The Ear Of Her Best Friend

[itsnojo]

The story so far;

 

enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=243610

 

To sum up the above, let's say; we're together 7 years, she left me, (happened once before, got back together after 6 months then good for last 4 years), 12 days ago she leaves again, a complete surprise. Phew! And ouch!

 

So, I have been in touch with her best friend (HBF), in order to get hold of her boyfriend (G).He is a mate of mine but is a bit useless with phones and email. They live overseas.

 

HBF replies, and gives me her side of our story. She is a really lovely sweet person, her and my ex have been friends since they were at school. She tells me that my ex was confiding in her about being unhappy. HBF is the only person who knew things weren't OK. Bear in mind that we have not been living in same country as her for over 5 years.

 

So I am thinking about sending HBF this;

 

 

"Hi HBF,

 

Yes G did get back to me, thank you both for replying, I really appreciate it, and yes, your perspective is certainly different, mostly because all you are seeing is her being unhappy.

 

But that is your perspective, and I'm not saying it's wrong, but I think you'll agree that she wouldn't be in touch with you when things are going well, to tell you "Hey, everything's great!"

 

I'm glad that she has you to talk to when things aren't OK, you're such an amazing friend. So imagine if she had dumped you without warning? Would you want to fight to get her back?

 

If I had seen or been told that she was that unhappy, I would have done something, because I really believe in our relationship. It mostly rocked, and so did we. There are some things I now know, there are some things I need to say. But I'm not going to say anything unless it is in a context of reconciliation and communication.

 

HBF, if there is one thing you can do for me, it is this; help me create a future with an amazing woman who I love completely, who can't seem to find a way to talk to me.

 

Love,

Me"

 

 

Or something like that. Is it fair? Am I playing games? Do I trust HBF? Or do I just be cool and say thanks, I'm fine, take care, bye!

 

What do you think, o wise ENA'ers?

[Timebandit]

Or something like that. Is it fair? Am I playing games? Do I trust HBF? Or do I just be cool and say thanks, I'm fine, take care, bye!

 

What do you think, o wise ENA'ers?

 

I have only taken a glance at the previous story but... It seems obvious that there must have been some fundamental communication issues between you if she confess to a friend that she is unhappy in the relationship, but you are not aware of this. And it leaves me to wonder - how much was going on under the surface in your relationship?

 

I think there are two main points here:

 

Firstly, don't put HBF in a loyalty conflict between your ex and you

 

Secondly, I think you need to let your ex go. She tells people that you are in denial about the two of you, and she could be right. Of course her inability to communicate about herself is a contributing factor, but something doesn't smell right here.

[itsnojo]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

 

it leaves me to wonder - how much was going on under the surface in your relationship?

 

I don't know! I thought we were OK. Good all the time, great sometimes. We had a couple of fights in the 2 weeks prior to her leaving, but no biggie, I thought. They just evaporated. We got on really well. Not always loads of intimate communication, but I'm not the pushy type, I just had to trust in her that she would talk as & when she was ready to.

 

 

She tells people that you are in denial about the two of you, and she could be right

 

 

Nope. She's gone. She originally mentioned that she thought I was in denial a scant 48 hours after leaving. Well, I was still reeling, in shock, not coping, and yes, my poor brain kept trying to make sense of it. Now, I'm coping, I've got my grip back. It only took a week, not bad I reckon. Still plenty of bumps to come, but I'm on the road at least.

 

something doesn't smell right here

 

Go on...I'm listening. Do you mean that I may be holding something relevant back about myself? If so OK, I get it. Here's the thing. I'm here to heal, I'm here to get tips on how to create a new relationship with my ex. In that context, there is no point in trying to make myself look good by making her out to be the evil one. I'm not perfect; On occasion I had a tendency to diminish her, to make her feel stupid. Or I would try to limit her fun. I probably didn't comment on her appearance often enough. She told me she doesn't feel "like we're a team" and she "feels lonely". The 'aloneness' is something we've talked about before, and I am sure that that is something she needs to work on, but she is scared of talking therapy, she tried it once for a month or so.

