Myspace/classmates and my husband should I worry?

[sarah1971]

Last summer my husband(then fiance) joined MySpace so he could post some photos for family down south(my idea). His page was very basic for about 2 weeks then all of a sudden he took a intrest in it and posted music,background,info really pimped his page up. Since I helped him set up his page I had his password(think he forgot I had it) and looked at his private msgs. Well right around the time he spiced up his page a old GF contacted him. She was still single and I could tell she was flirting and feeling he out. My husband did not say anything bad BUT she asked to be in his friends list and he keep putting her off(if she was in his friends list I would know hes talking to her). Plus this went on for about 1 week and he never told me she contacted him. I should have just "watched and waited" but I did not and asked him about it.

 

When I told him I knew she contacted him he just played it of as no big deal. But as soon as I left the room he went right to his account and deleted his profile. If it was not a big deal what was his hurry to delet his profile?

[SapphireNoir10]

Ask him why he did that.

 

Only you know if hes trustworthy or not.

[DN]

So she doesn't contact him again I would imagine.

 

If he put her off it doesn't seem you have anything to worry about.

[Seraphim]

He did it because he wants no further contact with her and wants to be with you, otherwise he would change the password and keep on as he did.

[Love_Music]

ok...

 

either he has something up his sleeve and he doesn't want you to find out through Myspace

 

OR

 

he deleted it because he saw that it upset you and because of the situation with the ex

[enlightenme]

I think he deleted it to show you that she means nothing to him. He wanted to show his loyalty. And it is a slippery slope to look at messages. I did it once myself, my bf was being hit on by a drag queen and she kept pressing for a meeting. I found it as she was waiting for a response of when to meet up from him. Yeah, it was a huge fight after that needless to say...as the whole scenario was mind-boggling to me.

 

I am using that example of what happened to me to show you perspective. Friends requests are normal chit-chat. Now if they were arranging a meeting you should be upset. I think your husband is an ok guy, or he would have been responding and starting more. Deleting the profile was a dramatic way for him to show you that it means nothing to him and now she can't contact him anymore. I say don't worry.

[lostandhurt]

Time to sit down and talk. You do not want this hanging over your marriage. If she knew he was married why even try. Some people I swear! You can't be with him all the time and he can't be with you. If you loose the trust in your marriage it will cause tons of other problems. Every little innocent thing will look bad. Work it out, that is what marriage is all about.

 

lost

[DN]

I believe that there are some things best left unsaid and this is one of them.

 

No matter how you bring it up it will look as if you don't trust him.

 

Not trusting a partner means that you think so little of their character that they are potentially a liar and a cheat.

[Day_Walker]

Given your reaction I can see why he would keep something like this from you. You want to go on a fishing expedition but unless he is doing more than having an old gf contact him on myspace, you need to drop this and leave it alone. I would say that he went above and beyond what the situation required by deleting his page.

[loulee]

You are screaming at me that you have trust issues.. These are stemming from you not your husband.. I think he has deleted his profile more in anger and is probably dispappointed in you as he would be very aware of your insecurities and is being exterme to the point of saying So now what are you going to suspect me of there is nothing left on my pc......What were you doing going through his Private messages anyway to Start with..and your regret in not "waiting and watching ""as you say was really about seeing if there was more to it or you may have discovered something AS YOU already dont trust him like perhaps you should.. maybe you need to have a honest look at this.

[D_Lish]

I should have just "watched and waited" but I did not and asked him about it.

 

Kudos to you. In confronting him, you stopped it in it's tracks and found out just in time.

 

While your H was fighting his ex off, she could easily have been the 'persistent' sort who would never have left him alone and who knows where it may have led too.

 

Best to catch this kind of thing in the 'early days' which you did, thankfully.

[DN]

Kudos to you. In confronting him, you stopped it in it's tracks and found out just in time.

 

While your H was fighting his ex off, she could easily have been the 'persistent' sort who would never have left him alone and who knows where it may have led too.

 

Best to catch this kind of thing in the 'early days' which you did, thankfully.

Are you suggesting that if the OP hadn't confronted it and 'stopped it just in time' that her husband would have cheated on her?

 

If she believes that then she should leave him now - because next time she may not be able to stop him.

[Seraphim]

I think people would be best not digging into each other's emails and IM's and PM's etc. Remember the old adage if you eavesdrop you never hear anything good about yourself. Well it is 21 st century eavesdropping and people seem to think this is ok. Think about this policy if he ever goes through your purse. Even when people are married private space should be allowable, people have a right to that even when married. If my husband went through my purse and my email and cell phone etc I would be livid. I also do not go through his wallet or his cell phone. TRUST is the issue here, if you LOOK for bad things and expect to find them you will even if you have to make it up yourself.

[D_Lish]

Are you suggesting that if the OP hadn't confronted it and 'stopped it just in time' that her husband would have cheated on her?

 

While there were signs that her husband wasn't cheating on her when she checked his Myspace, who knows where a continued contact with this other woman, his ex, would have led.... that is what I was saying. I wasn't saying it would have definitley lead anywhere, I was saying that there was a possibility it might have done eventually and if gone, unchecked.

 

Alot of people who go on to cheat, don't and never have intention of cheating and an affair is the last thing they are looking for. Affairs can start, in the most 'innocent' ways, often do and between two people who wern't looking and who were simply 'friends'...

