Am I too controlling??

[Heather.epps]

I am 18 years old and my husband of 2 years is 26. WE are a very happy couple. We both have great jobs and we have alot of amazing opputunites. We are doing really good for ourselves. But i believe that I am being too controlling. I wonder if he is really happy? He seems happy but deep down i wonder if he is aggravted with me. I dont want him to be unhappy but something is wrong with my attitude.

 

It all really started a while back when he was smoking and I didnt know about it. He never said he did and then one day I questioned him and he said no his friends smoke so he was just around them. Then one time he was with all of his friends playing poker in our attic and came down with a cigg in his mouth and I called him out on it. He put it behind him and just acted like he didnt know what i was talking about. I grabbed his hand and seen it. I started crying and was upset, we got in a big agruement over it and he said he would stop.

 

Then I found out again he was doing it a few months later bc there was ashes in his car. Another agruement.

 

A few months later, it was now the superbowl and I went to his moms while he was watching it with buddies, I asked his mom when was the last time she seen him smoking. ANd she said umm 2 weeks ago. I was furious and came to where he was and snatched him and caused a scene : (. It was embarrasing for the both of us.

 

That was the last incident. I could find out if i wanted to if he was still doing it but I am afraid he will get fed up and find someone else. He likes to hang out with his younger single friends that smoke pot (he doesnt) and ciggarettes and drink alot. I want him to be able to go and hang out but Ive went with him everytime and sat there bored out of my mind. Just being downright mean and rude to everyone : ( I dont know why I act like this.

 

The only thing I do for myself is go meet up with friends on friday afternoons while he is at his second job for dinner. Its inocent and there isnt anything to worry about. He will call after work and want to go to chilis with guys from work or something. And instantly im furious. I dont know why. I didnt even want him to go and work out with a friend on weekdays. What is wrong with me? Why cant i let him be and have free time? Am i being too controlling? What do i need to do to give him more rope?

[DN]

Well, the first thing is to understand that it isn't that you need to give him more rope but that you have no right to put a rope on him at all.

 

If you don't want to be with someone who smokes that is your right but you don't have a right to 'make' him quit. Particularly not by humiliating him in public.

 

I imagine the reason you don't want him out with his friends is because you don't trust him - and that is an insult to his character.

[Heather.epps]

Well, the first thing is to understand that it isn't that you need to give him more rope but that you have no right to put a rope on him at all.

 

If you don't want to be with someone who smokes that is your right but you don't have a right to 'make' him quit. Particularly not by humiliating him in public.

 

I imagine the reason you don't want him out with his friends is because you don't trust him - and that is an insult to his character.

I can understand that. What do I need to do to change? How can I slowly change without a question of why am i acting so difrent. I want him to love me and I want to be a cool wife if that makes any sense.

[DN]

Do you trust him?

[thedman]

Heather,

 

You're only 18 and you've been married for two years already? Wow. I mean, I got engaged when I was 19; not that I'm doubting your ability to find a life partner at that age, but that is incredibly early for most people nowadays.

 

Concerning your husband smoking, yes he has a problem with it, and yes, you have to get him to drop this thing for your and his benefit. However, it seems like yelling and screaming does nothing but cause resentment in him, and makes it all the more difficult to communicate about it. Try sitting down with him one day and have a calm, rational conversation about his behavior. If he can't quit smoking on his own, tell him to go to a doctor. Support his efforts, even if it might take a few tries for him to drop it. If you see him trying, then he's halfway there already. However, if he will be deceptive and keep hiding his habit from you, then you should go with him to a counselor and sort out his issues.

[Heather.epps]

I guess so

[Heather.epps]

Well i think he may have stopped. I just havent asked or tried to find out.

[DN]

Speaking as a former smoker I can tell you that there is nothing less likely to work than a spouse getting on your case about quitting. It just doesn't work. He has to quit because he wants to not because you want him to.

[Heather.epps]

Speaking as a former smoker I can tell you that there is nothing less likely to work than a spouse getting on your case about quitting. It just doesn't work. He has to quit because he wants to not because you want him to.

