Please help me....

[sarahlou]

I'm sorry if this is long winded but I need to ask for advice. My boyfriend of 13 months dumped me 3 weeks ago and I am destroyed. I did everthing for him. Lent him huge sums of money, bought him a car, lent him my car, did his washing ..the list is endless. Anyway, when we met he was at uni, I am 31 and he is 24. Everthing was great at first apart from the fact that he cheated on me on my birthday last year. He said that was my fault tho as I had got too drunk. He also kept texting this girl after but just said that he was tying up a loose end.

 

My best friend hated him and told me that he was playing me and was a control freak. He hated her and never wanted me to go see her or go out with her. In the end I chose him and so have lost the best friend I ever had. I did tell the occasional lie, yes but he lied so much more to me. He put me down continously calling me a retard, and fat - he knew that I hav recently recovered from bulimia. I was always so nervous around him because of the fact that he put me down if I said something or did something wrong. My self esteem is shattered. He hated me going out with friends and said that at my age I should be past that anyway. He also forbid me from wearing low cut tops, short skirts and make up. I don't want to sound conceited but I am fairly attractive and do get attention from men even when just shopping. He used to hate it. One guy even sang the song is she really going out with him when we walked past. He went beserk at me and said that I had encouraged him by looking. It was always ok for him to look at other women tho and comment on their ass etc.

 

That is why I did used to drink when we went out, it gave me confidence that he said he wanted in a girl. He drinks heavily too and when he did drink he kept telling me things like the fact that he kept thinking of ways to mess us up in his head because he didn't like being happy. Or he used to cry over his ex who dumped him and told him she never loved him. Sometimes he was just so lovely and that is the person that I miss. A beautiful person who meant the whole world to me. Other times it was like he was someone else completely. He got a good job when he finished uni and moved over 200 miles away from me. I lent him the money for his deposit on a flat, bought him a car, a bed etc. We were going to see each other every weekend, him coming to me and my kids and me going to him every alternate weekends. Anyway, what happened in the end was that I was upset because he rang and said he was going to a night club with another girl. Said I was a jealous * * * * * and didn't trust him. After that it was his birthday which I was meant to spend with him but he told me he wanted to be alone and think. I rang him on his bday and he was with this girl and another friend. The day after, I went to see him and we sorted things out. 5 days later I was going to see me again and he asked me if I wanted to go to a club and I said yes. He said he was annoyed though because this girl had asked him to go and he had to tell her no because I was going to see him. When I got there we went out for a meal and he had a go at me saying that I couldn't make conversation even though he never tried to make any.

 

The next night we went out and I got a bit drunk and knocked his drink over. That was all. He dragged me out the club. Said I was an embarrassment and disgrace as a girlfriend and I disgusted him. We made up a couple of days later after he told me that he had lost feelings for me but was willing to give it another go.

 

Anyway, he dumped me by e mail 3 days afer that. Said he didn't trust himself to be faithful. I rang him and he told me that he did love me more than anyone he ever had before but had very little feeling for me now. He was so cold and uncaring. I felt as though I didn't know the person I was talking to. He said that I had been a * * * * * for the last two months which was a load of crap. The thing is, I know him and he has pushed every single person away that got to know him too well and that cared for him. He still says that he doesn't regret his decision and won't change his mind. I am crushed and don't know where to turn.

 

I can't bear the thought of him being with someone else and not me. I just want to get him back and make this pain go away. He says that he wants to keep in touch but that it's too much grief at the moment. He hasn't removed any of the photos of us on facebook and so I have to look at them if I look at my photos etc. I gave so much of myself to him and now I feel as though all I am is an empty shell. Tell me how is anyone supposed to love someone like that?.....

[ButterflyWrists]

your worth so much better. from the sounds of it, he is more bad than good. what kept you with him? he blatently cheated on you, and didnt try and hide it. he took advantage of you. let him go. and find someone who u deserve.

[Nearwater]

You are not supposed to love someone like that, you are supposed to let him go and look into yourself why you would accept someone talking to and treating you the way you describe in your email.

 

This is where ENA can help you. If this is your first post spend some time reading the posts and do your best to take some of the advice and you WILL start to feel better soon.

