Evolution

[Soul_Seeker]

Yesterday, without searching for them, I found peace and direction.

 

It has only been approximately a month since my ex broke up with me but after speaking to him two nights ago, I am feeling the best I have felt since the break up.

 

The conversation, admittedly, would've sounded bad for me. I do think I came accross clingy and needy. I know that initially my intention to speak my mind was to provoke thoughts of reconciliation from him. I started to tell him that I was doing a lot of different things, and catching up with heaps of friends. This in turn allowed me to meet new people. I never really needed to be this social because I was just so complacent in the relationship.

 

I also told him that I didn't regret the break up because I have discovered so much since then. I've been able to analyse the relationship and know what was I unhappy with, both in him and in me. Because I relied on him for everthing and made him the centre of my universe, I inadvertently placed greater expectations on him than I realised. I was so afraid of losing him that I clung on TOO tightly.

 

Throughout the conversation, he seemed unperturbed. He didn't reveal any emotions or thoughts but I knew he felt he had the superior position because he made such comments as, "I'll think about it and tell you what I decide" and "you've given me things to think about and I may reconsider." He was still rather cold and was clearly still clutching to the negative aspects of the relationship, even bringing up examples of the past. I know he's just doing this because he needs justification for his decision to break up and to stay broken up. And that made me feel sorry for him. He hasn't been able to move on. All he is doing is retaining the negative energy to support the break up and whenever he thinks about the relationship, me or the break up, he just pushes them aside instead of dealing with the issues.

 

Strangely, even though I know I sounded like the needy one, I didn't feel this way afterward at all. I didn't feel heartbroken because he gave me no indication of what he was feeling or thinking. I didn't feel hurt when he made comments that suggested he had the upper hand (i.e. reconsidering).

 

I really hope that this isn't an ephemeral feeling because I actually feel happy to be in the state that I am in presently. When we broke up, everyone told me that I had to move on. Treat the break up as definite and don't hope for reconciliation. Sure, I knew I should move on but now I WANT to move on.

 

From this point forward, I will stop caring about how he feels and what he thinks. Not in a malicious way of course, but in the sense that I will not let it affect me anymore. I'm ready to live my life for ME again.

 

I'm feeling so much better that I HAD to share it with the people who've helped me SO MUCH to get me where I am now. Thanks to all those who've read and replied to my posts!

 

Hugs

[neallo82288]

Congratulations and I am happy for you. You still need to know that there will be up days as well as down days. But, you have come alot further than most and that is a big step. Now, you must heal from the pain and deal with the hurt that you do deel deep inside. Glad you have decided to move on and now life is grander and you will not feel the hurt as much

 

 

Good Luck

 

Neallo

[Soul_Seeker]

Thanks for the encouragement neallo!

 

And yes, I'm fully aware of the future down days. I still feel sad over the end of the relationship and I'm sure there will be days when I will shed a tear or two but that's natural - we were together for 5yrs after all!

 

But I'm looking forward now and keeping positive. Loving the feeling of not being captive to my grief anymore!

[pudgy55]

WOW you konw what? we are on the same boaT!

 

two days ago, i myself went through some interesting things that has shed some light onto my breakup also. If you checked my previous posts, you knew how i was hung over him and how he's been talking a lot (or at least i think) with his new "god-sis." anyways, i was talking to a friend about this girl and we came to the conclusion that she's a W_ore...

 

Neways, i caved in and i phoned him... but..THANK GOD he didn't pick up...so i did the next best thing i thought possible.. i phoned his friend that he lives him and talked to him. Well he told me that my ex and that girl didn't have anything going on otherwise, he would've known by now. And we just started talking about my ex, and our relationship and stuff like that.

 

He was the only person that told me that i should get my ex out and talk and see if he wants to try thing one more time. If he doesn't then i konw really move on coz at least i gave it my last shot. I didn't even have to think about it twice and i said no.

 

No. then it's like, it finally hits me.. if i say no, i don't want to get back with him because he's so screwed up with now with his own life problems and work and stuff.. why the hell am i putting myself through pain being so hung over him when i don't even want to get back with him anymore.

 

Long story short, i'm just going to stick to that feeling for now and just pray for the best. If i can know that i will not get back with him anymore...the road to self discovery and healing has just gotten a lot closer for the both of us girl!

 

Wish you the best of luck girl you konw i'll always be around here to help my boat buddy out!