What is wrong with me

[trutru]

Ok, I feel a prat for writing this on hear and if any of my friends see it I will feel even more shamed.. But part of me wants to share it in hope I will no longer feel so alone.

 

I have not long came back from my run and like most of my running with end with me crying,The same with when I am training in street fighting.. I will cry.. the same with sex.. I will cry after it...AND THE TRUTH IS I KNOW WHY I FEEL SO WORTHLESS. How can I know what love is when I have never felt love from my mother or father..

 

 

Not once did my dad hold me, tell me he loves me instead all I got was "you are the devils child... or they would say, when I was born they wanted to push me back. If I painted anything it was crap.. if I sang it was crap, And when I got older It was what are you dressed in that for you look like a tart.. you are a tart.

 

My sister was the one who go Birthday parties.. Me I just wached..I was the one who sat in a hospital after cutting my wrists after my uncle abused me and my dad telling me I should have taken pills to do the job. My sister was the one who go flowers and mum and dad getting her of the plain on her wedding day..I got a wedding where mom just waved to me saying have a nice time.. I was the one who had to ask people to come and see us off haha.. I mean come on..

 

 

My dad would always hit me not my sister, my mother would not hit me but she would with her words..

 

You have always been worthless, stupid, you are not normal that was a new one my mother said only last week..

When she called me just to say, did you get in the police... do you think you are going to high.. She then said .. you are not normal you are in the Royal Marines.. women your age .. a mother.. a wife.. your not normal.. your a bad mother for leaving your children every weekend.

 

Then she gives me the old on.. your father would never LET me get away with half what you do.. she even said going to the gym is bad.. I should stay in and clean my house. hahahaha she had a fit when she found out I went to a lap dancing club with the army lads and I went to a gay club..ohhhh gay club.. what a bad person I am.. the true fact is my Best friend is a gay man and I love being around men who do not come on me ..

 

but NO she needs to turn everything around.. and just cus I went to a lap dancing club does that make me gay... nooo I was that drunk me and the lads were sleeping in a chair looking like kids who had over loaded on Suger, crisps and Ice cream.. in our case wine, wine and wine..

 

I try to be such a positive person but truly I feel like I am being pulled down to the person my mother and farther even sister want to see.. worthless!!

 

For instance mother wants me to go sunday lunch .. I so do not and will take rather a larg glass of wine.. one of those you can get the full red in..sit alone and hide like I always do.. see when I go to my mothers my sister will go and before I enter house my mother will do this.. Pull me aside and say Do not talk about your work, do not drink and do not play fight with your brother and the dog.. Do not go up stairs its not your house and do not what ever you do TALK..

hehe its true it is its not funny but I have to smile at it...

 

I go in to the house and this is what I get.. dad in his chair.. I mean his chair.. reading his book he will grunt... no smile no hello just a grunt.. then my sister will sit on sofa and will look me up and down like I am nothing..at this point I am ready to jump on her sit on her face and FART on it.. but I would not, I am a lady so I smile walk past,go in to kitchen ask mother "do you need a hand mother" where is the wine and then I hide and no one talks to me no one smiles. Why is this..

 

 

I will sum my family up ..when I was 10 I found out my mother was raped by my god father who then told me I was his child. The one who raped my mother." so hear it comes out. My dad can not look at me never mind hold my hand or go by me.. when I was 14 I ran away from home due to my uncle abusing me..for years,!!! I told my father who told me he will kill him, then I see them both going out for drinks, I told my mum and she said this. Do not tell me I will kill him UMMM HELLOOOO..Nothing I mean nothing changed he did it over and over again until I leged it.

 

When I was 15 homless, I begged mother to take me home due to the fact of men wanting wanting to prositute me.. I never allowed this, in the end I hid in a car liveing off asking god to help me.

 

I then found my self raped and beated up to the point my eye came out... Its ok.. Im fine now I am a fighter.. but what hurts is the only person who helped me after calling my dad who said he did not care was some one Army.

 

My mother came to my flat where I was hideing out in, where I was sleeping on the floor,,eating out of tins due to being under age to work and liveing off had outs... but my father just looked at me and walked out saying to my mum come on leave her.. you know I never asked him to come.. I was sleeping for days after the rape. my body my mind was in no mans land .. no one came to help me. And yes this effected me so much due to the fact I would never and could never just walk past someone who needed help I was 16 just gone...In the end a police man took me in and helped me, fed me and gave me a bed.

 

Again I was raped at the age of 27 but this time I can not talk about it...apart from it was a date rape. . I called my mother the day after screaming to help me she came around and guess what she did to me.. she hit me.. I am looking at my life even with my husband , he should look at me and talk to me instead of coming in from work.. lap top in his face d in his lap.. no talking and if I do talk yu get the feeling with in seconds..you are talking to your self and this is true I am. I get to the point I do not talk, its stealing my confidence, My mother tells me not to talk, my dad just does not talk to me and my husband just thinks I am boring...

 

I just do not know what to do with this pain. I do not feel me anymore...most the time I feel ugly and can not do anything right.. sometime I do not even want to talk to any one just incase I open my mouth and they soon see I am broken .. I am trying so hard to be strong but I am broken and I do not have anything to pull out the bag.. nothing to give..I can not sleep since the rape due to bad dreams but my dreams are worse now.. I can not smile due to this hole in me.. its like an hole thats makeing me feel like I can not smile... I would run away but then how can you run away from your self ... I just do not know whats going on with me . ..

