soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 If you look at my previous posts on ENA you may think I am just having a bad day but in reality the last 5 months of my life have been absolute torture. I can honestly say that nothing terrible has happened to me. I guess what triggered this was the fact my gf broke up with me about 5 months ago. Lets just say my life literally feel apart after this. The thing is I really don't think this is the cause of my pain. I am severely depressed. To fall asleep I will sometimes fantasize about cutting myself and just bleeding and not feeling anything at all. I start school tommarrow, I am not in highschool, I have a degree and am in a professional program now. This whole summer I didnt work cause I was trying to get back on track. I honestly thought I would end it if I didnt feel better before school started again but here I am. I still feel terrible. All I see is people around me that are carefree , they love life, are happy. And then there is me, I pray everyday to not wake up, I look around to only find happy people. People go through way worse then me and function fine and I can barely keep going. Even if I had my gf back I no it would solve nothing. I know I am unhappy and she was somthing that made me happy, nothing else does though. What is the point of living when all it is is suffering and pain. Ive tried therapy, made me feel worse, tryed calling suicide lines, ive talked to my family, im on meds, nothing helps. Worst off the thought of going to school tommarrow makes me want to end it tonight. I couldnt even work this summer!!! I almost failed my last class. I cant function anymore, im so unhappy I dont want to be here anymore. I workout all the time, go out with friends, have girls wanting to date me and nothing. I feel trapped in hell, why can some people be so happy and then there is us who feel hopeless regardless of there situation. To make things worse Im very superficial. Is the point of life just to make money to survive then die. That what it seems like to me why go though all of that, just end it now.... Im sure I bored you all..I dont really expect a reply, just thinking of what I wrote made me realize how depressed I am...there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me...I cover everything I see with negativelty and darkness.. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 Hey wait - talk to me. How old are you and how long ago did you break up with your girlfriend? Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 22, 5 months ago Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 OK...since then what's been going on? Any contact with her? Do you hang out with your friends? Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 I go out with friends quite a bit, I have a couple of friends I work out with daily, I usually go out on the weekend with friends. I ironically they probably see a very happy person. I also currently am seeing, just friends a girl that would love to be more than that but I just can't. I have been NC for about 2 weeks, she has texted me during that time things like "that last kiss I will cherish till we meet again" she has tried to add me to facebook. I have ignored any attempts of contact. I told her the last time we spoke to only contact me unless she considered getting back together. The thing is I dont no if she came back I would be happy again. Sure I would be because I only can think of fun times when we were together but I know that is not good. She doesnt know Im feeling like this at all. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 you need to tell someone besides us here one ENA...you do know that, dont' you? Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 What is the point of my life if all I want to do is fast forward to my death. Nothing seems to make me happy...the grass is always greener on the other side for me. Maybe my expectations are to high i dont know I honestly dont think I can survive when school starts again. Im either going to drop out or end it. In all honesty it will probably be I drop out then things will get worse. It almost happened last semester and things still are just as bad if not worse. Tonight is unberable though Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 What is the point of my life if all I want to do is fast forward to my death. Nothing seems to make me happy...the grass is always greener on the other side for me. Maybe my expectations are to high i dont know I honestly dont think I can survive when school starts again. Im either going to drop out or end it. In all honesty it will probably be I drop out then things will get worse. It almost happened last semester and things still are just as bad if not worse. Tonight is unberable though Listen to me... When I was 20 years old my boyfriend committed suicide. 24 years later and I am still not over it. It's not a "painless" death. It kills the souls of all those who love you. Please....stop and think...... Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 I am very sorry to hear that allie. In my heart I know how many people I would hurt. I have a nephew that idolizes me, wants to get muscles like me and play football, makes me cry just typing it and leaving him would devastate him, HIS ROLE MODEL, he told his mom he wanted to do whatever I did in life and hes to young to even really know. They are also divorced so I am almost like his dad. I just can't live like this..Im so deep I dont no which way is up anymore, there is nothing I look forward to...the pain is absolutely unbearable...I dont want to quit for him for my family but i also dont want to live like this...its almost impossible to explain how I feel...I really appreciate you trying to help me though...Im sure it is probably frustrating to hear me responses and for that i am sorry Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 I just feel like I am panicking right now...a part of me wants to scream..another part wants to cry..another part just wants to end this pain...I really think I am going to phone one of those hotlines...I dont no if I can make it through the nite without them...at least my school has free counsilers for students i hope they have room...i really need help Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 I just feel like I am panicking right now...a part of me wants to scream..another part wants to cry..another part just wants to end this pain...I really think I am going to phone one of those hotlines...I dont no if I can make it through the nite without them...at least my school has free counsilers for students i hope they have room...i really need help Please post again and let me know how you made out at school....... Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 All the time ...... Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 Well I made it through school today, only had two classes but I still feel like I can't do this for much longer. I have an appointment very shortly with a councilor, I find it very hard to talk about suicide with them tho, I always tend to downplay what I actually feel, I dont want them to send me anywhere.... Link to comment