 

The concept of NC or no contact in your case should help allot. Give it a few weeks and when you get your head together then if he has any property of yours or anything you need arrange to get it back. Rely on some friends to help if you feel down and do a bunch of reading about relationships on the net.

 

The controling bahaviour, the comments about your body and other women, telling you what to wear, this other girl now... you owe it to yourself to date a man the wants you.

 

Don't settle for less. Hope you feel better!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i know you are hurting but in that entire thread all you listed was these negative horrible things that he did and said to you- and then one little tiny line you mentioned something nice about him.

 

Why on earth are you wasting your precious life feeling sad over this boy who has treated you so horribly?

[Up and Down]

Everthing was great at first apart from the fact that he cheated on me on my birthday last year. He said that was my fault tho as I had got too drunk. He also kept texting this girl after but just said that he was tying up a loose end.

 

This is abusive

 

He put me down continously calling me a retard, and fat

-

 

This is abusive

 

I was always so nervous around him because of the fact that he put me down if I said something or did something wrong. My self esteem is shattered.

 

This is what abusers do, they break you down over time

 

He hated me going out with friends and said that at my age I should be past that anyway. He also forbid me from wearing low cut tops, short skirts and make up.

 

This is controlling

 

 

 

I don't want to sound conceited but I am fairly attractive and do get attention from men even when just shopping. He used to hate it.

 

He is insecure

 

 

One guy even sang the song is she really going out with him when we walked past. He went beserk at me and said that I had encouraged him by looking. It was always ok for him to look at other women tho and comment on their ass etc.

 

This is hypocritical...abusers seem to have this in common

 

Sometimes he was just so lovely and that is the person that I miss. A beautiful person who meant the whole world to me. Other times it was like he was someone else completely.

 

This is the mean and sweet cycle that keeps the abused enmeshed in an abusers reign.

 

The thing is, I know him and he has pushed every single person away that got to know him too well and that cared for him.

 

Abusers are very good at playing vicitm

 

 

Tell me how is anyone supposed to love someone like that?.....

 

You can't because they don't love themselves, the cycle of abuse will only get worse.

 

Read this article and vent and post here. Cut all contact with this man including facebook, before he pulls you down into a deep hole of depression.

 

link removed

[sarahlou]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I know in my own mind that he has treated me very badly but I just can't help thinking that maybe it is my fault. Im also so angry with myself because I could see it all happening but I just kept giving and giving because I was so desparate for him to love me. I am not going to contact him again. Im pretty sure that he keeps calling tho because I keep getting a withheld number that just hangs up. Im not sure how to get my self esteem built back up after this....

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

you have to realize that you deserve more and that you shouldn't have to beg anyone for the time, love and respect.

 

and most importantly- stop talking and listening to him... you need to go complete and total NC with him- if you talk to him you are going to get Mr. Nice Guy - and you'll get sucked back into his abuse.

 

do this for yourself...

[redhearts]

Sorry but what the efff are you thinking!? Thats especially someone you don't bring your kids around! Hes manipulate, controlling, a big darn butt hole, disrespectful, doesn't love you, doesn't care for you, he just wants to play games and get things out of you. Your kidding me that you bought him a car after he cheated?! This guy has serious issues, it just sucks that he broke up with you, you shoulda broke up with him long ago. What you need is to cut off all contact, you lost a lot with this guy, don't lose anymore of your life with him. FORGET this guy hes the biggest loser I ever heard of my God! I didn't know men like this existed! Scratch that hes no man!

[redhearts]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I know in my own mind that he has treated me very badly but I just can't help thinking that maybe it is my fault. Im also so angry with myself because I could see it all happening but I just kept giving and giving because I was so desparate for him to love me. I am not going to contact him again. Im pretty sure that he keeps calling tho because I keep getting a withheld number that just hangs up. Im not sure how to get my self esteem built back up after this....

 

There is no way this is your fault. I see it as you just wanted a good relationship, to be loved and care for. So no its not your fault, the only thing that may be your fault is if you try to get back with him and mess up your life. You don't want him to love you, you just want someone to love you, because trust me this is no kind of guy that you want. Hes a complete and utter piece of garbage.

