knightingale Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Is that really possible? Let's say you're a smoker. You enjoy smoking. You meet someone who does not approve, so in order to keep them around you decide you'll quit for them. However, it's not something you personally want to do, you just don't want to lose the person because of it. Can you actually make that change long lasting or would you eventually fall back into the habit because you did it for the wrong reason? That's just an example. I am talking about anything here, whether it be a personality trait, a hobby, eating habits, political views, religious views, pot smoking/other drugs, drinking etc. Anything. I don't have a personal reason for asking this, it just seems like a lot of people, especially at my age when they are still "finding themselves" and growing up, seem to depend on another person to change them, and I don't think it's possible or healthy to go about it that way. I think if you're going to change something about you, it's something you and you alone want to change and something that only you can change. It just seems that if you think someone is going to change you or you are changing for them, the results will be short lasting or you will resent them down the line. Discuss. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I don't believe you can change for others. You have to change for youself. Sure, you can TEMPORARILY stop smoking for someone, but, you'll go back to it, and, might even resent the person who does not want you to smoke. True change comes from within a person. My best, ~Allie Link to comment
wtm78 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 well they say "love conquers all".. people are capable to do a lot of things for love... Link to comment
cavaliere Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Change for no one but yourself, or don't even change at all if you like yourself. Life is short and you should live it your way, not someone else's. Link to comment
Wolf_22 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 It's okay to change for someone if it pertains to something that will better yourself as well as coincide with your own goals and or agendas. If you smoke, and your partner prefers that you do not, well, you should not only stop because of health concerns, but you should also quit for the person you love. In this scenario, it's a win-win. I had a partner that decided to leave me because of my religious views. She told me that if I didn't believe what she believed, that it wouldn't work out between us. Obviously, I agreed: to leave the relationship, that is... Link to comment
barbielovesmac Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 If I were a smoker and I started seeing a guy who didn't like it ... I'd try to quit. I think in terms of something like this, qutting smoking then yeah, I'd do it. I'd be benefiting myself in a big way. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 I think we can learn from others and want to change. Say you didn't eat all that healthy and the person you were with did. You might learn that eating healthy doesn't mean you can't enjoy food like always. Drugs usually come with other baggage that is being sedated by whatever their drug of choice is, which can include drinking. We all give of ourselves in a relationship, sometimes we might need to give something up for the relationship as well...... lost Link to comment
McLovin oo7 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Changing for someone? I think you are talking about changing for a bf or gf? It is not healthy since if people expect you to change for them, the whole relationship is kind of shaky. This kind of changes doesn’t last forever and creates problem in relationship at a later date. With regards to stop smoking, I think that would be a good change, even though it is caused by someone else. Sometimes, changes come due to influences of others, however best thing is to change to better yourself. Love makes you a better person, I strongly believe in it, so sometimes you do better stuff for others just because you are in love and many times you develop a different approach to the life, just because you are in love. That is a change too but not caused by anyone, but your state of mind. This could be really good thing. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 i think its a personal decision ... for instance ..... my bf is not much of a communicator .. he has been this way his entire life- it bugs the ever living heck out of me..and i have asked him to change and make an effort to talk to me more when he has things on his mind- he is making that change.. for me.... is it hard for him? yup it sure is... but sometimes when you are in a relationship with someone else you have to make little compromises and changes - on the other hand my BF has asked me not to question him so much when he does start opening up to let him go at his own pace- its hard for me not to question and nag - thats who i am... am i changing for him... absolutely... is it hard... absolutely- you have no idea how i want to ask and ask and why ..and when ... but i dont ... Now, there are certain things that i'm NOT comfortable changing ... for instance.. my political or religious views- i'll listen to your ideas...but i dont think i could comfortable change that aspect of myself... i think those kinds of things are more personal to each individual. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 People can be motivated to change. Motivation is a powerful agent for change. For example, take the smoking example. Someone may smoke, know it's bad for them, but still tell themselves it's not so bad or they'll quit later. Then they meet someone they really love, who is allergic to smoke and says I can't live with you if you smoke. So they are motivated to quit smoking because they know they can't smoke around their partner. They didn't MAKE the person quit, they motivated them. People's motives change all the time so it is hard to tell if the change will stick. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. i've also seen cases where people do genuinely quit drinking or doing drugs when their partner puts their foot down and says they won't live with an addict. The addict wants the partner enough, they are motivated to quit. After they quit, they may see the benefits of staying sober, so the motivation now becomes i need to stay sober because i feel better now and am no longer sick or hungover ever day. So it's not a black and white situation... partners can be the stimulus for change, but can't make the change stick unless the partner wants it to stick. Link to comment
