I'm going crazy...please help.

[Parsley]

Hey,

I've posted a thread similar to this before, but I feel like I need to go over this again. I need you ENAers, so so much. I feel like rubbish. I have some pretty big insecurity issues, which were compounded by an ex. We were only together for like 4 months, but in that time he managed to make me feel like the queen of the world, and then pulled back sharply, contact dropped like a stone, and eventually dumped me after letting me believe my pill was the reason for my worries, not the fact that he avoided me like the plague.

 

I really really didn't think it had affected me that much. Until now. I've been with my boyfriend nearly a year and a half now, and he means the world to me. He's the nicest most genuine person I've ever met, and I love him like I never believed possible, and he loves me the same way. Most of the time I'm on top of the world! But at the moment we're in a temp LDR, we're at uni together, and it's still summer. I've seen him a few times over summer, it's been about 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I will see him again in another 3 weeks time.

 

Right. Well, I live in a very awkward area. I can't drive (can't afford lessons, tests, car or insurance) and public transport is unreliable and incredibly expensive. Most of my close friends are at uni, the ones that are here either work full time or can't be bothered to meet up when I try and arrange something. So I get stuck at home a lot. I've got a bad case of cabin fever. I'm used to seeing my boyfriend every day at uni, and I haven't adapted well to being back home. He lives in a city, a 10 minute walk from his friends, and from the city centre, so is never short of things to do.

 

This means he doesn't really contact me a lot. Sometimes it just makes me a bit sad, but other times (like now) it gets right into my heart. My insecurities go mental, my head starts telling me that he doesn't love me, he doesn't miss me at all, if he did he would want to talk as much as I do. I start reading his replies to things as if they are short and curt and just trying to brush me aside, placate me for the moment. So then it starts telling me I should just not contact him for awhile, you know, check up, see how long it takes him to take the initiative to text me or whatever. But then some sort of sense kicks back in and tells me to grow up and not to play stupid games, that I should text him cheerfully and let him know that while I miss him a lot, I hope he's having fun. THEN the other side chips in with "Don't want to start getting clingy now though do we?" and I start picturing his friends rolling their eyes because he's got a text from me, can't I ever leave him alone just for one night out with his friends?! I'm hearing this inner dialogue right now as I type. I'm driving myself into a tizzy, and the worst part is knowing that he's with his friends at the moment, having a great time, not doing anything wrong, but here I am anguishing over nonsense.

 

I don't know what to do. This is driving me insane. Every night I keep making myself watch feel-good romantic comedies, so that I will lighten up and remember how much I love him. P.S. I Love You makes me sob every time I watch it, because it makes me think how lost I would be without my boy, and so I watched it last night, as a serious attempt at pulling myself together. But then while it will work then, by the next day I've falling back into this horrible trap of not knowing what to do.

 

I need your help guys...I thought I'd got a grip on all my stupid thoughts long ago, but they seem to just have risen right back up to the surface over the summer. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm away from him, and not seeing and talking to the person I love just seems inherently wrong.

 

Thanks for whatever you can say...I really need some of your magical pearls of wisdom.

P

xxx

 

Edit: This has also lead to my already ridiculous level of comfort eating rise to even dizzier heights this summer, which is starting to get to me a lot...previous weight related issues as a teenager. Anyone who can help with comfort eating would much appreciate any help or ideas!

[fixyou_]

I am the Queen of comfort eating lol. I've always been a little chubby, and my level of eating depends on how I'm feeling.

Anyways, I can totally relate to your situation. It's completely not your fault for reverting back to self defense in fear of being emotionally annihilated again. About the texting/no contact deal, I think a lot of people would chose to contact each other daily, but some people prefer not to. The best advice I can give you for when you find yourself lying in bed watching Hilary Swank read those beautiful letters, is that a)you are a very loving person, and thereforee a secret charm, and b) sometimes us very loving people need something to distract us from being in love.

As you said, you don't really have much in your town and your friends are usually busy, which again, I can totally relate to... You need to find hobbies that require your mind. Movies are wonderful, but sometimes they make us feel worse about love. Try reading, volunteering, exercising, and socializing with different people. Good luck, and don't ever feel guilty for your level of love.

[Daligal83]

Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you're feeling? Not about him not loving you, but about how you feel so cut off from everything and it's hard knowing that he's so close to everything? I think he needs to understand this and hopefully he'll be empathetic.

 

On your side, even though you can't see him or your friends, there has to be thing you can do. It's nice outside, so start off every morning with a run. That alone will put you in a better mood. Pick up a hobby you can do around the house. Learn to do something new. Go to the library and pick out a bunch of books. Keep yourself busy in any way that you can.

 

As for the emotional eating, try to find another activity that relaxes you. Maybe drawing, knitting, reading, listening to music. Or instead of grabbing good, get a full glass of water and drink that. Remind yourself that the food won't actually make you feel any better. It helps to keep a food journal. Write down everything that you eat and how you are feeling when you eat it. It can help you pick up on patterns and you tend to eat less when you have to write it all down.

[Parsley]

First, thank you too for replying. I had a horrible night last night, still feeling rubbish this morning. I really needed someone!

