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Carry on, carry on

CynicalGuitarist

By CynicalGuitarist
in Suicide & Self-Harm

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CynicalGuitarist Proficient

CynicalGuitarist

Posted
Posted

I've decided I've gotta do it. Every day gets worse and more pointless than the last. Work work work. My life has been nothing but trite redundancy and wasted energy. So what if I know some slightly complicated words? That doesn't make ANYTHING better. I try %110 at anything I do, and that's nothing more than wasted energy 'cause the results always end up the same as if I didn't try.

 

There's nothing good I can say about myself. I'm a horrible person; a big mistake. I've done nothing beneficial for anybody (including, but not starting with myself). I'm nothing but a waste of resources. Even my baby niece hates me; she doesn't even want me to touch her. Sadly, all these problems are my fault. Even worse, I can't just undo the bullcrap I made like people have told me I could; life doesn't work that way. I would need a time machine to improve my life.

 

My life's nothing more than one big lie. I'm lied to on a daily basis, and it's ironic that this bothers me because I cannot even begin to tell anyone how much "real life" sickens me.

 

I feel like Pink from "Pink Floyd's The Wall" where he tries to care for the wounded rat, but when he goes to check back up on it, he finds it dead. I feel like this everyday with every thing I do.

 

What I really wish I could do is go to Seattle and train with him link removed , but I don't have NEARLY enough money to do so. UGH, I HATE HATE HATE my voice (ironic, because my greatest dream is to become a famous vocalist in an art/prog-esque band). It's awful even listening to myself talk. I literally sound retarded, and it makes me wanna cry (but I can't, I don't even know how to cry anymore).

 

Don't get me wrong, I hate god too. ANYONE, given omnipotence and omnipresense can do a better job (if there even IS a god) than this sphere of crap called planet Earth.

 

Foolishly, I'm still alive because I have unrealistic hope that my life MIGHT actually improve. I can't wait for the world to end, even if it drags me down too. Supposedly, the "Lucifer Project" (look it up, people) is gonna wipe out most of the population, and if it IS true, I hope I'm one of them. I don't want this life anymore. I want to be NOTHING. I want to feel like I did before I even existed in the first place, 'cause feelings are nothing more than a curse.

 

Too much to bear? Sooooo negative that it's ruining your honky-dory day!? That's ok, just gaze at my avatar for a bit, forget about the post I just wrote, and have a cookie. you'll feel better.

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thejigsup Experienced

thejigsup

Posted
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God made the world imperfect so that it wouldn't be heaven. I do believe we are judged on how and what we do with what we have been given. Sometimes our life path does not become apparent to us until later in life. Just be good to yourself and others in the meantime, even if they are not always good to you. Be the best you can be without excuses or complaints and life will work out for you. If your dream is to go to Seattle, work towards that goal. Anything as simple as relocating is possible. It isn't rocket science. Save what you can, even if it takes you awhile. Nurture your dream and stop being your worst critic. Go with what you love and good luck to you!

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Daligal83 Mentor

Daligal83

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I'm sorry that live has been so rough. Sometimes it can be almost impossible to see the silver lining. While reading your post, the thing that stuck out to me is that you seem to feel like you have no importance in this world. Well I noticed something. You are a silver member here. That means that you have given people advice that has helped them and they have recognized you for that. To me, helping someone when they are in need is one of the most meaningful things you can do. And you've done it enough to earn "silver member" status. This means that you ARE important in this world. You are helping people. Keep it up!

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AnotherBrokenDoll Mentor

AnotherBrokenDoll

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You know what. You are 100% right. Life does suck. It hurts like hell. It rips you apart. It makes you wish you werent here. But i'm telling you right now there COULD be more to life if you LET there be.

 

You said two things that in my world contradict each other. That you give 110% and that you are a horrible person. The two don't go. If you do your best thats all you can do. Thats all anyone should expect of you.

