Feelings for my best friend

[Pivoine]

My best friend and me, we went on a two-month trip and we ended up having sex three different times. We were not drunk, just sharing the same bed and although after the first time, we clearly decided it should not happen again, none of us stopped it in the two other occasions.

 

I like this guy a lot and he knows it. He adores me too: he is really sweet, cares deeply about me and until now he has always been there for me. However he says he is not in love with me. And he blames himself for it. In fact we started dating just after we met for the first time, but after some weeks he told me that he was not sure of his feelings and we split. Since then, we are very close friends and we never had sex again.

 

I want to continue being friends with him, but at the same time, the thought of him finding a girlfriend makes me extremely jelous. He says the same about me talking to other guys.

 

I think his feelings for me will not change after all this, but I don’t know what to do. My friends like him a lot too. Some don't even believe that we are only friends, because we are always together.

 

I tried to stop contact with him several times in the past, because I am afraid I cannot be a genuine friend if I love him. But he always insists, phones, comes to visit me and at the end everything continues as before. I value his friendship a lot and would not like to lose him, but the more I see him, the more I would like to become more than a friend.

 

Any insights will be greatly appreciated.

[Clementine orange]

Been there, done that...welcome to hell.

[Pivoine]

Hi Clementine. Are you still in the same situation? and if not, what did you do and what happened at the end?

[Clementine orange]

I had to not see her anymore...it got to be too difficult for me. She still occasionally contacts me saying she misses my friendship and that we should get together and talk. It's totally sad...sad beyond belief since I really miss her too. I was thinking of her just today actually...

 

It's weird, I miss her more than any "actual real" relationship I've ever had - how messed up is that?

[barbielovesmac]

I had to not see her anymore...it got to be too difficult for me. She still occasionally contacts me saying she misses my friendship and that we should get together and talk. It's totally sad...sad beyond belief since I really miss her too. I was thinking of her just today actually...

 

It's weird, I miss her more than any "actual real" relationship I've ever had - how messed up is that?

 

you can't be her friend anymore, clementine?

[Clementine orange]

you can't be her friend anymore, clementine?

 

Too much feelings, too much pride, too much passion, too much everything. It's one of the saddest things in my life...her's too apparently.

[Daegas]

If you have these feelings whilst being his friend, and continue to be his friend, how do you plan to find a partner for yourself for whom you have these feelings?

 

If he doesn't want to commit to you, and he sees other girls, he will find another girl that he will be with, and then what will become of you?

 

Have you suggested that he & you get back together and started to date again (do things you & he haven't done before, and show a side of yourself he doesn't know yet to make it a different experience) to try and capture the love?

[Pivoine]

If you have these feelings whilst being his friend, and continue to be his friend, how do you plan to find a partner for yourself for whom you have these feelings?

 

If he doesn't want to commit to you, and he sees other girls, he will find another girl that he will be with, and then what will become of you?

 

 

Exactly Daegas, that is the problem. But as mentioned by Clementine, when we attempted to put some distance in between us, we were both feeling sad and empty, and we got in touch again after a few days. I cannot force him to love me but I cannot force myself to love any other person.

 

I have also had friends who loved me and whom I did not love and I know that even if they had been by my side for centuries, I would have never loved them more than as friends. So, I understand that it is almost impossible to change the situation. I heard it is not so common to be friend-zoned if you are a girl, but it seems to be my case.

 

We share hobbies, tastes and plans. But the butterflies are not there for one of us. The funny thing is that the butterflies usually die after the first 3-4 years and then what remains is a love which is not so different from what we feel now for each other.

 

If I just knew a way of falling out of love!!!

[Clementine orange]

If I just knew a way of falling out of love!!!

 

If you could figure that out then you could make millions on it.

 

Unrequited love...poetry can only provide so much solace...

[PayNow]

I actually bumped in here on accident, but I have soo much insight to contribute...

 

I have gone through and I am actually going through much of what everyone here is saying...

 

I am actually near the end of it...thinking what is the wisest decicion to make

 

Years have gone by like this...and i cant take it anymore I would also like to ask for some advice also on what people like you guys here going or gone through similair experiences think...I feel like i have so much i could talk about...

 

I will try to keep it brief and simple I am 21 years old / Male... I was atracted to this girl at school when I was 18 years old...we met became friends...told her i wanted to date her...she politely refused...we still kept a friendship...became best friends as time went by...I introduced idea of dating again now it worked...time pases she says she is confused with her emotions and doesnt know if she loves me the way i love her...we stop seeing each other for months...time comes when we miss each other just too much that we get back togueter...we had sex and even tough we agreed to stop...neither of us really tried. We continued to be always togueter...time gos by I start losing my patience of wanting her to be my GIRLFRIEND...she says she is still very confused...Desperate I try and seek advice and counseling from anybody willing to help...I meet a very nice girl who is willing to always listen and help me out through though times ( no romantic interest from me or from her, just friends) ...I seek advice...Best Friend finds out and is Furious...she threatens to move away from me and never see me again if i dont get rid and never speak again with that friend that always conforted me when i was down and gave me advice ...I am a nice guy...I dont want to hurt somebody who never hurt me especially if they have been very kind and generous with me...I currently have spoken to both and tried to come to an agreement...my best friend refuses to be with me in any way if I even speak or see my friend...My best friend says she loves me...however she isnt shure about being girlfriend/boyfriend...she says she is very confused...I have been ignoring that friend that did so much for me...she is sad...cries...I FEEL HORRIBLE...I dont feel like its right but my best friend who i love wants that...my best friend even says she doesnt know if what she is doing is right but thats what she is feeling and she cant control that...wow i feel so overwhelmed with emotions i really need help

 

I appreciate any insight, coments , or ideas, sugestions whatever i would deeply appreciate...

