3 Mos Broken Up - first post

[lil big guy]

Hey ENAer's. I have been browsing this forum for a while now, but I feel the need to vent on here and seek some advice.

 

My ex and I are early 20's. We dated for nearly two years which I thought were great. It was semi long distance and we saw each other usually just on the weekends unless I was on break from school. Then we saw each other constantly.

 

Towards the end of the second year things just kind of got stale in the relationship I guess. We drifted apart and both realized it. We thought perhaps a "break" was in order and came to the agreement mutually. After roughly one week I told her I didn't want the break. She said she "lost herself" in the relationship and needed to be single for a while to find herself again. Plus she was very confused about getting back together with me.

 

I begged and pleaded for a while and after about a month I decided I needed no contact. Well after I started NC she called and asked for a meeting. I thought great this is a good sign. Well after the meeting she said she didn't want to mislead me and just wanted to catch up. Dagger in the heart, back to NC.

 

Two weeks ago she was texting me how she missed me, wished I would talk to her, and even sent me a love thing. So like the weakling I am I called her up and basically said if you want to make steps towards getting back together I'd love to have contact with you. If not sorry I can't be your friend.

 

Two weeks later she sends me a text saying she's been thinking about me. I don't respond..Calls me the next day early. I was sleeping and don't pick up. Then last night she sends me another text to which I responded. We had a little text conversation today but real light and relationship free.

 

My dilemma: I love this girl so much. I would love nothing more than to be with her. She still tells me how confused she is and how she just isn't ready right now to get back together. Last time we talked she even told me that it worried her that two months from now if she chooses to pursue me that I might not be available.

 

What is the deal here. Is she really just trying to be friends with me? I've told her til I'm blue in the face that I can't be friends with her given our intimate past. Am I making a mistake by responding to her texts? I really want to give myself the best chance to get back with her, but I feel that perhaps by responding I am helping her get over me by letting her know she still has me.

 

O ya and part of the reason she stated after the breakup was that I wasn't really emotionally available and romantic enough. I would give anything to prove her wrong. I have really been using this NC period to reflect and change for myself, but I fear that I may never get the chance to show her my changes. Sorry for the long post, but I really needed to get this off my chest to a new crowd. Thank you for your advice. It means a lot to me.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Read my thread for how my story is playing out. If you don't think you can be just friends, then don't. I couldn't and I made it clear. That's where it stands right now with me. She wants friends to see if I've changed, I'm not interested in friends at this point. I would say back away until you can be friends. Then start as friends, and see if something happens. But, I'm not very good at following my own advice. Do as I say, not as I do. LOL

 

 

[xItalianxPrincessx]

i think shes scared of staying and scared of leaving. she probably wants to live her college years, have some experiences under her belt and then have the serious relationship... but i think she loves you and its harder to do that when u guys already have a 2yr relationship going. im 21 and ive been with my bf (whos 24) for 4 yrs now. sometimes i think that way, like am i throwing away experiences i wont ever be able to have again? should i say i need time and hang out and go out clubbing with friends? but then im like what am i goin to get outta that? i have someone i love that loves me so much, why throw it away? and then with your guys' distance, it makes it harder bc while shes in school shes around the ppl throwin parties, talking about em, and she probably wants to experience some of that- but then she comes to see yo uon the weekends and its what actually makes you guys both happy. i think you should tell her exactly how u feel- even if its repeating yourself. let her know you cant keep talking to her one week and not the next and you need a definite answer: are you going to get back together?? tell her how u would love to be with her, but its not fair to you for her to talk to you one week and disappear the next how i said. i understand, if this is the case, how she feels. but its not fair to you. and although its verry tough, you have to make a concise decision that has YOUR best interest in mind. if you want to wait for her, then wait for her- but dont let her play around with your emotions. if you are tired of games. then stop talking/ responding to her- change your number if u have to- this will be hard, but go out, meet new ppl, and i guanrantee you, you will meet another girl you will love as much, if not more! youre young so theres plenty of time to hang out with friends, meet friends of friends and go out and meet new ppl. just know where you want to go in life and follow your heart. if something tells you to stay, dont ignore it- but dont be someones fall-back-on guy, like if shes dating but things fall thru she comes back for a couple weeks. stand up for yourself and get a definite answer and response out of her about anything you want to know. she should be willing to tell you everything so you are both on the same page!

