How I feel tonight...

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone...

 

It's been a real rollercoaster of emotions this past week since I found out that my ex, who I work with and who reconciled with his previous ex recently, got *married* over the summer. I say *married* because, when I asked him about the ring on his finger, he did NOT say that they were married, only that they had *exchanged rings.* Whatever. Whether it's legal or not, I'm taking it as a marriage and leaving it at that.

 

I have been crying on and off this week -- not for long periods of time -- just for a few minutes at a time, usually a few times a day, and usually when I'm alone (not while I'm with friends or talking to anyone). I am still getting out of the house, still exercising, still hanging out with friends, still getting up in the morning, showering, making myself pretty and going out into the world. My appetite, which was ZERO for about 4-5 days, is back, and I'm sleeping OK. All of this seems a miracle to me, really. I normally handle these things so much worse, take such a significantly more negative attitude. Could it be that I'm accepting this? Or, is it just that I've resigned myself to the fact that things are this way and I can't change them?

 

I will say that I still fiind myself being very, very sad. You see, this is the most significant relationship I've had with a man in...well...EVER. I have dated other guys and had a few relationships, but...I don't have a tremendous amount of relationship experience behind me, and this one just really, really got into my head and heart. Truth be told, he's a mess -- emotions all over the place, arrogant, LOTS of "baggage" -- but...I don't know...there was something about him. I had never felt that kind of connection before. Though we are SO different in SO many ways...there were so many ways in which we connected, so many things he did and said that made me feel amazing -- like I was someone totally different than I'd always thought I was. I know it's bad to base my feelings about myself on what someone else says/thinks, but...wow...this guy made me feel like some sort of goddess, and you have NO idea how much that affected me. I have struggled with self-image issues for most of my life, and while I know now that I am attractive, it took YEARS for me to be able to look in the mirror and like what I saw. When I started dating him, I was just starting to get some confidence, and once we were dating...well...I have never felt bettter about myself than I did then. EVERY single thing I hated about myself before, looks-wise, he made me feel good about, and I NEVER told him what my specific insecurities were. Like, for example, I always hated my skin. I have oily skin, and I feel like the pores on my face are HUGE. One night, we were sitting in my car, and he was touching my face, and he said, "You have beautiful skin." I also have these fine lines under my eyes that I've had for YEARS (since I was in my 20's) -- they're from smiling a lot -- and I always worried they made me look *old*. He told me how nice they were. My weight has been my biggest issue since I was a small child -- I have always been about 20-30 pounds overweight -- and he went on and on about what I great body I have, how feminine it is, how much he liked it. I could go on and on. I know it doesn't matter now, but..when I think of those things, I feel sad.

 

I also feel sad when I think about how, this time LAST year, we were planning to go away for the weekend together to a really romantic place (he eventually cancelled the plans on me). How he insisted on driving me to the doctor after a car accident I'd had (I was fine, but just going for a check-up because I had a bad whiplash), and how he told me how worried he was about me, that he didn't want anything to happen to me. I think of how he used to call me ALL the time, and how his phone used to drop calls all the time, and he'd call me back repeatedly, everytime the call would drop; how he'd text me before I went to bed, or when we'd chat on IM he'd sign off with kisses; how, when were alone together, he would whisper in my ear; how he told me once -- and I remember exactly where we were, the exact date and everything when he said it -- that he could see himself spending his life with me. And now he's spending it with someone else, someone who's broken up with him repeatedly. Someone who trashed on his heart and left him -- how many times over the last decade????? It's just unreal.

 

I'm trying so hard to let this go, really. I just don't understand it all. I have waited SO long to have someone really great in my life. I've worked hard on myself and become the sort of person that I'd want to be with. I want to believe that the last year and a half wasn't a complete waste -- that there was SOME purpose to it -- that he came into my life for a reason, and that he left for a reason too. If I thought there was a good reason, maybe I could make some peace with this. But I can't. It all just seems so WRONG. So unfair. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to hold my head up high when I go to work so that he can't see how I'm hurting (and I think I'm doing a pretty good job -- I sincerely doubt he can tell). But it is SO hard having to hold everything in, to NOT say how I really feel. I have promised myself that I will keep my feelings to myself -- that I will NOT tell him how I feel about him, his *marriage* -- any of it, that it's pointless and that telling him will come to no good.

