who wants a ready-made family?

[Lyan08]

I would HATE to be involved with a guy who had an ex-wife and/or kids. I just think it can make things complicated.

 

But I know some people don't have this particular hang-up.

 

I am pregnant and have been dumped by the father. I have 2 older children who have a great relationship with their father. I'm not looking for somebody to "raise" my kids.

 

I'm wondering what are the chances of me finding a husband who will love all my kids and want to legally adopt my youngest (whose father wants me to put her up for adoption). That would get the biological father out of the picture, I guess.

 

I just want to get on with my life. This baby girl was unexpected, but there is no way I'd give her away, yet I want her to have a father who loves her. And I really hate to be tied for the rest of my life to the baby's dad. He wants no involvement with me whatsoever. The baby isn't here yet and I guess there is a chance he'll change his mind about her once she gets here, but I have about decided that I'd rather he NOT be involved simply because he seems to have such an intense dislike for me and has spent so much time wishing this problem would disappear. I can't imagine him losing the resentment he has for me since I didn't have the abortion he wanted me to have at first. And I keep thinking he isn't worthy of her, anyway. It took me a few weeks to adjust to the idea of being pregnant with a guy who had no intention of marrying me, and I hoped for a miscarriage, but I want her now.

 

I think my ideal scenario would be to find a guy who wanted to only be a part-time husband and father. I'd rather not live with a guy while my oldest kids are still at home. Maybe a 40 year old guy (or older), set in his ways who just wants a family connection (but not the daily drudgery) and a companion and sex partner who will stay with him the rest of his life. I'm very devoted and I have a lot of love, admiration, appreciation, and affection to give to somebody who wants it.

 

I am starting to think that anyone who hasn't married by age 40 has something wrong with him, though. Otherwise, wouldn't he have already been snapped up?

[auburnslp]

OK, sorry, really sorry, but WHAT???

 

Dang, this post is slightly hypocritical.

 

You want what you won't give. Somehow that ain't right.

 

OK, step back, and consider...

 

You talk of not wanting a guy with baggage. Well sweet, you have plenty. Maybe consider a need to be more tolerant, and to accept and love someone no matter the baggage, if they are right for you.

 

Sorry, this one hits home though, because I am a guy who has made two poor decisions and am twice divorced, yet have two wonderful older sons to show for my efforts...

 

So me? Lots of baggage. You? The same.

 

Why limit yourself? If the right guy comes around, be thankful for it. And don't sweat baggage. Beacuse I hate that term. Its life experience. I for one have a great relationship with the mother of my sons. The second marriage was a huge mistake-jumped into it, lasted less than a year, and I have no kids with her and no contact and will never, so I wish I could just pretend it didn't happen.

 

I never limit myself, but here's the key-you DO have to find the complete package-the guy or girl whose "baggage" doesn't weigh them or you down.

 

That is what you should be looking for.

 

Just my opinion.

[rocio]

I am starting to think that anyone who hasn't married by age 40 has something wrong with him, though. Otherwise, wouldn't he have already been snapped up?

 

What if he didn't want to be "snapped up"? To conclude that there's something wrong with someone based on their marital status is a bit rash, don't you think?

 

In any case, by the time you're 40, you'll likely have changed your mind about divorcees and dads.

 

Regarding your original question, don't worry. You'll have plenty of opportunities at love.

[redhearts]

Well, isn't there some sort of thing where he can sign the rights off as not being the father? I mean thats kinda bad especially for a little girl to grow up without the father. But whats a little silly, no offense, is you only thinking of how you could possibly get married in the future. All your thinking of right now as it seems is how your going to be able to get married in the future and if thats possible because of your kids. You should be more focused on the baby thats coming. I hope you do things for the right reasons. But with all the dating sites there are I'm sure you can find one to write that you have kids etc. I mean I know there are some that guys write if they don't mind if their partner were to have kids already etc. So you shouldn't have any problem.

 

(sorry I'm really not trying to be mean!)

[Lyan08]

Oh, I am WELL aware that it is "slightly hypocritical". And I have LOTS more negative "life experience" than you know. Who can live to 40+ and NOT have a significant amount of issues they have had to deal with????

 

My sister married a GREAT man who worships the ground she walks on and she is a sweetheart, but FAR from perfect. He was divorced with a 7 year old son when they met. I would not have even considered meeting a man like that for coffee. If she had taken that same attitude, she would have missed her soulmate. There is a lesson there for me, I think.

 

I hate being divorced and I hate "dating". I hate being a single mother and I hate for my kids to have stepfamilies.

 

I don't know why we can't all meet our perfect match the first time around and live happily ever after.

