Hit with the "I'm gonna be single forever" blues.....

[ImThatGirl]

Why? I'm supposed to be so content with being single right? And usually am darn it.

 

My ex, daughters dad to be more specific - his fiance moved out 3 weeks ago. They started dating before I moved out and she moved in quickly thereafter almost 5 years ago. When she moved in, I realized that we'd never work things out and never thought anymore about working things out just focused on successful co-parenting.

 

So why.... why now that she moved out am I impacted with thoughts of what could be in the future?

 

And even more, harsh thoughts that seem more like reality to me that.... I will always be single. It doesn't matter who it is, what guy... I will never be the girl that someone wants to marry. I just won't. Maybe my stubbornness - more likely my independence - possibly my inability to let myself be attached to anyone because to me, that means I'll be vulnerable or open myself to the possibility of being hurt.

 

I am never willing to give my all to a relationship. To chase anyone. To make it clear I am interested in anyone. To let myself believe in a future with anyone. I was good with that but somehow... with him, stupidly, my imagination has been lively this week. It will stop. Now.

 

I should add in my ex - the one that brought me here. I've been in touch with him and he's been quite verbal on wanting to work things out and I know better. So I need to stop feeding that fantasy as well.

 

Sigh. I hate being emotional.

[CaptainPlanet]

You don't need to stay single.

 

Appearance is very important. How attractive are you really ?

 

You might have to lower your standards rather a lot, but no one truly has to be alone, usually it is a choice.

 

People with kids had re-married before and there is no reason you should not be able to. Provided you let a person that is willing, actually marry you and not chase after dreams of people that do not want you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Why don't you want to work things out with the ex, if you don't mind me asking? It seems he wants to.

 

You're pretty and have a nice personality (from how you are on here), and I think you can attract guys. But the not letting down your guard, that is an instinctive thing. I think you are partly the way you are because you guard your heart from being hurt and because you want to be strong for your kids and don't want things that can hurt you and cause you to lose the emotional strength and fortitude for your kids.

 

Dating is hard. Finding a GOOD relationship that will go the long mile is even harder.

[lostandhurt]

ITG, Trusting again is something I have been wondering about lately. I am no where near ready to date (scary) but I have been thinking that after what the ex did after so many years together can I trust a women and not constantly think it will happen again. It is baggage I don't want to burden anyone with, including myself. I am content with trying to be the best single dad I can be and getting this divorce over with. One day I hope to be able to let go and maybe meet someone. The past continues to haunt me from time to time, as it appears to do to you. You are quite beautiful so you need not worry about that. Being open to a realtionship will be the hardest part for me I think, and if we are not open then we must be closed and how will you or I ever have a chance of meeting someone if we are closed up. I wish you all the best.

 

lost

[CallingAllAngels]

Well, first of all, you have to take risks in life. You know this is not a dress rehearsal. We only go around once.

 

If you ALWAYS shut yourself out and put up your defenses, how are you going to let anyone in?

 

Life is a risk...just like the game. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

Being emotional is being human. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Hugs to you....

 

~Allie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

ITG, one thing i've discovered is that people who REALLY want to be married, get married. But that doesn't mean they are happily married. If marriage is their top priority, they will usually grab some person (any person) and get married. But that doesn't bring happiness.

 

We have a deeply held (myth) that the act of being together with someone guarantees happiness, when obviously it doesn't. So many other things come into play there.

 

And looking at it logically, right now you have your ex after you to work it out. So if being unsingle was THAT important to you, you'd be jumping on that opportunity right now.

 

So what you've really done is make the choice that being HAPPILY together is an important goal. And that is very wise. It is far better to be alone (with the opportunity of maybe finding something good) then just grabbing some available guy and getting together (and ending up in a bad relationship).

 

There is a societal prejudice that people who are alone are somehow less worthy or doing something wrong to be alone, when maybe they are just people who recognize that being with someone at all costs isn't worth the cost.

 

So quit focusing on whether you are 'destined' to be single, because you know you can solve that anytime you want if you are willing to just grab some guy (like many people do when choosing partners). It is like musical chairs for them, whomever they are with at the moment gets elected to be the partner, then they pay for that later.

 

Focus instead on making choices that will be wise and improve your life and make you happy. And you shouldn't 'settle' for someone just in the name of not being single.

