How to REALLY let go?

[TheButterfly]

I really, really want to let him go, but I have no idea how to actualy do it. I've done all I can think of, but still i'm trapped in the vicious circle of thoughts in my head.

 

In regards to the old relationship I have:

* forgiven him for leaving me for someone else.

* forgiven him for not even trying to work it out.

* wished him every happiness in life, whoever he's with.

And all of these things I truly mean with all my heart. He was a very special person who deserves the best in life. (But he handled this situation terribly!)

 

And for me I have:

* carried on with my life

* started dating and meeting new people

* I no longer imagine him in my future

* I'm making future plans for myself only

 

But, I'm still haunted by the knowledge that I lost someone I really loved and wanted to spend my life with. There's a bit of regret in there too. Could I have done things differently etc...

 

This post was prompted by a thread in the getting back together forum: and the below post was made in response to MissKitty16's question about letting go. Page 3. I realise now that i'm just faking 'letting go'. I'm still holding on. I still care and worry about the outcome of all this, will he change his mind, did he ever really love me etc... I also keep thinking about his new relationship. How do I stop the negativity and let go?

 

This is exactly my point. By letting go I mean really letting go. It doesn't matter if he knows or not. This is the law of nature. When you don't let go, you are constantly worrying and double guessing and basically sending negative thoughts and energy if you will, out there. So you are unknowingly attracting more negative things to you. When you really let it go (no longer think and worry about it in a negative way, you might still think about it but you basically don't care about the outcome) and you start to feel better about yourself then you are doing the exact opposite and thats when it happens. By then you may not even care anymore which is the best feeling. Feeling of power and being in control!

 

I hope you don't mind me using your quote Tabbi.

[kuhl282000]

Butterfly .......

 

Get a cup of coffee and listen to this all the way to the very end .....

 

link removed

[TheButterfly]

Butterfly .......

 

Get a cup of coffee and listen to this all the way to the very end .....

 

link removed

 

 

Great sermon. But I'm still stuck on how to let go. I really want to, and I know I need to.

 

I've boxed up every memory of him and us. He's not in my life. And yet, I keep wondering ....

[Daegas]

The only way I could find to stop my thoughts was to actively say "whatever" whenever she started to enter my mind, and to focus on something else. It is very hard, especially during times when there isn't much to do (waiting on a train). You achieve focus by actively experiencing something around you (sound, smell, touch, etc.).

 

Also, that you really loved him, wanted to spend your life with him, etc. is just not relevant and only cause you to think more of him. He is gone, end of story. I too at times find myself fantasizing how great our lives would be if she had just stayed, but I redirect these thoughts to how wonderfull my life is going to be with another girl I am interested in.

 

The point for me is to ban my thoughts of her entirely.

[butterflyclo]

I think that the worts part of letting go is the pressure to let go- from ourselves as well as others.

 

I have been divorced almost 4 years and have only recently started to let go- its a process that happens when you are ready, you cant force it at all. At the same time aknowledge that you feel the way you do and allow that. Its ok to feel sad and to miss them sometimes.

 

What I found really helped me was that book "The New Earth". That book allowed me to see that most of the time it is our ego's that feed these horrible thoughts into our minds and the ego makes you miss that person because the ego uses that 'missing' element against us and makes us feel sad, rejected or lonely. If you have the awareness that it is the ego that causes havoc with our emotions half the time then it makes things just that more easy to deal with.

 

Im not saying that it is purely just your ego making you hurt because I know that it goes far deeper than that. You and he obviously had a soul contract that has come to an end and even though it is very sad try to focus on the great gifts that you got out of that relationship.

 

What I found helped me was to break contact with the ex and to stay busy- sitting at home alone with your thoughts is a killer. Also cry..I found that crying was a great relief for me in my journey towards letting go. And trust me it is a journey, of great self discovery where you will be the victorious one at the end!

[atelis]

just let yourself heal in good time. i found no matter what i do that i can't force myself........i need to go through the full grieving process. But i genuinely think that as humans, we are wired to keep progressing and to seek happiness and that's what keeps us moving forward. it may take us all differing amounts of time to do it, but you will prevail.

[nutbrownhare]

You don't say when you actually split up, but in terms of not hanging on unnecessarily you are doing all the constructive things.

 

At the end of the day, though, time (and grieving) are the great healers, and you really can't rush this. It's pants, I know, and all of us wish that there was a button you could press and all that pain would just vanish.

 

But as Butterflyclo says, this is a voyage of self-discovery and you WILL emerge victorious in the end!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The important thing is that you are taking actions to move on with your life and not factor him into your future. Feelings are a whole other matter...you can't will them to go away, they will either stay with you forever or they will slowly fade away over time. Just keep your mind focused on your actions and your life and don't dwell on the feelings...try to push the feelings to the back of your mind and let your mind focus on the present and your own future goals. There is no quick fix...some people just feel more love for someone and it doesn't disappear as quickly for them as for others.