Well i think he is done with it now, I havent questioned it. I think that is just where my trust issues started. he once made the comment "I used to wash out my goatee before i came home so you wouldnt know" That really hurt.

[Heather.epps]

So people help me! What can i do to change? I dont want to be controlling.

[DN]

Well separate the smoking issue from anything else. Lying to you over that would stem from embarrassment for one thing and not wanting an argument for another.

 

But resenting the time he spends with his friends is something else entirely. Why do yo think that is? Is it that you think he will hook-up with another woman or that you just resent any time spent a way from you?

 

Do you have friends you spend time with alone?

[Heather.epps]

Well separate the smoking issue from anything else. Lying to you over that would stem from embarrassment for one thing and not wanting an argument for another.

 

But resenting the time he spends with his friends is something else entirely. Why do yo think that is? Is it that you think he will hook-up with another woman or that you just resent any time spent a way from you?

 

Do you have friends you spend time with alone?

Well i think its time away from me. I guess maybe i am jealous that he is having fun. I may be worried he will smoke. I just go to eat with a friend on fridays. I go to my families house alot. I am just not into clubs yet or anything. And i dont want him to worry about me like i do him. But he doesnt care what I do really or where i go. I guess ive never done anything to deserve question.

[DN]

Has he ever done anything to make you question his fidelity?

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

I have to say part of the problem I think is your age. You are so young at 18 and I agree with the other post to be married already 2 years is astounding and not so common these days.

 

I am guessing you love him which is why you are here seeking advice on how to change which I think is commendable.

 

Whether you husband smokes or not you have to let him have his freedom too. If you stifle him it could lead to future problems with your marriage which in tern could destroy it.

 

I suspect he did not tell you he was smoking for fear of your reaction. He was right I think. I'm not saying concealing from each other is at all good but as you admit yourself it's a problem you have it needs to be addressed full on to prevent this spilling over into other parts of your life.

 

I would strongly suggest you explain to your husband that you understand you have an issue with control so at least he knows you are aware of the problem.

 

Next seek some council as they may be able to get to the route of the problem. There is a reason you are behaving this way and if they find this you can then tackle the symptom (control)

 

Good luck with everything and hope you work things out.

 

You were brave to admit this. First sign of recovery.

 

Tina

[Heather.epps]

No not at all. I think I am insecure about it though. Because I am very young and havent really grown into what I will look like in my 20's. So other women his age are just pretty and are able to party and do whatever. Me, I work in accounting, I do our bills, I control the money and figure out our fincial stuff. So i dont have time to really let loose. I am a worry wart.

[Heather.epps]

Thank you for your post. I am not the average girl my age and I am unique in my marriage but it works for us. I really think the route of the problem was the smoking and maybe i feel overwhelmed with all the stuff i am juggling. I just want to let him do stuff too.

[Heather.epps]

Well the good news is. My husband called after work and asked could he go to chilis. I said yes with no hesitation. He just called and is on his way home. I told him I found a blog with great people and good respones, I also told him I knew i had a control problem and to be patient and I will fix it

[Pappers]

You can get married at 16?? wow.

 

Um, ok first - I think you are probably not being 'too controlling', rather you are just growing up! [/i] He is already a man, and you're just becoming a woman. I think that if you realize that you and him are two separate people, you will find yourself in a more comfortable (and less controlling) attitude.

 

Realize that you are your own person, as he is himself. If he wants to smoke, that's his choice. If he wants to buy a shirt, he can do that. If he wants to eat 3 plates of spaghetti, or listen to a type of music, that is just him being him. Realize you have the same freedoms as well.

 

Take a breather and just chill out. You are married... that has a lot of security. Take some more time to yourself and your own friends! He is not your whole world and should never be! Then I think you will find yourself less inclined to pick at him. No one likes a nagging wife.

[annie24]

Speaking as a former smoker I can tell you that there is nothing less likely to work than a spouse getting on your case about quitting. It just doesn't work. He has to quit because he wants to not because you want him to.

