Cadence_oO Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 So,the thing goes..me and my husband have separated over a month ago.I know it's not much but it feels like forever to me... We have legally arranged his visitation rights to our daughter(every other weekend and on the weekends she doesn't see him he sees her on Tuesday and wednesday's after nursery) and he no longer lives in a hotel,he bought a place for himself. Although I am still going through a rough time over it,I can safely say that I am healing and feeling much more positive and secure. So much actually that I have had two dates with a man I met at my friends dinner party. I did NOT intend to even think about dating so soon after my separation but this guys was just so nice and I settled on one date that went so great I let him talk me into another one. Now,these are still such early stages and everything is going very very slow especially because of my daughter who is still getting used to the fact that mommy and daddy won't be living together anymore. Now my soon to be ex husband has found out about this new man through a friend of ours. Can I just add that WE are divorcing because of his INFIDELITY! He is still in a relationship with the girl he was cheating on me with (although long-distance relationship).She stays in his house when she visits,sometimes on the same weekends as our daughter goes to see her dad.She is constantly around the girl who broke her parents up! And my ex-husband has the nerve to accuse ME that I am not thinking about Alexis's well-being and that I shouldn't be bringing men into her life just like that! First of all,I didn't introduse this new guys that I'm seeing with Alexis nor do I intend too for a very looooooong time. Now,for the first time since our separation I feel like I'm back on track to being happy and that everything is going to be ok. And he made me feel like a horrible mother! Does he have a point? Is it too soon for me to start bonding with someone else? Advice please,thank you! Link to comment
bijoux27 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I think he is freaking out that you're actually strong enough to begin moving on and that you value your life like a sane person. He assumed you would be sitting home, grieving day in and day out, but he is facing reality, and reality is biting him in the backside. He is attempting to put you back into that fantasy mindset (that you'd be grieving and are pining for him) by manipulating you and telling you that you're not a good mother for doing this. Ignore what he says about that. You're not hurting Alexis, he is. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 You know,I used to think of him as the world....the best husband, the best father,the best man,businessman,the best provider. Even after I found out about the cheating I still thought that of him... How stupid was I?! I just can't believe that I even tried to justify his cheating by blaming myself! Link to comment
bijoux27 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 He might have been charming and convincing...but you can see through that when he takes actions like this. He's putting his blame on you...making you think it's your fault but it's really not. I'm glad that this time you can see that it's not your fault, that you're not doing anything wrong, it's him. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I personally don't see what it has to do with your ex H, if you choose to get involved with another guy or not. If you are feeling pretty comfortable and are ready to date other men, then why not and go for it. Who is your ex H to have any say in the matter. He forfeited all of his rights to say what goes and what doesn't, the day he walked out!!.... And I'm unsure where he gets the nerve to suggest that you are being a bad mother because you may bring a new man into your daughters life, while he is allows his 'fancy woman' to parade around, in your daughters presense.....what a total and utter hypocrit!!! He sounds a lot like my ex H. Mine cheated also and left to be with her. One of the first things he said to me after he left was, 'If I find out you are involved with any other men, I will return and burn the house down'......go figure. It was ok for him to cheat and leave....not ok for me to get involved elsewhere and even when we'd broke up. My ex would also say he didn't want other men around our daughter.....yet our daughter from day one of him leaving, went to stay at his house with him and his other woman! All boils down to jealousy and they can't stand the thoughts that we may be with someone new/moving on.....yet it's ok for them to be elsewhere and with someone else. It was a long time before I got involved with anyone else and it's only of recent I have. My ex H doesn't know....and it's none of his business. I'd tell him to get lost, if he did say anything... Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hes actually laughable. Hes just lashing out and her knows calling you a bad mother is the worst thing he could say. Your the one acting sensible and mature. I think he hoped you'd be crying and begging him back but no such luck!! Your being strong and enjoying life. That makes you a GOOD mother. LEts see how well he fares with this young lady. I guarantee once the excitement wears off he'll be sorry. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 You should tell him your personal life and who you date is no longer anything to do with him as you are not bringing your daughter into it or to see these guys, so its your business, not his. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Cadence I thought of you recently and wondered how you were doing. And WOW...what news you bring us! Your ex has a HUGE ego problem. He apparently feels like his actions are above judgement. So he gets to do what he wants and you are supposed to sit around and pine after him. My first thought was when you took Alexis for her first visit at the hotel and HIS GIRLFRIEND answered the door in her undies...and he is worried about her well-being? Give me a break! I would give this to your attorney ASAP...b/c sounds like your ex is jugding your every step. I hear more strength in you post than before...you go girl! Link to comment
Daria_Lane Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Im confused Did you throw it back that HE's seeing someone else and your daughter sees this person each time shes around? if so, what was his response? Link to comment
Daegas Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Cadence I thought of you recently and wondered how you were doing. And WOW...what news you bring us! Your ex has a HUGE ego problem. He apparently feels like his actions are above judgement. So he gets to do what he wants and you are supposed to sit around and pine after him. My first thought was when you took Alexis for her first visit at the hotel and HIS GIRLFRIEND answered the door in her undies...and he is worried about her well-being? Give me a break! I would give this to your attorney ASAP...b/c sounds like your ex is jugding your every step. I hear more strength in you post than before...you go girl!I only hear someone with anger, a negative self-image and a low self-esteem trying to fight back ridiculous accusations (which I fear she will have to deal with for quite some time). I am fully aware this is caused by her husband blaming her for everything whilst she believed him to be a wonderful man, but regardless of this she needs to heal herself again and anger is just going to make things worse because the baby will sense it. I am truly sorry for the way you got treated, you sound like a wonderful person that just might have stayed in love forever if you had met a guy who thought the same way about you. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Candace.... I'm glad to hear that you're doing better now, I've been wondering how it's been going since your last post. NOOO, you're not a bad Mother, don't let him twist this around, and put it on you. He made the choice to cheat on you for all that time, and now he has to deal with the consequences. You certainly have every right to live your life, and be happy. He made his bed, let him sleep in it. Take care... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Actually, he is still legally your husband as you are only separated, not yet divorced. Of course, given what he has done, it is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black...but that is pretty typical of cheaters...they tend to focus on what the partner is doing rather than on what they are doing. Just ignore him...it is the typical rantings of someone who does wrong and tries to shift blame. Having said that, I do have to question what the rush is as far as dating. You have only been separated for a very very short time..the separation due to infidelity. There is a lot of betrayal and issues to process...you have not given yourself sufficient time to deal with the fallout. What typically happens when people rush into dating so quickly is that it becomes a bandaid solution not to deal with the pain...especially in cases of infidelity. As the new relationship progresses then memories of the previous betrayal come into play and start impacting the new relationship. While you may think you are doing fine (lots of people who plunge into dating soon after a relationship ends also think they are perfectly fine), you likely aren't as fine as you think you are as far as being ready to date. Yes, people will say "go out and date and have fun" but inevitably a relationship always ensues and someone gets hurt. I would encourage you to hold off the dating and just process the relationship you had and the betrayal. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I only hear someone with anger, a negative self-image and a low self-esteem trying to fight back ridiculous accusations (which I fear she will have to deal with for quite some time). I am fully aware this is caused by her husband blaming her for everything whilst she believed him to be a wonderful man, but regardless of this she needs to heal herself again and anger is just going to make things worse because the baby will sense it. I am truly sorry for the way you got treated, you sound like a wonderful person that just might have stayed in love forever if you had met a guy who thought the same way about you. Well, she HAS TO feel anger to get through this...it would be abnormal not to. It is part of the grieving process...sadness, anger and then indifference. She is doing the right thing and I have read her story from the beginning...her daughter is her first thought in all of this. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Next time he brings this up just laugh at him. I'd be tempted to say to him, 'so you get to run off and leave your wife and daughter for a little trollop and i'm supposed to sit around like a nun for the rest of my life?? Dream on!!!' Then just laugh at him. Classic cheater behavior though. When my ex cheated on me and we separated, he became obsessed with the idea of me dating someone else, which i wasn't even doing. Cheaters want their trollops, but they have trouble adjusting to the idea that what's good for the goose is good for the gander! Do be careful though about bringing any men home until you've talked to your lawyer and the divorce is resolved. He can't stop you from introducing your dates to your daughter, but don't do any sleepovers until the divorce is final. Glad to hear you are doing so well! So go out with your friends and do some very casual dating and enjoy yourself, but don't rush into anything serious until you've really gotten past the divorce and have your feet firmly on solid ground. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Im confused Did you throw it back that HE's seeing someone else and your daughter sees this person each time shes around? if so, what was his response? My daughter sees this girl because she goes to her father every other weekend and sometimes thats the time the girl stays at my ex husbands house. So my daughter has spend the last whole weekend with her dad and his girlfriend! And yes,I suppose you can say I'm angry,I think thats normal considering everything,but I'm not nearly as angry as I was,I'm gaining back my self-esteem and I can honestly say that I'm slowly starting to heal. Maybe Daegas you feel this way because you didn't 'know' me before this post but when me and my husband fell apart I was a mess! I am only angry now because of his accusations that I'm a selfish mother when I would literally give anything for my daughter. Me dating this man is nothing serious,it's not even in the process of becoming serious.I sure as hell won't even consider bringing him home until at least my divorce is finalized which has months to go. Not to mention introducing him to Alexis. Who knows if it will even last till then but for now I'm having a nice time and enjoy his company. Is that wrong? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Thats not wrong its great. I did the same thing when I broke up with my ex and it went just fine Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Absolutely not wrong! Your husband cheated on you and left you and if you've found someone you enjoy spending time with, do enjoy it... Honestly, I think your ex is a very selfish person who is quite narcissistic and thinks about everything only from his own perspective. It truly is laughable that he'd call you a bad mother for just going out with some other guy, when he's shacking up with your daugther and his mistress. Don't listen to anything he says... in my mind, his credibility is just shot! Link to comment
Daria_Lane Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 My daughter sees this girl because she goes to her father every other weekend and sometimes thats the time the girl stays at my ex husbands house. So my daughter has spend the last whole weekend with her dad and his girlfriend! Is that wrong? I understand that. I mean when he was saying all that nasty stuff to you, did you tell him what HE did and has been doing? If s what was his response/reaction? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Thank you! He is very narcisstic... I do still love him,you don't just grow out of that and I probably always will as he is the father of my daughter and we have spend 4 years together but I've just lost all my respect for him. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Im confused Did you throw it back that HE's seeing someone else and your daughter sees this person each time shes around? if so, what was his response? I'm sorry,I've just now figured out the question (stupid me read it wrong before I haven't thrown it back,will definitely the next time I see him. I was just way too upset,just picked up Alexis and left. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I do not think you are wrong. He is just a plain jacka$$. However I do not think you should introduce any dates to your daughter. It is too soon for you to be doing that. She is still figuring out what is going on. You should not introduce casual people to your kids after divorce, UNLESS they are going to become a big part of your life and your child's life. My mom was divorced 3 times I can see it from the kid perspective. And I think you mentioined you would not introduce him to her great job! He should not be having his little tart there with his daughter either, that is total PIG behavior. Link to comment
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