trutru Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Ok, I feel a prat for writing this on hear and if any of my friends see it I will feel even more shamed.. But part of me wants to share it in hope I will no longer feel so alone. I have not long came back from my run and like most of my running with end with me crying,The same with when I am training in street fighting.. I will cry.. the same with sex.. I will cry after it...AND THE TRUTH IS I KNOW WHY I FEEL SO WORTHLESS. How can I know what love is when I have never felt love from my mother or father.. Not once did my dad hold me, tell me he loves me instead all I got was "you are the devils child... or they would say, when I was born they wanted to push me back. If I painted anything it was crap.. if I sang it was crap, And when I got older It was what are you dressed in that for you look like a tart.. you are a tart. My sister was the one who go Birthday parties.. Me I just wached..I was the one who sat in a hospital after cutting my wrists after my uncle abused me and my dad telling me I should have taken pills to do the job. My sister was the one who go flowers and mum and dad getting her of the plain on her wedding day..I got a wedding where mom just waved to me saying have a nice time.. I was the one who had to ask people to come and see us off haha.. I mean come on.. My dad would always hit me not my sister, my mother would not hit me but she would with her words.. You have always been worthless, stupid, you are not normal that was a new one my mother said only last week.. When she called me just to say, did you get in the police... do you think you are going to high.. She then said .. you are not normal you are in the Royal Marines.. women your age .. a mother.. a wife.. your not normal.. your a bad mother for leaving your children every weekend. Then she gives me the old on.. your father would never LET me get away with half what you do.. she even said going to the gym is bad.. I should stay in and clean my house. hahahaha she had a fit when she found out I went to a lap dancing club with the army lads and I went to a gay club..ohhhh gay club.. what a bad person I am.. the true fact is my Best friend is a gay man and I love being around men who do not come on me .. but NO she needs to turn everything around.. and just cus I went to a lap dancing club does that make me gay... nooo I was that drunk me and the lads were sleeping in a chair looking like kids who had over loaded on Suger, crisps and Ice cream.. in our case wine, wine and wine.. I try to be such a positive person but truly I feel like I am being pulled down to the person my mother and farther even sister want to see.. worthless!! For instance mother wants me to go sunday lunch .. I so do not and will take rather a larg glass of wine.. one of those you can get the full red in..sit alone and hide like I always do.. see when I go to my mothers my sister will go and before I enter house my mother will do this.. Pull me aside and say Do not talk about your work, do not drink and do not play fight with your brother and the dog.. Do not go up stairs its not your house and do not what ever you do TALK.. hehe its true it is its not funny but I have to smile at it... I go in to the house and this is what I get.. dad in his chair.. I mean his chair.. reading his book he will grunt... no smile no hello just a grunt.. then my sister will sit on sofa and will look me up and down like I am nothing..at this point I am ready to jump on her sit on her face and FART on it.. but I would not, I am a lady so I smile walk past,go in to kitchen ask mother "do you need a hand mother" where is the wine and then I hide and no one talks to me no one smiles. Why is this.. I will sum my family up ..when I was 10 I found out my mother was raped by my god father who then told me I was his child. The one who raped my mother." so hear it comes out. My dad can not look at me never mind hold my hand or go by me.. when I was 14 I ran away from home due to my uncle abusing me..for years,!!! I told my father who told me he will kill him, then I see them both going out for drinks, I told my mum and she said this. Do not tell me I will kill him UMMM HELLOOOO..Nothing I mean nothing changed he did it over and over again until I leged it. When I was 15 homless, I begged mother to take me home due to the fact of men wanting wanting to prositute me.. I never allowed this, in the end I hid in a car liveing off asking god to help me. I then found my self raped and beated up to the point my eye came out... Its ok.. Im fine now I am a fighter.. but what hurts is the only person who helped me after calling my dad who said he did not care was some one Army. My mother came to my flat where I was hideing out in, where I was sleeping on the floor,,eating out of tins due to being under age to work and liveing off had outs... but my father just looked at me and walked out saying to my mum come on leave her.. you know I never asked him to come.. I was sleeping for days after the rape. my body my mind was in no mans land .. no one came to help me. And yes this effected me so much due to the fact I would never and could never just walk past someone who needed help I was 16 just gone...In the end a police man took me in and helped me, fed me and gave me a bed. Again I was raped at the age of 27 but this time I can not talk about it...apart from it was a date rape. . I called my mother the day after screaming to help me she came around and guess what she did to me.. she hit me.. I am looking at my life even with my husband , he should look at me and talk to me instead of coming in from work.. lap top in his face d in his lap.. no talking and if I do talk yu get the feeling with in seconds..you are talking to your self and this is true I am. I get to the point I do not talk, its stealing my confidence, My mother tells me not to talk, my dad just does not talk to me and my husband just thinks I am boring... I just do not know what to do with this pain. I do not feel me anymore...most the time I feel ugly and can not do anything right.. sometime I do not even want to talk to any one just incase I open my mouth and they soon see I am broken .. I am trying so hard to be strong but I am broken and I do not have anything to pull out the bag.. nothing to give..I can not sleep since the rape due to bad dreams but my dreams are worse now.. I can not smile due to this hole in me.. its like an hole thats makeing me feel like I can not smile... I would run away but then how can you run away from your self ... I just do not know whats going on with me . .. Link to comment
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