 

I know how much it sucks to want to do something so badly and simply not have the money for it. But it just gives you something to work towards. Its hard as hell. You feel like breaking down half the time but you still keep going. This proves that you ARE strong. That you can make something of yourself. So let yourself. Be PROUD of what you have accomplished. Be proud that you never gave in. That no matter how hard life seemed you kept going. You kept on fighting. That in itself is something great.

 

No one knows exactly how you feel because quite frankly no one is you. But at the same point you are NOT alone. People have been where you are and they have pulled out. You can do it too.

 

Hope is all we have, you still have that, cling to it. Stick to it. Hold onto it. Never let it go. With hope we can change everything around. You just have to make the process towards it. It won't be easy but its doable.

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amipushy Explorer

amipushy

Posted
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Telling me I could have it worse makes me wanna kill myself even more.

 

Thanks, buddy!

 

You're negative thinking makes you worse, not the people who try to help you. Laying a guilt trip on someone who was trying to make you aware of your negative thinking is hurtful and makes them worse though. Think about it.

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CynicalGuitarist Proficient

CynicalGuitarist

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You're negative thinking makes you worse, not the people who try to help you. Laying a guilt trip on someone who was trying to make you aware of your negative thinking is hurtful and makes them worse though. Think about it.

 

Even worse than the guilt trip that everyone puts me through forcing me to be alive in a life I didn't want in the first place? I'm just sick of all the "well, hey, it could be worse!" Would you tell that to a blind man, saying "well, hey, you COULD be living in Rwanda!"? To me, it's just a cop-out kinda cheap shot against the person you're telling it to.

 

I miss that stuff, man. Too bad the job I just got drug tests. I wouldn't take it, but I'm desperate for money at this time.

 

The song's classic, but music only provides brief relief.

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AnotherBrokenDoll Mentor

AnotherBrokenDoll

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People here are trying to help you. You obviously wanted some help or guidence or something or you wouldn't have posted here in the first place. Maybe you just wanted someone to care and listen which you got but now that people care you have insulted us and not really listened.

 

You are seeing the bad parts of life. You chose to see those parts. If thats the way you will always be then your life will never improve. Only you can make a decision to change the way you think. Everyone needs the days when they just see the bad parts. Everyone needs to complain at some point but doing so every day will do nothing good.

 

If you chose to look around and see the world differently to what you have been you could be surprised by the amount of good in it. Theres always a reason to live, we just have to find it.

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amipushy Explorer

amipushy

Posted
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Even worse than the guilt trip that everyone puts me through forcing me to be alive in a life I didn't want in the first place?

 

None of us are here because we chose to be and nobody is forcing you to do anything. You live the life you were "forced" into because you choose to live it, just like the rest of us. And when things get too much, some of us post in suicide forums and the rest of us support the others in suicide forums because they know how they feel.

Get it now?

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CynicalGuitarist Proficient

CynicalGuitarist

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People here are trying to help you. You obviously wanted some help or guidence or something or you wouldn't have posted here in the first place. Maybe you just wanted someone to care and listen which you got but now that people care you have insulted us and not really listened.

 

Told you all that I'm a bad person. This proves it. I'm no good at all.

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tina-rocks Contributor

tina-rocks

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Your not a bad person at all and I'm not going to say it could be worse cause in your case it couldn't. You want to kill yourself.

 

Look I know this is hard for you but you are not alone in feeling this way as there are thousands of people struggling one way or another to deal with life. Not saying they are worse than you just the result of their problems leaves them feeling the same way. We all have these sorts of thoughts at times but we have to live still with them.

 

You know why we live with them because there are others that do care for us or need us and it is because of them we survive.

 

You need to sit and chill for a while and just let the weight of the world fall to the floor. Just for a few wonderful moments of clearness. Do that and you will feel relieved.

 

Seriously I know you struggle I have read your other posts and I feel for you but you have to stay strong. I am and half the time I want it to end when I'm so down but neither of us will be doing anything like that as we care for the ones we would leave behind.

 

 

 

 

 

Told you all that I'm a bad person. This proves it. I'm no good at all.
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