I can't believe i'm here again

[hitdog]

I haven't cut myself since I was 12 or 13. I remember it was so cathartic but I got hospitalized for it and it helped me find better ways of coping with stress. Here I am at 25 years old and I'm right back where I started. I've been cutting again for about a week now. I've been so overwhelmed with stress this summer. I just finished up my degree but I'm still out of work. I've been haviing trouble in my relationship. My grandmother has haad a series of strokes. Just a lot of life all at once. I found myself at the point of suicide. I had a knife to my wrist for about 10 minutes. Just pressing down and begging for the courage to just pull it. The I saw a plastic knife and I remembered how I dealt with the stess as a kid. I broke the plastic knife so it had a sharp edge, sterilized it with alcohol and ran it accross my leg. All at once I felt better, in a way. My mind refocused and it wasn't thinking about all the BS my life as become. I did it again and again and I actually felt some relief for the first time in months. I've been doing it every day since. Every time I begin to feel overwhelmed I just gash at my legs. I know I don't really have to worry about anyone seeing them because who's really ever going to see thighs. I know I shouldn't be doing this but I don't have anything else and for the first time in a long time I've fouond a way to quite my suicidal thoughts, even if it is only temporary. I'll take temporary over where I was before. I don't know what to do. I know I should stop but honestly a huge part of me doesn't want to stop. I've got something that works. The irony is, the only thing that kills the back and forth, over whether this is right or not, in my mind is cutting. I don't know what I expect to get out of telling this. I guess I just needed to tell someone.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Hi Hitdog, and Welcome to ENA.

 

Wow, that is a lot of life at once. It's like, when it rains, it really pours.

 

You come accross as a smart person, so you know how dangerous it is to cut yourself as a mechanism to cope with stress.

 

It sounds like you might benefit from talking with a counselor, someone who can help sort out these issues as them come up with, someone who will listen to what you're going through, and someone who can give you better outlets for stress.

 

I hope you consider talking to a professional counselor, and finally get to a place where you can better manage stress.

[hitdog]

Well, one problem fuels the other. i would see someone if i had the money but i have no job or insurance right now. i'm living off my savings.

[kuhl282000]

I suggest you get some professional help as soon as possible ......this is serious stuff.

[hitdog]

Well, I guess I'm getting nothing much from here. An update for anyone one who cares; my girlfriend noticed the scars for the first time last night and now she's flipping out. I told her I'd try to not do it but I couldn't promise anything. Again, I'm in a position where I want to cut because I know it'll help me deal with the stress of her flipping out over my cutting. The onlny difference is that now I have to try not to do it. I hate this.

[Scorpion-88]

So the fact that you stopped in the first place, proves you have the strength to do it again, especially if you are older! Tell me where does it get you a couple of minutes later? Sure it's a quick fix at the time, but it's pointless, and it doesn't get you anywhere but worse then where you started. There are other ways-- See your doctor get some tablets, to sort out your problems not ways like that. Nothing is worth harming yourself over, there are medicines out there that CAN help you!

[dogwood]

try to think of a less harmful way of dealing with the stress. if you find the stress affects you physically, maybe go for a run or bike ride to get it out of your system. or if you have any creative outlets, like writing, or listening to or playing music or drawing.. try those too. they help you calm down and get it out.

 

i started cutting for the first time this summer after a bad breakup, but i think/hope ive finally stopped. there were lots of times i wanted to and thought about it, or had worse thoughts, but then channeled the feelings in other ways and felt ok.

 

or even if you need to do something slightly harmful but not as bad, like have a smoke, it's still much better than hurting yourself like that.