Sick and tired of feeling guilty - vent

[onewithbooks]

To those of you who make it to the end, congrats! To those who respond - a very sincere thank you.

 

Let the venting begin.

 

All in all it has been what I would call a craptastic summer. I posted on it awhile back and its not getting better. Before I am burned at the stake for the words I am about to type please note, I am not insensitive to the situation or the pain that my brother is going through. I am just trying to work through my own emotions and if I am in a selfish place, so be it. I am tired of having sympathy for him.

 

My brother was diagnosed with osteoarthritis. This is the conclusion that the doctors have come to after 3 weeks of my brother not being able to get out of bed. He is 30. He had spinal surgury when he was 15 and has steel rods in his back. More than likely he will be on disablity before he is 40.

 

Until Friday he could not sit up without severe pain. Pain that caused him to go white and shake. Pain that for me, is I am sure, unimaginable.

 

That said I am sick and tired of dealing with this crap. My brother did not have it easy growing up, but then neither did I. Our dad was abusive. Mentally and physically to both of us. I came out of the situation never wanting to repeat history. My brother came out bitter. I had a have worked since I was 16. He is one year older than me. He didnt work until he was out of highschool - 18.

 

He was peeved because I got a car before he did. I got a car because my father was unreliable in picking me up. He would be an hour late and I would be standing in the dark in a bad part of town waiting for him. My brother never took that into consideration. He was just mad.

 

My brother when we were kids got his way a lot. If he didnt get his way - he took it. I almost failed drivers ed, because I could never drive, because he wanted to drive all the time -and he got his way.

 

My brother (due to lack of confidence, physical health, laziness) had trouble sustaining a full time job. He liked working part time. He had enough money for whatever he wanted and the time to do whatever he wanted in. As a result he is 30 with no job, and no insurance.

 

Then he got sick, he couldnt move. It started in his foot and worked up to his hips. He was in terrible pain. His gf was here at the house all the time. Mom and I couldnt figure out why she was here constantly. When she started helping him in the bathroom, we found out.

 

My brother hates me. I dont know why. He hates my mother too. The nicest thing he can say about me at the holidays is I am a brat and I am annoying. Love you too bro. When I say this I am not being overly dramatic. I asked him the weekend before last why he hated me and his answer was that I am living and breathing. After that statement my heart broke. I realized that he will never change and I should start greiving him now.

 

He will be coming home from the hospital soon. He will have to sleep in my room as he will not be able to go downstairs to his living area. I am packing my things tonight. I dont know how long he will have to be in there, could be weeks, or months - who knows. Its all up in the air.

 

I am a student. Next semester I will have to quit my full time job to be a full time student and work an internship. I do not make enough money to move out. I probably wont until next May.

 

That said tonight I was packing my room and I began to cry. I cried because I am uprooting my life for someone who hates me. I will no longer have a place to call my own. I will sleep in my mom's bed with her until we can get a day bed for the office. Who knows when that will happen. Between work and school I have 17 hour days, four days a week. I have one day a week off. Now on that one day, I have no place to go. I am packing with no place to go.

 

It was the little things that got me tonight. Packing my alarm clock. Packing my change bowl. I will have to move all my clothes to the basement. In the morning I have to leave so I dont disturb mom, go downstairs root through totes for clothes,dress in the basement, do jewlery and shoes there, come upstairs do the teeth and the hair in the bathroom and then leave, only to get home 17 hours later and try not to disturb mom as I slip back into bed.

 

After my dad died, I was in a lot of upheaval, for a long time. Once I got my room fixed up, it was my haven from the world. Now its gone.

 

I know how ridiculous I sound. I know I sound selfish. I dont care. I just plain don't care. Frankly I am sick to death of caring. He doesnt care about me and would rather see me dead as so I wouldnt annoy him.

 

My brother is about as selfish as they come. He takes what he wants and does as he pleases with it. I had my futon in the basement. A nice futon, solid wood. He took it for his own purposes, put it on cinderblocks and somewhere along the way busted it. Now its garbage. It is a perfect example of my brother's lack of consideration for anything that is not his.

 

At this point I just want out. I dont care what happens to him. He will always find someone to help him, he is good at that. I feel like I want to take what is left of me and to get out before I lose anything more.

 

The sad part is, until last weekend, I thought maybe someday I might have a real brother. I have always wanted one. I hear stories of my female friends who have nice brothers and I want to cry. I try and remind them of how lucky they are.

 

My brother is my only sibling. When mom is gone, I will be alone. My brother will be there, hand upward for his share, and then once he collects I will never see him again. That is fine. Its sad, but I am accepting it.

 

Moments like this I hope one day I will marry. To have a father in law walk me down the aisle - if my mom can't. I dont want to make that walk alone. I hope I can have sister and brother in laws who I can be close with. While they may never take the place of my own, maybe that hole won't be so deep.

 

Thank you for reading this. I am going to get a tissue now.

 

owb

[Angel_baby]

Onewithbooks,

 

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, lupus and many back problems including Scoliosis. I want to let you to know, for your brother, that severe chronic pain plays horrible tricks to your mind. I really sympathize with you. I was in your brothers position (still am on some days) where I let the hate and anger consume me.