 

I know I will have days like this. I also know that I can't quit my job, so I need to really work on being strong, limiting my interaction with him, and going about my business not paying attention to what he's doing. I know I'm a strong person, and I know I can do it, but...on nights like these, all I do is wonder why...

 

Sorry folks, for the rambling monologue of melancholy here. I'm usually pretty wordy, but not usually this depressing. Tomorrow is another day. The sun will rise again.

[thejigsup]

I had something like this happen to me. He just loved her more than he did me. It was as simple and painful as that. No matter what she did, he would eventually take her back. Nothing you can do but move on, he ain't coming back and you wouldn't want him anyway.

[Clabs]

Hey Browneyedgirl

 

Aw hun - I know those feelings - WHY?!

 

The thing is though that you admit he was an emotional mess with lots of baggage. The reason he chose to go back into this seemingly unhealthy relationship says that this was all about his issues and nothing whatever to do with you.

 

What does it all mean and what was the purpose? I agree, it is very easy to wonder if you wasted 18 months of your life. But what you did get out of it was to get your confidence back - to look in the mirror and love what you saw. And nothing has changed, has it? You are still beautiful and intelligent and loving and caring and generous.

 

It is very hard when you feel that this was the best relationship you ever had. I was in that place too. But, something wasn't right - right? Otherwise neither of us would be broken up, right?

 

It is ok to have evenings like this one - but remind yourself of all of his issues and what an idiotic choice he made. He let what is likely to be the best thing to ever happen to him slip through his fingers - what a twerp.

 

You will find love and someone special to be in your life once again and when you do, that person will be very lucky indeed. But for now - keep your head up and your shoulders back and lets see some new little lines appear from more of your laughter!

 

Take care darling.

 

Mark

ps - you said the sun would shine again today but it is peeing it down here - fibber!

[browneyedgirl36]

I had something like this happen to me. He just loved her more than he did me. It was as simple and painful as that. No matter what she did, he would eventually take her back. Nothing you can do but move on, he ain't coming back and you wouldn't want him anyway.

 

Thanks. I know in my heart that this is true -- both that he isn't coming back AND that he isn't someone I should want to be with anyway. It's just been one thing after another with him -- first the break-up, then the rollercoaster all last year, then them getting back together, then this *marriage* -- it seems to never let up. I really, really hope this is the last of it.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Mark. I know you're right -- I DID get something out of this: I did get my confidence back (though I admit, it's had its rocky days lately), and I know there are some other things too. Still, it's hard thinking about how long I was single before I met him and thinking that it may be years before I meet anyone else and have that feeling again.

 

And, you're right, something wasn't right. Lots of things weren't right. If they were, he would have never made the choice he made. He would have realized that, instead of going backward, re-visiting the same relationship again and again, it was healthier for him to take a chance, let go, and move forward with me -- away from the past and into the future. But he didn't. He'd rather be in the past, and that's not not a healthy way to live. He seemed very unsure about letting me go until she came back into the picture, he even admitted that he might be making a mistake at one point. Once she re-appeared, though, that was it. That alone should be enough to make me realize just how "stuck" he really is.

 

I will do my best to keep my head up. I think I'm doing a good job, at least in public. At home, when I'm alone, is another matter, I'm afraid. I'm working on it, though. I'm taking good care of myself and trying to keep as busy as possible.

 

I know that I will laugh again, for real, very soon. Don't want those beautiful smile/laugh lines to fade, now do we?

 

I'm sorry it's raining where you are. Indeed, the sun DID come up here this morning, and it's lovely. I'll send a bit your way, just because you are always so kind and helpful. Many thanks for your response. As always, you have really helped me.

[Clabs]

Hun

 

Nice to hear from you again!

 

It is only natural to worry about how long it might take to find someone else - but just because it took a while before doesn't mean it is going to be the same story again - none of us knows what lays ahead for us. My experience is that is when you aren't even looking that someone good comes along.

 

At the end of the day, he made his choice and you need to leave him to get on with it. And it does sound like you are doing the right things to help you move forward. After a while you will get fed up with all this milarkey and whay you are spending so much time thinking about someone who is not even with you.

 

Keep working on those beautiful laugh and smile lines - we DON'T want them to fade!

 

As for sending me some sunshine, I am afraid that failed miserably and right now I an sitting through one of the longest and heaviest downpours I have ever seen over here - it is almost tropical. We need to try something else!

 

Take care darling - you are gonna be fine.

 

Mark