Is it wrong to want to stay with someone because you think it will be too hard to find somebody else

[madmarten]

Hmm, I have lot of thoughts and I really don't know where to start. This is my first ENA rant. So this is part rant, part question, and part exposition. Warning this could get deep.

 

Ok background, I have been dating my gf since say Dec 07. We are in graduate school, well actually she just graduated with her PhD. Well we thought she was going to stay here for a post-doc, as she had not gotten a job offer yet. Well, she got an offer in july, for a company in Silicon Valley. We talked about and she really wanted to take the job and continue the relationship. I have another year to 18 months before I finish (although a benefit is this will provide motive for me to finish ASAP). She said she would be willing to fly me out there once a month.

 

I agreed and said that it only makes sense though if we plan to marry. (Is this crazy?) She said she understood this and wanted to do this (marry). Ok this whole conversation happened very suddenly.

 

Would most people break-up or stay together?

 

Part of me wants (albeit a small part now) wants to break up and see what else is out there. But I am 30 about turn 31 later this year, I do want to get married and have a family some day and well the clock is ticking. And the thing is dating has been very difficult for me. I have been looking consistently for a relationship for three years, and this girl is the only one who I feel has been attracted to me. Pretty much she is the only girl who has agreed to continue seeing me after 4-5 dates with out disappearing or giving me the “friends” speech.

 

I like her a lot and care very much about her, But at first I worried that I was not physically attracted to her enough, but now I realize well actually she is isn’t bad considering the league of chicks that I even have a chance with. I am attracted to her personality and she is a quality person. One thing that really helps though is she is crazy about me. Is it normal in relationships where one partner is more physically attracted to the other partner, or is it always equal?

 

I mean if I had 3 exes calling me and 3 on stand by it would be different, but if it is going to take another 3 years, well %^&*………………

 

Idk, I feel a little angry and disappointed, did I just miss the opportunity to play the field. Guys brag on here about not remembering how many chicks they have, and I can barely get one. Am I giving up by staying with her? Sometimes I feel I don’t even know what normal is.

 

Just looking for a little advice and support.

[redhearts]

The way I see it your not giving her a fair chance by letting her find someone who truly loves, cares and wants to be with her 100% no doubt.

 

I don't think you should settle because your giving her false hopes and this can lead to cheating. Because what if you do get married, then you end up "flirting" or getting to know someone and then your like uhmm. See, I think your just going to have to tough it out regardless of the clock ticking, because you don't seem to be at your full potential of happiness here.

 

Am I right or wrong, your only with her because you think shes the only girl you can get and the best looking or decentest looking one out there?

[DN]

You never said if you love her.

[redhearts]

You never said if you love her.

 

Thats a good point and why I'm betting on him just staying with her because he thinks thats as good as it will get for him. Or that it will take way too long to find someone else who wants to be with him?

[Jetta]

All I can say is if you do marry it won't last, because of your cheating! Do you think she's not going to catch on one of these days!? And you will want to cheat in the future, marriage gets dull. Okay moving past the cheating on her part. Now do I really think you should stay with her after discussing marriage, since she's assuming you will marry her at somepoint. Really no, I think now is the time to break up or you may end up in a marriage of convienence.

[purpleduckie]

I just want to give you a heads up: You might get harsh advice or comments from users here, very harsh.

 

 

 

Now, onto my opinion, I think you should leave her. It's not fair for you to settle and it isn't fair for her to marry someone who isn't in love with her. You may regret it, but it might just be the best decision you'll ever make for yourself.

[riley123]

You never said if you love her.

 

You are right, he didn't. All he said was, "I like her a lot and care very much about her."

[Supa_gurl]

People are getting married when they are older nowadays. 30 is not old at all.

If you are not in love with her, if you can not see "forever" in her eyes, if you can not see future children with her...you need to let her go and find someone deserving of that love and in turn you need to find someone you are physically AND mentally attracted to.