 

Timebandit, I do really appreciate your time and input, please don't think I'm upset with you for being straight with me. I have let her go, I've had no contact at all apart from replies to her. But I want her back.

 

And I do understand about getting between her & her best friend. I'm not up for games, but I want to fight for the relationship. Should I ask the best friend's boyfriend to ask her if I can speak in confidence? Than if she says 'no' then I won't send her the email.

[deang]

I'd avoid sending the best friend anything...if someone I sent that to me I'd wonder if they were losing it and feel sorry for them but that's about it. Involving the best friend isn't going to help...even if she agreed you are again going to get her opinion on what is going on which you currently don't like. Maybe she'd tell you what you want to hear but unless your ex is telling you she wants you back does the best friends words or opinions really mean anything? It might give you hope but it also might set you up for big disappointment if the friend interprets things wrong.

[Timebandit]

Good all the time, great sometimes. We had a couple of fights in the 2 weeks prior to her leaving, but no biggie, I thought. They just evaporated. We got on really well. Not always loads of intimate communication, but I'm not the pushy type, I just had to trust in her that she would talk as & when she was ready to.

 

I still wonder how much the two of you really communicated about each others emotional state. The phrase about fights just "evaporating" sounds a bit strange. How did you handle conflicts with each other? Did you just let it pass?

 

 

 

I'm not perfect; On occasion I had a tendency to diminish her, to make her feel stupid. Or I would try to limit her fun. I probably didn't comment on her appearance often enough.

 

No, and I applaud you for thinking about the things that you could have done better in the relationship. Not to blame yourself, but to become wiser.

 

She told me she doesn't feel "like we're a team" and she "feels lonely". The 'aloneness' is something we've talked about before, and I am sure that that is something she needs to work on, but she is scared of talking therapy, she tried it once for a month or so.

 

It is not possible for me to know if her feelings has anything to do with you or with her. Perhaps a combination. ButtThe two of you not "being on the same team"? What do you think she base that on?

 

I have let her go, I've had no contact at all apart from replies to her. But I want her back.

 

No, you have not let her go. You are just not communicating with her ;-)

 

And I do understand about getting between her & her best friend. I'm not up for games, but I want to fight for the relationship. Should I ask the best friend's boyfriend to ask her if I can speak in confidence? Than if she says 'no' then I won't send her the email.

 

I think you should seriously consider if you are really going to fight this battle. If your ex does not have positive connotations associated with your relationship you have next to no chances of winning her back anyway. She has clearly expressed that she does not want to be in a relationship with you. And I think it is airly obvious, that there must have been some long running issues in the relationship.

 

I am sorry to say this - but I think you have to let her go. She has already made her mind up, and you have to respect that. When it comes to love relationships, persistence is sometimes overrated.

[itsnojo]

Hello deang and Timebandit

 

if someone I sent that to me I'd wonder if they were losing it

 

Ouch! And I thought I sounded rational. Are you serious? Losing it? Crikey, perhaps you have saved me from making it worse.

 

How did you handle conflicts with each other? Did you just let it pass?

We handled conflict by not getting personal, and not holding grudges. The rules were no "you always" or "you never" conversations. Clean it up, and move on. I'm actually proud of that.

 

Her "we're not a team" complaint is probably based on the last time she didn't get her way! Seriously, I don't think it is valid within the context of the whole relationship. But I could be wrong. I am a man after all!

 

No, you have not let her go. You are just not communicating with her

You are so right; "I have let her go. But I want her back." I'm an idiot! Thanks, I think...

 

Put it this way, I'm steeling myself for the probability that I will never see her again.

 

OK Deang and Timebandit, thanks for your input. I will not send the email to her best friend.

[Timebandit]

OK Deang and Timebandit, thanks for your input. I will not send the email to her best friend.

 

Aye. Good luck.