[lil big guy]

Thank you both for the response and advice.

 

GHG: She knows that I cannot be friends with her, especially at this point. I just don't see how I can be friends with someone I was intimate with and shared such a history. She stated at the beginning of the breakup that she wanted to remain friends and fall in love all over again. I just cannot do this and don't know if I will ever be able to. She worries that we've changed and may not be compatible. Maybe but I don't see how people together for 2 years can become incompatible in a period of 3 months. I just don't understand. I'd like to think I'm the same guy only better because I've been able to reflect on my flaws in the relationship.

 

If she were to say that she wanted to take it slow and work towards getting back together I'd be OK with hanging out with her, but she has repeatedly told me she just isn't ready at this point to reconcile.

 

Princess: I have repeatedly told her how I feel about her. I told her two weeks ago that the past is history and I want anything between us to be fresh and new. I told her I wasn't ready to be in contact with her because I'm still healing from the break. I don't want to be the fall back guy. I just want to give us another crack because I felt we were a good couple. I just got complacent in the relationship and took it for granted at times. I feel this caused her to pull away.

 

She is not in college and works full time. I know, however, that she has been partying a lot and having a good time. She tells me she's not interested in anyone and that she just wants to be single which I can understand. I just feel that a point will come where she will meet someone and date them while I'm still sitting here trying to win her back. It's weird because she initiates all the contact usually every other week, but its just to see how I've been and stuff. This was my first long term relationship and it hurts like hell still, even after 3 months.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I hear ya. This is what my ex wants. She wants to hang out from 'time to time', to monitor my changes. I'll admit I've made alot of empty promises in the past, but she has some stuff to work on also. I'm just not having any of it. I feel like she's trying to be in total control, and she would be at this point. I'm the one who still has feelings and her not so much. Its totally unbalanced. And while I understand my ex's point of view, I'm just not at a place to accept friendships and be cool with it. It'd hinder my growth. I'm not going to tell you which way to go. But YOU need to decide what will help YOU heal. YOU are not in a relationship anymore. YOU need to take care of YOU. If being friends is/would be too painful, then don't do it. If you've made it clear that you're not interested in being friends, then try your best to let it go. You can call her when you can be just a friend, and that means moving on. If friends is all she really wants, then she'll have to understand. Take care of yourself brother, and just try to heal for now. Don't worry about getting her back at this point. I tried to get my ex back a bit too early, and couldn't handle the taking it slow bit. I felt her pull back, and panicked. Good luck. Feel free to PM if you need to chat.

[lil big guy]

I'm not going to tell you which way to go. But YOU need to decide what will help YOU heal. YOU are not in a relationship anymore. YOU need to take care of YOU. If being friends is/would be too painful, then don't do it. If you've made it clear that you're not interested in being friends, then try your best to let it go. You can call her when you can be just a friend, and that means moving on. If friends is all she really wants, then she'll have to understand.

 

Well I know right now that friendship is out of the question. I am slowly getting better, but I feel it could be a LONG time before my feelings fade to a point where friendship is an option. The confusing thing is she wants to be friends, but she says that in the future we may get back together.

 

I guess you could say that we've been in LC for a while with her initiating all the conversations. Yesterday was kind of weird because I responded to her text message. We got engaged in a little conversation. Then I asked her a question and she never responded. I don't think I did anything to make her mad. It was a light conversation and can't see how she could have taken any comment in a negative way.

 

That kind of confused me. For all I know she could have a bf now. She told me that she wouldn't keep contacting me if she started dating anyone, but I just hope she really means it. I have been meeting new girls, but it just sucks that after 3 months she is still one of the first things on my mind when I wake up. I have good and bad days, weekends are usually bad because I'm out drinking with friends and the alcohol doesn't help. My fault, I know.

