Relationship issues.. PLEASE HELP?

[Hank1999]

Hey.... ok so I need some serious help here. I need to fill you in on info before I start going into what the problemS(not the "S") are.

 

I am 20. I met this girl through my friend. She is 17.. she is also my friend's cousin. We started hanging out and straight from the start we got a long like no other. Along with that it seemed like we had known each other for years. She told me things she had never told anyone else. Likewise I told her stuff.

 

Now, before I get into any more details... let me say.. she was abused as a child. The big "R". Quite frequently. She never told anyone but me... and she is still dealing with the heartache constantly and the first time we made love it brought back memories of her abuse. She also has never had a solid, good relationship. 4 boyfriends and they were either physical abusers, verbal abusers, controlling or they cheated on her. She has major trust issues from these things and the trauma of her childhood.

 

I came along and am the complete opposite of her past relationships. I even give her a "long leash" and if she wants to hangout with friends I say " You haven't seen your friends for a while.. Go ahead we'll hangout some other time.". I never have questioned her or even distrusted her. However... the trust has never been returned. And that in where our issues I believe lay.

 

She recently heard (through the grapevine) that I had cheated on my latest EX. That is not true. But she heard it from three people (and they are all people who are friend's of my EX) and... needless to say.. my EX is a completely obsessive and crazy lady. I convinced her that it wasnt true. My EX has been an issue for us through the whole relationship. Until I told her just pretty much not to worry about her.. and that my past is my past and I am only looking on the future.

 

She also was really worried about starting school and not seeing me much at all. She thought feelings were going to fade.. and that our relationship was too sexual. I agreed on the sexual part and we cut that back a bit to make way for the emotional side though. She was really tripping over it and worried out. I had to talk to her about it and calm her down a lot. SOmetimes she says she thinks I'm too good for her.

 

She has now started back up school... and she has been acting somewhat distant to me. She and I had it out today. There was this guy from her work that I had thought she might have feelings for... I confronted her with it about a week ago. She told me she didn't care for him. However... today when I picked her up from work.. she had her arm around his arm. (apparently just pulling him to meet her "boyfriend"(me)). It shocked the hell out of me. But I was ok with it. But then when he went to drive off... she yelled "I'll txt you later". And that shocked me yet again.. but this time.. I was fuming.. cuz now she gave the dude her number. And since I had thought she had feelings with him before.. it really hurt me.

 

I confronted her.. she flipped it all around and made me seem like an idiot. And while I may have over reacted. I believe that I was in the right by saying something. We then went into a convo about how we feel about eachother and "us". We decided that while we "love" eachother deeply.. we dont always "like" eachother. She apparently has been questioning our relationship as well. Wondering why she is in a relationship that (even if we last a long time) it is inevitable to end and it will only cause her heartache cuz she loves me so much. I just told her that the only you can't just not do something because of the fear of "might". She told me she thinks I'm a baby. That I say some things that seem weird and that I act like a child sometimes. She also says I'm her " * * * * * ".. (in a playful way.. I don't think she was serious)... but I am NOT her * * * * * .. hahaha far from it actually. I do things on MY time and on MY terms. But still it made me think. We talked quite a while and then ended the evening by laughing and kissing.

 

I have realized... that she means the world to me.. but that sometimes I really just dont like her. I love her. I want to make things better between us because I want to LIKE her 100% of the time again and have her LIKE me 100% of the time again. Is this just not going to work for us? Am I fighting a losing battle?

[dogwood]

It's hard to tell just from reading this if things are going to work out for you two. a relationship is a complicated beast, especially when you feel very strong feelings for a person but still have issues. i wonder why you use quotes on the word love. ie. you "love" each other deeply. why do you use quotes?

 

it sounds like you both fell hard fast, which i have definitely done before - and i guess my advice is just to be careful.. try not to get wrapped up in jealousy.. and try not to judge each other so much.. which it sounds like is happening. try to maybe calm things down a bit and get to know each other as friends, and individuals more.. it will be better in the long run.

 

also, you said you love her, but sometimes you really don't like her. be careful.. sometimes we seem to mistake love for infatuation.. or we fall in love with people and then we don't really know why.. loving someone but not liking them will not end up well - ask yourself.. is she doing things that are judgemental or hurtful that you'd like her to stop? or are there parts of her that you perhaps cannot change? it's good to try and work things out, but don't try too hard to sway yourself to like someone if you can't. don't let your heart overpower your head.

 

if you think these are differences you can work out - give it a shot -talk to her about it.. don't hide these things from her. it sounds like you both have trust issues.. if you both want the relationship to work as much then things could improve.. see what happens. just be careful - if neither of you fully trust each other things will just spiral downwards - trust is a base.

 

my last ex was also a very wounded individual so to speak. Not only the big "R".. but jail, psych wards, prostitution, abusive family.. haha oh baby the whole deal. so, i know how hard it can be falling for someone who is so confused and torn up inside.

 

best of luck

[Hank1999]

Thank you! The advice helped gave me something to think about. I do need to talk to her I believe. I used "quotes" around the word love, because I wanted to singly out "love" from "like". That's all. You are right... about falling in love then not knowing why and such. It hasn't come to that but I need to be careful like you said. I have guarded myself throughout the whole relationship (not obvious to her).. but I am not letting myself get fully attached.. because of a past experience. So thus if this doesn't workout I wont be as hurt as I might have been if I went fully into the relationship. I do love her. I just need to see (as you said) see what happens.

 

Thanks again!