Is my ex actually happy for me?? If so, he sucks!

[septembermourning]

I had a nightmare roller coaster relationship with a guy for 1 year who was insensitive and cruel. Then the next year was spent with him trying to get back together when of course he was not interested in someone else and me never being able to do it because I would never have respected myself yet we continued to talk every day and sleep together quite a bit. He was super fickle. There were many people in that year that he was interested in but it never went anywhere. Over this two years he was always telling me how much he loved me. Of course his actions did not match. Well a few months ago I moved out of state to get away from him among other things. He was always sending me I love you and I miss you texts. For my birthday he sent me a very mushy website he had designed about how we first met. Apparently that Friday we both met someone… I knew something was different because he wasn’t returning my texts but a couple days later he resumed telling me how beautiful I was etc. sending me kisses blah blah. One night I confronted him and found out he was dating someone he was excited about… so he had been sending those texts after he met her. COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE and trying to keep me as his Plan B as usual! Now, I have been dealing with this for a long time but I guess I always thought that when I finally did find someone, meet someone it was really going to hurt him because he had NEVER had to deal w/me liking someone other than him in all that time! Well I text him that He had been replaced and that I had met someone too, etc… and what does he say? “I love you I just want you to be happy and I am happy you like someone” It made me SO ANGRY I felt sick. Is he affected by nothing???

 

A month went by and neither of us contacted one another. About 3 weeks in he forwarded me some stupid job which I ignored and then another week later he sends me a text in the early morning saying He is sorry he looked at my myspace page now but he’s happy for me and my new guy seems like “a nice guy” IT made me SO ANGRY AGAIN. Why does he feel the need to keep saying that? Is he TRYING to piss me off? We are not even speaking. He is the most self absorbed person I have ever met so I know he can’t actually care about another person or want them to be happy. But what really hurts is that he keeps playing martyr like he wants the best for me when all he did was ruin my life for the past two years!!! Is he really happy for me??

[majord23]

I think you need to analyze your own behaviour here.

He was insensitive and cruel, but you made the choice to sleep with him after you'd broken up and also to keep in touch with him.

 

Now you seem to be angry that you're ex isn't jealous about your new guy and that he is wishing you the best.

This isn't as much about him as it is about you. YOU made the decision to keep him in your life and it is YOUR expectation of him displaying jealous behaviour that isn't being met.

 

I know that might sound as though I'm being mean - that is not my intention. I am just trying to point out that you can only control your behaviour - not his.

 

I know you're hurting right now and I know how that feels, but this could be a learning experience....it all depends on how you wish to view it.

[Meatyka]

So from what i see, you were annoyed at him for sending you all these things. And you wanted out so you moved away.

 

But then you meet some one, he meets some one but he doesnt get jealous and wants you to be happy so you go in a rage and you dont like it.

 

Isnt this your chance to forget about your ex now?

So why the hell are you complaining.

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with Major.

You DID have an expectation of him by telling him you were seeing someone else, and when he didn't react they way you wanted him to, you take it as rejection.

If he had been a jerk and acted jealous or like an idiot, would it make you feel better?

Something tells me that then you would be angry because he wouldn't have any place to talk because 'he's seeing someone else too". So either way, the guy couldn't win. He chose to take the high road.....and maybe he isn't as much a jerk as you think he is.

He just isn't REACTING the way you want him to.

[jettison]

Oh my, he's a smart man alright. I don't envy you, but I can see why you're hung up on him. I'm sure it may affect him... a little bit. But really, if you even remotely give of the vibe that you're upset that he's not jealous or hurt then that little bit will just disappear in an instant.

 

You are so crazy into him mostly because he can play you like this and "not be affected by anything". That's where he got you. And since he knows how well that works with you, he'll never have any reason to change his stance.

[JadedStar]

finally did find someone, meet someone it was really going to hurt him because he had NEVER had to deal w/me liking someone other than him in all that time! Well I text him that He had been replaced and that I had met someone too, etc… and what does he say? “I love you I just want you to be happy and I am happy you like someone” It made me SO ANGRY I felt sick. Is he affected by nothing???

