Do I continue NC?

[itsnojo]

OK,

 

Here's my story, to recap;

 

So am in day 15 or so of NC apart from replies to her texts which needed replies. The ex just texted, she wants to come over to sort out some of her stuff. She knows I am away for 3 days, so it's a good time for her to do this while I'm not there.

 

Do I just ignore her request? Or is that being controlling, trying to dominate the situation?

 

Or maybe she'll go over to the flat, look around, get all misty-eyed and ring me up in tears, sobbing "I'm so sorry, I made a big mist-"anyway back to reality, what does the panel think?

[SapphireNoir10]

I think you should let her sort out, get her stuff when you are not there. Solves and issues about having to see her face to face.

[GerBear]

After reading your post. I would have a big trust issue. I would be going through the "be kind" battle in my head. I think she is trying to control you.

My thoughts for the right thing to do. Pack her stuff up yourself, before you leave. Give it to one of her friends so she may pick it up. The packing will be a healing process for you and may help with the closure. When you return it will be your place without her things about. It's a real bear, when we have to be proactive for our own freedom.

 

Drive on!!

[HeartGoesOn]

You're not on Day 15 of "NC", since you've been replying to her texts.

 

Stop replying, and let her figure out how to get her belongings, She had no problem cheating on you, so I'm sure she can figure this one out on her own.

[itsnojo]

OUCH!

 

As always I am challenged by your responses, and I have to say I love hearing the different ideas.

 

Heartgoeson, are you that strict about NC? The texts she sent were purely stuff related ie "I would like to pop over to get some things, if you're there we can talk" kind of thing, to which I replied "I'm out on Saturday, help yourself".

 

In another similar message she had suggested we attend a counselling session (which I had previously declined), along with asking if I wanted to be in or not when she came to pick up some stuff. Again, I replied saying I would be out.

 

In both instances, I ignored the suggestion of talking, or counselling. No mention of any relationship issues, just polite, to the point replies. I thought that the least I could do was let her know my movements, and quite frankly, I don't want to be in my flat knowing that any minute she could pop in to pack some more stuff up. She still pays half the rent for the next 2 months.

 

So, are you suggesting absolute literal NC? I must admit, the idea intrigues me. I laughed out loud when I read this;

She had no problem cheating on you, so I'm sure she can figure this one out on her own.

 

Gerbear, I am overseas right now but the idea of packing up her stuff is sick, and I love it! Don't know if I could handle it, but it seems like a fantastic idea from the vantage point of my hotel room in an formerly communist eastern European capital. I will think through the logistics.

 

BlueAfterglow08, I read your thread, I wish I didn't have to be here reading that and writing this, but as I quite obviously am, people like you help smooth the bumps. Thank you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry if you didn't like my response, but to myself, and I'm sure many others will agree, that "No Contact", means "No Contact."

 

I don't understand why someone will say that they're in "no contact", "except for this little text, or this quick call, or I waved to them."

 

If you believe that is what "No Contact" means, then you're only fooling yourself.

[Hopelives]

NC = no contact; silence. dead space. nothing.

 

Silence is dignified.

 

Silence is respectful.

 

Silence is heard.

 

You're not in NC; you're in Limited Contact or LC.

 

You don't heal or live your life in LC, you're in limbo-land.

[itsnojo]

I see...

 

Just to reiterate, I have only replied to her texts, and only to make practical arrangements. We have a flat together, she is leaving the country in a month, there are things we have to discuss. Aren't there?

 

If I insist on not replying, won't she think that's weird? Actually I think I know the answer to that; "Who cares what she thinks?!"

[atelis]

i know there arer two sides to any story, but from what i've read, she is the only one that needs counselling, not you.

 

just let her pick her stuff up when you are not there as the others have said and tell her you have nothing to talk about until she gets some counselling on her own

[itsnojo]

So she emailed, she wants to come over on Sunday to pick some more stuff up. Sunday! Do I reply and say no, or just let her come over?

 

I don't know if I could handle her being here, in fact I know I definitely couldn't, but I don't want to leave the house like a coward. This is killing me, it's so true that any contact from them rolls the healing back to square one.

 

Shall I just say no, Sunday is not OK? But that is breaking NC!

 

I'm so scared of what my future holds. The thought of all her stuff not being here, well that just makes me want to walk into the street and just keep walking.

[needhimso]

Pack up all of her stuff and leave it outside the door if you don't want to see her, or give her stuff to one of her friends or something. Even though she treated you terribly, it looks bad on your part if you don't let her have her things. I know it will hurt to see everything gone, but I would think it's just as tough to have her stuff around while you're broken up. Holding onto her things isn't going to change the situation. She wants it back, and not letting that happen will only cause more friction. Leave the house while she's there, pack things up, or give everything to someone else. No matter how you choose to do it, just get it over with and let that be that. Having little reminders out of sight does help somewhat, and you could truly begin NC.