What am I doing wrong?

[justbrowsing]

I feel things have been going downhill w/my bed buddy/casual SO (whatever he is). Several weeks ago I made the decision to end it and walk away. I felt he was becoming too distant and making me feel cheap. Don't get me wrong, I knowingly entered into the relationship. But I was comfortable as long as it was on my terms. I was emotionally ready and I told him my feelings and that it had to end. It felt good.

 

However, he countered saying that he agreed w/me in every way and wanted to work on our communication more. This is where I made the mistake and gave it another chance. The next couple weeks he was very attentive. But each time he would reach out I would be skeptical and sometimes not even respond back. In the back of my mind wondering how long it would last. I would see an email or his #on my phone and I wouldn't be as excited as before. I wonder if he could tell my hesitance.

 

He proceeded to point out that he has made an effort but I haven't. So feeling guilty, I made an effort. Here's the thing, I feel like I am making more of an effort again. Here I am waiting for him. I feel that by deciding to give him another chance that he has the upper hand and controls the pace of the relationship. Am I wrong???

 

I don't like this tug of war w/my emotions. I have been honest w/my feelings. If he volunteers to have more communication and wanting more time together, why haven't I heard from him in almost 3 days?

 

I refuse to call. I am done begging for attention. I think deserve better.

[DN]

Under the circumstances I suspect that he could say the same thing.

 

You asked for more communication and he did - and then you ignored him. Now he is doing the same thing to you.

 

I think it is time that you both started communicating better with each at the same time and keep it up at the same rate as each other.

[justbrowsing]

I was afraid someone would say that.

[DN]

I was afraid someone would say that.

Why is that?

[justbrowsing]

I feel like I'd be giving in if I tried to contact him. Would I look desperate? or should I just keep waiting for him?

[luvs2kayak]

Let's back up for a second. You say you're basically his sex buddy. And that you knew when you entered into it, that this was the arrangement. So, like in many other posts from other women, you start wanting more. Now that he gave you a little more, you want to appear less available.

 

You entered into this relationship knowing what you were getting yourself into. Either take it, or leave it, or ask him for something more.

 

And I hope you've learned something about yourself-- that this kind of casual sex arrangement with no commitment isn't good for you. At least that's what it sounds like.

[Batya33]

Agree with the previous poster - you are trying to treat this like a romantic relationship when he is your sex buddy - it's not like you're trying to build a stronger relationship outside of the bedroom. I should add that if you were casually dating - where each of you could date other people - whether or not you were having sex - I might have a different view because then there would be a purpose to your meeting up outside the physical and thereforee healthy communication would be more important.

 

Be very honest with yourself with what you want here. If it is to continue having fun in bed, then the communication expectations are that he call you or you call him when you want to have intercourse, and that each of you shows up for the planned meeting, and that each of you is honest if you learn that you have an STD. If it is to build a relationship then you need to tell him that so that he can understand where you are coming from and act accordingly (whether that means ending the arrangement or continuing).

[justbrowsing]

I LOOOOVVEEE the women in this forum! Very non- judgemental NOT!

 

Let's back up for a second. You say you're basically his sex buddy. And that you knew when you entered into it, that this was the arrangement. So, like in many other posts from other women, you start wanting more. Now that he gave you a little more, you want to appear less available.

 

You entered into this relationship knowing what you were getting yourself into. Either take it, or leave it, or ask him for something more.

 

And I hope you've learned something about yourself-- that this kind of casual sex arrangement with no commitment isn't good for you. At least that's what it sounds like.

 

It didn't start off w/less and I wanted more, other way around. We started off as more, but mutually decided it wouldn't go further-- DON'T infer. I just don't want us to drift too far apart.

 

I was ready to walk away, HE has pulled me back by offering more.

[justbrowsing]

I am not trying to build a stronger relationship. I just want it back to where it was before. We had other things besides the bedroom that has fallen by the waist. Now all it has become is bedroom. I thought I was honest w/myself by trying to end it???

[DN]

I feel like I'd be giving in if I tried to contact him. Would I look desperate? or should I just keep waiting for him?

Who cares if it looks desperate? If you love him and want him being first to break a deadlock is the sensible thing to do.

 

Then you can work on getting on the same page at the same time and also work to make the relationship what you both want.

[Batya33]

I am not trying to build a stronger relationship. I just want it back to where it was before. We had other things besides the bedroom that has fallen by the waist. Now all it has become is bedroom. I thought I was honest w/myself by trying to end it???

 

OK - I wasn't sure what your arrangement was. You were honest with yourself yes but now things have changed again. It's hard sometimes for people to keep up with change especially since this arrangement was kind of vague to begin with. You need to be very specific with him "I want to have sex with you but I also want to go on dates at least ___ times a week/month where we go out in public and I expect you to call me __ times a week and to return my calls within ___ time."

 

Look, that kind of "speech" wouldn't work for me but neither would keeping things nebulous when sexual intimacy is involved. One of the benefits of a relationship is that often those things above are a given and just need some tweaking once in awhile, but in something more casual where sex is involved it seems easy to fall into just meeting up for sex.

[luvs2kayak]

That "whatever he is" in your first post sounded very cold. The impression I get is that you want things YOUR way, and only YOUR way. Very controlling. I feel sorry for him, but he must be getting something out of it.

[justbrowsing]

That "whatever he is" in your first post sounded very cold. The impression I get is that you want things YOUR way, and only YOUR way. Very controlling. I feel sorry for him, but he must be getting something out of it.

 

 

You're right, that did sound cold. But I can assure you that I am not at all that way in real life. I am not at all controlling, far be it. Maybe that is why I have bottled these feelings up and it is coming out. I may have a personality where I like to feel in control of things, but I am not at all pushy. In fact I am probably a push over.

 

YOU may be the controlling one trying to make me feel bad about myself. This is supposed to be a support/advice forum. None of which you are giving!! If you treat/talk to your daughter the way you treat me, it's no wonder she's rebelling against you (yeah I went there)

[justbrowsing]

Thank you for understanding, I think I'll try something of the sort.

[annie24]

i agree, you have to be clear on what you want. do you want him to be your bf and work on a real relationship together? or do you want to be bed buddies, but you also want a certain number of public dates each month, like batya said? i'd figure out what you are looking for first.

 

FWB often doesn't wind up working out for long periods of time because one person invariably becomes bored or wants more.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, it sounds as though you need a fair degree of distance in relationships. I think this because:

 

a) You went, knowingly, into a non-committed relationship

b) When he reached out to you, you backed off

c) Now he's maintaining the distance, you want to chase him - even if you're not giving in to this.

d) The position you're in now feels as though he has the upper hand. He may or may not feel that - this is your perception.

 

It also sounds as though part of you longs for something deeper. This is a painful conflict for you; the need to be in control (you talk about the relationship being on your terms etc) and the desire for real connection. Problem is, with real connection, by definition we are not trying to control either the relationship or the other person.

 

We generally choose partners who are capable of the same level of intimacy that we are; what seems to be a constant in your relationship is the distance between you, whether it's him that's doing the pursuing, or you.

[luvs2kayak]

and you have a defensive streak, too, with a little cruelty mixed in.

 

i agree with nutbrownhare and others who are telling you to take a closer look at yourself.

[justbrowsing]

nutbrownhare: you hit it on the nose about everything. I admit I'm curious about having more w/him. But I truly know that it would never work out. We are from 2 different worlds and if it progressed to anything more it would ruin things.

 

luvs 2 annoyme: again, you are attacking me. If you don't have anything constructive to say on this thread. PLEASE stop posting...