 

Wow. I agree with the others. This is about you, not him. I find your reaction to his thoughtful text to be very inappropriate and overreacting.

[Lady Bugg]

OK....I know it seems as if we are attacking the poster for feeling this way. I can see how and WHY she feels this way. This guy clearly gives her mixed signals..and has for a LONG time. I think her reaction is inappropriate ONLY because this guy is clearly not good for her and she KNOWS this. And I think THAT'S where the focus needs to be.

I think she feels betrayed because after all this time SHE should mean more to him than this.............and she should..but that is not within her control.

 

All you can do is accept who this guy IS..and not who you want him to be.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[septembermourning]

It is hard to relay on here how cruel this person was to me for a long time and yes I let him remain in my life but that is really because he would not stop calling, texting me, leaving voicemails crying about how much he loved me and then as soon as I would give in, he would go and be interested in another girl. When they didn't work out, he'd be back focused on trying to get with me. When he felt he had a chance w/one of these others he was cold as ice to me. He is a huge manipulator. His words to me about being happy for me don't match him and I guess I am not relaying it properly. I think he is underhanded and shady. Even when he is with one person, he is emailing, texting , flirting with many others so that he will never not have a plan B. He is selfish. That is why I am trying to say it is very phony when he is supposedly wishing me happiness. I guess I am coming off looking like the jerk here but without going into all the horrible things he did to me, I can see why it may look that way.

 

As for the person who told me to quit complaining... I'm pretty sure that's what this website is about-- a place to vent and seek advice. Furthermore, I'm guessing that one could very easily determine from my title that I was not happy and would be complaining so why read it?

[Lady Bugg]

SM....you just listed EVERY reason you should be glad this guy is NOT good for you. Are you addicted to drama?? Are you turned off by 'nice guys"? I am not being mean...but trying to find out WHY you wish to remain involved with this guy.

[Meatyka]

Sorry, i never meant stop complaining in a nasty way.

 

I meant stop complaining when you can use this chance to stay away from him, not talk to him by any means.

As other people have said, you need to get this guy out of your life, and you had that chance. And you still have it.

[JadedStar]

OK....I know it seems as if we are attacking the poster for feeling this way. I can see how and WHY she feels this way. This guy clearly gives her mixed signals..and has for a LONG time. I think her reaction is inappropriate ONLY because this guy is clearly not good for her and she KNOWS this. And I think THAT'S where the focus needs to be.

I think she feels betrayed because after all this time SHE should mean more to him than this.............and she should..but that is not within her control.

 

All you can do is accept who this guy IS..and not who you want him to be.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

And that is exactly why I think her reaction is inappropriate.

 

Everything you said about the guy shows that he is not the type to fall apart over you finding someone, that is why your reaction is so shocking.

[septembermourning]

I guess it hurts when someone can be so removed and devoid of feeling. Everytime I was hurt by his interest in someone else, I always thought that one day he would know how I felt and he would be hurt too once I finally moved on.

[majord23]

I understand, I really do. I know what it's like to recognise that someone is wrong for you in every way but you find it hard to let go (it's kinda like smoking).

 

You need to keep reading your own post (the one that I've quoted here). These are the reasons that you need to cut this man out of your life and take any steps necessary to do so (blocking his phone/email/myspace etc).

 

I know that you've taken active steps to remove yourself from him, but if he is persistent then you have to increase the 'severity' of your steps until he gets the message.

 

We're here to help....you may find some tough love that is hard to swallow at times but also realise that some of the people posting have (possibly) been in similar situations and beat themselves up afterwards for sticking things out. You have the control in your situation, don't lose sight of that. You are the one person that can remove the source of your pain from your life....and you're going to need to do it, but it doesn't sound like he's goung to disappear anytime soon if you don't.