 

My question is, for the past two months almost every time we've had contact I've asked her to give me a second chance. Every time she tells me she isn't ready and is confused about what to do. Sometimes I feel she is just stalling until she gets over me, but other times I feel she is being truthful since she really has always been in a relationship. Since she knows how I feel, should I just leave her initiating the contact? I can't be friends with her, but I'd still love to get another chance. This was our first breakup and I feel as though I can show her I've changed if she'd only give me one more try..Thanks for reading.

[jasper01]

There is nothing you can do. I think it is just as she says, she is lost and confused. She is not ready or wanting to deal with it, but at the same time she doesn't want to lose you.

 

So this is really about you. Is this the kind of relationship that you want? This is what she has to offer.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I'd just back off, and not contact her anymore, or even respond to her at this point. When you KNOW you can be just friends, then go ahead and resume contact. But it's doing you no good at this point. I'd love another chance too, but I'm not going to settle for scraps of attention at this point. You'll only start to resent her with that kind of relationship. Just heal man. Cut her off for now. Nothing says you can't talk to her in the future, but like you said, friends isn't an option at this point. She knows how you feel, so let it go. Easier said than done I know. She's keeping you hanging on which is not fair to you at all. If she only wants friends then she'll understand and give you the space you said you need to get to that level. But this wishy washy crap isn't doing anyone any good. Just my opinion. Take care.

[lil big guy]

There is nothing you can do. I think it is just as she says, she is lost and confused. She is not ready or wanting to deal with it, but at the same time she doesn't want to lose you.

 

So this is really about you. Is this the kind of relationship that you want? This is what she has to offer.

 

This is definitely not the kind of relationship I want with a person I care so much for. The feelings must be reciprocated. I've been trying to make it about me for so long but I seem to let my feelings overwhelm me at times and cause me to lose some of my progress. Thank you for the response, Jasper.

 

I'd just back off, and not contact her anymore, or even respond to her at this point. When you KNOW you can be just friends, then go ahead and resume contact. But it's doing you no good at this point. I'd love another chance too, but I'm not going to settle for scraps of attention at this point. You'll only start to resent her with that kind of relationship. Just heal man. Cut her off for now. Nothing says you can't talk to her in the future, but like you said, friends isn't an option at this point. She knows how you feel, so let it go. Easier said than done I know. She's keeping you hanging on which is not fair to you at all. If she only wants friends then she'll understand and give you the space you said you need to get to that level. But this wishy washy crap isn't doing anyone any good. Just my opinion. Take care.

 

GHG you seem to have your head screwed on tight over all this. It's really hard to cut a person out of your life that you care so much for, but as you say it needs to be about me now. I shouldn't accept scraps. If I was strong enough to handle LC then it would be OK, but I just don't know if I'm at that point yet. Oh well moving forward. Thank you again GHG for the response. Enjoy the weekend everyone.

[GoldenHillGuy]

GHG you seem to have your head screwed on tight over all this. It's really hard to cut a person out of your life that you care so much for, but as you say it needs to be about me now. I shouldn't accept scraps. If I was strong enough to handle LC then it would be OK, but I just don't know if I'm at that point yet. Oh well moving forward. Thank you again GHG for the response. Enjoy the weekend everyone.

 

I only have my head screwed on tight because I've been there. With my first ex, I let her walk all over me for over a year with her keeping me hanging on by a thread. It took me a LONG time to heal over that one. But I have my own self to blame for that debacle. With this ex, I showed much more restraint, but still not enough. I think I played the hand I was givin this time around much better had I not went through the first messy break up. With this ex, I let myself read a bit too much into what she said, and not her actions. I hope someday to be friends with her at the very minimum, but I don't really care about reconciling at this point. Sure, it would be nice, but I have to worry about myself first, and I will NOT be screwed with like my first ex did to me. So, don't just take my advice as the gospel. Hell, I failed at getting my ex back. I'm not a success story in that regard, but.........