[xItalianxPrincessx]

i didnt even read after you said he told u it was ur fault he cheated on you ON YOUR BDAY bc you got to drunk...?!?!?!? THAT IS NOT COOL IN ONE BIT! ppl do that kinda stuff to make the other person feel bad about themselves to they stay and the jerk person can have their cake and eat it too- and this was only a year hun, MOVE ON and find someone who WONT cheat and WONT blame you for THEIR actions!!! THAT IS B.S. and not ok!!! youll be so much better without him! honest to God. just keep going out with friends, hang out as much as you can until you feel better, and meet new ppl. youll find another guy in no time and there are so many other guys that would pobably love to be with you you just dont no it yet since you were in this relationship!

[redhearts]

Hahahaha, I woulda laughed at him for saying it was her fault he cheated because of that reason. Because its ridiculous for one, another thing is he got his thing out and put it inside someone, his own fault he controls himself. Idiiiiiot!

[sarahlou]

So, so true. I never should have introduced him to my kids. I know that but at the time I honestly couldnt see the wood for the trees. I guess to explain why I put up with it, I had just got divorced after 10 years when I met him and was and still am terrified of being on my own. Lame excuse, lame - I know. Also, another point on him. He also smacked me accross the face once and said that was my fault because Id told one of his sisters that he had cheated on me. I had told her but only because she asked me. Thanks guys, you are really helping me see what a loser he truly is finally.....

[jettison]

So, so true. I never should have introduced him to my kids. I know that but at the time I honestly couldnt see the wood for the trees. I guess to explain why I put up with it, I had just got divorced after 10 years when I met him and was and still am terrified of being on my own. Lame excuse, lame - I know. Also, another point on him. He also smacked me accross the face once and said that was my fault because Id told one of his sisters that he had cheated on me. I had told her but only because she asked me. Thanks guys, you are really helping me see what a loser he truly is finally.....

 

He cheated on you, then blamed you, hit you, and then blamed you, took your money, and then left you. There is NOTHING good about this guy.

 

Being terrified to be on your own is a big, big problem. You always end up putting yourself in these situations that aren't good for you. Please learn to be by yourself. Even when you're with someone, you are still alone. We are all alone. I feel like this guy must have known how desperate you were to be with someone and so he took advantage of you. It's despicable. When I hear about met like this, I swear, it makes me feel violent, and I don't even know him.

[tina-rocks]

I am really sorry I know how awful you feel. I'm in it so deep myself.

 

I wish I could do something to take the pain away for you.

 

I really feel for you.

[redhearts]

If anything, if you had that car under your name you should of tried to get it back,lol.

[sarahlou]

Thank you, Tina. I am sorry for you too.

 

Even though I was treated so wrongly, the pain is just gnawing and won't stop.

 

He has ruined so much of my life, I don't want him to and will not let to ruin anymore....

 

And Jettison, yes I am going to learn to be by myself because only when I accept who I am will this stop happening.....

[sarahlou]

That is avery gud point actually, LOL! It is in my name along with the insurance..... he, he, he

 

The possibilities are endless

[sarahlou]

Why after everything he has done do I want him to come back to me? I so want to beg him to take me back knowing full well he will laugh in my face. How is it possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time?.....

[gemini6686]

he doesn't love you, he only loves himself, for yourself and your kids keep him away from yourself no matter how much he hurts. He's a negative influence and he's bad news and he's unstable and thats the fact...hope you get better soon and ya you do deserver better...much much much better...

[gemini6686]

The reason you want him to come back to you is because you have gotten used to him.Also when someone has that kind of hold on you and keeps putting you down all the time after some point of time you start believing at the back of your mind that whatever this guy is saying must be true.But its not so...Put aside your feelings for me,Stop lying to yourself and see him for who He is...

[sarahlou]

Thank you. He has beaten me down so much that I actually believe that no one else will ever want me. It's ridiculous I know. Im a nurse and help so many people on a daily basis but I don't see the truth when it's staring me straight in the face. I guess I never wanted to accept the truth and now Im being forced to and it hurts ...