She ended our six year relationship and doesn't talk to me anymore

[friendlyfire]

My girlfriend ended our six year relationship a month ago and I am still so very sad. We've been dating since I was in college and she was 18. She told me that she wasn't happy with our relationship. This really came out of the blue for me. Then I visited her myspace page and discovered that she was messaging some guy for a few days up to our break-up. I asked her if there was another man and she said yes. I then asked her if she was seeing him behind my back and she said no. I don't know if I can believe her or not. She now has been pretty much been staying at his house almost nightly and I just can't handle it. I really don't know how to deal with this since she was really my only gf and I was her only serious bf. I really wanted to marry her and I don't know if I will every date again. In the days leading up to our break-up she lost her job and is buried under a pile of debt. I don't know how long her new relationship will last but I wonder if there are any chances of us getting back together.

 

The one thing that really hurts the most is that she pretty much severed all contact with me. She was really my best friend and we shared a lot of similar interest in a lot of things. I wanted us to stay friends and initially she thought the same thing. But since there has been virtually no contact I don't see that happening. The other night I saw her online im and tried to chat with her. It only lasted a few lines and she said that she needed to do something and she left the chat. I saw her pop online for a few seconds afterwards then she'd log right back out.

 

Is this a normal thing to just not contact the person anymore after six long years. And she also told me the bad news over the phone which kinda pissed me off.

[Steve 7745]

After six years, it can either be a total cut off, like it is now. Or it can be a messy LC situation where you try to talk her into coming back, she feels conflicting emotions and eventually gets angry at you for making her feel that way. In which case, you will be made to be the problematic one, despite the fact that she's the one who ended it.

 

Pretty unjust, I know. No, you don't deserve to be treated this way. There are tons of us on here who are treated poorly for just loving someone, and we put up with it because we're convinced that they'll come back when they realize that breaking up was a mistake.

 

And then we learn that this just hurts ourselves. That it gives undue power to the dumper (your girlfriend) and enables her. If things suck, she can come back to you until she can bounce off and find someone else. She'll do this again and again until she finds someone with whom she can make it stick. See SuperDave71's posts about the rebound effect.

 

If you want the best chance to get back together with her, you need to find yourself. As hard as it is, it maybe best to go NC and just heal yourself. You do this to protect yourself, because if she ever comes back, it's because she wants something with no interest or concern for what you want. Don't let yourself be treated this way!

 

Take the NC challenge for a few months to help you feel better. Get a life again- go dancing, swimming, take up some hobbies. Learn to meet women, there are guys out there who can show you how to start a conversation and even turn it into a date. It's really not that hard. Maybe in six months, you'll feel open to talking to your GF again, when she truly realizes she misses you. Until then, grieve that it's over and accept it.

[redtan]

I had the same exact thing happen, except it was only 3.5 years. Was her first everything...real bf, sex, first to ever treat her right etc. She broke up saying she wasn't happy anymore and wanted to see what else was out there (we dated all of college so my guess it that she felt suffocated being in a relationship throughout college, which seems like the case with your girl). I found out that a week later she started seeing a guy and pretty much just replaced me with him in terms of what they were doing and how they were acting. I sort of stayed around a little, but I backed off not to push her more away. I really wanted to get back, but it hurt so much seeing her with this guy and knowing that she doesn't want me back.

 

But now like 7 months later she's come back to me (not together) but she talks to me, wants to hang out, basically everything is like it used to be before we started dating. And it's a complete 180* of how it was for the past 7 months.

 

So hang in there, most likely this is just a rebound, just play it cool and see what develops. But seeing as how I was in the same position and was pretty much hopeless and destroyed a couple months ago, know that things can change as long as you have hope.

[barbielovesmac]

Hi friendlyfire,

 

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I'm going on month 7 of my breakup. We weren't together nearly as long as you and your ex, but we were together quite some time.

 

I too, had to deal with seeing him with someone new only DAYS after we split. No, no let me rephrase that. I had to see him with someone new the DAY we broke up and everyday thereafter. It's rough, I know.

 

As far as no contact goes, I think it would be best for YOU. I too, know that it's hard but it really does help the heart mend it's wounds.

 

Breaking up over the phone after six years, ouch, that's a low blow. I am sorry. Some people just handle stuff their own way and that was her way of handling it. Sucks.

 

Did you try to ask her why she was NO longer happy with the relationship?

[friendlyfire]

I think she was just not happy with our routine. I think the main reason she left was because of this other man. I would say that I'm the nice guy and he's the bad boy. This other guy rides Harleys and has tattoos and I'm the guy who watches cheesy eighties movies and travel shows in which she also enjoys. He's more of a success though, since he owns his own business (he inherited from his dad) but from what I can see from his myspace, he is barley literate. She is a well read person and loves to read books. He can hardly spell. I know that myspace isn't a formal area but the repetition of misspelling the same word leads me to believe that he simply isn't well read as she is. He even lists his favorite book as the harley davidson shop manual. I just feel that he might be the type of guy that would cheat or see someone else but I can only speculate.

[friendlyfire]

well i just found out that he gave her a job his business. So I definitely lost her forever. It really breaks my heart.

[testcase]

Ah come on man, don't think that way right now. Actually I'd say it's best to try not to think about her at all! As impossible as it is, it's a good way to go about it. You have to work on yourself, this is a great opportunity to do that. We have all been there believe us when we say it gets easier.

[Mayday11]

Not only did she not deal with the issues of her old relationship (strike one) she moved into another relationship out of convenience rather than compatibility (strike two). In addition it sounds like they're moving real fast (strike three) and on top of all this they're going to further smother each other by working together (strike four)?