[keenan]

All I can say is if you do marry it won't last, because of your cheating! Do you think she's not going to catch on one of these days!?

 

Jetta, why do you say that the OP is cheating? I can't find that in his post...maybe I'm totally missing it.

[Jetta]

Pretty much she is the only girl who has agreed to continue seeing me after 4-5 dates with out disappearing or giving me the “friends” speech.

Meaning he's dated other girls.

[redhearts]

Jetta, why do you say that the OP is cheating? I can't find that in his post...maybe I'm totally missing it.

 

Hes been looking consistantly, trying too hard perhaps or coming on too strong and he said he wants to see what else is out there. So if he hasn't then he most definitely will. I don't think he even likes her, its more of convience. No offense!!!

 

Btw I think that line could of possibly been hes tried other dates before her, but probably decided to stay even though he wasn't feeling it much because she gave him second, third, dates etc.

[keenan]

Meaning he's dated other girls.

 

they've only been dating for 9 months...i assumed he meant other girls prior to this one.

[Jetta]

Redhearts posted about it above. I knew I saw it in there somewhere.

 

Hes been looking consistantly, trying too hard perhaps or coming on too strong and he said he wants to see what else is out there. So if he hasn't then he most definitely will. I don't think he even likes her, its more of convience. No offense!!!

[Jetta]

To the OP, regardless of whether you have cheated you want to. I held onto a guy because I was waiting for someone better to come along. What happened was I got married, got pregnant, lost custody of my daughter in the divorce and lost my mind because of it (had a psychotic break), which means I could have gone on a rampage and killed a bunch of people and been temporarily insane for real. Anyway all it would cause is trouble. Avoid the trouble, wait for the right person to come along. I met two guys I fell for while married to the one guy. You may miss out on the right woman if you're standing with the wrong woman. I finally got out, I'm not about to miss out on love again, only it cost me a lot, including my reputation.

[keenan]

Redhearts posted about it above. I knew I saw it in there somewhere.

 

i can only see it if i squint really hard, lol.

 

don't get me wrong; my answer is the same--i don't think he should stay with this poor girl he's not attracted to and not in love with, but i'm still not sure he was trying to date WHILE dating her. but...at best it does sound like he has a wandering eye (if an unproductive one, lol).

 

i do think that if he marries her, he's vulnerable to cheating with the first cute girl who comes along who will give him a little attention.

 

also, chances are pretty good that she'll meet somebody better for her in silicon valley--it's the #1 place in america to meet single men!

 

sorry to talk about you like you're not in the room, OP!

[Jetta]

also, chances are pretty good that she'll meet somebody better for her in silicon valley--it's the #1 place in america to meet single men!

That's good news for her, but he wants to be sure he won't be single. Maybe it's how you come accross OP. Try seeking out female friends, they can always introduce you to their friends, and you won't come off as I don't however you may come off.

[fixyou_]

I understand you want to "See what's out there", but if you have to second guess someone, you shouldn't be in the present situation. She sounds very attached to you, and if you're concerned about "playing the field", then don't treat her like a piece of meat. (Sorry to be rude, but honestly that's what your speech came off as.) Ask yourself: What's more important, playing the field @ 30 or giving away a very loving girlfriend who is willing to fly you out there once a month in order to withhold the relationship?

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I kind of think if you've had to ask this question you know the answer?

[george237]

Your settleing. You should never settle. Let her go and don't look back it's not fair to both of you.

[Daegas]

To the OP, regardless of whether you have cheated you want to. I held onto a guy because I was waiting for someone better to come along. What happened was I got married, got pregnant, lost custody of my daughter in the divorce and lost my mind because of it (had a psychotic break), which means I could have gone on a rampage and killed a bunch of people and been temporarily insane for real. Anyway all it would cause is trouble. Avoid the trouble, wait for the right person to come along. I met two guys I fell for while married to the one guy. You may miss out on the right woman if you're standing with the wrong woman. I finally got out, I'm not about to miss out on love again, only it cost me a lot, including my reputation.