 

Thanks for listening...

[Carmine]

Yo, I don't mean to be cold and heartless, but how the hell do a male and a female end up being "best friends?" I'm serious. I can hardly imagine a guy ending up being my "best friend," let alone one of my girl friends who cause me to bang my head in the wall whenever I'm around them. Furthermore, how do you end up being best friends with someone of the opposite sex that you have feelings for? Isn't that incredibly painful? I just don't get it.

[Pivoine]

Yo, I don't mean to be cold and heartless, but how the hell do a male and a female end up being "best friends?" I just don't get it.

 

I don't know how it happens for other people and I can tell you this is the first time it happens to me. I became best friend with my guy friend because he understands and supports me better than any other person. With other friends, I am not able to talk so much in depth about things as with him.

 

I can tell you that he comforts me more than some of my ex-bfs at the time we were dating, so I would not say my love for him has anything to do with us being friends. It must be something else.

 

Of course, one might ask then, if two people have such a connection, spend so much time together and there is a physical attraction, what stops them from dating as a couple?

 

That I cannot answer. I wish I could!

 

I see in other posts of the thread that there are men in my same situation. So, at least it seems clear that this is not gender-specific.

[Pivoine]

Hey PayNow,

 

What you describe sounds quite familiar! Indeed there is another man who is interested in me but to avoid getting into your same situation I am keeping a very cold attitude towards him. I mean, he is a friend, he also does care for me, but I know he does it out of love and I cannot give him that. At least not now. So, I don't want to use him as a safety net.

 

I cannot give you any real advice. But from outside, the attitude of your best friend seems quite selfish. Either she is loves you or not, but she cannot ask for exclusivity if she is not ready for you.

 

This jealousy is also a problem for me and my best friend. I understand that it happens to me because I do love this person. But as for why he (or your female best friend) gets jealous, that I don't know. My friend was telling this to me even when he was himself starting to date another girl!!

 

Does it mean that in fact our friends do love us but they themselves do not understand their own feelings or are trying to block them? Or (and that would be very sad) do they do it only to boost their self esteem?

[Daegas]

Of course, one might ask then, if two people have such a connection, spend so much time together and there is a physical attraction, what stops them from dating as a couple?

 

That I cannot answer. I wish I could!

You already answered it yourself:

 

I have also had friends who loved me and whom I did not love and I know that even if they had been by my side for centuries, I would have never loved them more than as friends.

 

You & he are just friends, you love him fully, he doesn't love you in the passionate sense and even if he is by your side for centuries, he would never love you as more than a friend (with benefits). Why would he date you if he knows it isn't going to happen?

 

We share hobbies, tastes and plans. But the butterflies are not there for one of us. The funny thing is that the butterflies usually die after the first 3-4 years and then what remains is a love which is not so different from what we feel now for each other.

Actually this is a wrong believe put out by ancient science. Recent research has shown that any form of love declines (both butterflies and the love you & he share), unless you work on it to keep it alive. There are couples who work on their relationship and are still madly in love with each other for more than 25 years.

[Pivoine]

You already answered it yourself:

 

 

 

You & he are just friends, you love him fully, he doesn't love you in the passionate sense and even if he is by your side for centuries, he would never love you as more than a friend (with benefits). Why would he date you if he knows it isn't going to happen?

 

No, I guess not, but why did he date me for a while (thats how we started)? why would he then say he is not sure to then spending most of his free time with me? why would he sleep with me again?

 

I know I am not in love with my other guy friends but I don't date them and I have never slept with any of them.

[Daegas]

Different people have different approaches to life, different morals & values, different strengths & weaknesses. He has desires, he knows you can fulfill some of them and he allows you to do it.

 

Another guy might have married you already, not have allowed this connection to be formed, or broken this connection. In my eyes this guy is a fool who should spend more time trying to form a stronger feeling of passion in himself for you.

 

There is also another thread I remember in which a girl was kicking herself in the head for not feeling passion for a guy, but after a veeery long time (with quite a few breakups) she finally felt it. But I cannot find back that thread.

 

Point 1 is very important: you need to control your thoughts. Your brain is now wired in such a way that thinking or being with this guy is going to release chemicals that make you feel good, your brain is now consciously & subconsciously getting you to think & be with him so that you feel good. Whenever you think of him, tell yourself whatever, or imagine a bomb being dropped on your thoughts. Then focus on something else (focusing = actively experiencing something by opening all your senses).

 

One final question: is the guy a bit lazy?

[Pivoine]

 

Also try something like: link removed

 

One final question: is the guy a bit lazy?

 

What a great webpage, Daegas! I think you found the main problem: my thoughts. I usually dont have problems making friends and meeting new people, but my mind keeps on going in circles with all the what ifs and whys.

 

What do you mean by lazy?

 

If you refer to work-related lazyness, it can be. He is now thinking about changing jobs and does not feel very motivated by what he does at work.

 

If you are talking about our friendship, then the answer is no. He contacts me daily and his acts really show that he enjoys spending time together with me. Like, if we don't meet one day, he will come the next one saying something like I missed you and proposing something for the next day. During the short period in which he dated someone, he also did the same, which might suggest his friendship is genuine and not depending on how lonely he is at the time.

[Daegas]

Heh, you are just like me then. At one point in my life I had so much why's & if's that I started to study selected parts of human psychology & the human brain. Don't forget

 

From your previous posts I can see your not much of a forum regular, but if in a month or so you feel like chatting & tell me how you are doing, you can reach me on e-mail/msn at email removed .