 

Sounds like sooner or later, this girl is going to fall hard. Doesn't necessarily mean she'll be coming back to you, but from the sound of it, this new relationship sounds like it's headed for an early demise.

 

If you haven't already told her, make clear that you're interested in reconciliation, but you'll be moving on with your life and not waiting around. Then, let her continue to do her own thing and you continue to move on with life. This will put you in the best position for future reconciliation and at the same time allow you to heal and be prepared for a possible relationship with someone besides her.

[friendlyfire]

thanks for the words.

I just don't feel that things are getting any better. It just gets harder and harder each and every day. I feel her slipping away with every single day of NC. I don't know if her new relationship will fail, but I only see it if it ends on his end. She would go the distance with someone (it was six years of us together). Its a real tragedy for me. I'm trying to work on myself but its hard not to think about her everyday.

[Mayday11]

thanks for the words.

I just don't feel that things are getting any better. It just gets harder and harder each and every day. I feel her slipping away with every single day of NC. I don't know if her new relationship will fail, but I only see it if it ends on his end. She would go the distance with someone (it was six years of us together). Its a real tragedy for me. I'm trying to work on myself but its hard not to think about her everyday.

 

She's not slipping away with each day of NC. That's your fear and panic talking. Being in touch with her will most likely make her slip away more than NC ever could at this point. You'll only come off as needy and emotionally clingy and at the same time, you'll help her feel more comfortable in her new relationship by giving her attention. I know it feels incredibly counter intuitive, but it's the truth in the large majority of cases.

 

There's nothing wrong with thinking about her quite often. It's normal. My breakup happened at the end of April and I still think about my ex often. But, although I still think about her often and miss her, the pain of the breakup has subsided. I've accepted things. And like you, my ex moved onto some random guy I've never seen before (my ex and I were best friends for for nine years and she just met the guy) less than a month after the breakup. It's completely unusual behavior for her. Throughout our friendship, she'd always have a gap of at least a year or two between her relationships. So, I'm completely familiar with the heartache involved. It sucks, but there's nothing you can do about her. You have to try your best to focus on you.

 

You may be like me where time, by itself, is a terrible healer. Waiting for time to heal all is like waiting for time to turn a creek into the grand canyon. It doesn't work well. You need to get out of your comfort zone, you need to start doing things that will take your mind off your ex. I've made myself so busy that it'd be impossible for me to think of my ex constantly, because I'm always focused on all the other things going on in my life.

 

These are all just suggestions on things to do to try and help think about your ex less. Not thinking about your ex at all will be an impossible task for quite awhile, but thinking about her less is certainly within your grasp. No one knows if your ex will be back or not, but you can certainly put yourself in a position that will simultaneously improve your chances of reconciliation and help you move on with life and prepare you for your next woman.

 

Good luck.

[kuhl282000]

link removed listen all the way to the end...it will help you

 

 

But since there has been virtually no contact I don't see that happening. The other night I saw her online im and tried to chat with her. It only lasted a few lines and she said that she needed to do something and she left the chat. I saw her pop online for a few seconds afterwards then she'd log right back out.

 

That is a message ........it hurts I know I'm there myself .....

[friendlyfire]

Each day really does seem like she's slipping away. It seems like she has really stopped thinking about me and does not miss me at all. With six and a half years together I don't see how a person can just shut out another person they loved so quickly.

[midnightrambler]

Each day really does seem like she's slipping away. It seems like she has really stopped thinking about me and does not miss me at all. With six and a half years together I don't see how a person can just shut out another person they loved so quickly.

 

she is gone.....you will replace her......now get started

[Mayday11]

Each day really does seem like she's slipping away. It seems like she has really stopped thinking about me and does not miss me at all. With six and a half years together I don't see how a person can just shut out another person they loved so quickly.

You don't know what she's thinking or if she misses you at all. Like I said, this is your panic talking. You don't have to think that you'll never talk to her again, but you need to put your dealings with her on hold until you've healed enough. You need to get your head on straight and rebuild your life right now. Further down the line, when you can approach the situation logically and with a clear head, then you can better decide the best course of action to take in regards to her.

she is gone.....you will replace her......now get started

Whoa, that's cold. The idea of 'replacing' someone is a bit harsh and pretty much impossible. Sure, if they never reconcile, he'll find someone he'll love equally, but it's impossible to 'replace' anybody.

[friendlyfire]

They don't come back do they? Even after six years they can just walk away without looking back. She seems happy now. I guess that's what I prefer over my well being. I just miss her so much.

[Mayday11]

They don't come back do they? Even after six years they can just walk away without looking back. She seems happy now. I guess that's what I prefer over my well being. I just miss her so much.

 

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. No one can tell you. Some people around here love to throw around percentages and things like that, but the bottom line is, no one knows.

[testcase]

Hey man cheer up. We all... well most of us... have been there. Believe me it gets better. 2 months is not a long time after a 6 year relationship. It takes time. Like other people have said just work on yourself. Best advice I heard when I was where you were was.. don't think about her coming back, don't think about her with someone else, don't think about her missing you... JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT HER. Now of course that is tough to do but believe me if you can fill your mind with other things you will be making strides.

 

It really does take a while but it gets easier. Right now you gotta work on improving yourself. Go out with friends have a fun time, get some new hobbies, go to the gym whatever you can.

[friendlyfire]

I think the thing that kills me most is that she doesn't seem to care how I feel at all. I am broken and sad while she's partying it up with another man.