Commitment fears

[melpa]

Hi,

 

I have been dating a guy on and off for the past 3 years.

We seem to hit a wall whenever we start to get close.

Deep down I do honestly believe that he cares for me.

We have been through alot together.

 

His last relationship which ended about 4 and a half years ago ended badly and I dont think he has ever got over the pain he experienced during the break up. He has also mentioned that he doesnt want to end up like his mum and dad who got divorded after his dad had an affair.

 

He has told me in the past that he doesnt want to get into a relationship with anyone as they always go wrong. He said he misses some aspects of having a girlfriend but is still not willing to risk getting hurt again.

He has also said that if he did want a relationship, he would want it to be with me.

He has also said that he doesnt want to be like this forever and doesnt want to go from girl to girl.

He said he thinks we are both similar people and have problems with relationships because we grew up without our dads.

 

We have a nice time going on dates and spending time together. We have slept together many times.

Whenever we seem to be getting closer, and it looks as though we may be getting somewhere he seems to distance, I am used to this now as it has happened so many times now. I try very hard to stay calm and keep my cool when he gets distant, but it usually results in me getting anxious and confronting him.

I am quite insecure myself which is perhaps why I find it difficult to trust that he really cares for me. (I had a difficult childhood and one of my mums partners used to try it on with me)

 

Although I do believe he cares deep down, the feeling i get is that he is frightened to show this in an obvious way. I think that he wants to stay in control of the situation and avoid putting himself in a vulnerable position where he may get hurt. Although, I genuinely do believe this, I still have my insecure moments where I think, well maybe he isnt into me and maybe he just sees me as a back up plan so wants to keep me close and this is when i get upset, as i dont want to waste my time.

 

He also seems to struggle with his feelings for me and shuts down during arguments and gives me the silent treatment.

 

It has been very difficult over the time ive known him, i think he is a wonderful person and i feel that i understand why he is the way he is.

But it has been very hard for me, I long for a partner who can be affectionate and offer me a stable committed relationship.

 

Unfortunately, this guy always seems to push me away. Many times that I have started to move on, go out more, date other guys....and every single time he wants me back and will start being very nice to me and telling me he misses me. I go back to him, only for the same thing to happen all over again. its very hard getting close to him and then losing him again so many times.

 

I feel that I have reached a stage now where I know that I cannot go on like this.

 

I am not that happy in my job at the moment and I am thinking of moving away for a while, maybe stay with a friend for 2-3 months to clear my head and get a break from this situation.

 

Do you think that doing this will help?

 

Maybe it will show me that there is more to life than him.

 

or maybe it will make him realise how much he cares??

 

I guess that if he really cares he will ask me not to go/beg me to come back. (i said i was moving away once before and he changed my mind and told me i shouldnt run away)

 

Perhaps this time he wont even ask me to stay and that way I will know that he doesnt really care enough about me for me to invest this much energy in him.

 

xx

[redhearts]

Maybe you should, its like you get ideas to do something for a reason. So maybe thats going to finally lead you somehwhere. As for this guy your dating, uhmm so he thinks hes going to have an affair and your relationship if married will end in divorce? Because hes afraid of that because thats what his dad did? You would of thought he be the complete opposite and tried to be an even better spouse.

[melpa]

Thanks for your comments

 

I guess in my heart I hope he begs me not to go. Of course that may not happen, but I think maybe I need to see the truth for myself.

 

I think what he means about his parents is that he doesnt want to go through the unhappienss they did, I dont think he has alot of belief in relationships, because of his parents and his first serious relationship ending badly. I have heard from others that he took it really badly and I think he is scared that if he did open up and let me in, then i may eventually leave him and maybe he wouldnt want to break up and he would get hurt again. I am about 90% sure i'm right about him, I think his fears go really really deep and I think its gotten harder the longer we have known each other as if it does go wrong he has more to lose.

 

I am completely different in that I am willing to risk getting hurt to be with him.

[CallingAllAngels]

i've heard a lot of men who are cheated on by their wives have this issue after divorce.

[redhearts]

Hes just not ready to be in a relationship and he won't be ready unless he does this on his own. You been sticking around for 3 years, its not helping. It has to be a drastic change, you leave and he will hopefully realise what hes lost. But you need to do whats best for you and move on.

[melpa]

Yeah I guess I know that I cannot wait forever. In some ways he is the only thing keeping me living round here.

 

I think I am going to make plans to take this 2 month break.

 

I have stuck around no matter what, so he may be complacent. Why would he change/conquer his commitment fears if he doesnt have to.

Its so much easier to just trundle along as things are I guess, expecially when Im there for him no matter how he behaves.

 

I agree that you cannot make somebody change, they have to realise on their own.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One of the things that I read often on this forum is the words "we have been through a lot together". Everyone uses it kind of as a justification for this great bond...even when it is a very dysfunctional "going through a lot together"...which is most often the case. In solid, healthy relationships "going through a lot together" would mean things outside of anybody's control...illness, bereavement, job loss, etc. However, in dysfunctional relationships which is what seems to be written about in this forum, "going through a lot together" typically means bad behaviours leading to fights, breakups, misunderstandings and generally needless drama that could be avoided if one or both sides behaved in a loving way and communicated properly.

