soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 If you look at my previous posts on ENA you may think I am just having a bad day but in reality the last 5 months of my life have been absolute torture. I can honestly say that nothing terrible has happened to me. I guess what triggered this was the fact my gf broke up with me about 5 months ago. Lets just say my life literally feel apart after this. The thing is I really don't think this is the cause of my pain. I am severely depressed. To fall asleep I will sometimes fantasize about cutting myself and just bleeding and not feeling anything at all. I start school tommarrow, I am not in highschool, I have a degree and am in a professional program now. This whole summer I didnt work cause I was trying to get back on track. I honestly thought I would end it if I didnt feel better before school started again but here I am. I still feel terrible. All I see is people around me that are carefree , they love life, are happy. And then there is me, I pray everyday to not wake up, I look around to only find happy people. People go through way worse then me and function fine and I can barely keep going. Even if I had my gf back I no it would solve nothing. I know I am unhappy and she was somthing that made me happy, nothing else does though. What is the point of living when all it is is suffering and pain. Ive tried therapy, made me feel worse, tryed calling suicide lines, ive talked to my family, im on meds, nothing helps. Worst off the thought of going to school tommarrow makes me want to end it tonight. I couldnt even work this summer!!! I almost failed my last class. I cant function anymore, im so unhappy I dont want to be here anymore. I workout all the time, go out with friends, have girls wanting to date me and nothing. I feel trapped in hell, why can some people be so happy and then there is us who feel hopeless regardless of there situation. To make things worse Im very superficial. Is the point of life just to make money to survive then die. That what it seems like to me why go though all of that, just end it now.... Im sure I bored you all..I dont really expect a reply, just thinking of what I wrote made me realize how depressed I am...there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me...I cover everything I see with negativelty and darkness.. Link to comment
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