 

This guy I got pregnant by was never married, no kids, financially stable, well educated and treated me VERY well (till he dumped me--ouch). The problem was that he wasn't in love with me and I just was keeping him company till something better came along. And he kept me from feeling lonely and unwanted after my ex-husband remarried. I compromised on things that I shouldn't have and put too much emphasis on things that maybe weren't so important in the big picture.

 

I've only dated 2 guys in the past year, since my ex found his new wife, and I didn't date anyone for 5 years after I was divorced (keeping myself available in case my ex-husband wanted to reconcile).

 

I'm pretty messed up mentally right now. I'm getting back into counseling, but I'm in my 8th month of pregnancy and a bundle of emotions and hormones. I hope things settle down after the baby comes. I really would like to know what the baby's daddy will do. He still hasn't told his family he has a baby on the way.

[Hope75]

I think the older we get and the more complicated our lives get, the less likely it is we are going to find someone with no history or previous commitments.

 

I know a few really great guys who are divorced and who have children with their ex's and play a big role in their lives, who have a lot to offer a potential partner. I also know a few single moms who are great women and have a lot to give in a relationship.

 

I think at this stage in your life with 2 kids and one on the way, to dismiss those who have been married and had children before would significantly narrow your pool of potential dating partners. And, you could miss out on a really great guy because of it.

 

Just something to think about.

 

I'm sorry your baby's father left.

[Hope75]

I hate being divorced and I hate "dating". I hate being a single mother and I hate for my kids to have stepfamilies.

 

I don't know why we can't all meet our perfect match the first time around and live happily ever after.

 

This guy I got pregnant by was never married, no kids, financially stable, well educated and treated me VERY well (till he dumped me--ouch). The problem was that he wasn't in love with me and I just was keeping him company till something better came along. And he kept me from feeling lonely and unwanted after my ex-husband remarried. I compromised on things that I shouldn't have and put too much emphasis on things that maybe weren't so important in the big picture.

 

I would guess that no one really likes being divorced. But, the reality is that it is very common and with so many marriages ending in divorce there are a lot of divorcee's out there. Just because their marriage with one person didn't work doesn't mean they are not worthy of love or marriage or that they cannot have a healthy and fulfilling marriage with the right partner.

 

Life would be a lot less complicated if everybody met their soulmate, got married, and lived happily ever after. But we all know that is not a reality. Plus, even our negative dating and relationship experiences help to shape us into better partners for the next relationship and partner.

 

Your sister is a good example for you. Think of it this way. Men who have been married before are not afraid to take that plunge, have shown they are willing and interested in that sort of commitment of marriage and family, whereas your 'single' guy left you pregnant and alone.

 

See what I'm saying?

[auburnslp]

I am sorry too. Shouldn't have come accross as harsh, but sorry, like I said, that one hit home.

 

I divorced, fought for custody, and won. I have raised my sons since they were 6 and 3, and now are 16 and 13. And they are fine young men.

 

I do not consider them to be baggage in any way. They are my greatest joy, and selfishly, my proudest accomplishment.

 

Sorry to be blunt. It's just that I happen to think that I am a decent guy, even though I realize that if you don't know me, it may seem like I have baggage, and I just hate all that.

[Hope75]

I am sorry too. Shouldn't have come accross as harsh, but sorry, like I said, that one hit home.

 

I divorced, fought for custody, and won. I have raised my sons since they were 6 and 3, and now are 16 and 13. And they are fine young men.

 

I do not consider them to be baggage in any way. They are my greatest joy, and selfishly, my proudest accomplishment.

 

Sorry to be blunt. It's just that I happen to think that I am a decent guy, even though I realize that if you don't know me, it may seem like I have baggage, and I just hate all that.

 

This is exactly what I was talking about in my above posts.

[redhearts]

I don't want to come off as the b word but it seems like your life is revolving a tad around having a guy there for you to be married and spend the rest of your life with. SORRY SORRY don't kill me for saying this but it seems you partially kept the kid on the count of thinking this guy may change his mind and want to stay with you marry you etc. Because you thought your ex may come back too, soo. But there is a lesson with hanging someone around until you find someone better, because now you got pregnant. I think you need to relax a bit though on trying to find the one.

[auburnslp]

as far as advice goes, taking my personal thoughts out of the mix...

 

If you want that, a man who has no prior marriages or children, stable, part-time dad/husband, etc., you will find just that eventually.

 

Stop wasting time worrying about this though. You have a daughter coming in a month...you have far more important things to be thinking about, for now at least.

 

Get settled in with the new baby and family situation, and then you have plenty of time to worry about your future partner.

 

There you go-and you have my best wishes as well.