 

Having said all that...you have been around and around on this merry go round and it never changes with him...I think it is time for you to walk away from this...and if he tries to worm his way back in, it is time for you to spell it out plainly to him...."crap or get off the pot"...in other words, make it clear that the buck stops here and you are fed up with this back and forth and limbo land...he can't commit to you thereforee you are saying goodbye.

[melpa]

I think leaving will force me out of my comfort zone. I will leave the job im not happy in and If i choose to come back I will be forced to find something else. I live in a village so I will hav eto go further affield for my next job which will hopefully broaden my horizons and help me meet new people which will help me get over him if that ends up being what I have to do.

[melpa]

Crazyaboutdogs.

 

Yes, I agree, we have been through alot together in general, but yes you are right alot of this has been dysfunctional.

 

I guess we both have some issues. Me with trust and insecurity and him with commitment.

 

I have tried hard to deal with myself, counselling and reading books etc, spent alot of time realising why I am the way I am.

 

I dont think he has been ready to do this yet.

 

I guess a part of me does cling on to the good times and the fact that despite the dysfunction, we still go back to one another, which makes me feel there must be something keeping us together.

 

But I think it is crunch time, I cannot go on like this as its making me miserable, he cannot seem to deal with anything that brings up difficult feelings and emotions for him, he tends to run when the going gets tough.

Then when things have calmed down, he will come back and act like everything is ok again, he is never keen to discuss the issue that originally scared him off.

 

I love him and want to help him and support him but i realise I can only do this if he is ready and willing which he isnt at the moment.

 

So for my own sake i think i need to make a bold step and hand my notice in. I will let him know and tell him to let me know if he wants to go for a goodbye drink.

 

if he wants me to stay i cant deny il be happy, and i will tell him that i need more of a commitment from him and its his choice whether he is willing to take the chance to avoid losing me.

 

but if he doesnt ask me to stay at least il know and i wont be able to kid myself that he wants me anymore and i guess il have no choice but to move on.

 

Relationships are a big part of life and I dont wnat to miss out

[melpa]

alot of people have now tried to talk me out of my plan to move away for a couple of months. Pointing out that when i return i will have nothing and have to start from scratch.

 

I want to come back here eventually as I like living around here. But to move away temporarily will mean giving up my job and flat and I guess realistically I dont have savings so its not going to be easy to start again.

 

so now im in a dilemma. I know my reason for leaving is that i want to get away from this guy and make a break, but shouldnt I be strong enough to be able to stay here and just move on from him and his ambivalence and find somebody who can give me what I want.

 

I donthave many close friends around here, so when he comes calling and inviting me out places it makes me happy and gives me something fun to do. I worry that I will not say no and then will get drawn back onto the merry go round again, and get hurt in the process.

[Hollyj]

Why do you have to move to get over this guy????

 

I've been through the same scenario. The indecision, confusion and excuses, enough already. I finally got fed up and ended the relationship, it was going nowhere and I was contributing to the problem-as long as we stick around with these fools, we are enabling their behavior.

 

End this now! If he says he wants to come back, insist he get counseling, or you'll be back at square one.

[melpa]

I know i need to let go and move on. i want to be strong but i feel so so weak and unhappy. we had an argument 2 weeks ago which he blames me for and he is stil giving me the silent treatment now. i hav apologised several times but he is being stubborn. i feel so unwantd and pathetic.i just dnt knw wot2do.all he has said is that he has nothing to say im hurting and just want to be friends again

[melpa]

IS it possible for somebody to shut me out and ignore me and care for me. could he really b so disapointd in me after our argument which was about trust that he doesnt want to speak to me at all? he has always been stubborn.he has given me silent treatment many times before only to come bk again wen hes ready. i think he has major commitment issues but even so would he hurt me this way if he cared

[melpa]

I know i need to let go and move on. i want to be strong but i feel so so weak and unhappy. we had an argument 2 weeks ago which he blames me for and he is stil giving me the silent treatment now. i hav apologised several times but he is being stubborn. i feel so unwantd and pathetic.i just dnt knw wot2do.all he has said is that he has nothing to say im hurting and just want to be friends again

[Hollyj]

IS it possible for somebody to shut me out and ignore me and care for me. could he really b so disapointd in me after our argument which was about trust that he doesnt want to speak to me at all? he has always been stubborn.he has given me silent treatment many times before only to come bk again wen hes ready. i think he has major commitment issues but even so would he hurt me this way if he cared

 

I think you know the answers to these questions.

 

These relationships are very dysfunctional and can truly make us crazy!!! Believe me, I've been there. You need to stop blaming yourself and see where the problems are originating from. It's him!

 

My dear, we love these men but we have to have enough respect for ourselves to let them go-it does not get better, but worse. The situation will not change unless he agrees that he has a problem and seeks some professional help. Love yourself enough to get out, you cannot depend on another for your happiness.