 

Personally i PREFER to be single and leave my options open if i don't see a man that will really improve my life and happiness. Better to be alone and happy with my life than together with someone who turns into an albatross.

[ghost69]

it happens to everyone. i don't care who you are. everyone feels that lonely slap in the face sometime. once you let it get to you though, that's when you really lose it. it sounds like you know the emotion is sitting in a bit too deep right now. it's good to see you are going to push that away and stay firm.

[JadedStar]

I agree with your post but do not agree with the saying that most people just "grab" someone to marry. Sure "some" do but I disagree that the amount is "most" people.

 

yes, there is a societal prejudice against people who are single, but on ENA there are many posters who have a prejudice against married people. Isee the posts here all the time that say "why do you want to be married, most married people are miserable". I really object to that and find it to be false based on the married people I know. I am sure that is because there is a larger concentration of single people here who have gone thru bad relationships but the fact is I see so many people here slam married people and that is just as bad as married folks who slam single.

 

There are good and bad in each group. One is not superior to the other. JMO.

 

 

 

Your statement fails to consider that there is a good chance you could be non single and happy. Now don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with being happpy about being single. But if one doesn't want to be there eis a good chance that you could find someone who will not turn into an albatross. If you want to be single, go for it, but i would caution against remaining single just becuase you feel there is no person out there you could be happy with. You say people can get married if they want to by marrying anybody, that is true, but single people CAN find someone to be happy with also if they work hard enough. They don't have to grab whomever is available. Your statement sounds like the only reason you prefer to be single is because you do not believe there is a man out there with whom you could be happy. That is far different than wanting to be single because you just dont WANT a man.

 

If one prefers to be single, more power to him or her. But prefer to be single without slamming those who aren't. It's a trend here that people do this and not just on this topic. Older women slam younger women, younger women slam older women, heavy people slam thin people, and so on. Just because a person belongs to a certain group doesn't make other groups inferior.

 

Maybe Imthatgirl doesn't want to be single. There is NOTHING wrong with that. There are so many people on ENA who think its a dirty thing to know one doesn't want to be single forever.

[midnightrambler]

i concur with this post

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for your post... Touches home.

[JadedStar]

I just read a post by batya33 on another thread that really perfectly explains what I was tyring to convey previously. I hope she doesn't mind I cross quote her post here:

 

I find it artificial to focus on the benefits of being single because at leas to me the typical benefits people mention "freedom" or "not having to answer to anyone" are either not benefits for me or are no different when I am in a relationship. I am not free to date others, but that is not a disadvantage for me - I like the commitment I have and do not want the freedom to date others. I feel freer knowing that I have someone in my life who "has my back" and vice versa. Also that focus usually focuses on the negatives of relationships and focusing on that is a surefire way to impede finding one.

 

And the loneliness you feel right now is okay and normal. I think every single person, if they are TRUTHFUL, go thru periods like this where they quesiton if they really love being single and if they will ever find someone.

 

You'll get thru it. This too shall pass...

[ImThatGirl]

it happens to everyone. i don't care who you are. everyone feels that lonely slap in the face sometime. once you let it get to you though, that's when you really lose it. it sounds like you know the emotion is sitting in a bit too deep right now. it's good to see you are going to push that away and stay firm.

 

Think this was the shake that I needed.... But it's going to take me a day to sort through this.. Maybe even the weekend.

 

I am happy with my life. It's just not how I envisioned it.. I always thought I'd be married and all. I just came to the realization at 29 that.... maybe I won't be married anytime soon and that's okay.

 

I guess I just fear that even when / if the opportunity arises.... I will not realize it. I will miss the opportunity. I will not be able to express that yes, I am interested. I used to express myself too much. Never did with my daughters dad. While we were together, I never expressed myself. Ever. I'm sure he thought I disliked him as much as I thought he disliked me. With my most recent ex, maybe I expressed too much.

 

Maybe I don't know how to express myself anymore at all.

[annie24]

And even more, harsh thoughts that seem more like reality to me that.... I will always be single. It doesn't matter who it is, what guy... I will never be the girl that someone wants to marry. I just won't. Maybe my stubbornness - more likely my independence -

 

maybe you will meet a man who loves those things about you?

