averagejoe1 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm hoping that talking to folks here will help me understand what's going on with my relationship. I've been with a woman for a long time (almost a decade). We haven't lived together for all this time and we've had a fairly rocky relationship due to some real constraints in our lives. Basically we've both had to overcome some obstacles that were in the way of us being together. Throughout this time we've had our ups and downs or rather we've been off and on. I've been hurt by her, she's been hurt by me. We've both got insecurities and ego issues I think. We don't live together currently, I moved out a while ago after another massive fight. The problem is we both deeply care for each other, and sex is great too - whenever we do get to it - i.e. after we've had a fight/miscommunication we usually try to give each other space or we're angry etc. and then a week or two later (sometimes longer - there is no predictable pattern) when things settle down we talk again, we discuss the problem we had, we're both receptive and caring and then sex happens. We spend a few happy days together and then I don't know what happens - but we get back to a fight and arguments and 'you said this - it means that' etc. I've been trying very hard to break this cycle (I see it as a cycle). I know we've had a very tough time and we've had a lot of issues to go through. I give her full credit for having worked through some very tough issues. But I don't understand why we keep going through this cycle. I think we've had a rocky history - so perhaps both (or one of us) has simply lost the ability to trust the other person completely! At least I used to feel that way when I moved out. That I couldn't trust anything she said - if she said I want to break up - I didn't believe her, if she said I want to be together I didn't believe her either - because I knew we'd be back together again. She admits that she can be indecisive, but lately she has been very sure that she wants to be with me. I'm now convinced that she does care for me, but somehow our fights/misunderstandings still happen! The other thing I have noticed recently is that i feel dominated by her. I think I like demure women, I want to be the one flirting, I want to be the one pursuing. But in her case, I feel that she is so flamboyant. I don't know whether it is that I am embarrased by some of the things she does - they're just silly really not bad or stupid or anything. she's just a silly kind of person and i'm a serious kind of person. In her presense I feel even more of a serious kind of person - and when I'm by myself or around people I'm comfortable with - I can be a fun person, but I think when I'm around i feel that I need to be the responsible one, and somehow I'm always taking on the role of the serious person, and we've developed this pattern. she's much more expressive than i am, but i feel that i've been typecast. the other issue is i dont know what i feel about her silly behavior. it gets on my nerves, but i feel like that is so shallow! that if i really care for her the way i do then why can't i just get over it and learn to accept it etc. so such a long post - basically two things - i don't know if my issues come from our long troublesome history - or if there is a basic incompatibility. i've tried very hard to break it up, i'm even contemplating moving so i'm farther away. I've been trying very hard to break the cycle - so now emotionally i think i've become stronger - i.e. our breakups don't affect me as much as they used to before. I think I'm ready to completely move away and look for someone else. I know that the next relationship might not have this spark that we have here but I'm willing to settle for less. Yet, every once in a while, when I meet her, I wonder - are we letting our insecurities and ego get in the way - are we letting something good go? will it ever be so good with someone else? (not just the sex, but we have a great mental connection and can talk about anything with each other - when things are good that is). Help. Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 i feel dominated by her ........you may like that role........only you can decide what role you play in all of this Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 It sounds to me like the two of you are incompatible and keep running back to each other because it is easier than starting over with someone else. The idea of "better the devil you know than the devil you don't". You don't have a healthy relationship and marriage won't fix that. Link to comment
averagejoe1 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 no it's not the role playing kind of dominant thing, but i get what you're saying. i'm just wondering if i get insecure by her personality or what! i feel that i like demure women and then i admonish myself for wanting a demure woman and not working hard enough to sort this relationship out! Link to comment
averagejoe1 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Crazyaboutdogs: thx, I am afraid of that. that we're incompatible. but she doesn't think so, we've tried to break up so many times and it doesnt work. i think moving out of the city is the only way we'll actually break up, but that can only happen in 1 or 2 years, meanwhile we will probb stay in this same rut. i think we might be able to to resolve some of these issues but only with time and distance. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 no it's not the role playing kind of dominant thing, but i get what you're saying. i'm just wondering if i get insecure by her personality or what! i feel that i like demure women and then i admonish myself for wanting a demure woman and not working hard enough to sort this relationship out! Is it that you don't like it ? Or that you feel like you're not in control ? What do you mean by "Demure" women ? Do you mean submissive ? Maybe this an issue for you to contend with ? Maybe you have feelings of being emasculated ? Maybe you'll get with a demure women and find it's just as much work if not more. Even as gentle, softspoken genteel woman will have drawbacks. I think you can work on this relationship, but you both most keep an open mind and be willing. It does sounds to me like a relationship worth keeping and making an efffort for. Link to comment
averagejoe1 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Share Posted September 4, 2008 thx tangi39 Link to comment
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