 

I of course am not your brother, but I felt like I hated everyone because they were healthy and pain free and I was doomed to be a cripple. I was so angry at how unfair it was that I would take it out on anyone I could.

 

I think your brother doesn't really hate you. He just hates himself right now. He NEEDS therapy more then ever right now. Being told you are going to be crippled at a young age is NOT easy. Being told you won't go a day without pain is even harder.

 

I think you are actually doing the right thing in moving out and getting away from the stress... I just wanted to let you know... don't give up on your brother yet. He may be a selfish person from the past but something like this has a weird way of changing people. Like a wake up call in a sense.

 

He is going through a very bitter period right now. I went through it also, so this is why I want to speak for your brother while he can't and let you know what chronic pain does to the mind.

[onewithbooks]

Thank you Angel Baby, I sincerely appreciate your words.

 

I know I cant imagine the terror that he must feel. I am just fed up with his attitude, his foul mouth, and the disgusting way he treats my mom and I who have only been here to help him.

 

I feel like I am running out of sympathy. I have tried. I have tried so many times. I am tired of breaking my heart over and over for someone who could care less. My brother has treated me in this fashion my whole life. In school when he would get teased, I stuck up for him, when I got teased, he joined in.

 

If he were to once show appreciation, a spark of kindness it would be different. My mom goes to visit him and he wont look at her. She calls him and he wont talk to her - his is too busy watching t.v. He has never had a consciousness about how the things he does affects others, and I am tired of sacrificing my emotions over it. I need to get away from him, and I cant. As it is the one bit of sanctuary I had is now gone.

 

I know its selfish. Listening to it in my head it all sounds selfish what is four walls compared to what he is going through. I think though I am just tired of always "taking things into consideration" with him.

 

Tomorrow might be different. I might wake up and feel kinder or more benevolent, or just have found I am tired of focusing on it. I hope I do. Right now I feel like I did after my dad died. I dont have anymore chances with Dad, and that is how I feel about my brother.

 

It is hard to express just the emotion of how I feel. I have always wanted a brother. I guess he just never wanted a sister. I know pain makes you say things you dont mean, but my brother said them before the pain. I just didnt want to listen I guess. It took this to make me see it. Now I see it, and I feel it, and it hurts righteously.

[Ellie2006]

OWB, Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. *hugs*

 

Y'know, I dont think platitudes will help you at this point, nor do I think that I could tell you anything that you havent already thought of yourself OR havent heard from someone else.

 

This is going to sound callous but forget your brother.

You cant help your brother, mainly because his resentment towards you is NOT going to make him receptive to any support/help/advice you offer him.

 

Trying to help him is only going to drain you emotionally; plus, if you are going to help him only to resent him for rejecting your help, then I think it's best to back off for now.

 

So, for now, focus on YOU. I think it's more important that you get yourself back on track FIRST and FOREMOST before you make your next effort to help your brother [if you want to, that is].

 

Also, I think you made an excellent point (in another thread) about cutting out "toxic" people out of our lives; your brother, unfortunately, has become a toxic existence in your life and I think distancing yourself is key. I know it might be geographically impossible to create distance between you and your brother but at least try to create an emotional distance.

 

I can see how terribly upsetting it can be to lose your personal space, your "oasis." I'm guessing that moving into an apartment w/ roommates is out of the question for now? So is there anyway that you guys can convert the office space into your room sooner? How about getting just a (air) mattress for now, if you cant get a bed?

 

Also, I think you should try to locate a safe haven for yourself, if not within the home (at the moment), then somewhere outside the home -- a place you can go to regroup and get your peace of mind back. Sorry but the best places I can think of right now are a library (a carrel, perhaps), a coffee shop, or a park?

 

 

Ultimately, I dont think you're being unreasonable at all ... I think your feelings are all valid (not that your feelings need validation) and I dont think you should feel guilty at all for how you feel. You're emotionally spent and it is NOT selfish to ask that you be given time and space for recuperation.

 

Finally, are you talking to anyone about this situation? How about your mom or a family member, who'd understand what you're going through and offer sage advice and comfort? If you are a student, please do look into free counseling, which is usually offered by universities.

 

Take care of yourself, OWB, and sorry I am not more helpful.

[Angel_baby]

It isn't selfish at all. He is being a jerk right now... even in pain it still doesn't make it right to treat others that way.

 

It all comes down to the fact he needs some counseling and therapy. He is going to go through a phase of "giving up" also.

And right now he doesn't need sympathy, believe it or not. He needs everyone to be a bit hard on him so he won't "give up". Getting all this attention is just feeding his hatred.

 

I know how you feel in a sense. My mom was an alcoholic. I always have wished I had a "real" mom growing up. We get dealt the crappy hand sometimes in life. But you know what? You are in control of everything YOU do. Do what makes you happy, be who you want to be.

 

Right now also would be a great time for you to possibly go see about some counseling for everything that has fallen in your lap recently. That kind of stress is really hard to deal with on your own.