[septembermourning]

I think I am being misunderstood. I do NOT want to be with this guy and I am NOT TRYING to be with this guy. I have not spoken to him in a long time and I don't respond when he contacts me... but he feels the need to contact me to point out how happy he is for me which is like nails on a chalk board to me. Honestly knowing the kind of person he is, I believe in saying these things, he is STILL trying to hurt me because he knows it hurts my feelings that he is fine with it. Why feel the need to rub it in? LIke I need his seal of approval or something?

 

You are all right, I should just let this anger go. Easier said than done which I think if you people are honest w/yourselves, it's very easy to tell someone to just forget it when you are not in their shoes. Maybe I am a selfish jerk but after all I went through and all the love and support I gave, I guess I just want him to be the one that hurts for once.

 

I have moved on MOSTLY and am dating someone new but he constantly resurfaces in my life w/some dumb email or text which I ignore. If he's so happy why won't he leave me alone?

[majord23]

I think I am being misunderstood. I do NOT want to be with this guy and I am NOT TRYING to be with this guy. I have not spoken to him in a long time and I don't respond when he contacts me... but he feels the need to contact me to point out how happy he is for me which is like nails on a chalk board to me.

 

I have moved on MOSTLY and am dating someone new but he constantly resurfaces in my life w/some dumb email or text which I ignore. If he's so happy why won't he leave me alone?

 

I understand you completely - but there are ways to stop him resurfacing if you care to use them.

 

He won't leave you alone because he CAN contact you. There are avenues that are always open (email/myspace/phone).

This guy will probably ALWAYS contact you as long as he has a means to.

 

You can block him and not have to worry about him appearing at all.

[septembermourning]

but my question is THIS? WHY does he continue to contact me? It's like he can't NOT contact me. IF he's happy for me, etc... why do I even still hear from him? I even told him the last time we spoke that "I will not be speaking to you anymore but I wish you well" That was the LAST THING I said to him. So as far as he knows, I have a new boyfriend now and I don't respond to him and I have moved on.

 

And yes you are right, I need to block him in all respects.

[septembermourning]

of course I was LYING!! lol. I honestly don't wish him well. That was another post I wrote I think. One day when I have truly gotten past all of this and have completely healed, I hope to wish him well but right now I just want Karma to get him.

[majord23]

but my question is THIS? WHY does he continue to contact me? It's like he can't NOT contact me. IF he's happy for me, etc... why do I even still hear from him? I even told him the last time we spoke that "I will not be speaking to you anymore but I wish you well" That was the LAST THING I said to him. So as far as he knows, I have a new boyfriend now and I don't respond to him and I have moved on.

 

And yes you are right, I need to block him in all respects.

 

It's natural to wonder why, it's completely normal to question his motives -but to be honest, unless he flatout tells you (which is highly unlikely), you will never know.

 

At least if you do block him, that question will slowly fade from your mind. You've said that you've been moving on from him - and that is fantastic. Now imagine how much easier that journey will be without him haunting you....

[septembermourning]

I think he just wants to keep me around as a back up plan honestly. He needs constant validation from women and I gave it to him for a long time so he still thinks he's going to get it or maybe he thought I'd text back and like the other person said, act upset that he doesn't care.

 

Believe it or not I have come a long way... I moved out of state away from him, I have stopped talking to him completely (It was VERY hard for me to ignore him in the past) and I am actually excited about someone new. I am nervous and I have my issues but I have met ALOT of guys since the ex and felt nothing. I was starting to fear I was dead inside or something... Thank GOD I finally like someone new!

 

I know I am not the first bitter woman out there following a relationship w/someone like him! I think alot of anger is at myself for subjecting myself to that as long as I did because I never EVER thought I'd end up in that situation. It truly opened my eyes to NEVER judging another person and thinking That would NEVER happen to me and I would never put up with THAT because I always said that... and it did!

[Lady Bugg]

SM.....You have began the healing process by NOT giving him any reponse.

I think personally blocking him totally is the best thing for you....but I get the impression that a small part of you DOES want to hear from him....for whatever reason.

Maybe it's more validation that YOU matter to him, than he matters to you.

Just think of your motivations for keeping him in your life..and it might be easier to eliminate it.