BF said I Don't Know If I Love You...I'm new here-PLEASE HELP ME

[WickedBlonde]

I'm new here and I'm trying really hard to understand why my bf of 10 months just broke up with me out of the blue.

 

He just turned 17 in July and I'm 16. We have known each other for 2 years and we started dating last September. It was a fairytale romance. We were crazy about each other and we were head over heels for each other. Everyone who knew us thought we had the perfect HS sweethearts romance and they would always ask us how things were in "paradise". We were so in love and everyone saw it too and everything was great (or so I thought). I am going into music education in college so I am heavily involved in choir at school, private voice and piano lessons, and marching band at school. He plays soccer and was the goalie for the junior varsity school soccer team. He got involved in all of my activities, going to band competitions, coming to choir concerts, etc. I went to a few soccer games but I couldn't really get "involved" like he did (he helped move band equipment for performances). He seemed to be completely happy and enjoyed doing all of these things with me.

 

Well, after marching band season was over, life went on and we were still completely into each other. Winter was not nearly as busy so we spent a lot of time together, just watching movies at each others houses and just hanging out, cuddling, etc. I was his first "real" relationship and we became intimate but because we both have strong morals, did not go all the way. We had SO MUCH chemistry and physical attraction and there were no problems there at all. Well winter turned into spring and I was somewhat busier. I was in the school musical and he got involved and worked tech crew so he could spend time with me. Everything was fine. We never fought at all.

 

Then school ended and I (we both) went to Summer school. I needed to in order to get in extra credits I couldn't take during the regular year and he went (didn't really need to) to be with me (or that's what I thought). Things were still okay but we were a little less together every second. I didn't notice any problems at all. When summer school ended, we were both busy working and there didn't seem to be much time to see each other. He is the oldest of four boys and his parents put a lot of responsibility on him. I guess I missed seeing him every day so I didn't realize I was pressuring him to spend time with me. I guess I was being too demanding of his time and maybe he thought I was too clingy. Anyway, we did a few things together and then he was going on a family vacation. I gave him a bunch of presents for his birthday since he would be gone on vacation when he turned 17. The last time we saw each other, we went out and had a whole bunch of fun and he even bought me a $60 baseball jersey at the mall. Everything was great. Two days later he left for vacation and we would not see each other for two weeks.

 

He came back after one week and I left the same day for band camp.

He started to act strange on his vacation when I would talk to him on the phone. He kept telling me he was under a lot of pressure and stress. I didn't understand what he was talking about because his life is a lot less busy than mine so I didn't know what he was so stressed out about. When I was at camp, he would call and I would call him. He seemed strange the last time I talked to him and I said "I love you" and he didn't say anything back. I said it again and then he said he loved me too but it was strange.

 

Then, the day I come home (2 days after that call), I called to tell him I was home and that I really wanted to see him. He agreed to come over and a few hours later he did. When he got there, he looked so different. He was unshaven and just like a totally different person. He hugged me but it wasn't the same. We ended up going downstairs for privacy and when i started to try to get close to him and cuddle, he pushed me away and said he needed to talk to me. He said he didn't see this relationship working out because we were both too busy and didn't have time for a relationship. He said he was taking all honors classes and he needed to focus on school and I needed to focus on my music. Then he said "and I don't know if I love you...I'm only 17, I don't really know what love is". He said a few other bizarre things too. He said we were from different worlds and he could see me being with some guy who plays 20 instruments and sings and someday he will turn on the TV and see me being famous or singing with this other "guy".

 

I just can't understand why he walked away from me. He never once indicated that there was anything wrong with our relationship and we were happy together. I was starting to feel like he had some problems communicating with me. He wasn't very good at sharing his feelings and if he was being quiet or he seemed mad about something and I would ask him what was wrong, he would just say it was nothing and it wasn't me. He would never share his feelings with me or confide in me about any problems he was having (either in his life or with me). I never knew he was having these thoughts or did he just have them when he was on vacation with his parents and little brothers? Did his parents tell him he needed to focus on school and that things were getting too serious and that's what made him not want to be with me? He didn't really have a clear vision of what he wanted to do with his future/college and I did so was that what was bothering him?

 

Anyway, he said we would still be "close friends" and yet since we've been back at school, I am the one to acknowledge him with a "Hi" or "Hey" and he nods back but that's it. He won't even talk to me. He doesn't talk to any of my friends (and he had become friends with a lot of people through me at school). He seems extremely quiet and introverted. I just want to know if he has realized he made a mistake but he feels so bad he doesn't want to chance trying to get back together with me or he's too proud to admit he made a mistake. Or did he truly just throw away all of the closeness and love and happiness that we had and walk away because all of a sudden he really doesn't like who I am and he doesn't really want to be with me?

 

I just don't understand. I loved this boy so much and he never made me feel like he didn't feel the exact same way about me. It's like he just flipped a switch and turned off all his feelings for me. I know we had a future together. By the way, he started talking about being together forever and getting married someday and having kids and all that. Then he apparently told a female friend of his that "I" asked him if he was going to marry me. I never did any such thing. Why would he tell this girl that when he is the one that always talked about our future together?

 

I am so heartbroken. I don't know if I can go on and find someone I can love as much as I loved him. I don't know if we'll ever talk again or even be friends again and that absolutely kills me. Every time I see him at school, it's like a knife cutting into my heart. Please give me some advice on what I did wrong or why he just walked away from what we had.

[annie24]

hi - i am really sorry. i don't know what really went on in his head. i've seen the scenario you described also - the couple is doing really well, then someone goes away for part of the summer, and they break up. i'm really sorry that things didn't work out.