 

My success is, I've left my ex with NOTHING bad to remember me by, and my pride and dignity intact for the most part. Have a great weekend as well.

[lil big guy]

Hey everyone. I want to update my situation and seek some advice. My ex wrote me an email the other day. It was quite friendly at the beginning but at the end it got kind of emotional. She said that she loves me and misses me a lot. She also said that she can't say she's completely happy now or that she's sure our breakup was the right decision.

 

I was going to reply the next day, but then she texted me asking if I wanted to meet with her. I thought great she is starting to come around to the idea of getting back together. The dinner was nice. We flirted with each other a lot. Things got kind of heavy at the end when we were in my car. We started talking about the breakup.

 

She told me how in the two years we were together I never told her I loved her. While this isn't entirely true, I was a bit lacking on the affectionate side. She stated how we weren't a bad couple. I agreed with her. She knows I want to get back together with her. It was brought up and she said she has thought about it, but is nervous. I start my new job on Monday and she worries that I will be unavailable and if I choose to move closer to work that the distance would get to us again.

 

I told her I didn't want to get ahead of ourselves, but I would address that if we got back together. She said she didn't know how we would get back together because we never really talk or hang out (I went into NC to try and heal myself). I do know that she is kind of rebounding with a guy right now who is way older than she is. She is 22 he is close to 40 I think (this is weird to me but whatever). I'm 23. She also stated that he's made her realize I was a better bf than she thought, and she is thinking of cutting things off with this guy. She was pretty emotional during this conversation and even cried a bit.

 

We had a long hug and even kissed. She said we should hang out again and that I should call her. What should I do? I am not entirely healed and have VERY strong feelings for her still. I want to hang out with her if it will result in us getting back together, but I don't want to put myself out there to get rejected again. While I did beg her back and become needy initially after the breakup I feel the situation is complicated because I wasn't very affectionate and sort of took the relationship for granted.

 

I can honestly admit my faults in the relationship and it absolutely kills me that I screwed it up. I have used NC to really reflect on the past and try to change. I've read some books and just reflected on my behavior. I know I can be the man she wanted me to be, but I don't know how to convey this to her. I don't think she entirely trusts that I've changed. I think I really broke her trust by not being affectionate and not really talking about the future. The problem was I was still in college and unsure of the future myself. I know I want this girl. Should I call her and initiate another meeting? I'm really confused on how to proceed.

[Flying Dutchman]

It sounds like she definitely needs a considerable amount of time alone to figure out what she needs. If you've already told her your reflections and apologized for your mistakes, there's not anything you can or should say or do to "win her back". You illustrate a very typical pattern in relationships. During a relationship, one person is a distancer (you) who lacks in the affection department and keeps the relationship at an arm's length and the other person (your partner) is the pursuer who seeks and craves the affection and closeness of the relationship. Now you are apart, the roles have reversed. You see and miss what you had in the relationship and your partner thinks about life without you. Now she is the distancer and you are the pursuer. The counterintuitive part about it is, the more the pursuer pursues the more the distancer will distance. So you have to find the balance in that dance. Just my $.02.

[lil big guy]

Thanks for the response dutchman. I agree that she needs time to figure herself out. I can't say that I was intentionally trying to keep the relationship at arms length. I truly loved this girl with all my heart.

 

Upon reflection I have come to realize what I feel is a character flaw in myself that I'm aware of and actively working on fixing. It took the breakup for me to realize this. I wasn't a bad boyfriend by any means and she has even told me so.

 

The weird thing is after the breakup I begged her back for around 1 month. After that I decided NC was the only way to heal myself and get over her. After that she started contacting me again every so often.

 

It was mostly just friendly text messages. I really perceived that email as a big reach on her part. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to say she loves me still and misses me a ton, let alone question whether the breakup was the right decision. I just don't know what to do from here. It seems as though she is still confused and afraid to commit, but that is just speculation on my part.

 

I just don't know if I should pursue her further or not. I don't want to get friendzoned.