[onewithbooks]

Thank you Ellie. I am doing my best to keep the emotional distance. Its hard because I am the only one who can be there for my mom. Her sister is in TX and I am the closest thing she has. The only thing is the venting cant go both ways - because that is her baby and like it or not she is a mother and her baby is in pain, and so her heart will go to him, as it should in a lot of ways. I dont want to take that from my brother - even if he doesnt want to accept it.

 

Thank you for validating my feelings. I think I did need to hear that. Usually when the bad stuff hits, I dig my heels in and get through it. Tonight this feels almost too big for me to handle.

 

As far as talking to people mom is out of the question and I have a few close friends, but with work and school the time to talk is not there. Same goes for the counselor. As far as family goes - not really. They would not see my position for my brother's. I understand that. Right now he needs a lot of understanding. Frankly, I am not in a good place at the minute to listen to them tell me that my concerns are nothing compared to what he is going through. Logically I know that. I also know that my parents had two children, not one.

 

I do journal. Normally I work my emotions out there. Once I write it, I can get past it. This seesaw of emotion usually finds its balance on paper. Tonight though, I was just too weak to try and put the thoughts there. It seemed easier here.

[jengh]

L,

You are not being selfish AT ALL. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine having a sibling who, at HIS AGE, continues to act like you're 12 with typical sibling rivalry. That must be terribly hard on you. I think you're the opposite of selfish. You're giving up your bedroom, your haven, your sanctuary... for someone who won't in the least bit (seemingly) appreciate it. Perhaps he's just bitter because of what he's going through, maybe deep down he DOES appreciate what you're doing...but either way, you're doing a good thing and I truly do believe in karma. You're a good person. I -know- you're a hardworking and kind person. Just keep being who you are and good things will come to you.

 

Again, I'm soooo sorry for what you have to deal with.

[onewithbooks]

Angel Baby -

 

I try and remember that I control me, but today was hard. I think it was the feeling of moving with no place to go. Packing without a destination. It just got to me.

 

The university I work at has counselors, but the last time I checked the times they were there, didnt work with my schedule and I can't afford therapy.

 

If my lack of sympathy to my brother won't feed his hatred, then i am glad some good will come out of this mess.

 

Thank you for your persepective. You and Ellie have done wonders at making me feel not so alone in this.

 

owb

[thejigsup]

My brother has RA, a rod in his back, and continuous pain. He was recently diagnosed with cancer of the kidney and gallbladder. He is having surgery for the cancer in two weeks. He has always been a good brother to me, so I can't put myself in your shoes at all. While your brother does deserve your sympathy, you could use some, also. If I were you, I would get a full-time job, put off school for a year, get a roommate, and see if maybe you can get some distance from your brother and get your life in gear. Taking off one or two semesters will not destroy your future, but these living conditions may put you over the edge. What good is a degree if you have a breakdown?

[Ellie2006]

I think "thejigsup" and "Angel_Baby"'s posts indicate that people can still be very compassionate, loving, and kind towards others, in spite of their adversities.

 

While, to a certain degree, your brother's behavior and attitude is understandable, I also do not believe his illness gives him a blanket absolution for the way he treats you.

 

Again, this may sound harsh but stop killing yourself, trying to make up excuses for your brother's abominable behavior -- he has other people catering to his needs. You should look out for you and be your number one advocate.

 

We're here too when you need us.

[Angel_baby]

Again, this may sound harsh but stop killing yourself, trying to make up excuses for your brother's abominable behavior -- he has other people catering to his needs. You should look out for you and be your number one advocate.

 

We're here too when you need us.

 

This is true true true. You have so much on your plate right now that you need to focus on you. Your brother might eventually come to his senses but until then you have your own life and your own problems.

 

What he got handed wasn't fair but how he treats others isn't either. You have done what you can. *hugs*

[onewithbooks]

I cant thank you all enough for the support you gave me! We heard from my brother today - via the gf. He is not leaving the hospital today. We dont know when he is coming home. I hope not for awhile so that he can get as well as he can there before he comes here.

 

I am continuing to pack my things. It is easier today. Its strange I thought it would be harder. I thought seeing the emptiness would make it worse, but it doesnt. Oddly enough it makes it easier. I guess it is because last night was hard work to get through and now I am seeing the accomplishment of that.That combined with the knowledge that the next time I see a lot of these things will be in my own place, is powerful.

 

I was angry yesterday. I was angry in part because all of what Mom and I are going through will never be appreciated by him. I have started to accept that, and its ok. I am not packing for him anymore. Now I am packing for me. Even if he is well enough not to be in this room, I wont unpack it again. If I do, then it will have been for him. If I dont, then I am packing for when I move. Does that make sense? I guess its my small way of having a bit of control on this carnival ride.

 

I wont leave anything in here that I will want back, with the exception of my DVD shelves. That can't be helped. There is no other spot for it.

 

 

Anyhow, thank you all again, I didnt know how much I needed someone else to see things from my point of view. I needed to be understood and to be heard. Thank you for listening. I dont know what will happen in the next few days or weeks, but its nice to know there is a place to vent with people who listen.

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

 

owb