 

I have spoken to him about it, on many occasions. The fact that when I go home I get really down instantly. I love my family to pieces, and see my 2 year old nephew and 5 month old niece a lot, and they really cheer me up, but it's so different to having a conversation with your friends. Just this last weekend I went to visit a uni friend with a couple of other friends, and it was so lovely, just being able to have a conversation about anything, rather than censoring myself the way you do with your parents. Everytime I speak to my boyfriend about it he says he understands, and that it really gets to him that he can't help me. But then when it comes to times like this I feel like he doesn't understand, he can't understand, he's never known what it's like to be so isolated. He always gets a bit upset (not massively) if I don't text him goodnight (which is rare cause the chances of me doing something that will distract me from this one thing are slim). But then last night he didn't, and it's just stuck in my heart. I text him, and didn't get a delivery report, rang him and either his phone is off or there's no signal. No signal I can understand, but it will kill me if he's had his phone off all this time. I dreamt about it, in my dream he turned up with a perfect explanation and then sang me a song...it was so nice lol.

 

P

x

[Daligal83]

He sounds like he's usually very attentive in responding back to you. Last night he was probably just very busy. We can't expect being to be attached to their phone 24/7, even though it seems like everyone is. I know it seems a lot worse because you feel so isolated, but try to remember that he isn't and that's not his fault. I'm sure he'll contact you today and explain what was going on and it will be fine.

 

I'm sorry you're so lonely. When do you go back to school? What did you do before university to make yourself happy? Were you this lonely growing up?

[Parsley]

He's not the best at replying to me. I'm not sure he's got a hold on the fact that a mobile phone is mobile. But most of the time within a couple of hours. I'm a massive worrier too...last night I kept going through all the reasons he might not be answering his phone, and I'm telling you it took all my strength not to text one of his friends to check he hadn't been hurt or something! I managed not to, like I said, I really don't want to appear clingy, and considering his friends barely know me (because of living so far apart) it would be easy for them to come to that conclusion.

 

I wasn't this lonely growing up - I had my brother and sister living at home, and went to school every day and saw my friends there. But now I live quite far away from even the friends I have here and, like I said, they're all quite rubbish in agreeing to any kind of meet up. I think it's also the fact that I am surrounded by my friends at uni (I live with 6 of my best friends) and am never more than 10 minutes walk from town. Going from that to this is difficult to say the least.

 

He did speak to me today, he said that the house he was staying in had no signal. That's fine, but I haven't heard anything since, and he was going home today. I sent him something he needed for his holiday which he should have received today, along with a letter and some stuff to make him smile, but I haven't heard anything about it. It makes me feel like he can't possibly miss me if he can get what I sent him and not be moved to even send a thank you text?

 

Grr. I know I'm being silly. I guess I just need a place to vent all my ridiculous frustrations, and maybe then they won't build up so much anymore and overtake me. Maybe I should start using my diary again.

[Daligal83]

I know how thoughts can just run wild like that, especially when you're not actually with your SO. I've found that it helps me to hold off on getting too upset until I can talk to the person and it usually ends up that there's a reasonable explanation for everything. For example, you stated that he was going home today, but are you sure he actually got home yet? It's possible that he hasn't seen what you sent him. Is he more attentive when you're at school or is he still like this?

 

I understand how hard it is to go from university life to being isolated at home. Now is the time to learn one person hobbies!! If I lived there I'd teach you how to knit Or if you like to read, I can recommend A LOT of great books.

[Parsley]

Talking to him always helps. Strangely, msn conversations seem to calm me down a lot more than a phone conversation does. Maybe because then I can talk properly think about what I'm saying as opposed to letting stuff rush out of my mouth. He isn't like this at uni - when we're there we see each other every day, even if only to spend the night together. It's just when he's home and has a group of friends he sees all the time who are 10 minutes from him. I can't blame him for seeing them, and it scares me sometimes that I feel annoyed that he does, instead of ringing me or something. I know that I might want to talk to him as much as humanely possible, but that's just me.

 

I still feel a bit iffy, but I just spoke to him for a good long time a hour or so ago, told him that I've been feeling particularly bad this week, and that I'm sorry that he always bears the brunt of my frustrations, and I'm going to try to ensure that my whole happiness isn't his responsibility. Most of the time it's not, I see my family, and I always feel a lot better when my brother's visiting, cause I get some conversation with someone closer to my own age, and I do feel happy and laugh. It's just at night...he's always the thing I think of as I go to sleep, I always daydream about us to help me fall asleep, so when I'm feeling bad it's awful, cause it's night and I can't ring up a friend to talk or whatever. Do you know what I mean?

 

I only have a week left at home before I go back to uni, then a week and a half there before I go on holiday with some friends for a week, then I'll see him. I'm hoping to spend a lot of this coming week sorting my stuff out and doing odd jobs to raise some desperately needed cash (another downside of my location is that the only jobs I could find were in places I can't get to). Then I plan to spend the next week swimming and walking loads while none of my friends are around to entice me into staying home with junk food watching films instead. It can't be too hard to keep myself busy for this short time now.

 

Thank you soooo much DaliGirl...you were exactly the voice I needed.

[Daligal83]

Aw you're welcome! I completely understand how you feel since I've done the long distance thing. It can drive you crazy sitting at home knowing that your SO is out having fun. For me, I was almost jealous of his friends because I wanted to be out there having fun with him and I couldn't.

 

I think you have a good game plan though. You have ways to keep yourself busy until you can go back to university. Plus that vacation with your friends sounds like a lot of fun!!