onewithbooks Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 To those of you who make it to the end, congrats! To those who respond - a very sincere thank you. Let the venting begin. All in all it has been what I would call a craptastic summer. I posted on it awhile back and its not getting better. Before I am burned at the stake for the words I am about to type please note, I am not insensitive to the situation or the pain that my brother is going through. I am just trying to work through my own emotions and if I am in a selfish place, so be it. I am tired of having sympathy for him. My brother was diagnosed with osteoarthritis. This is the conclusion that the doctors have come to after 3 weeks of my brother not being able to get out of bed. He is 30. He had spinal surgury when he was 15 and has steel rods in his back. More than likely he will be on disablity before he is 40. Until Friday he could not sit up without severe pain. Pain that caused him to go white and shake. Pain that for me, is I am sure, unimaginable. That said I am sick and tired of dealing with this crap. My brother did not have it easy growing up, but then neither did I. Our dad was abusive. Mentally and physically to both of us. I came out of the situation never wanting to repeat history. My brother came out bitter. I had a have worked since I was 16. He is one year older than me. He didnt work until he was out of highschool - 18. He was peeved because I got a car before he did. I got a car because my father was unreliable in picking me up. He would be an hour late and I would be standing in the dark in a bad part of town waiting for him. My brother never took that into consideration. He was just mad. My brother when we were kids got his way a lot. If he didnt get his way - he took it. I almost failed drivers ed, because I could never drive, because he wanted to drive all the time -and he got his way. My brother (due to lack of confidence, physical health, laziness) had trouble sustaining a full time job. He liked working part time. He had enough money for whatever he wanted and the time to do whatever he wanted in. As a result he is 30 with no job, and no insurance. Then he got sick, he couldnt move. It started in his foot and worked up to his hips. He was in terrible pain. His gf was here at the house all the time. Mom and I couldnt figure out why she was here constantly. When she started helping him in the bathroom, we found out. My brother hates me. I dont know why. He hates my mother too. The nicest thing he can say about me at the holidays is I am a brat and I am annoying. Love you too bro. When I say this I am not being overly dramatic. I asked him the weekend before last why he hated me and his answer was that I am living and breathing. After that statement my heart broke. I realized that he will never change and I should start greiving him now. He will be coming home from the hospital soon. He will have to sleep in my room as he will not be able to go downstairs to his living area. I am packing my things tonight. I dont know how long he will have to be in there, could be weeks, or months - who knows. Its all up in the air. I am a student. Next semester I will have to quit my full time job to be a full time student and work an internship. I do not make enough money to move out. I probably wont until next May. That said tonight I was packing my room and I began to cry. I cried because I am uprooting my life for someone who hates me. I will no longer have a place to call my own. I will sleep in my mom's bed with her until we can get a day bed for the office. Who knows when that will happen. Between work and school I have 17 hour days, four days a week. I have one day a week off. Now on that one day, I have no place to go. I am packing with no place to go. It was the little things that got me tonight. Packing my alarm clock. Packing my change bowl. I will have to move all my clothes to the basement. In the morning I have to leave so I dont disturb mom, go downstairs root through totes for clothes,dress in the basement, do jewlery and shoes there, come upstairs do the teeth and the hair in the bathroom and then leave, only to get home 17 hours later and try not to disturb mom as I slip back into bed. After my dad died, I was in a lot of upheaval, for a long time. Once I got my room fixed up, it was my haven from the world. Now its gone. I know how ridiculous I sound. I know I sound selfish. I dont care. I just plain don't care. Frankly I am sick to death of caring. He doesnt care about me and would rather see me dead as so I wouldnt annoy him. My brother is about as selfish as they come. He takes what he wants and does as he pleases with it. I had my futon in the basement. A nice futon, solid wood. He took it for his own purposes, put it on cinderblocks and somewhere along the way busted it. Now its garbage. It is a perfect example of my brother's lack of consideration for anything that is not his. At this point I just want out. I dont care what happens to him. He will always find someone to help him, he is good at that. I feel like I want to take what is left of me and to get out before I lose anything more. The sad part is, until last weekend, I thought maybe someday I might have a real brother. I have always wanted one. I hear stories of my female friends who have nice brothers and I want to cry. I try and remind them of how lucky they are. My brother is my only sibling. When mom is gone, I will be alone. My brother will be there, hand upward for his share, and then once he collects I will never see him again. That is fine. Its sad, but I am accepting it. Moments like this I hope one day I will marry. To have a father in law walk me down the aisle - if my mom can't. I dont want to make that walk alone. I hope I can have sister and brother in laws who I can be close with. While they may never take the place of my own, maybe that hole won't be so deep. Thank you for reading this. I am going to get a tissue now. owb Link to comment
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