KG Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Took out my friend to a concert last night. She's widowed, for those that read my post, the Shopping Lady Friend. We dressed to the 9's...she seeems to enjoy us being in public looking good! Had a great time...went to a quiet place afterwards, and I asked her,one last time...is this going anywhere? NO! I won't have another man in my life, ever! So I asked about our kissing....slow dancing, the gifts we leave each other. How I am the only male she goes out in public with. She replies..."It will never be...let it go." We're cool, drive her home, get a peck on the cheek. Tonight I saw her at the local Pack 'n Pay...she's sullen. I ask her what's wrong.... "you know." I am not doing this anymore...I couldn't be more of an understanding gentleman, an admirer, a suitor. So this is my VENT.....she can't let go....but she wants to! At my detriment. I care for her, and want her to have a life again, even if not with me... but I will NOT be a ping pong in an emotional game anymore. OK, vent over! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 How long has she been widowed. It takes some people longer to bounce back into the dating world than others. I feel badly for her...she probably wants to move on but perhaps she feels disloyal if she does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 CAD^^^^^^ 5 years..she wil never move forward...been doing this for 8 months! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Shes playing the victim, if I were you I give her a joel osteen book. It says how you shouldn't play a victim. She just wants people to feel sorry for her, then there comes a point where people stop even caring to talk to her. Theres actually in one of his two books I read how this couple lost their son, everytime he was brought up they start crying their eyes out even after a year plus that he had been gone. So people just stop coming by because all they would do is be miserable and not move on. Unhealthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Tonight I saw her at the local Pack 'n Pay...she's sullen. I ask her what's wrong.... "you know." 1. What does this mean? That she's lonely for her late husband? That she's feeling something she can't have for you? What? I am not doing this anymore...I couldn't be more of an understanding gentleman, an admirer, a suitor. 2. Where exactly do YOU stand with wanting HER? You've said many times she isn't your type anyway. That you aren't attracted to her for a variety of reasons. So what's the real deal on your end? Are you attracted to her or not? Would you want this to go further if she'd get over her emotional obstacles? The reason I ask is because you seem to vascillate between saying she's just a friend and not someone you are ultimately courting, since you don't fancy her too much, and wooing her, feeling disappointed and ping-ponged around. I think it would help you a lot if you got it clear within yourself what your desires are -- and if you come to realize that you aren't that attracted to her anyway, then you won't be liable to feel confused by the situation anymore and her flirtations will cease to build fasle hope. But YOU will be in control of the decision since you've already decided she's not your type. 3. It's not your job to help her "move on." 4. If she's been so clear that a romance is out of the question, you might need to make it clear that a hot kiss on the lips is a boundary for you. And you should then take the shared affections at face value and no more. You have to decide in yourself to either enjoy the gifts without any hope for something else, or if you can't handle the hope that comes along with them, say that you'd prefer to keep things less romantic in nature. At very least, I think she should keep her lips to herself if she's gonna stop at that. It's getting to the point of unfair to you, to string you along like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Shes playing the victim, if I were you I give her a joel osteen book. It says how you shouldn't play a victim. She just wants people to feel sorry for her, then there comes a point where people stop even caring to talk to her. Theres actually in one of his two books I read how this couple lost their son, everytime he was brought up they start crying their eyes out even after a year plus that he had been gone. So people just stop coming by because all they would do is be miserable and not move on. Unhealthy. Ok that is not a fair comment about one's child even after a year. I still cry about my baby and it has been a year and 3 months. Being upset about a child's death is not being a victim but the worst pain ever imagineable and it takes sometime to get over, far more than a year. I know it is not a you but a book you read. But whoever wrote it is a dipstick about that. Now if it was like 5 years later I would wonder. I will agree however that she just wants to be a victim and have a suitor and be on someone's arm to go out. I would move on and find someone who wants to be part of life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 There are some people who get stuck and the only way they can become unstuck is for them to do it themselves. You have had enough to deal with KG - time to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afonselaca Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 It is very hard to try to gain someone's affection when they are deep down loving someone else of whom they can't let go. Its like they are walking in a tranced past/present and holding on to the last thread. I know you understand her side too. I wouldn't go as far to say she is being a victim. Maybe she is just unwilling to trust and in a whole bunch of ways. From your side, it probably feels like trying to press cookie dough into a bottomless cutter, if you will. It is sweet and yummm but no amount is adequate to bring the surface to a level where they can see what is really in front of them and enjoy it together. Instead, their mind's eye is trained on something else completely which leaves you feeling as empty as the cookie cutter. It is better to give affection to someone who is ready to receive it. This I am learning the brutal way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just M.E. Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I agree KG, she isn't being fair to you, she's wants to have you corralled (possibly?) and when you started getting attention from others she stepped up her attention. Then you asked her to "put her money where her mouth is" so to speak, and she folded. You don't need the "push me, pull me" game. Be a platonic friend if you are comfortable but I don't believe she is grown up enough for you. You have learned so much through your life and marriage and loses, it seems she has missed some of those lessons for herself. I'm not judging her, it just seems she doesn't know herself that well. She has to figure that out for herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afonselaca Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I'm still thinking about this. Why would she go out with you if she didn't want anything ever? She obviously knows that you are interested. It is mean and selfish to do that to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Yeah, you know...I could understand if she wanted your companionship, and you can enjoy hers, on a platonic basis, that this would be alright. Nothing wrong with that. And if she cannot release herself from her mourning and loss, that's not something I fault her for (though it's not so healthy, especially if she saying she'll "never" get with someone else.) But then, if that's her stand, she should support you in trying to find a mate that's right for you again, even if she harbors some attraction to you, since she's the one who's decided her fate -- instead of trying to keep you tethered to her wishy-washy, ambivalent affections. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 TOV, 1. She is convinced she would be dis-honoring his memory by being with another. But I think she is struggling with emotions coming to a rise, and may be confused. 2. Despite the reasons I shouldn't feel something...I do, or have. There is something very real about her, very down to earth. It's hard to explain...just an attractiveness over who she is. 3. I know it's not my job, but I feel terrible that she will miss out on so much by locking herself away. And I like helping people. But sadly, I must admit this is a lost cause, and will only cause me pain if I permit it to continue. 4. I don't think she is trying to string me along, I think her emotions, however buried they are, pop out, thus the kisses. But, this is over for me. I'm moving on. Thank you all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 How will you handle it if she calls you up and wants you to go out somewhere with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 How will you handle it if she calls you up and wants you to go out somewhere with her? As a friend. Yup! And, just got a date for the party tonight with another woman I met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Well, if you can keep it just as a friendship that's cool - but if you do start to date another woman seriously, know that a friendship with Shopping-Buddy will cause complications. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 Well, if you can keep it just as a friendship that's cool - but if you do start to date another woman seriously, know that a friendship with Shopping-Buddy will cause complications. DN, One day at a time...LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Good for you!! I am glad you decided to move on. Good luck with everything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Went out with the new woman last night....not out, but she came over. Arranging it was like a Marx Brothers movie....I was invited to 2 parties, she was invited to a 3rd. She called me at the 1st, saying she was running behind, could I hang out and wait? "Sure." This party started getting boring, I called her, asked her to meet me at my house, we'd go to #2. She gets here, I call ahead to the second party...cancelled, the guests of honor were out of town! LOL! So I built a fire in the firepit, we hung out, listened to music, I cooked some munchies. She left around 11, I had to get up early today. Got a peck on the cheek, and "please ring me up again." All in all a lot of confusion....but fun in the end! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daegas Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 It's ironic to see one so strongly convinced in some of his own believes so desperately trying to change a believe of someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 It's ironic to see one so strongly convinced in some of his own believes so desperately trying to change a believe of someone else. You lost me on this one..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Im shocked by this - not to hijack Theres actually in one of his two books I read how this couple lost their son, everytime he was brought up they start crying their eyes out even after a year plus that he had been gone. So people just stop coming by because all they would do is be miserable and not move on. Unhealthy. If i lost one of my children, i would probably cry for life. Red, you obviously havent got kids When you have, they are youre world. Its not about playing victim. A year would be nothing to the most wonderful years i have with my kids. Rant, sorry - back to the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 It's ironic to see one so strongly convinced in some of his own believes so desperately trying to change a believe of someone else. Are you going to explain this...who am I trying to change? I don't get this. Perhaps wrong thread? KG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Sounds like it went well last night, KG! Like you hit it off and despite logistics, had a fun time and she's interested!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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