Sealing our fate as a couple? Help :0)

[elizmdavis]

My guy is preparing for med school. I have mentioned before that he wants me to marry him and be there for him while he is in med school. I've never pictured anyone in med school to be married, but I guess it happens! I have personal reservations about it, mostly due to the fact that I am unsure about what I will be getting myself in to. Med school is a huge commitment for a short period of time: I will never see him, I will be paying all the bills on a teacher's salary, and will he have any energy for us - the other commitment? Lot's to consider.

 

Today, on a whim, I asked him if he wanted to take a 1 day excursion...nothing big. He wasn't up to it, and yes I was a bit dissappointed...only because I hardly ever ask anything of him. All I ever hear is "No". He could tell I was upset, so he said "Yunno, this is how it is gonna be while I am in med school..I can't do anything for a long time....are you prepared for that?" This upset me because I felt like he was sealing our fate...our life together was gonna be whatever he made it to be and that would have to be O.K. He kept saying "This is how I live life, I am a home-body, I don't need outside stuff for entertainment...if you don't like it then it won't work for us!" Wow. He isn't even close to med school yet and he is already acting like he has no life.

 

Whenever talks about our future come up, he says things like "Is this how it is gonna be?" "This is how it might be so you'll have to live with it" "I live my life like this so deal witd it..." ect. What does that sound like to you all? It sounds to me like he is unwilling to compromise with what I enjoy in life because he is so focused on his own.

 

I am in a place where I love this guy, but I am not sure I want to marry him anymore. He is emotionally there for me now, but how "there" for me can he be with med school on his plate (amongst his family pressures that I don't even want to get in to). Why does our fate as a couple have to come out of what is in his head only and not out of our hearts together?

 

Today he also said "I haven't asked you to marry me yet because I am unsure of your dedication to our future" i was really sad about this because he has aways told me that he hasn't asked me due to money...what is the next excuse? I have put my all into this relationship...to much of it in fact because al lI get back is "no's".

 

Any words are appreciated. Thank you!

[SapphireNoir10]

I think you guys need to sit down and talk about what you both want, and how to compromise.

 

Good luck hun, I hope it all works out. Just be honest and get out of him what it is he wants.

 

'Im not sure about your dedication to out future' Is sort of a way of saying 'Hey your not doing what I want thereforee i wont marry you'

[Roasted Carrots]

I definetly think he's setting it up so that things are run HIS way and HIS way only in the marriage, med school or not.

 

It's definetly possible to be married and in med school, my cousin and his new bride are doing it. But it really concerns me that he has this "my way or the highway", "i'm never going to change so deal or leave" attitude.

 

I think those attitudes are WAY different then, say, "I'll be really busy in med school so I need you to support me, but I'll still try to be the best husband I can be, and after med school things will be different."

 

I think you are right to have reservations. Don't marry this guy, unless his attitude changes. I would also suggest a real heart to heart convo. But I think you already know the answer.

[elizmdavis]

I have tried having heart-to-heart convo's with him...tried to today...that is why I am still frustrated. ENA is helpful during times like this.

 

I even told him that I feel as though he is being controlling with our future and it didn't seem to phase him.

[SapphireNoir10]

Well what do you truly want? To marry him? Or are you not sure your ready?

[elizmdavis]

I definetly think he's setting it up so that things are run HIS way and HIS way only in the marriage, med school or not.

 

This is what I am getting from all of it...he is controlling our fate. Thank you both for validating my reservations. It's nice to know that what I am feeling is O.K.

 

Any more opinions from anyone would be great...I am just trying to find some solice.

[elizmdavis]

Well what do you truly want? To marry him? Or are you not sure your ready?

 

He and I get along well...we have been going strong for 3 years. I thought I wanted to marry him. We were gung-ho about it in the beginning...but so much on his part has set us back that it has hurt me. (like when I posted how he said "I haven't asked you because I am unsure of your dedication" when before that it was about money).

 

I am not sure that I am ready anymore. It just doesn't seem like fun to me anymore. This is actually making me tear up because I have always wanted to marry (ONE TIME ONLY) and have a family. If I did this with my bf...we'd be married but the family thing would have to wait forever! HE always says "No kids until 30, right babe?" It breaks my heart when I agree with him. It is all just another way that he is controlling our fate, or my fate, yes?

[SapphireNoir10]

It is your fate and only you can choose what path to take. Its not fair for him alone to decide when you want children. He does sound fairly controlling like hes mapped his whole life out and your part of it but on his terms.

 

The fact you are now questioning marriage to him shows there are some relationship issues you need to work on before even considering it properly.

 

If you dont want to wait to have kids you shouldnt have too, you should be able to reach a compromise with him as its your life too.

 

You sound very dedicated, commited to your boyfriend and sound like you really love him. He needs to show you hes serious about marriage and isnt going to keep changing his reasons/mind. Perhaps you should leave marriage and work on the other issues you have with his life plan?

 

HAve you tried couples counselling? Or you COULD write it all in a letter and ask him to read it.

[fragmint]

i would just move on. it might seem odd to you to think of a medical student being married but it happens a lot, but it also comes with a lot of break ups/divorce cause of it. he wants you to be there to be support him, but that just means you'll be there as 'backup' because he is clearly putting everything else before you on the list and asking you to sit back and 'deal with it'.

 

he thinks you arent dedicated but honestly - why would you be dedicated to a life where you dont get what you want, a relationship that promises not a lot of time spent with this guy, and an attitude that you should just 'deal' with this crappy prospect of a relationship? what has he offered to you in terms of the relationship in the future? that he'll keep saying no and deal with it when you ask things? no thanks.