[annie24]

My mom married my dad when she was 36 and had a 12 year old son from a previous marriage. My dad was 48 and never married. there was nothing really wrong with him, he was just shy. he was successful and financially secure, just kind of shy and picky when it came to women. My dad married her pretty quickly, and was really excited about having a son. he never introduced him as his 'stepson,' he always said son. He even paid for his college education. My brother's biological dad didn't offer to do that. so, some men clearly don't mind the 'ready made family.' some men do.

 

i agree with hope in that at a certain age, everyone has a past. and it's a bit hypocritical to say that if by 40, if they don't 'have a past' then there much be something wrong with them too. by those standards, there's something wrong with everyone who is 40 and above! (it may be true, i don't know, lol).

 

if i were in your shoes, i'd keep my mind open about what are the qualities that are MOST important for you when choosing your partner. if he's a good man who loves your kids like his own and is reliable, that sounds pretty good.

[piegirl]

Life as a single mother is very difficult to say the least. I have 10 year old twins and an 8 month old baby.

 

That being said it is possible to find a man who has not been divorced and does not have children. My baby's father and I live together with my twins. My twins have no father to speak of. My BF had a very hard time getting used to having children in his life on an everyday basis. I used to find myself reminding him that they were 7, 8, or

9. That yes kids are noisy and yes they do make alot messes and get sick blah, blah, blah. All those other things that we as parents from start are used to they come in later in life and it is hard on them to take it all in. It is overwhelming to someone who is not used to it then all of the sudden has 2 or 3 children in their lives. My bf used to say to me that a year ago if you asked him what his life would be like he would have said that it would be working drinking and hanging with the guys. He never expected to end with 3 kids.

 

I think that it is unrealistic to believe that you can set your standards at this level. The men that I know that are in their late 30's or early 40's that do not have children have never been married are not wanting to do either one. A friend of ours who never dates women with children decided to try it and it turned out very badly for her and her child when he left because it was more than he could handle. A man who has or has been arounf children can handle them better and know more about what to expect them. A man that has children will better understand when you have to cancel on them due to illness or a school event.

 

Good luck with your search it is a hard thing to find. I was lucky but I was not against a man wiht children in some ways that would make the adjustment to living with children and having children easier on all of us.

[Lyan08]

What if he didn't want to be "snapped up"? To conclude that there's something wrong with someone based on their marital status is a bit rash, don't you think?

 

In any case, by the time you're 40, you'll likely have changed your mind about divorcees and dads.

 

Regarding your original question, don't worry. You'll have plenty of opportunities at love.

Yes, it is rash. I tend to talk off the top of my head. And I know men and women are investing more time getting established in their careers, getting advanced educations, etc. and not all people get married in their early 20's.

 

Actually I'm 42 and just disappointed with my life where it's at. I never would have invisioned myself in this position when I got married 22 years ago.

[Lyan08]

Thanks for your comments. They are well-taken.

[Lyan08]

I am sorry too. Shouldn't have come accross as harsh, but sorry, like I said, that one hit home.

 

I divorced, fought for custody, and won. I have raised my sons since they were 6 and 3, and now are 16 and 13. And they are fine young men.

 

I do not consider them to be baggage in any way. They are my greatest joy, and selfishly, my proudest accomplishment.

 

Sorry to be blunt. It's just that I happen to think that I am a decent guy, even though I realize that if you don't know me, it may seem like I have baggage, and I just hate all that.

 

Oh, MY--I wasn't judging you in any way!!! I know there are LOTS of GREAT divorced with kids women AND children out there. I'm just thinking, based on my personality and temperment that it would be hard for me to deal with any conflicts regarding a stepchild. I am afraid I'd be walking on eggshells all the time, but maybe my fears are groundless. I guess it depends on the specific personalities involved and I shouldn't make blanket statements.

[redhearts]

Can I ask why your so set on meeting someone?

[Chibby33]

Hmmm...seems the topic hit home and hard for me as well. Ouch!

 

Divorced: Check!

40 Years Old: Check! (only since last week)

Have a Child (NEVER a baggage please!): Check!

 

Would I date someone with kids?: Absolutely!

The benefits?: We have the same lifestyle, I dont have to explain to him why I cant go out some days and neither does he.

Would I date someone without kids?: Sure!

 

I'm an equal opportunity dater!

[Lyan08]

I don't want to come off as the b word but it seems like your life is revolving a tad around having a guy there for you to be married and spend the rest of your life with. SORRY SORRY don't kill me for saying this but it seems you partially kept the kid on the count of thinking this guy may change his mind and want to stay with you marry you etc. Because you thought your ex may come back too, soo. But there is a lesson with hanging someone around until you find someone better, because now you got pregnant. I think you need to relax a bit though on trying to find the one.

I just want an adult partner in my life. Is that so bad? My kids absolutely come first till they're grown, but I just would like some adult, male companionship sometimes and to be loved by someone of the opposite sex.