[Sparkie]

Hey mate,

IMO you should tough it out just a bit longer. She may well have reached out, and be considering reconciling with you. Part of the 'new' attraction for her is that you stopped contacting her giving her time to reflect. Caving in now gives her less to think about.

 

I think she needs to continue to value you; to see you as a possible catch. Possible, because YOU may or may not decide to go there.

 

Just take a quick check of the facts. She has left you. Has a new boyfriend, and hasn't left him or said she wants to come back.

 

I think just tell her that whilst you still harbour hopes of reconciling with her, obviously that can't happen at the moment because she is seeing someone. She needs to take a risk and clear the decks FIRST. Not keep both guys stringing along while she weighs it up.

 

I would continue to have LC, but don't initiate, don't always be available, and don't get emotional about the old relationship. Be polite, caring, but act confident. Be confident that your changes are good to go; you don't need to convince her. The fact you are not trying to convince her will only make you seem different, and more alluring!!

[lil big guy]

Wow I could really use some advice here. A lot has happened since my last post. We started talking more and more and meeting up every so often. My feelings for her were growing stronger but I had that suspicion in the back of my mind that she was still seeing the rebound. Well one day I called her out on it and she confirmed to me that she had been with the rebound the night before. We got into a bit of an argument, but the whole thing resulted in her still saying that she cares about me and loves me but cannot give me an answer at this point.

 

I felt that enough is enough. I'm going insane trying to win this girl back over and the only logical thing for me to do is go NC until she can give the answers I desire. Well she sent me an email apologizing about the conversation and was sorry that she couldn't give me answers but wanted us to remain close. Friendship isn't an option so I ignored the email. Two days later she sends me love letters that we wrote to each other via email. That really tugged at my heart. Then later that night she texted me asking if I was still mad at her. I want so badly to respond, but I feel I just keep shooting myself in the foot. She says her and the rebound aren't anything official but they do spend a lot of time together. I just don't know what to do anymore??

[spion_kop]

Wow, she's got you right where she wants you, on a leash. Of course she wants you two to be close, what better way to have a secure blanket when she gets into a fight with her bf?

Go NC, move on. You cannot give ppl this much power over you. Don't give her ultimatums either, it would just backfire on you.

If you really love her, let her be with herself and her bf.

 

My ex did the exact same thing with me but i held strong with NC. She even had the audacity to msg me when she got into a fight with her bf and wanted me to comfort her. I've ignored everything she's sent towards me.

Get a hold of yerself and close the door on possible reconcilations for now and for the foreseeable future.

[lil big guy]

Well I understand your point spion. I do feel as though I am sort of a fallback option, however, this approach is easier said than done. While I feel that being around during a rebound is not the right approach, it is hard to for me to classify this as a relationship. Yes they do spend time together, but they are not an official anything. Also, since our last conversation I have just gone cold turkey on her. I have not responded to any emails or texts (she has not tried to call) and I feel this may backfire.

 

I feel as though my NC is two-fold. I want to use it to get over her, but I also want to use it to make her feel what it's like to be without me completely. I'm just having a hard time because I believe that just cutting her off like this is immature, mean, and unlike myself. Part of me knows that what she has been doing to me for the past 4.5 months is all of the above, but this girl holds an indescribable place in my heart and I have a hard time acting cold towards her. I guess I'm just really afraid to lose her for good by doing NC. Part of me thinks that by staying in LC it will eventually lead to reconciliation. I will admit that after periods of LC I blow my lid and pressure her to make a decision though. Does everyone agree that NC is the right approach? Any facts missing?

 

Just a quick few: Broke up in June. Have not gone two weeks w/o contact since the breakup. Breakup was mutual although I begged her back 3 weeks after. I've asked her to be back with me around 5 times since the breakup and she says is unsure and can't give me an answer yet. She says she still loves me and cares about me. I feel that this NC may piss her off and make her unlikely to ever contact me again.

 

I guess I'm asking if anyone thinks that LC is still appropriate?

