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Best Guy Friend vs. Ex...Help


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I need advice/input on my soap opera love life...


Trying to decide between my best guy friend, we've gone back and forth liking each other for YEARS (since 2001!!) vs. my recent ex who I dated for 1.5 yrs, loved with all my heart, and thought I would marry, but he broke up with me in May due to fighting/my anxiety/very different personalities that were both complementary and clashing.



First, the best friend. My best guy friend and I met for the first time at a mutual friend's party, a month before college. Found out we were going to same small, private college (2,500 students). Attraction was very strong, but I was still with my high school sweetheart. HS sweetie dumped me December of freshman year for another girl, so my guy friend and I slowly started hanging out, dated for two months, then he broke it off - he noticed I was still grieving over my ex.


After the initial awkward post-breakup, we remained friends. Then, he fell in love and dated a girl junior and and first half of senior year...until she broke up with him (she was very religious, wanted to marry/kids right away, he didnt). He was devestated. He contacted me the night of the breakup, saying "the moment she walked out the door, the first person I wanted to talk to was you. We starting hanging out a lot, attraction again was strong. We'd talk for hours, stay up all night, laugh until we cried, cuddle, kiss, etc. It's always been a strange mixture of being really nervous/strong crush on him, yet feeling totally comfortable with him, too, like I could completely be myself...goofy, dorky, all of it. I finally got the guts to tell him how I felt...he said I was beautiful/awesome/funny, but he didn't have the same desire to date me (was still getting over ex, mainly). I was crushed. We didn't speak for nearly 10 months.


Shortly after the rejection, I met a guy, dated for a year and a half. He was an absolute sweetheart, so kind, loyal, with a heart of gold. Absolutely loved his friends and family. Finally felt I was over my ex guy friend. But we fought a lot over different things, had very different personality traits. Plus, I have anxiety/depression, too, which definitely wore on him. (I nagged/criticized/over-reacted a lot) He broke it off in May 2008 - bawling, sad, but saying he no longer knew how to "fix us." My heart was completely broken...


Now...this summer...my old guy friend has re-entered the picture. He says after I started dating my recent ex, he realized he was a complete idiot for not pursuing things with me back in 2006. He says I'm "everything he's ever looked for" in a woman, that I was "right under his nose" but hadn't realized it/was too blinded by his ex. He says he's never felt such a strong connection with anyone else in his life - not even his childhood best friend.


It's so hard, because we can talk for hours, make each other laugh like crazy, shared passion for being creative, and we're both musical. Our chemistry and connection is undeniably strong...everyone notices. But ...I miss all the stable, mature qualities in my ex. My guy friend is still really struggling, financially. He's in debt, and not overly ambitious with establishing himself in a career. He's very "one day at a time." I also worry we're TOO similar...we both can be impatient, anxious, scatter-brained. It feels like the blind leading the blind sometimes. My ex was very calm and steady, very financially mature/wise. It felt comfortable. And his interest in engineering, fishing, outdoors...kept me intrigued, even if it was very different from my lifestyle.


Anyways...do I choose passionate love with my best guy friend whom I share loads in common with, even if it means risking being poor, unstable/uncertain, possibly driving each other mad with our similar personality vices? We're both complex people with layers, family drama, etc.


Or... do I try/hope to reconcile with my ex...whom I share little in common with, but his differences intrigue me/open up a new world...he's also very financially stable, mature, very loving, normal/stable family, etc.


The Guys in a nutshell:

Guy #1 (The Best Friend)

Pros: Studio art major. Creative. Yet, athletic (baseball, pitcher in college). Funny as hell. Musical - plays guitar, harmonica, sings. (like me...I sing on the side, play piano, learning guitar currently) Huge animal lover - like me. Conflicted family life. Anxious (like me, again). We're extremely similar in personality.


Cons: bad with finances (3,000 in credit card debt), college grad but works for 10.00/hour at airport, going back to school to be an art teacher (low salary), lives at home with parents (can't afford to live on own)


Guy # 2 (The Recent Ex)

Pros: Engineer (good money). Ambitious. Very impressive knowledge of science and history. Can fix just about ANYTHING. Recently became a homeowner. Extremely kind, generous, very close to his brother and parents - very stable, kind, and adorable family. Laid back, which calms my anxiety.


Cons: Very different tastes in music, sense of humor often doesn't match mine. Very logical and technical, very different taste in music than mine, can't spell and doesn't like to write (I'm a writer)

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Hey mate

Seems like the only Con of going for your best friend is the money thing. I broke up with my ex, and i'm now with my best guy friend. I have never had this connection with any guy i've ever been with. The friendship behind us makes everything stronger. We know everything about each other from being besties for about five years.

Jay (bestie turned boyfriend) and I are VERY similar personality wise, both stubborn and hot headed at times, so that can be fun we we have our little debates, but because we're both so caring towards each other and hes a bit older (im 23 he's 27) we have the maturity to know when enough is enough.


I wish you all the very best luck. I will leave you with one thought tho, and my Mum said this to me with the last ex I went back to. she said to me "Kate, you are exes for a reason." You know what? she was right. If your guy left you for something "Better" (in his eyes) Who's to say he won't do it again? Whereas your bestie loves you for you. I would want to be with Jamie(jay) even if we lived in a cardboard box.


Again, best of luck xox

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I agree with Gratsy. If neither of them are the right guy, then go and find the *Right Guy*. Sounds like you've had a good few ups and downs with these men. Whats the rush as far as getting into another relationship? Why not have some *you* time and clear your head? Go away for a girls weekend and just enjoy YOU.

Also, don't let money rule your love life. If he's the right guy he's the right guy. If you're so worried about being rich or poor, why don't *you* go get a high paying job?


Best of luck let us know how you go xox

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