Rising Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 My ex stopped smoking and using drugs when we got together because she recognized that it bothered me and she knew that it probably wasn't in her best interest to continue down that road. I didn't tell her "Don't do that anymore" but I made it clear with my actions and words that it didn't make me happy. Ex. If she smelled like smoke I didn't really want to be physically close to her until it faded. I think it's only natural that two people will make small changes for one another as part of the compromise that is a relationship. I don't think going into something demanding change is necessarily the best way to effect the changes we want in someone else though. Communicating about the things that are important to you and being clear about your needs in a relationship can let the other person know how you feel about these things. If the other person isn't willing to make a change that would help bring the couple closer together then it may be a sign that things wouldn't work out in the long run. That being said, there are things that are fundamentally important to a person and making a sacrifice for the sole purpose of pleasing your partner may lead to resentment/unhappiness. I guess we have to pick our battles and make concessions where we can. -Rising Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 One of the first things I did after my hard core vegan g/f and I broke up was to go out and eat a huge rare steak, potatos smothered in butter and washed down with quanities of beer and tequila. I even had a ciggarello too (though that made me sick). However, sometimes other peoples coercion can be used to help us. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 People should never have to change for anyone. It's all about 'acceptance' and if you can't accept this person for who they are, ie: some of their behaviours, habits, etc...then you should reconsider being with this person. You can very rarely change a person....they have got to want to change, for themselves. Some will make an effort and do change, but most will end up resorting back to old behaviours, habits. Just my take anyway... Link to comment
knightingale Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 All very great posts and insight. Thanks to everyone who replied! I think I'm more inclined to agree with D-Lish on all of this, but I do think that who you are with can be a motivation to change something that isn't good for you as well. In the end, it has to be a change you are making for you and only you. Link to comment
Lauren8785 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Honestly, if he truly likes you he will accept you for you, not want you to change! To play devil's advocate: Is there a habit he has that perturbs you? If he wants you to change something, then find something for him to change as well. Hey it's only fair! Work on changing these habits together, BUT ONLY if its truly something each wants to change about themselves tho. Not so much cuz the other person wants them to. If not, then I guess its better to part ways, and I think its pretty shallow to dump someone because of a flaw. Nobody is perfect and nobody ever will be. Just my two cents. Take it or leave it Link to comment
Lauren8785 Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 People should never have to change for anyone. It's all about 'acceptance' and if you can't accept this person for who they are, ie: some of their behaviours, habits, etc...then you should reconsider being with this person. You can very rarely change a person....they have got to want to change, for themselves. Some will make an effort and do change, but most will end up resorting back to old behaviours, habits. Just my take anyway... You said it women Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 I believe people shouldn't change for the other person. That leads to nothing but spite, false identity, and building a life around another person. They should feel the need to be a better person because of the other person. That's real romance. Love is wanting to be the best you can be for someone, yet feeling comfortable enough to just be yourself also. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Changes have to come from within your own convictions. A loved one can have an influence on how you view things, so change can be permanent if your perceptions change. However, changes are not likely to be permanent if you are only changing to please the partner. If a person consumes a lot of alcohol and then stops in order to please the partner, the minute things get rocky in the relationship, the bad habits will begin again because change was only done for the partner. People, be they partners, friends or strangers, can end up having an influence on how we view things...it is taking what we learn from others and absorbing them into our world view that allows for more solid changes...it is an internal change rather than simply a surface change. Link to comment
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