bulletproof Posted September 3, 2008 Share Posted September 3, 2008 You made it through today and that's all you have to think about right now. Maybe you are looking too long into the future? Just focus on surviving the next minutes, the next hour, the next day. Your situation sounds unique in that you are getting out and doing things that should pull you out of your depression (working out, socializing, etc.), which makes me wonder if it's really chemical and your meds just aren't the right ones for you. Have you ever tried switching them up? I feel trapped in my own mind sometimes, myself. I know where you're at. It's a tough place to be. I hope that you keep posting here and find some peace soon. Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 It is good to know that people actually take the time to reply to people they have never met. I really do appreciate the responses. Maybe I should switch medications. I totally understand where your coming from when you say my situation is unique that is why I find it difficult to talk about. With the exception of my breakup there is no real reason why I should be so depressed yet I am...I feel more pain than I would possibly explain and the thought of my ex gf makes it worse, maybe not because I miss her but because I realize what it was like to be normal, she almost made me forget about my constant thinking, made me free in a sense, now I am worse then ever, just want it to end, I have an appointment this friday with a therapist, I hope I will pull through this, right now I find it very hard to believe..its amazing how powerful perception can be..it really is Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 4, 2008 Author Share Posted September 4, 2008 The more I think about it the more I realize I don't think I am over my gf at all. I think I keep living with hope she will come back....I just cant do this...I have so much regret over how things ended..so much guilt I just cant let go...think of all the good times...its torture...they are gone forever Link to comment
bulletproof Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 The more I think about it the more I realize I don't think I am over my gf at all. I think I keep living with hope she will come back....I just cant do this...I have so much regret over how things ended..so much guilt I just cant let go...think of all the good times...its torture...they are gone forever Those good times that you think of- they have already happened. Even if you were still with your gf, those times are done. The wonderful thing about life is that you will have times like those again, with someone else. That is almost a guarantee, if you're willing. You are obviously capable of feeling and giving love to someone, and that's a great thing. I know you have guilt and regret right now, but it will take some time to heal and get over those feelings. In a year or so, maybe you will be friends with your former gf. Maybe you will be in love with someone else. You just don't know what will happen because none of us can predict the future. I hope you're doing well today and feeling okay. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 The more I think about it the more I realize I don't think I am over my gf at all. I think I keep living with hope she will come back....I just cant do this...I have so much regret over how things ended..so much guilt I just cant let go...think of all the good times...its torture...they are gone forever You have a lot of livin' to do hon. If you have guilt, forgive yourself. We are quick to forgive others, but we must remember to forgive ourselves. How are you feeling today? Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 So I say a psychologist today at my school to talk about my issues. It wasn't as awkward as I anticipated. I am definitively going to keep going. I addressed all my issues and he gave me some "homework" to work on. I really hope this and my medication helps, he asked me what my goal was and all I said was to be happy. My only worry is to get my hopes up that things change when Im trying so hard to fix it and then they dont...but i gotta think positive Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 So I say a psychologist today at my school to talk about my issues. It wasn't as awkward as I anticipated. I am definitively going to keep going. I addressed all my issues and he gave me some "homework" to work on. I really hope this and my medication helps, he asked me what my goal was and all I said was to be happy. My only worry is to get my hopes up that things change when Im trying so hard to fix it and then they dont...but i gotta think positive There is a lot of power in POSITIVE thinking my friend. I am glad your appointment went well. Give that new medication time to kick in, and post whenever you want, ok? Hang tough...we ALL care about you here at ENA. Post anytime... ~Allie Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 I wish I could just let her go but I just can't, it is almost like I feel I deserve to be like this for letting the person i love not want to be with me anymore. Everyone tells me there are others out there 100x better but its been already 5 months and it seems to get worse, comparing her to everybody...sighh...having a bad weekend...keep dreaming of her Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I wish I could just let her go but I just can't, it is almost like I feel I deserve to be like this for letting the person i love not want to be with me anymore. Everyone tells me there are others out there 100x better but its been already 5 months and it seems to get worse, comparing her to everybody...sighh...having a bad weekend...keep dreaming of her Hey...you just keep hanging tough. Keep taking those meds. You'll be seeing the psych again on Friday, right? Does he have a number he can be reached at in case you have a crisis? Post again... ~Allie Link to comment
soccerissweet Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Everyday seems to only get worse lately, I know I need help but I dont see how a hospital would help me, would just make things worse I feel..i dunno tho...has anybody been hospitalized? what is it like? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Everyday seems to only get worse lately, I know I need help but I dont see how a hospital would help me, would just make things worse I feel..i dunno tho...has anybody been hospitalized? what is it like? I know someone who was hospitilized. The reason being in a hosital helps it they can push the meds quicker and at a higher dose. Don't be hesitant to go to the hospital. They can do what an outside Dr. can't do. Like I said, mix meds and try higher doses to get you to the proper dose quicker. Why don't you call them and try? If being in a hospital for a couple weeks could free you from this hell you're in right now and give you your life back, wouldn't it be worth it? You know that suicide is NOT NOT NOT the answer. We talked about that. This could be the answer you need. C'mon now...no need to keep suffering. Let me know how you make out. Keep posting. How are you feeling today? ~Allie Link to comment
JerryT Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please turn to God. He loved you before you were born and he is still your very best friend. Jerry Link to comment
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