[Sweet Venus]

I agree with the last poster LBG..I think she is using you as a security blanket. You have not given her a REAL taste of what life WITHOUT you completely is like. In my opinion she manipulates the situation when she feels she is truly losing you. She sends you love songs, letters, etc....because she knows they work. And once she knows you're there, she feels like she can relax again.

 

You think she'll be upset if you do NC?? What about YOU?? You can remain on her string undefinetely..OR until she dumps you for good. If things fall apart for her...too abd. She can;t have it BOTH ways. You did the reasonable thing by asking her to make a decision. I think you have been MORE than fair..now it's time to play hard ball.

[lil big guy]

Yeah I understand both of your point of views and I appreciate your inputs. So this notion of NC, am I supposed to ignore every attempt she makes to contact me? Indefinitely? Without explanation? I get why I should be doing NC. It just seems to just start ignoring her without even saying "since you don't have room in your life for me then we should avoid contact until you can make a decision," seems like a huge jerk move that could have severe backfires.

[Sweet Venus]

Until she decides she wants to work on you and her getting back together...you owe her nothing. She broke up with you. She should be the one trying to get YOU back if it's what she wants. In the meantime, doing NC helps you distance yourself emotionally so that she no longer influences YOUR decisions. Ie...sending you poems, letters, songs that tug at your heartstrings. Set a time frame to do NC and stick with it.

I think it's more selfish on her part to expect you to wait around for her while she plays

with another guy.

 

And on another note...this is about PRIDE. Anyone with self worth should NOT be sidelined for someone else. So if nothing else..have enough pride to not let her treat you like a second class citizen. I know for ME, my ego can't take it..and that

helps me more than anything.

[lil big guy]

So now after doing strict NC she calls me up a bunch of times. She basically said she wants to be with me. She said she needs to deal with the rebound, but wants to take it slow and let things happen naturally. She asked that I don't ignore her and that we have communication and spend time together. I'm still nervous about this whole thing though cuz even though she says she wants to be with me, part of me fears that was her reaction to strict NC. I'm worried that now that she has me communication with her she will feel comfortable again and do nothing about the rebound guy. What do people feel about this? This is the first time in 5 months she has said such a thing, but for some reason I'm being kind of pessimistic about the situation even though I view this as a step in the right direction.

[lil big guy]

Does anyone have an opinion on her telling me she wants to be with me? When her and I start talking again I have a real hard time not pressuring things. For example, I called her last night and she didn't answer. She texts me back saying sorry to miss your call, I'm having a drink with a girlfriend and it's loud. Maybe she was maybe she wasn't, but I can't help think this is with the rebound.

 

Today she calls me while at work and then shortly after I got off. I couldn't get to the call, but called her back and again no answer. I left a voicemail, but again my mind thinks she is hanging out with the rebound even though she said she wants to be with me but didn't know how to get rid of the rebound. I know I need to take a chill pill, but I still wonder if I need to NC her until she gets rid of the rebound. I don't want a competition with him and end up getting screwed. Do people think I should just try and stay calm and talk to her or should I go NC again?

[Eirikr]

I'm no expert whatsoever, but what I'd do is talk to her one more time, and state that she hurts you by trying to work things out with you -while- having a rebound with someone else. That it isn't fair, and that if she truly wants to work things out, to contact you until that rebound thing is over and done.

 

Yes, its kind of an ultimatum.

 

Normally ultimatums are very very bad, but I feel this is one of those times that its justified. As time pass and she makes her mind you're getting hurt, plus she is lost. It could take forever for her to decide what to do. This is kind of pushing her a bit to get real.

 

Worst case scenario, she doesn't contact you anymore. In which case you'll know your answer.

 

Best case scenario you start a new relationship with her, with you having set a line and said "no more".

 

In the end, choose what feels best for you. What will bring less pain for you in the long run?

 

For me, it's having a definite answer.

[Wmast]

This is just like my story.

Please read mine and go NC until she breaks up with the rebound guy. I stuck around for 3 MONTHS like a dummy while she said she would get rid of the rebound but she never did. Now I'm suffering! Don't budge man... NC until she ends it with him. Good luck!