mawfish Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 These are just some thoughts on love, obsession and broken hearts and to encourage people to please consider seeking professional medical/psychiatric/psychological help rather than suffer and suffer unnecessarily. I am not a medical professional but I have suffered long term in the past from relationship break ups. I hope this may give hope to some people and I hope I don’t get shot at for offering advice. If you are hurting I am not trying to belittle your pain, I would just like you to consider getting help if you haven’t done so already. There seem to be many people on this forum who are seem to be constantly suffering, months and months, even years after a common relationship breakup and after long periods of NC. I have a lot of trouble believing that it is a good or necessary thing or even a part of growth or healing to suffer like this. The Conclusion If, more than a month or two after the breakup, you are still thinking of your ex or associated thoughts constantly and life is a struggle because of it, and/or you are sick of thinking about your ex (or related stuff like relationships in general, why do people dump people etc etc), you are in pain a lot of the time, when you wake up, at night or in the morning you are thinking of your ex, My feeling is that This is not love. Love is wanting happiness for the other person. If that is without you – that is perfectly fine. You have your life. It may not be a measure of how much you loved your ex, it may just be a measure of how much you obsessed your ex when you were together. It is not just a broken heart It is not normal It is likely to be a psychological obsession/clinical depression. If it is, it is very likely to be treatable and you can feel a lot better quite soon. If you are obsessional, without professional help it could last for many months or even years. You could feel like this for a long, long time. If you are worried about your state of mind please see your doctor or mental health professional – and tell them exactly how you feel. Tell them if you are thinking about your ex every minute of the day. Tell them your heart and stomach ache constantly if they do. Say you’re worried about depression. Say how long its been like this. Then they can help you. Modern treatments work. Either medicinal (usually anti-depressants) or possibly cognitive or other therapy. Chances are, if you are in a long term obsessional state you will be feeling like your life is going down the drain. You may be failing studies, work or both and your friendships and other relationships may be in tatters. You can’t operate if you can’t think straight. If you get help you can get your life back. Thoughts and personal experience I believe that some people are more prone to obsessive thinking than others and some people have more difficulty than others in driving out obsessive thoughts. This may be due to differences in psychological makeup – past experiences etc or brain physiology – brain chemistry and also perhaps how people process thoughts and access memories. In my experience most feelings are thought and memory driven. I have suffered a few painful breakups and the pain and heartache I felt would just about always be preceded by a thought or memory of my ex. This was ok when I had control and choice over my thinking. But when I didn’t – when nearly every waking moment was occupied with my ex (how much she hurt me, memories of being together, how to get her back so I don’t have to feel like this anymore, what did I do wrong, I love her but I hate her, how can I stop thinking about her this is driving me nuts, I have to see her, talk to her, bring her back etc etc) – then I was overcome with pain and heartache most of the time and found it very difficult to function in normal life (perform at work, relate to friends and family properly). I believe most people who are dumped are like this for a period of time, maybe up to a few weeks or so. After that things start changing - thoughts evolve and resolve, you have choice over your thinking, you can read relationship books and work on your life as you choose, you don’t need to get back with your ex. You grow and heal. Sure, this part may take some time. The memories and thoughts could be very painful possibly for months or even years, and they could come at you unawares sometimes, but now you have some choice over your thinking and memories. You are thinking rationally, you can see things more objectively, you can properly grow and heal. In my case I’ve had a couple of bad breakups. Following the worst one I felt appalling and obsessed for nearly two years. I failed or dropped out of studies, failed in my work, drove friends and family sick with hearing about ‘her’, drifted, hated myself etc etc. Finally, and without any hope I would ever feel any better I was taken to a psychiatrist. I was prescribed anti-depressants and within a month or so I was basically fine. Anti-depressants didn’t make me ‘happy’. What they did was to calm my obsessive thoughts and allowed me to think about what I wanted to, when I wanted to. From there it was possible to learn what I needed to from the old relationship, do some new studies, start a career, have a better new relationship. Obsessing – it is just impossible. Anti-depressants didn’t change my memories or feelings – I was still very much me – they just allowed me to think rationally and have choice again. Perhaps I would have got better without them, but there was no guarantee of that and a real chance I could have acted on suicidal thoughts before then. Some people, myself included can sometimes survive by jumping from one obsession to the next. When you’re dumped – jump straight into the next relationship and obsess about her, or a new hobby or work and obsess about that. Sometimes it works, but no learning is done and chances are the crash will come at some point - and then you will need help. Anti-depressants don’t work for everyone, but they work for most people. It may also take a bit of time to find the right one for a given person. But in my case and in the case of my father (who obsessed over guilt with leaving the gate on a pool open in which my brother then drowned – before I was born) anti-depressants and professional care were probably lifesaving. I understand that mainstream non drug treatments can also be effective – but I haven’t had personal experience with these. Hang in there Link to comment
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