Where do I stand?

[whatamidoing]

At 26, you'd think I'd have plenty of relationship/breaking up experience. I don't. I was with a guy for 9 years (16 year old to 25). We divorced last year. In February I met this great guy and we started a relationship. He was everything I dreamed of (can be very romantic, cooks, honest, great in bed, loves my dog and several other great thing)...except that he has some serious diareah of the mouth and...insults me... a lot.

 

So we broke up, 5 days ago. We were together for 7 months and the last 2 months I felt like a dog with my tail between my legs. I told him I loved him at some point, which he promtly denied (I never said it again). The last couple weeks of the relationship, he didn't "want" me anymore. Never said it, but he certainly didn't pursue it or even want it when I pursued.

 

So again, we broke up. It was a sad break up. He doesn't know if he's capable of loving anyone. He told me that he wanted to love me. That I'm the girl of his dreams and he doesn't want to loose me, but he knows that this is not fair to me. He wanted to be the man I deserved. And he wishes me only happiness and that I find the guy who'll treat me as I deserve to be treated.

 

Then on Monday (2 days after the breakup) he called crying. He said he made a big mistake. He knows we need a break, but he wants to eventually work things out. He still doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want me to start dating yet. He doesn't want to start dating either. I told him I only want him, but that I need time. That I sincerely cared for him, but couldn't handle the insults and wasn't sure if I could ever trust him again or if I was willing to give him another shot. The conversation ended well. Gave me the butterflys all over again. Then I call him 2 days later and he's cold...cold! He doesn't seem to care at all. This is what the whole relationship has been like. He can be the most romantic, caring man who looks at me like I'm the most important woman in the world. Then he can be a total ass who could care less.

 

So what the hell? What do I do? I'm not going to sit around in relationship pergatory...not single and not with anyone. Not that I want to start dating already, but it's just the feeling of not being certain where I stand. Not being sure how he feels about me. Do I wait for him to make up his mind? i haven't made up mine.

[Zeitgeist]

Even if he acts lovingly at times, if he is also insulting you and putting you down, then he is confused. And you should not stay in a relationship for very long with someone who is confused and shows no sign of becoming less confused. Never put up with someone who won't treat you the same way you would treat him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why not take matters into your own hands and vow never to let this guy back into your life...don't you deserve better than someone who insults you...no matter how romantic he CAN be, that doesn't change the fact that he insults you. Abusers typically act romantic one minute and then cold, heartless and emotionally/verbally and or physically abusive the next. Get out of this cycle now before it gets worse.

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with "CAD."

 

Also, take some time to be by yourself.

[deang]

I'd say that you should take a step back from this for now. You shouldn't accept the insults and he needs to do some soul-searching to change his behavior if he wants you back. Let him show you while you get on with life. Maybe he'll show you more respect when he knows he can't treat you like that and that you are fine without him.

[Caterina]

I agree with CrazyaboutDogs...trust me, it only gets worse from here with a guy like this.

[whatamidoing]

Thank You for the advice. Just to clarify, I don't intend to start dating anytime soon anyways. I do need time for myself. It's easier this time than the first time being by myself and I know I can make it.

 

There are some details that make this hard. I live with his best friend who also happens to be my cousin. I moved to Fort Collins, first because I hated living in Florida and wanted to travel (happens in young divorcies), second because I met this guy the first time I visited my cousin and that's when we hit it off. So...he was a definate push in my decision to move here. I don't have any friends other than my cousin. Yes, because I spent all my time with this guy, but also because I have a very lonely job with only 4 coworkers and 2 of them are my boss, the other 2 are in 19 and 20. I need to find some sort of extra curricular activity.

 

Everything I do here reminds me of him.

 

I never thought that I would ever be with a minipulative, emotional abuser. I deserve better and know it. He really took everything I was sure I was good at and made me feel like I wasn't...or at least that he was better at it. And I guess I am stronger than that, that's why I broke up with him. Then why...why do I still want to be with him? I know this sounds typical and really stupid, but I see more in him than this. There's something that tells me he really does love me. How stupid is that?

[Zeitgeist]

I never thought that I would ever be with a minipulative, emotional abuser. I deserve better and know it. He really took everything I was sure I was good at and made me feel like I wasn't...or at least that he was better at it. And I guess I am stronger than that, that's why I broke up with him. Then why...why do I still want to be with him? I know this sounds typical and really stupid, but I see more in him than this. There's something that tells me he really does love me. How stupid is that?

It's not stupid. It's human nature. You've created an image of the man you hope to someday be with and you hope that somehow he is that person. Maybe you're right. Maybe does have that potential. But does it really matter one bit? As long as he fails to live up to that potential, he is completely wrong for you. And you should not be with him or even have him in your life until he does.