 

i think it's great that you are involved in choir. i bet you have a lot of friends too. rely on them at this time. go no contact. give yourself time to heal and grieve. you two are still growing up, trying to figure out who you are. take some time to get involved in your activities again, they will help you out immenseley with getting over the breakup.

 

hugs

[Seraphim]

I am sorry, I know it feels bad now. It will get better and you will move on and find many people to love and be with. 17 is young and most people do not find the "one" they are supposed to be with at that age no matter how much the relationship is a "paradise". Take time to grieve really and move past it. I can not even tell you how many wonderful things are in store for you and how much time you have to explore the glory of the world. HUG

[redrose85]

I'm sorry you're hurting. This is basically what *most* high school relationships are about. Some people just aren't mature enough to handle a serious relationship, and it sounds like he got scared and ran. He probably got hassled by his friends for being "whipped" or something dumb like that as well. I know it's hard, I've been in the same situation where you're just completely blindsided by a breakup. Rely on your friends and family and have as much fun as you can until one day you realize that you don't need that guy.

[redhearts]

Gee I don't want to come off as the b word here, but you said he acted different after his vacation. Maybe his brothers, or his parents said something that maybe "clicked" in him or he had a summer fling. Some people just don't do a full turn like that unless something drastic happened.

 

But I am sorry to hear, you two are still in high school and finding your own selves out.

[WickedBlonde]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I'm just so devasted right now. I think its true that he is just really immature and he got scared and ran away. It just doesn't make any sense to me though. He was getting all the love and affection any guy could possibly want. We had NO PROBLEMS in that area. Why didn't he just tell me he was scared or that he was having weird feelings and talk to me about them? I was so happy with him and now I don't even see any chances for me with him or with any other guys at my school. I just wish he would wake up and realize what he walked away from and come back.

 

I don't have any siblings and because of that I know I am very mature for my age...I get along great with people older than me but not really too great with people my own age. I feel like I'm very different then all of my friends. Actually, I don't really have many friends and I've been burned a lot, mostly by girls. It just seems like no one can relate to me or people are jealous of me or something. I've been told I'm one of the prettiest most talented girls in my class but guys seem to be afraid to approach me (until this one did). Most of the guys I know know that I'm a good girl with morals and they know I'm not gonna just go out with them and have sex. I almost feel like I need to become a slore or start drinking and partying it up just so I can get guys to date me.

 

It just kills me that I'm probably not going to find another guy at my school to date and he will most likely date a bunch of girls (he is a very good looking guy) and I'll have to watch that happen right in front of my eyes. I just wish I could move away or be out of high school already. It's only been four weeks but this is still killing me.

[WickedBlonde]

redhearts: yeah, I thought that too but his parents were with him on the vacation and they really liked me. He is the oldest and his next oldest brother is only 15. I don't really think his parents would have let him carry on with some girl he met on the beach while he was still in a relationship with me. Who knows, maybe they didn't even know about it but he told me he spent the entire time in Florida on the couch thinking about our relationship and there was no other girl. Totally confusing to me.

[girl68]

I didn't even read it. Your first couple sentences says it all. He's 17 and you're 16. You may love him, but how can you be sure? That's what he's thinking. How do I know what love is? Maybe he will reflect when he's older and says, yes, that was love... But he hasn't a clue yet! He's 17!

[annie24]

I didn't even read it. Your first couple sentences says it all. He's 17 and you're 16. You may love him, but how can you be sure? That's what he's thinking. How do I know what love is? Maybe he will reflect when he's older and says, yes, that was love... But he hasn't a clue yet! He's 17!

 

girl - surely you remember your first love and how devestated you were when it didn't work out?

[Kahdeksan]

Hey there, WickedBlonde, firstly allow me to send you the solace you so need, I' so sorry to hear what you had to go through. There are a couple of factors leading to him leaving, and I'll adress them below for you to digest;

 

The first clue to any relationship NOT working out is the fact that there wasn't any arguing or fights, as you so noted. This is often seen as a great thing, but it isn't, as it means that one of the partners isn't being honest and truthful about their feelings, or how to express their concerns and troubles. There is no such thing as perfection, we all have flaws, and if we don't, something is seriously wrong!

 

I actually think fights and arguments can lead to a healthy relationship if the problems brought up are addressed in an assertive and rational manner, which they should be.

 

There was no communications at all between the two of you, and seeing as he was the eldest of his siblings, he carried with him a lot of responsibility, again, as you so noted. He was the caregiver in this relationship, in that he carried out his responsible ways with you as it would have been expected of him to do so with his younger siblings. This is WHY he NEVER said anything but just did it.

 

The other factors is sex... boys WANT sex at that age! Every minute or so they are thinking of sex, this is the truth! I gather too that you insisted the relationship be based on just the emotions of intimacy as opposed to sex as well.

 

Him going away and being away from you allowed him to realize what he wanted at the current situation... and that was to be away from you. Now whether or not he had outside influence is anyone's guess, and it matters very little to this because he in the end holds the decision. Based on his decisions, this is what he's chosen... to leave you. That's hard to take and even harder for you to come to terms with because everything seemed so perfect from your point of view. Not so from his... and to be honest, he's probably thought about cutting ties with you for a while now, that vacation was a point in realization for him, and indeed he chose to act on it. Selfish yes, but he might also be going through a lot of confusion, wanting more... like sex and trying the greener pastures.

 

Your best option now is to try and come to terms with him leaving you, and you will not find closure by constantly asking him or replaying the events again and again in your head...

 

You're still young, plenty of time for you to grow and mature with someone who will find you rewarding and loving!

 

Sending you lots of warm vibes! Stand strong, Wicked one!