 

The father of my baby is NOT "the one" for me and I knew it from the beginning. There is no way I was trying to get pregnant to hold on to him. If I was looking to marry, I'd have been looking elsewhere. I have been so shell-shocked this year, I really wasn't thinking MARRIAGE anytime soon, much less "BABY". My goodness, I was absolutely horrified to find out I was pregnant.

 

As far as my decision to keep the baby--it has NOTHING to do with the father and his actions or attitudes. I knew he was going to dump me eventually because I'm not what he was looking for long-term. I have no good reason not to keep her. I love her. I'm a good mother. Most of my family wants me to keep her. I would not only be depriving my offspring of a biological parent, I would be depriving my children of a sister and my parents of a grandchild.

 

I have days when I feel sorry for myself and my situation, but most of the time I'm focusing on my children, including my unborn daughter.

 

I am MUCH more focused on parenting than looking for a man. That might not be obvious from my post, though.

 

I just get lonely sometimes, especially when I see my ex-husband with someone, while I'm alone. I don't think there is anything sinister in desireing a husband.

[Zuzu2]

I knew someone who was a single mom with four kids. She would always tell me that the best way to get a guy who is hitting on you to disappear is to tell him you have four kids. Well, she met a good guy, who also had a daughter, and they got married. Yes, it can happen.

 

I am single, no kids, and would not have a problem at all dating or marrying a divorced man with children. I would not ever want to take over a mothering role for the child(ren) but I would have no problem with being a part of their life.

[xxNPxx]

Personality, I had interest in this girl one time, and everything was going great until she told me she had a kid. I though she was joking but she was serious! I kinda just stared at her and made a check mark in my head with a picture of her face that said: undateable.

 

But that was high school -__-

 

Nowadays I still hold the same convictions. But, you have to keep in mind that I'm 19 and still in college. Maybe when I turn 30-40 my views will change. But right now, NO KIDS NO DIVORCEES.

[KAT MOMMY]

We are adults and things happen. It would be the perfect world to find a guy with no priors, no kids, excellent career and credit, attrractive and all the other good things but we don't live in the perfect world and no one is perfect. WE are human and we make mistakes. The attitude you have IMO is very immature. You have 2 kids and one on the way so really how could you even point the finger at any man who is a Real Man that stood up and took his child(ren) with him after a seperation. You met a inconsiderate, selfish, boy and you see what he is doing to you right now-REAL TIME!

 

 

You are being bias and this may make you miss out on your blessings. I know a lot of people that are 40+ that have no kids but you better believe they got bank rolls. they are pretty much established and really though you think that a man that old will patience on 3 children that are not his own especially if he has none of his own. Be Real with yourself first and then all the other issues will vanish. Love yourself and your children-the are gifts from God. You may get blessed with a man that is able to share his life with you and you may not. My mom raised 4 kids on her on and she wanted a marriage but her kids came first and the man that she did trust and want to be with left her with lifelong baggage. So please be careful what you wish for you just may get it and not be able to get rid of it.

 

I am at the point in my life where I am concerned with getting married and my future but guess what? I still have to live regardless if it happens or if it doesn't. I am 28 and I feel as if I lived 2 lifetimes and I know that if I were to leave the only love I've ever known it would take me another lifetime to get that again. See but me-I dont have the energy any longer to focus on anyone new-if at this point I haven't found him then I will too be 40 something never married-and free as a bird to do as I plesae.

[KAT MOMMY]

Can I ask why your so set on meeting someone?

 

 

maybe BECAUSE SHE IS LONELY AND MIGHT JUST NEED SOME SUPPORT, COMPANY, COMFORT.....She's pregnant you know!---Just a thought you know

[KAT MOMMY]

I just want to ask you-Why did you hold on to the guy after you knew he wasn't serious about you?

Another thing-I want to know when's your B-day because a lot of the things you are saying is the same way I used to think about everything. mine is in July and I relaized that all my issues were coming from me not loving myself.

[yankeefan74]

My ex had two little girls that I grew to absolutely adore - and the reverse was true as well.

 

Beyond the broken heart of losing my ex - a woman I truly loved more than any woman I'd been in a relationship with prior to her - I have to deal with not being a part of her children's lives. It still tears me apart about 10 weeks later...

 

People who consider the children of single parents as "baggage" just have no idea what they are talking about. If the father or mother of these children are still involved and cause problems - that's baggage, but if the relationship is civil, there is absolutely no reason to discount someone solely because they are a single parent.

 

I'm a bit hesitant at the moment, 2 1/2 months from my breakup, to get involved with anyone...let alone a single mom again...because if you're any kind of real man, to love the woman, is to love her children as they are a huge part of her...and if things don't wind up working out, your broken heart isn't just broken from losing your girl...