 

Take a look at commitment phobia and see if he fits the profile.

[melpa]

i know he has commitment phobia. Even he has admitted that in the past, but then at other times he will say his behaviour is down to not wanting the hassle of a relationship, or being too busy at work and having too much to worry about,

 

Right now, it feels like he doesnt care at all, but deep down i think he does. I think he is just scared of getting too involved in case I leave. I do attract attention from other guys and I know that I can date somebody else. Its not a case of not being able to get someone else.

 

i guess I stick with this a) because I really do care for him and b) because maybe i dont love myself enough to demand better treatment,

 

Right now i feel so alone and unhappy.

 

I know that mostly my misery is due to him giving me the silent treatment which im sure he does to control me.

 

After the last argument i think he was actually scared i was going to say thats it and walk away. so I think he turned it around on me and i ended up blaming myslef completely,

[Hollyj]

I think you need to go back and reread your own posts.

 

You are the only one who is making yourself so unhappy by putting up with his nonsense. You need to take responsibility for staying in such an unhealthy relationship, I mean what do you get from it??????

 

This is your choice. Tolerate his unstable behavior-and make yourself miserable-or take some control of your life and move on. It's all up to you, no more excuses!!!!!!!

[beeter64]

Why do you have to move to get over this guy????

 

I've been through the same scenario. The indecision, confusion and excuses, enough already. I finally got fed up and ended the relationship, it was going nowhere and I was contributing to the problem-as long as we stick around with these fools, we are enabling their behavior.

 

End this now! If he says he wants to come back, insist he get counseling, or you'll be back at square one.

She is absolutely right. Move on!!!!! I stayed way toooo long and it just wasted my life. Don't enable him anymore. That's what CP's do. It's all smoke and mirrors. Get out and start to heal. Take if from someone who has been in recovery way to long because of a CP.These people are very dysfunctional!

[melpa]

I know that I need to move on from him as he has now shut me out completely and there is no getting through to him when he is like this.

 

What usually happens at this stage is we have a cooling off period, after I have given up trying to talk to him, i convince myslef to leave it, there are no words left to say etc....so maybe we dont speak for a couple of weeks. and then usually he will contact me, make an excuse to text me or call.

 

I will be so pleased to hear from him that i respond, sometimes i leave it for a little while, but sadly, i am so grateful to be on frinedly terms again that i start talking to him again and am willing to forget the arguments we had.

 

Then we repeat the scenario of getting on like a house on fire, enjoying chats and stuff and then we meet up and then we are back in the situation where we both want more......but in his case never a relationship....just seeing each other exclusively.....

 

 

I know the only way to break the cycle is to ignore his attempts at making friends with me again.

 

But i am so upset right now, I feel im not going to be strong enough to push him away when the time comes. Everybody gives good advice and tells me to be strong etc, but i dont feel strong right now.

[Hollyj]

You're choosing your own misery. I think you need to ask yourself why???

 

It sounds like you need to speak with someone professionally, this is a very unhealthy situation. Noone is worth this unhappiness and confusion, love should be joyful.

[melpa]

I posted on hear a few months ago, at the time I was trying to make a decision whether to move away from the guy who had been yo-yoing me for about 3 years. Couldnt commit to being with me but also couldnt stay out of my life.

 

He would be attentive and sweet and then when it looked like we were getting close, he would push me away, acting distant and cool, which would upset and frustrate me, i would start to move on and then he would be back to the sweet attentive person again,

 

I decided to make the move, out of the small village I was living in, and into a city.

 

In the month or so before I left, he reacted first with annoyance and anger and told me i was moving only for attention and that i would not go through with it, When it started to sink in that I actually was leaving he started being very nice to me, asking me if i would ever move back and telling me i didnt have to go or that i could go just for a few months and then come back again.

 

on the day i was leaving he offered to drive me all the way, it was a very sad journey and when we reached my destination i burst into tears. and then so did he.

 

it was very emotional and sad.

 

Since the move we have been in touch via text messages. He has told me that he missed seeing me and that he wished he had spent more time with me when i was there, he said that if i still lived there things would prob be different if i was still living there.

 

i was pleased to hear this and i thought he cared about me after all.

 

I have seen him a couple of times since the move in January, both when I have visited my old area.

 

The first time i saw him he was very sweet to me.

 

The second time we barely spoke,

 

He has been quite cool and distant recently which is confusing and upsetting me alot. He blows hot and cold, he said that there is no chance for us now because i moved away,

 

I know im the one who made the decision to move, but his words about missing me etc definitely affected me.

 

 

I really do miss him. Do I need to cut contact completely in order to get over him?

 

If he cares will he come through for me in the end if he realises he is losing me completely.

[Georgie Grrl]

If he cares will he come through for me in the end if he realises he is losing me completely.

 

I once wasted 5 years on a very similar relationship. He's using you as an emotional crutch (not unlike you've probably been using him) because he's not with anyone else he's in love with. Do not talk to him or see him ever again, if you want to heal. If you want to stay stuck in this emotional vortex, continue having contact. It's that simple.