 

yes, i agree. it is an addiction, pure and simple. him not being able to quit doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. the tobacco companies put all sorts of addictive chemicals in their cigarettes, making it nearly impossible for you to stop smoking. have you ever seen a person who is freaking out because they NEED a cigarette? i sure have seen it on long flights, where a smoker has to go 14 hours without smoking, they are usually climbing the walls. it's a chemical addiction, one that can't just go away really easily. more than anything else HE has to WANT to quit, 1000%.

 

i'd try to be more supportive and loving towards him. if he asks you for help, try to help him. tell him that you love him and want him to stop for his health, but scenes don't help matters at all.

[Heather.epps]

Do you think all this will pass as i grow older? I dont want to be a nagging wife and thats what I am. So i just need to let him be him, no matter how much i hate his music or his friends. Thats really good advice. I can be me without him. At the end of the day we can sacrfice somethings for sake of each other.

[Pappers]

I told him I found a blog with great people and good respones, I also told him I knew i had a control problem and to be patient and I will fix it

 

Err... some things are best left unsaid. Don't plant any seeds of doubt in his mind. Just take care of you.

[tina-rocks]

Thats excellent news. I'm really happy for you.

 

Go enjoy yourself.

 

Tina x

 

 

 

Well the good news is. My husband called after work and asked could he go to chilis. I said yes with no hesitation. He just called and is on his way home. I told him I found a blog with great people and good respones, I also told him I knew i had a control problem and to be patient and I will fix it

[sharsachan]

Err... some things are best left unsaid. Don't plant any seeds of doubt in his mind. Just take care of you.

 

 

i'm confused about how that will plant doubt?

[FreedomRing]

i'm confused about how that will plant doubt?

 

Because it's not as if he came to her first and mentioned her controlling ways...this is all the OP's insecurities and fear that he may be feeling this way. Perhaps bringing it up to him, when he may not be feeling that she is indeed controlling him, might propell him to begin thinking she is, and paying more attention to her behaviors...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is really common for younger people to have trouble with boundaries and feel they need to 'meld' and be involved in every detail of their partner's lives. they haven't learned themselves how to be fully independent and confident, and that spills over into relationships.

 

For example, on the smoking, you can't MAKE him stop, but you can set certain boundaries. You can make it very clear that you don't want him to have the health problems he does, nor be affected by his second hand smoke. So make it very clear you want him to quit, but start with just that you don't want him to ever smoke in the house or car because that directly impacts you.

 

I had an ex who smoked and i told him he couldn't smoke in my house (i'm allergic to smoke). He quit smoking after he got sick of standing outside the house freezing his behind off and standing outside in his pajamas first thing in the morning. But once he had quit, he thanked me for helping him do it, and in fact became a health nut and started jogging.

 

I've also dated someone who had a drinking problem, and i told him that i wouldn't live with someone who drank too much. He wanted to live with me enough that he quit drinking.

 

So you decide what your limits are personally, and tell him what you'll accept, letting it be his choice as to what he does outside your own boundary.

 

Re: the going out with friends etc., that is something to negotiate. So you need to shift from controlling to negotiating. Sit him down once a week to talk about any friction you feel, and rather than going into the blaming/controlling mode, go into negotiating, as in, X really upsets me, what can we both do to come to a compromise. Then you go back and forth until you have something reasonable you can both live with.

 

For example, perhaps he needs one night a week out with his buddies. Just decide that that is OK and something he needs to be happy, and then forget it and go do something else you like to do on his night out... see friends, go shopping, get your hair done, anything that relaxes you.

 

So recognize that as an adult life is about negotiating not controllng, and you will feel more powerful and in control when you realize that you can negotiate your way thru most problems, and build a stronger marriage because you both feel like you have voices and work things out without fighting about them.

 

It might help to set up a half hour once a week to talk about any friction you have, and the rest of the week don't try to control him at all, just wait until your weekly talk time, then discuss it calmly with him then to try to negotiate what you need from him. So you don't have free floating anxiety all week, just save it for that time, and relax the rest of the week.