Odysseus Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 So...for most my marriage, I allowed my wife to verbally abuse me. In the last two years, through therapy (both of us, and together) she seems to have turned the corner and making the effort to reconnect with me. Here's the issue, and both her and I have talked about this...I no longer love her (per some of my other posts). I don't know if I ever will again. I'm in the marriage now to keep in therapy and try and find a way, but I'm afraid it will never happen. Anyone else go through this? Abusive relationships? Even with all the effort, are they repairable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 If I may ask, How was she verbally abusive ? And, why did you allow it to go on for so long ? I think things can be repaired if you are both willing. I even think love can be regained. Obviously, keeping in mind- Things will never be the same as they were in the beginning. But I do think you can both come out of this as better, stronger, more responsible people. Hang in there with the therapy. Wounds take time to heal. And you are both still nursing some serious ones at the other's hands. Try to stay focused and calm and let whatever is meant to happen happen- by keeping an open mind and having no expecatations one way or the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 Do you want to love her again?? Love is not something I think that we can control. I mean it is possible to relove someone but it does not always work. Good luck with it. I am glad you are getting help and she is realizing she needs to be a better human being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 Reading quickly through your previous posts, it doesn't seem like there's much left to save. You have cheated on her. You are (or were?) in love with another woman. She is obese and that disgusts you. You have very little in common. You do not like the person she is. She has abused you verbally. Look, if this marriage was meant to work, then you would have found a way to work through these things at some point in the last 18 years. You can't take 18 years of hell and turn it into something beautiful. It's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odysseus Posted September 2, 2008 Author Share Posted September 2, 2008 If I may ask, How was she verbally abusive ? And, why did you allow it to go on for so long ? I think things can be repaired if you are both willing. I even think love can be regained. Obviously, keeping in mind- Things will never be the same as they were in the beginning. But I do think you can both come out of this as better, stronger, more responsible people. Hang in there with the therapy. Wounds take time to heal. And you are both still nursing some serious ones at the other's hands. Try to stay focused and calm and let whatever is meant to happen happen- by keeping an open mind and having no expecatations one way or the other. Verbally abusive stuff: - gas-lighting - basically going off on me (for instance, she tried multiple times to get into PA school, I helped A LOT, editing her application, supporting her) only to have her blame me for not helping her enough when she didn't get in...then, later, denying she ever said or did it. - Constantly guilting me for time with my friends (mind you, I am very attentive to my family, come home on time after work regularly to be with them). Example...anytime I had a business trip to a city she hadn't ever been to, she'd get pissed if she couldn't go, then suggest I didn't want her to go, etc. - Calling my friends "losers" - Continuously saying(for years) and insinuating that my mother was purposely dis-respecting her (which she wasn't) when things didn't go her way. Guilting me for spending time with my family. - When I would want to talk about these things with her, she'd invariably tell me I was being over-sensitive and not taking her side on anything. Denying my feelings. - Unwilling AT ALL to talk about our spending habits, budgets without assuming I was blaming her. - NEVER taking responsibility for her own behanvior (I mean never!!!) if she hurt someone. Why did I stay? Because I was married to her, and we had kids, and building her up all the time(at the expense of my own needs) was a part of my personality...but I lost all respect for her and our marriage and resented having to take care of an adult child for 16 years. I have many more examples. My therapist and I agree that I was victimized by her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 Ok I can see that you do not want to be there and "staying for the kids" is the worst decision ever. Kids feel tension and lack of love and that is what they learn and will copy it in their relationships. I would suggest too there is nothing to save. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odysseus Posted September 3, 2008 Author Share Posted September 3, 2008 Do you want to love her again?? Love is not something I think that we can control. I mean it is possible to relove someone but it does not always work. Good luck with it. I am glad you are getting help and she is realizing she needs to be a better human being. I don't know if I ever want to love a woman again. Not generalizing here, but the women I've known in my life have all been very needy, and I just fed into that. I'm successful in my work (executive), caring, love my kids, give to the needy, take care of myself, and completely over relationships with people trying to find someone to "complete" themselves. Are there people out there either in relationships or not who can actually stand on their own two feet? I've carried the load for my wife for so long, I'm over it. I'd prefer that women just leave me alone. I mean...they look at me like some kind of !@#$% prize...married women, single, etc. I'm just me. (this is making me really sad). I can't fix everyone's friggin' problems or needs, but if that's all that many women want, then I think I may be out. I'd rather focus on my kids, and go out for a 20 mile run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted September 4, 2008 Share Posted September 4, 2008 I am sorry you feel all women are this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odysseus Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 I am sorry you feel all women are this way. I don't think it's all women(people), just the women I have historically been attracted to. "Bitter...party of one." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anyastar Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 I don't think it's all women(people), just the women I have historically been attracted to. "Bitter...party of one." Perhaps a new path for you to take is to figure out why this is -- and work toward changing it. There is some need within you that you look to fulfill by starting relationships with this type of woman. What exactly is this need? Where does it stem from? And how can you tend to it without getting into a lopsided relationship? It seems that you like playing the role of provider, that you like helping people -- there's absolutely nothing wrong with that in and of itself, of course; it's great, in fact! But if it's used in an effort to fix something about oneself, or to stop up some hole, then it can become toxic. These are the sorts of issues it might be helpful to explore. Then, your relationships will be a lot healthier, a lot more equitable, and a lot more satisfying. Whether you're able to rebuild your relationship with and love for your wife or not (and it's okay if you're not; it's okay if the relationship has to end), you'll be able to break that long, unhealthy cycle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odysseus Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 I help people because it makes me feel good to do so...even at my own expense. I don't like seeing people suffer...but I also try hard to know when someone needs to figure something out on their own and make their own mistakes. I'm asking a real question here though...what gap am I filling in living a life this way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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