 

She caught this communication going on between her H and his ex, in its 'early stage' and before it had chance to go any further, if it was going too that is. Her husband may well have started to ignore his ex, not add her to his friends, gone on to block her even.... but then he may not have ignored her and gone on to add her to his friends and communicated with his ex further...nobody knows for sure.

 

I guess that what I am saying is, it's best to take no chances and in situations like this. I've heard way too many stories in regard to people who have had exs return online....and they can and have lead to affairs and divorce. That isn't saying however, that they all will....

Had an ex return myself, it didn't lead anywhere other than an exchanged handful of emails.

[D_Lish]

I think people would be best not digging into each other's emails and IM's and PM's etc. Remember the old adage if you eavesdrop you never hear anything good about yourself. Well it is 21 st century eavesdropping and people seem to think this is ok. Think about this policy if he ever goes through your purse. Even when people are married private space should be allowable, people have a right to that even when married. If my husband went through my purse and my email and cell phone etc I would be livid. I also do not go through his wallet or his cell phone. TRUST is the issue here, if you LOOK for bad things and expect to find them you will even if you have to make it up yourself.

 

Well IMO and if a partner has absolutely nothing to hide....they won't mind the fact that you have their passwords to their different online accounts, they won't mind the fact that they want to check their inbox, their phone, etc, etc...infact they wouldn't have separate email accounts, etc,...they would have a shared email account with their partner...

 

My ex Husband was having an affair and a lot of his communicating with his other woman, was done via his mobile phone and his affair had been going on for months. If I had checked his phone in the early days....then this affair they had going on, wouldn't have had chance to 'flourish' and become the 'full blown' affair that it did....I could have stopped it, in its tracks!!!

In fact I could have probably saved my marriage.....had I caught this affair in it's 'early days'.....but because I respected his private space, it was allowed to 'flourish'.....

 

And a lot of people have caught their partners out in affairs, because they snooped! If we suspect that something isn't right/our partners may be cheating....then we have every right to snoop. In my case, I didn't suspect....caught him out in his affair, simply because I had no credit on my phone and picked up his to send a message and voila,,,,,hundreds of messages were found from his 'other woman'....

 

And if the OP hadn't checked her H's account.....like I say, who knows where it may have led...

[DN]

If you think that you partner might cheat if you don't keep them on a short leash and check up on their activities - that is essentially saying that you believe them so deficient in character that they could be a liar and a cheat.

 

If you believe that then you shouldn't be with them in the first place.

[sarah1971]

I guess I forgot to mention his "past" with this old GF. She has been in and out of his life for the last 20 yrs+. The most recent time my husband cheated on his last wife with this old GF and ended up leaving his wife for her. Plus I had my "suspicions" he was still somehow involved with her when we 1st started dating(not answering his phone around me,working "late" and not answering my calls,finding love notes in his work bag) but never had any real evidence.

 

Then this spring he signed up for classmates and really decked out his page. The weird thing is there were NO photos or even any mention of me. He even had a photo of our cat!! Now add the fact this old GF also when to the same high school.

 

Yes I agree its wrong to snoop but I just don't want to be blind sided like his 1st wife was.

[D_Lish]

If you think that you partner might cheat if you don't keep them on a short leash and check up on their activities - that is essentially saying that you believe them so deficient in character that they could be a liar and a cheat.

 

Even if we totally trust them and don't think they will cheat....some of them do and will and technology is a popular method these days used to cheat and enables a partner to cheat and go unnoticed....

 

I trusted my partner completely and he was allowed all the freedom in the world and was never kept on a 'short leash' or under 'house arrest'....hence is why, he'd met this other woman on a night at the pub with his friends and via technology, this affair 'flourished'....

 

Nobody knows if their partner is ever going to cheat and down the line....despite the fact that here and now, we may trust them completely and despite they may have given us, every reason to trust them.

 

Nothing in life is ever certain....except for death and taxes.

 

If you believe that then you shouldn't be with them in the first place.

 

Well I'd agree with if you don't trust them, then you shouldn't be with them.

I trust, until I'm given good enough cause or reason, to be suspicious.

 

If I became suspicious in my current or any future relationship, then yes I would ask to see his email accounts/phone records....

And if they had nothing to hide, they would be produced....

As I would produce info, if I had nothing to hide.

[DN]

I think that is a very sad and stress-inducing way to live your life.

[D_Lish]

I think that is a very sad and stress-inducing way to live your life.

 

So if you suspected your other half may be cheating, you wouldn't check?

[DN]

Of course, if my suspicions were well-founded. But not in the circumstances as described by the OP.

 

The is a difference between responding to a suspicion based on some sort of good evidence and acting on preemptive suspicion.

[D_Lish]

Of course, if my suspicions were well-founded. But not in the circumstances as described by the OP.

 

The is a difference between responding to a suspicion based on some sort of good evidence and acting on preemptive suspicion.

 

I think it's a case of she has never trusted him basically. She said that even in the early days, she suspected him of cheating with this ex and because he cheated on and left his first wife for this ex/she found love notes from his ex, while she was dating him, but had no solid proof...

 

She's snooped and because she doesn't trust him and never has...

 

Personally this is a man I would have avoided like the plague, had I been in OP's shoes. Too many 'red flags' and in the early days...doubt I'd have gone on to marry him. Wouldn't marry any man, I couldn't trust.