And some married women fell for other guys while being married, only to find out that (after moving in) these other guys were even worse than their husband and they lost both.

 

And that is the problem: how do you know who the right/wrong guy is? How does he decide if he should keep looking or not? People fall in love with the "wrong" person (for example someone that hits you).

[madmarten]

I understand you want to "See what's out there", but if you have to second guess someone, you shouldn't be in the present situation. She sounds very attached to you, and if you're concerned about "playing the field", then don't treat her like a piece of meat. (Sorry to be rude, but honestly that's what your speech came off as.) Ask yourself: What's more important, playing the field @ 30 or giving away a very loving girlfriend who is willing to fly you out there once a month in order to withhold the relationship?

 

Thank You so much. This the kinda response I was looking for.

[george237]

I understand you want to "See what's out there", but if you have to second guess someone, you shouldn't be in the present situation. She sounds very attached to you, and if you're concerned about "playing the field", then don't treat her like a piece of meat. (Sorry to be rude, but honestly that's what your speech came off as.) Ask yourself: What's more important, playing the field @ 30 or giving away a very loving girlfriend who is willing to fly you out there once a month in order to withhold the relationship?

 

I don't even think that is a question if you look at the way he is describing her. He is comparing her to other women he could possibly be with. That isn't love and you will probably always feel the same way. If you guys were already married I would say to see counceling but since your not get out now.

[madmarten]

Wow, I did not think I would get such a harsh response. I guess I could have made the title a little less provocative. I was hoping for a more moderated, less jumping to conclusions response that answered some of my specific questions.

 

But, wow, so now I am a cheater, who thinks my gf is ugly, who needs to ask his female friends for a date.???? Just wow. Did I write those things?

 

I barely know how to respond. As I said this is bit of rant. I am frustrated that up until recently my dating life has not gone according to plan (ie meeting my now gf). The serious and recent escalation of this relationship has put things in perspective. I went from looking for a gf to a point where I we are considering marriage (in the future) in a short period of time. It is understandable that such life descisions and events cause strong emotional feelings to come about. Which has happened to me now.

 

Normally in a perfect world people have more than nine mos (really only 6 in a official relationship) to decide if they want to marry each other. The fact that she received this job offer escalated the situation immediately.

 

By the way, I was the one who stated to my gf that we should only consider continuing the relationship if we consider each other marriage material. I told her that I want to marry her and I could see her as the mother of my children.

Yes I love her. But I know that love is not always enough. Totally an oversight on my part for not being more clear on this.

 

As, far as attraction, wow it seems like it is an impossible thing to discuss here in a rational manner. I could make an entire thread or website on this.

I don't even know how to re-state this, that won't get me jumped on. It is not like I think she is dog or anything my goodness.

 

Let me re-state a few questions

In a relationship is it ok for one person to be more physically attracted to the other? Say 40-60, rather 50-50%

 

I recognize that she cares for me and is greatly attracted to me, and this is obviously very valuable to me.

 

I want to continue the relationship, which will continue LD for at least a year, that I feel like I might not want to if I felt I had alot of other choices. Am I a jerk for recognizing that the number and type of choices, actually effects the choice one makes? Or is it off limits to have thoughts like this?

[george237]

Look when I was with my ex I didn't even think about other women. I never considered I could do any better because she was perfect in my eyes. You on the other hand are thinking is this the best I can do? Can't I get somebody a little better looking and a little bit better match for me? There is nothing wrong with this but you shouldn't drag her along if you don't have the same feelings for her.

[madmarten]

I guess I threw out alot of stuff that is some personal stuff and really could be put into multiple threads.

 

Being 100% percent honest I don't think I could find a smarter/more quality/ down to earth woman. I am immensely attracted to this. Looks wise, all I am saying is that maybe she was a point or so lower than what I had been looking for, but better looking than I (does that make me seem like less of a jerk...lol..). But I realize how truly beautiful she is.