Andy_2007 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 When I read through the posts on these forums, the emotion i tend to see crop up time and time again is fear. Now, this is a break up forum so you'd think that the over-riding emotion would be love, right? Not so from what I can see. So many posters, both in fresh break ups and longer term ones are expressing more or less the same feelings over and over again. That of being afraid to be alone, afraid to be single. What would you say is one of the most important aspects in becoming a well-adjusted, mature and wise human being? I'd say it's the ability to face fears and overcome them. Whenever a person does this, they boost ego and self-confidence and earn a more balanced outlook on the world. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? We are not improved or strengthened as individuals by the good things that happen to us, but only by the bad and the way we deal with them and come through them successfully. So here you are, heart broken and desperate for either get back with your ex or find someone new to replace them, to take away that feeling of loneliness and fear that grips your heart. Now, step outside yourself for an instant. Step away from your personal sense of grief and desperation and look at the situation more objectively. What is better for you right now? To get back with that ex, the person who's caused you such pain - or to find somebody new now to make you feel better and to boost your ego? OR Would it be better for you as an individual, better in the long term for your sense of self worth and maturity as a human being to be brave and stand alone, knowing that only by combating this fear you have on your own and relying on nobody else, you will become a stronger, more fearless and better person? Don't pick up that phone. Don't send that text message or email. Don't write that letter. Don't search desperately for somebody else. Don't get involved with the wrong person. Don't rebound. Stand by yourself. On your own. For you. 'nuff said. - Andy Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Excellent post Andy. You've exposed the overriding truth behind what brings *most* to this forum. Fear of being alone. Thanks for uncovering, and speaking on what most are trying to avoid.... Link to comment
sarahlou Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 And so say all of us........ Link to comment
Roasted Carrots Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I think that's a good point. It's really helped me to see that there are others in my situations, and that they're scared, too. It's also helpful for others to say "it's scary, but doable, and someday you can move past it like me!" So I don't think being afraid is a bad thing, it's a very natural and human thing to be. We can't just let fear control our lives. Great post. Link to comment
gemini6686 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 excellent post!!!!!Makes a lot of sense....but at the time of breakups your heart is ruling over you mind and its difficult to see that ahead in the future and think its for the best!!! Link to comment
maka56 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Good post and something I am now learning, if you can be strong to stand on your own two feet you will go far!, to be alone is not to be scared off we come into this world alone and will leave alone. To be strong on are own is a great thing and people will see that. Learn to love your own company and others will see this and want to share this. Link to comment
SadOldMan Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 It's been just over a year since I moved back into 'my' house. On the whole, I've actually enjoyed this time of reflection. Granted, I do get lonely now and again but I do feel as though I really am getting there....wherever there is. Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 right on brother andy nuff said Link to comment
starlight40 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Thanks for the post. Thats exactly what im doing right now, im trying to overcome my fear of being alone so that i can be happy being single. Ive been on relationships now, non stop for 8 years, i basically ended it with the first one of 5 years and then went straight out looking for someone else, i had a few short relationships then i met my last ex who i was with for two years, weve been split up for 3 months now. I decided i need to be by myself until im over my fears, happy to be single and to get to know myself again. When i get to that point i will no longer 'cling' to the first opportuntity that comes along but be able to pick and choose who i want to be in my life. Link to comment
Desiderata Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 That was a great post, dear. It's really true - if a person can't be okay on their own, how can they support someone else and be in a healthy, new relationship? Or more importantly, how can they begin to cope and embrace their life as a single, happy individual? Link to comment
Clabs Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hey Andy Nice to hear from you and hope you are well. This is a great post and there are a lot of truths in there. If you cannot be strong enough to be happy on your own and to love yourself, then how on earth is a new relationship going to last? Lots of people on here would do well to heed your advice. Take care mate. Mark Link to comment
trutru Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I think thats a great post and agree even tho I am singel I love being single now its fab and you know what I longed for it.. I am finding me again and I am learning I am strong and no needy and can do all the things a man can do apart form a few lol lol but hey... Its great being singel.. I went to a gay club friday I would of never gone before but now I went with my best friend who is a gay man.. I went to a lap dancing club 2, with my Army buds.. not cus Im turning or anything but all my friends are men due to being in the Royal M...and Im not saying I am drinking like a wild one..nooo you can have fun with out drink..and I can not drink due to training but I am doing everything I could not not before, like no tv on instead I can have my classical music on, I can stay in my Pjs for 3 days hehehe yeppieee.. oh and I can eat fish and chips with out the man saying Babebeee do you think you should eat that you will get fat.. I throw the food in to the frige with out the man saying hooo myyyy life.. cross infection!!!!!!!.. then he will give me a good talking to how to fill the bloody frige.. oh and I walk around my house in my undiess with out the man saying HOOOOO shall we have sexx hahaahh!!!!!!! Im feeeee, come on girls have some fun. I am ;] Link to comment