[ghost69]

i might be single forever ITG. i'm okay with that. sure i think about having someone around again. but i don't let it get to me. why have something else to worry about? i have enough already.

[Snoopy24]

You don't need to stay single.

 

Appearance is very important. How attractive are you really ?

 

You might have to lower your standards rather a lot, but no one truly has to be alone, usually it is a choice.

 

People with kids had re-married before and there is no reason you should not be able to. Provided you let a person that is willing, actually marry you and not chase after dreams of people that do not want you.

 

Sorry, but appearance doesn't matter to everyone, and no she doesn't have to lower her standards b any means.

[Dagless]

I've worried about being single forever but I just ask myself two questions; "Are you ready for a relationship?" and "Have you met someone who you want to have a relationship with?". Until I answer "yes" to those two questions I don't even think about it (well, not much).

[annie24]

it happens to everyone. i don't care who you are. everyone feels that lonely slap in the face sometime. once you let it get to you though, that's when you really lose it. it sounds like you know the emotion is sitting in a bit too deep right now. it's good to see you are going to push that away and stay firm.

 

yes, i agree, i think those are some wise words. i especially feel that 'lonely slap' when i am sick in bed, and no one is out getting me medicine or picking up some food that i am craving, or rubbing my belly. but, things aren't all bad either, i agree with 'pushing away the negative' feelings and focusing on the positives. and i think when you do meet the right man, you'll appreciate him all the more.

[ghost69]

I've worried about being single forever but I just ask myself two questions; "Are you ready for a relationship?" and "Have you met someone who you want to have a relationship with?". Until I answer "yes" to those two questions I don't even think about it (well, not much).

 

that's the toughest one.

[Dagless]

Of course if you answer yes to both questions the third question should be; "Are you sure?"

[ImThatGirl]

Of course if you answer yes to both questions the third question should be; "Are you sure?"

 

Hehe - Dagless! I was writing a response in regards to those two questions. And that was one of the things I was thinking... Step 3 has to be "am I sure" because sometimes I thought both answers were yes...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>'i would caution against remaining single just becuase you feel there is no person out there you could be happy with. '

 

JadedStar, don't put words in my mouth there. I never once said or implied that at all. And I didn't AT ALL say that marriage was bad or wrong or not preferable.

 

Of course most people would PREFER to be not single and happily married, but there are indeed many people who get married because they are afraid to be single or feel defective somehow if they don't grab someone and marry to avoid being single.

 

They see marriage as the ideal state, and think that to obtain that ideal all they have to grab someone and get married, and any person is better than no person, when perhaps they should have been a bit more cautious in whom they pick to marry and hence wouldn't be divorced and/or unhappily married later.

 

And it IS far better to be single than to be married to someone who cheats on you, or is an alcoholic, or abusive, or bores you to tears, or has nothing in common with you etc. etc. Many people are so afraid of being alone, they jump on the next person that will have them and marry, and pay the consequences later.

 

That is exactly what i meant, nothing more and nothing less.

[JadedStar]

The way your post was worded it appeared to mean exactly waht i posted about. Thank you for providing more clarity. I agree, of course, that it is better to be single then in a bad marriage but the first post seemed a bit anti marriage in general.

 

it is just a common theme on ENA for people to make others feel bad for not really wanting to be single. And when i stated that in my last post that was not really in direct response to yours, that was in general.

 

The main reason i responded was in relation to this post:

 

 

 

I wanted to add that here it is often seen a very prejudice mindset against marriage and i wanted to point that out. Not that you personally were doing it, but that married people seem to have this bias as well, especially on this site by a good handful.

[ImThatGirl]

Went to lunch with a good girl friend of mine. The issues I presented before about my stubbornness, independence, priorities are true. The concern that if I find someone I'd like to have a future in and not being able to express that due to fear is real as well.

 

But I think that ultimately, I am just shocked by the impact that my daughters dad being single now is having on me. What if and what could be questions that I never imagined having. Somehow, I have this thought that wouldn't it be so great for my daughter if... somehow we worked things out. As we never really gave it a try. I'm shuffling this all to the back of my mind "for" now. What will be... will be...

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you all for your many thoughts and knowledge. Very helpful and I really appreciate your taking your time to post and share with me.

[Dagless]

If you want something badly enough then your desires will finally outweigh your fears and you won't be afraid to reach for it.