nick_knock Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Hey guys, First of all, sorry for the long winded message, but i really need some more advice. Well i've managed to find myself another girlfriend, have been trying really hard to get over my trust issues but havent been going to well. My current girlfriend isnt helping the issues either. First of all, i met my current girlfriend on the internet, we chatted for a couple of months. In that time, she was very flirty, would sometimes become quite sexual over the phone and or over MSN which was because i thought she liked me. During that time, i knew she had been with a lot of guys, around roughly 20 - 25 (i say that because she doesnt know) But had never been in a relationship for approx 3 yrs because she apparantely is to scared to. Since we have been together, it's been quite difficult getting any kind of affection from her, she never discusses her feelings towards me.. sometimes it's really quite difficult to even have sex with her. I admit that i have a really bad habit of going through my partners phones when i suspect something is up. Last night, i was having a hard time sleeping. In the past, she has mentioned a few times that she doesnt have anything on her phone worth me worrying about therefore she doesnt delete messages in fear of me reading them. So last night, i read on her phone (a new phone since we have been together) messages from 3 or 4 different guys. Quite flirty and sexual messages saying things like "oh your boyfriend gone now hey, maybe we can play" "hey babe, i miss you it sucks you boyfriend wont let you catch up with your friends, yeah just do it while hes away" "i miss you being so naughty, how about one last pic of you?" and "oh yeah im still being naughty, still with my girl but when she's busy i'll still be playin around.. maybe we can catch up for some fun soon?" and the last one that only happened a couple of days ago which upset me the most was from some random guy she met online who lives in a different state saying "hey, how you doing?" which she replied "yeah going well, got myself a bloke, thinking about settling down soon" Now to me, that sounds really * * * * ty and i still dont understand why she couldnt have said "yeah, met a nice guy.." and left the settling down part out of it. I confronted her about it last night, she got all angry and turned it around on me, making me feel like i'm the one who has done wrong for not trusting her. In saying that, her phone only held 20 sent messages so i was unable to read her replies to most of the messages except the one saying shes thinking about settling down. I will admit that in most of the messages i have read, the random guy has asked about me and asked how things are going with us before the guy starts talking dirty to her. She said to me last night that all of her replies were innocent and werent dirty replies.. i'm not sure if that is true or whether or not she just knows that her phone only holds 20 sent messages so i'd have no way of finding out. I understand and accept that she has been with a lot of guys. I'm really confused as to whether she likes me or not, she certainly doesnt come out and say it very often. I unfortunately told her that i loved her after a month, whilst we were having sex. We do hold hands in public and will kiss in public, we act like a great couple in public and her family and friends like me.. She has introduced me to her whole family at a recent party. We spend most weekends together and it's great. She has asked me to go away on a trip in a months time just to spend time together with her. We have spent a lot of time over the past day organizing it. When we are together we do have a lot of fun and she very rarely gets messages or phone calls from random guys. If she does, she only tells me half of what the sender/caller wanted for instance her ex David sent her a message saying "hey how was the night in the slippery puss-Y , oops i meant slippery fish? Do you have my robby williams dvd" She told me that it was her ex asking for his dvd back and that was all. We have been together just over 2 months now and i'm really worried that i'll just be another notch on the belt and that she's not really ready to settle down and just have one guy. I've asked her to her face and she said that she is.. i really want to believe her and trust her. All her friends seem to like me and are always making comment about how its good she has found a normal guy. I work away from home a lot, so it's quite concerning and it's doing my head in thinking that when she hangs up the phone to me of a night time sayin how tired she is and that she's going to sleep, that she's messaging another guy and flirting with him. The question i have for you all, is a) am i being over protective again and not trusting or b) should i be worried that she is still messaging guys that she had a "thing" with, that she told me she never speaks to anymore and finally c) am i being to paranoid as we have only been together a short time, that feels like a lot longer. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea39 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 i really do not think she is ready for a relationship and i certainly would not put up with my boyfriend sending sexual messages from several people. I understand your trust issues as i have had them and still do to a certain degree but there comes a point in your life where you have to stop with the is she or is he doing the dirty on me. If you have doubts or concerns talk to the person about it and if they respect you enough and really want to be in a commited relationship they will not feel the need to text others in a sexual manner. She sounds rather immature to me. it is one thing having friends of the opposite sex but as i said i would not tolerate the contents of texts she is recieving. If a person cannot give you what you emotionally need, move on as it will end up wrecking your head and yourself being hurt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tina-rocks Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 First I don't see a problem with this quote. "yeah going well, got myself a bloke, thinking about settling down soon" You can't expect people to say and do things the way you think they should. This to me sounds more like a controlling issue. Going through her phone is an invasion of privacy and she should not have to hide or delete text messages because you might read them. It's like a womens handbag. One of those places you simply do not go. Also you can read things into these texts that are not really there. Words can so easily be taken the wrong way by how they are said and in this case typed. Also if she believed these text to be explicit why did she leave them on the phone. Does not sound like she is intentionally or aware she is doing anything wrong. I realise I have not fully gotten your background but understand this insecurity you have stems from whatever has happened with your Ex girlfriend. However, this has now crossed over into your new relationship and unless you do something my feeling is it will destroy it. Sit down and talk with her explaining exactly how you feel. If you are really unhappy with some of the text messages she gets explain why to her. Maybe she can compromise if she wants to. Try telling her you would like to know how she is feeling in terms of your relationship and ask her how she really feels about you. Do it in an upbeat way and she wont feel so scared to talk about it. I really hope you sort everything out. Take care! Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick_knock Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Thanks for your reply. I can see what you mean, but unfortunately i have no way of telling what she had said in her messages except for her word. She told me that she hadnt said anything sexual and was trying to change the subject. One instance, with one of the guys she had mentioned to him that she was moving home and would be knocking on his door when her parents stressed her out. She tells me that she is quite sure that she is over all of these guys and only wants to be with me.. but she still has them as her friend, nothing more, nothing less. She gets quite angry when i ask her questions about her past and about these guys because she thinks i dont trust her. To me, she shouldnt be getting angry, but should just be happy to answer my questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick_knock Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Thanks Tina, that is a great reply. You have obviously read some of my previous posts.. I understand that it is an invasion of privacy and you are correct in saying that i do over think things. It had crossed my mind before, wondering why she wouldn't delete those kind of messages considering she knows that i wouldnt like them. I have tried asking her a couple of times how she feels about me, normally it turns into a joke and i never really get an answer from her. When we had an argument last night, i asked her again how she feels.. she said that she didnt know because we had only been going out for 2 months. Was a very hasty reply as she was angry at me for reading her messages. Funny thing is, she doesnt seem to have any quarms about going through my emails, or messenger logs. Difference is, she doesnt find anything to get upset over. I certainly dont receive sexual emails or messages from ex's or girls ive met in the past. What upsets me more is one of the guys she got a message from has a girlfriend and a baby on the way!! There is no doubt that we are in a relationship.. i'd like to think that it's on the way to being a serious relationship considering she has asked me to go on a week and a bit holiday with her to another country.. but this really throws me back a few steps in my thought train. She has been cheated on a couple of times, by two of the guys she still gets messages from, so she would know how upsetting it is to be cheated on. Not saying she has cheated on me, or ever would. I really am trying hard not to be so insecure and i'm trying really hard not to over think things. I just really need a push in the right direction and the first steps to take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tina-rocks Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 If she is going through your messages she has no right to complain about you going through hers. * * * for tat. I think it's unhealthy for you both. I know it is hard but you must both try to stop doing that as it only serves as an irritant. By stopping this one particular behaviour pattern you have both developed it will give you both some boundaries. It will allow you both to have those chosen parts in life which are yours alone. It simply makes for a better balanced relationship. Does not mean either party are hiding anything from the other. I think this short holiday break will be good for you and maybe it will give you a chance to clear the air. I suspect her feelings toward you are maybe a little frightening for her as she does not want to get hurt. Laughing off your attempts to talk about it is simply a symptom of her being afraid. Tell her the part you just said to me about this ex and the fact he has a baby on the way with his new love. Don't go over the top about it just be casual but say you think he is being inappropriate with his behaviour. Remember though this again is still up to her if she decides she wants to talk with him. Don't push the point too hard if she recoils back off. First step: You must both stop checking each others phones and emails. If you can do this it will really help your relationship. I know you will be OK! Just need to adjust your mindset so you can both be happy open and honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick_knock Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Thanks Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tina-rocks Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Anytime, I know you will be able to sort this out as you are strong of mind and already partly know what needs to be done. Make it count for me OK! Tina x Thanks Tina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick_knock Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 My girlfriend was over last night, and she checked her emails on my computer.. but didnt close the window down. STUPID ME went through them, found all these emails from one of the guys she had been getting messages from.. there were pics of his penis that he sent to her and even videos of him doing things with his penis!!! Not only that, but he was looking at pics of her breasts on his computer screen, which was also in the picture. I asked my g/f previously if she had sent pics of herself to any guys in the past, she said no, only her ex... now i've found another lie. Also, this guy has a g/f.. they were sending very lovey dovey emails to each other, she was saying how much she misses him etc. When ever i ask her how much she misses me, she makes a joke out of it, says that she's not the type of girl that says that kind of thing and moves on to another subject. Bare in mind, these emails were a couple of years ago, she was 23 and met this loser on a contiki tour. It upsets me that she knew the guy had a g/f, still does and they still message each other.. I'll never know what she sends him, i can only hope it's nothing bad. There was also comments from that loser in some of the emails reminding her how she likes to be pleased sexually, and how he can make her orgazime in 2 minutes. This makes me feel so upset because when ever it comes to us having sex, it feels like such hard work doing it with her cause she doesnt seem interested.. when ever she is, she always like to have it the same way the loser guy explained in the email. Then was an email from her to some guy i've not heard of before asking him to come over to her house so they can get naked together and play around. I hate thinking that my girlfriend is a * * * * , but it's really starting to daunt on me that she might be. Thanks in advance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Then was an email from her to some guy i've not heard of before asking him to come over to her house so they can get naked together and play around. thats your que to end it. I cant see any man worth his salt putting up with that sort of stuff in his girlfriend. She's obviously got a character flaw if shes got you for a b/f and is asking other men over for sex. I hate thinking that my girlfriend is a * * * * , but it's really starting to daunt on me that she might be. I think your getting it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick_knock Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Then was an email from her to some guy i've not heard of before asking him to come over to her house so they can get naked together and play around. thats your que to end it. I cant see any man worth his salt putting up with that sort of stuff in his girlfriend. She's obviously got a character flaw if shes got you for a b/f and is asking other men over for sex. I hate thinking that my girlfriend is a * * * * , but it's really starting to daunt on me that she might be. I think your getting it... Sorry, i should have said that these emails were a while ago, a couple months before we met online. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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