atelis Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 i think i am wired differently. i have been single for most of my adult life and i have enjoyed my single status. when i choose to be in a relationship, it's because i have found someone who adds to my life, not because i hate being alone or single. the pain i feel now is a pain of loss, not a pain which is caused by fear of being alone or single. Anyone that enters any relationship through fear of being alone is doomed to failure or unhappiness from the outset, unfortunately, the majority of relationships i see among friends and family are born out of fear of being alone. Link to comment
shell80 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Top post Andy - so very true, and we all know it deep down. Unfortunately society has a huge role to play into pushing us into the relationships scenarios - particularly in advertising. I was listening to the radio today and they were having a call in listener debate on 'is it better to be single or in a couple?'. How ridiculous....in the end the couple scenario won which made me sick. Happiness does not come from someone else, but from your own independence and self worth. Link to comment
Andy_2007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 I think, on the whole, being in a relationship is better than being single. Being single can be a drag and it can be lonely...hence I suppose why we find it frightening to be in such a situation. But that's kind of the point of what I'm saying. It's not about being happy or preferring to be single, it's about acknowledging that being single can be scary and dealing with it. Standing up to it and not letting it defeat you or send you running towards a relationship that is wrong for you. If your scared of spiders, you don't suddenly start loving them if you overcome that fear. It's just that the fear is no longer there and you aren't weakened or made to feel bad because of them. Same for being single. Just the ability to say: "I'm single and it can be unpleasant, but I'm stronger than it and brave enough not to run for cover to a person out of weakness that will be of detriment to me." Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 i think i am wired differently. i have been single for most of my adult life and i have enjoyed my single status. when i choose to be in a relationship, it's because i have found someone who adds to my life, not because i hate being alone or single. the pain i feel now is a pain of loss, not a pain which is caused by fear of being alone or single. Anyone that enters any relationship through fear of being alone is doomed to failure or unhappiness from the outset, unfortunately, the majority of relationships i see among friends and family are born out of fear of being alone. I totally agree. I have spent most of my life single as well. I also know plenty of people who have never been single and they don't have a clue how to make it on their own. I am also amazed when I see people who divorce and within 5 minutes they are in another relationship. They just can't handle being alone. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Actually, it is far better and less lonely being single than being in dysfunctional relationships. I disagree with the notion that after a break up you have to "swallow your lumps" and tolerate being single because "it is good for you", like bad-tasting cough medicine. Being single shouldn't be looked on as some kind of trial to accept...being single should be looked on as simply another phase in your life that can actually be pleasant and happy. While it does make you stronger...it shouldn't be viewed in such a negative, downer sort of way. There are a lot of pluses to being single...it is not something single people simply tolerate until they the next person comes along or until they have allowed themelves to face the "ickyness" of being single. Link to comment
icarus27 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Absolutely great thread! Link to comment
yankeefan74 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I totally agree. I have spent most of my life single as well. I also know plenty of people who have never been single and they don't have a clue how to make it on their own. I am also amazed when I see people who divorce and within 5 minutes they are in another relationship. They just can't handle being alone. This is my ex described perfectly. Sadly, I still want her back. lol. Link to comment
Andy_2007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 I disagree with the notion that after a break up you have to "swallow your lumps" and tolerate being single because "it is good for you", like bad-tasting cough medicine. Being single shouldn't be looked on as some kind of trial to accept...being single should be looked on as simply another phase in your life that can actually be pleasant and happy. True, but I think you've missed the point of what i was trying to say. My advice was for people who are feeling afraid of being alone and scared of being single. If you don't feel that way then that's great, I feel much the same way. While I do believe it's nicer to be in a relationship on the whole, there are benefits to being single as well, there aren't any black and whites. however, there are a lot of people on this forum who are displaying that fear of being alone and I'm just trying to support them by showing them that they can get through the pain of loss in a positive fashion, which will ultimately make them happier and stronger people. Link to comment
atelis Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 I think, on the whole, being in a relationship is better than being single. Being single can be a drag and it can be lonely...hence I suppose why we find it frightening to be in such a situation. ." i agree, but being in a relationship which is not totally fulfilling is even lonelier than being single IMO. Too many people settle for second best just so they don't have to be alone. what is the point? Link to comment
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