[DN]

Welcome to eNotlAlone.

 

It wasn't your fault - any of it.

 

You are not worthless.

 

You are a good and useful person who has a lot to offer people. The problem is that you are offering it to the wrong people.

 

So stop doing that.

 

Toxic people should be cut out of your life. And that applies just as much, if not more so, to family.

 

You say you have friends - they are the people you should rely on.

 

How is your marriage and how are you with your children?

[Seraphim]

Your story really moves me and speaks to my heart. I am so sorry all this happened to you. I really think that you should just not bother communicating with your parents. I mean are you getting anything out of it??? I think that therapy would go a long way to healing your heart and spirit and you can get that by going to talk to your doctor. I think you said you were a mom, yes? It can only help you with your kids too. Do not let your parents define what kind of parent you are when they failed in a DISGUSTING manner for which they should have been jailed for. I would not normally recommend cutting out ones parents, but in this case for your sanity and for your good health, I would say to cut them out. Their behavoir was criminal and abhorent. Do not allow them to victimize you anymore. I was sexually abused and otherwise abused as a child and I know some of your pain. I will tell you something I wrote that helped me, The past can not hurt me.It just is. I do not know the future I can only live today. I am not my victim. I am not your victim. My body and mind are the two things that belong entirely to me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe I will share it. Good luck and God Bless you, you can PM me anytime.

[dogwood]

Wooow trutru, that is quite the life you've led. If I could give you a hug I would It sounds like you've been surrounded by a lot of really messed up people. I cannot say I can relate fully because I have not had as many bad things happen to me, but this summer I kind of fell apart after a breakup, starting drinking, partying, cutting, having sex with whoever, and was raped once in the midst of all this.

 

so i kind of brought myself down to zero too.. and my friends were not there for me like i thought they would be. what we need to do in these situations is go to the people who DO love us. don't try to change your mum and dad.. who sound ridiculously abusive and painful to be around. I know it hurts that they treat you that way, but it will hurt you less if you spend time away from them. I'm not sure how things are with you and your husband, but if he is not treating you the way you deserve you may have to look at that too.

 

I know how you feel.. feeling alone and in pain and feeling like nobody is there for you is the worst feeling in the world. but i'm sure you have a friend or two you can call and talk to. you need people to love you now more than anything.. i'm not sure how i come aross to confident when i feel sorta the same.. lol.. but i know the more we run from ourselves the more we hurt ourselves..

 

best of luck.. you can always pm me if just want to chat

[Love_Music]

Wow....im sorry about what has happened in your life...terribly sorry...if there was anything i could do to help, i would...but have you ever tried counseling? I seriously doubt you are as bad as your parents think you are honey...don't EVER let someone make you feel that you are nothing and that you are "bad and wrong" for going to the gym or anything like that....you are NOT a bad person for that....trust me.....I have never been in this type of situation, but i will still give you my advice on this...I think that if I were in this situation, and my parents were this bad to me and made me feel like crap on a regular basis, I would tell them straight how how they made me feel, and if they didn't change it, I wouldn't talk them again....not until they changed their behavior....you do not need that...i don't care if they are your parents, you don't need someone to beat you down constantly about yourself...and what is the deal with your husband? You said he thinks your boring? It may not be that he thinks you're boring...it could be he senses the way you feel about yourself, and so he stays on his laptop all the time...have you tried talking to him about it?

[Seraphim]

I think that the crying is part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.....I had it too.

[Whiskers]

You wouldn't be running away if you cut them all out of your life and looked after only yourself.

Just because they are related to you in some way, it does not really make them family...in my book a parent has to earn the title.

Any woman can be a mother but not every one can be a mum.

 

However, you can have better. You deserve better and it's time you started taking that all in.

 

Go to counselling, talk it out and start afresh.

 

If you parents like your sister that much then let them have her. She has no right to look down her nose at you and you should start looking in the mirror and start realising that you are not worthless.

 

With help and support you can have anything you want and you should stop settling...reach higher.

 

You got this far, you can get further.

 

XXXX

[trutru]

Thank you for your kind words.

I will never let my past, come into my life with my children. I make sure my children have the best of me. I think it is unreal of ME to think life is going to be ok when you have been thu what I have.

I have learned to take days and live with the pain and deal with the pain.. I have only once been to a doctor and will not again.

 

I feel now I have found this site its so good to read about other people who are hurting , I am not alone and this is the turning point for me..but for sitting down with a doctor who is looking at the clock and in many cases waiting for her other client who will be paying £45 hr to tell her problems, then no thank you no way.

 

Us army people are funny about Doctors lol.. I remmeber when I went to see a doctor about the rape. heheeh she was talking more about my mother than the RAPE..the true fact stood.. I was seeing her over the rape..and she was trying to open doors that needed to be closed.. I just had my heart riped out and she was trying to bring more pain to the top. I feel at the end of the day its never going to be easy when someone hurts you.. its going to be a fight talking about it with friends will not help.. and the reason I feel this is when you have been thu pain you are sensitive to rejection.. and when you have lost self worth you stop talking.

 

peopel let us down simply cus they are people... so our hope is not in people to make one better its in our self and the way we shall deal with it... and if we going to stop fighting it or keep going..

 

sites like this are a god send and I feel so happy that I can come and talk to people like you who are lovely and caring and may I say one on her own.. with a heart of gold.. so thank you form a Royal Marine girl ;]