[jasper01]

It hasn't really been that long yet. No need to rush yourself. What you went through was deeply wounding.

 

The chances that things are going to work out for your ex are extremely low. I know that may not help right now, but I have seen this happen, and what happens to folks who go down this path. You may look back on this in the future and thank heaven he didn't stay with you when you see where his life goes.

 

To let go, you need to begin to think of this as a death. In a way, it really is. The person you knew and believed in is gone. If it really was a death, you wouldn't feel so much like you needed to move on. That is more a reaction to the rejection, the wanting to erase what happened. The way to let go, paradoxically, is to hold on. Remember how much you miss him, the person he was, the love between you. It will bring up a lot of pain. But in the bringing up of the pain, your attachment dissolves eventually and you are left only with the love. The love does not hurt, only the frustration of the lost attachment. But it does take a while. And the longer we try to shut out the feelings of it, the longer it takes.

[majord23]

A very simple method which works in numerous situations involving stress.

 

If a thought enters your head that makes you feel bad (in this case about your ex), imagine a bomb being dropped on the thought and exploding it.

 

EVERY time you find yourself dwelling on something 'detonate' the thought. It does work, trust me.

[journogirl]

butterfly...have you watched or read something called "the secret"

i cannot recommend this enough! x

[ycmanvs]

Letting go is easier than you think if you take one day at a time and you stop thinking and focusing and evaluating if you are letting go. Some days will be very good and others will be horrible, but there is always a new day and a new feeling.

You seem to be doing all the right things. There is no time limit to letting go. Just live your life. Enjoy as much of it as you can. When you start to have negative thoughts, give yourself a few minutes to feel them, then focus on something else.

Talk to a friend. Go for a walk. Go to a museum. Keep your mind occupied. Do a crossword puzzle. Learn to knit. Anything to keep busy.

Sooner or later, you will be free of the hurt and the thoughts of your ex.

You will let go when you least expect it.

[TheButterfly]

Butterfly .......

 

Get a cup of coffee and listen to this all the way to the very end .....

 

link removed

 

Really great sermon. Thank you for posting that. It was inspiring.

 

He is gone, end of story.

 

Unfortunately you are very correct.

 

What I found really helped me was that book "The New Earth". That book allowed me to see that most of the time it is our ego's that feed these horrible thoughts into our minds and the ego makes you miss that person because the ego uses that 'missing' element against us and makes us feel sad, rejected or lonely. If you have the awareness that it is the ego that causes havoc with our emotions half the time then it makes things just that more easy to deal with.

 

There is definitely an element of rejection/ego at work here. As you say, not the whole story, but an important element that I should look into. I will try reading the book you recommend.

 

This is a voyage of self-discovery and you WILL emerge victorious in the end!

 

Yes, this is true. Life in general is going really well and i have lots of exciting plans which will hopefully start paying off soon.

 

just let yourself heal in good time. i found no matter what i do that i can't force myself........i need to go through the full grieving process. But i genuinely think that as humans, we are wired to keep progressing and to seek happiness and that's what keeps us moving forward. it may take us all differing amounts of time to do it, but you will prevail.

 

Thank you. You're right, it is a process. I think i've been too academic about it trying to force my way through the steps.

 

To let go, you need to begin to think of this as a death. In a way, it really is. The person you knew and believed in is gone.

 

The way to let go, paradoxically, is to hold on. Remember how much you miss him, the person he was, the love between you. It will bring up a lot of pain. But in the bringing up of the pain, your attachment dissolves eventually and you are left only with the love. The love does not hurt, only the frustration of the lost attachment.

 

I look forward to the day when I can remember what we had and simply smile. There are still nights when I cry, there are still haunting dreams. I try to stop myself as much as possible, so maybe I need to embrace the sadness a bit more.

 

Feelings are a whole other matter...you can't will them to go away, they will either stay with you forever or they will slowly fade away over time.

 

I suppose this is a blessing in disguise. I wouldn't want the good feelings to vanish overnight so I shouldn't expect the bad ones to either.

 

A very simple method which works in numerous situations involving stress.

 

If a thought enters your head that makes you feel bad (in this case about your ex), imagine a bomb being dropped on the thought and exploding it.

 

EVERY time you find yourself dwelling on something 'detonate' the thought. It does work, trust me.

 

I'll try this. Sounds weird though!

 

butterfly...have you watched or read something called "the secret"

i cannot recommend this enough! x

 

I'll definitely give this a go. I need as much positivity in my life as possible.

 

Letting go is easier than you think if you take one day at a time and you stop thinking and focusing and evaluating if you are letting go.

 

You will let go when you least expect it.

 

I expect this is true. They always say that when you let go of something, it appears in your life (but not always in the form you intended). I suppose I need to 'let go' of 'letting go'.