oh my god... ho Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I broke up recently w/ a guy because of religious differences. He is extremely Christian and can't accept that I do not share all the same beliefs that he does. When we first starting dating, I told him I had an interest in going to church, which is true. But how can he expect me to be 100% a believer? Growing up, I did not go to church. Now, I believe in God, but I am very open minded. I would never tell someone else that their religion is wrong--his response to that was, "I would." That right there turned me off. He said to be a good Christian he has to believe that he is right, and other religions are wrong. Also, if you are not a Christian, then basically that means you're going to hell. I have no concept of that. I would never want to believe in a religion where all non-believers go to hell, regardless of how good of a person they are. His belief is so strong that even though I would raise my children to go to a Christian church, that's not good enough. He said his spirituality is how he lives his everyday life and that God is the most important thing to him (it even supersedes relationships). He doesn't want my beliefs to influence our potential kids because that would confuse them, plus he doesn't want them to believe what I believe (mainly that everyone who is good will go to Heaven regardless of religion). Did I mention they speak tongues at his church??? I feel like his religious beliefs are pretty extreme. When I asked why he didn't just date someone in his church he said he'd tried that but they didn't like his drinking, smoking, and partying. Doesn't that go against Christian beliefs anyway?! I have accepted him for all that he is, yet he cannot accept me for my beliefs, or at least not in terms of ever starting a family together. I have never felt discriminated in this way before, and it makes me a little sad that this is why a relationship has to end. He hasn't even had a gf in 7 years, and I've met his friends & family--everyone loves me but still apparently I'm not good enough. I guess I'm just looking for people's thoughts on this. Link to comment
riley123 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 A couple not sharing the same religious beliefs can be tough, but it can work. A couple where the religious beliefs/values of one are not respected, well, that most likely won’t work. Just be thankful that you didn’t get married before this became an issue. By the way, great name! Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 All issues aside. You're best broken up with this guy. Link to comment
lapseinjudgement Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 That seems very extreme to me. People like that bother me. It seems like he lives by the book sorta speak when it works for him and when he wants to drink/smoke/party kinda goes to the back burner. Doesnt seem right. I'd say try to move on i dated an extremely religious girl once. Dumped me because i was not religious enough for her even though i tried going to church and all that for her. Oh well Link to comment
ApplePeace Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 He shouldnt have to make you change, you should want to do that on your own...I think hes just being to judgmental really....if he smokes and drinks n parties how does his church feel about that? I dont think thats acceptable in his church. from wanting your spouse to believe what you do is fine, your both doing it since you both brokeup over this. I think he is using his religious to control you to be honest..I bet he wouldnt want you to party and smoke and get drunk. Yea he likes to control you it seems.... Link to comment
ManAbout Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Good thing that you broke up with him. There is no compromise with religious fanatics like that. People like this are a cause of a lot of trouble in the world. He is no different than the Taliban for example. Link to comment
Anonymous122 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Religious differences are nearly impossible to reconcile. I'm a staunch athiest, i'm not even willing to humor the idea that the supernatural exists. I'm a humanist, I believe in happiness and personal fulfillment, and I deplore anything and everything that is dehumanizing. I'm a socialist, I believe that the working class should be in control, not the upper classes. With that having been said... I've dated two christians and an agnostic. The only person who I could even remotely relate to on a philisophical scale was the agnostic, but even that was tough. I'm a huge proponent of dating within your philisophical circle, because no one who has put alot of time and energy into their beliefs wants to see them compromised. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 He probably belongs to a Protestant, Evangelical church, am I right? I was brought up in that kind of church and they do believe that everyone who is not of their faith is going to Hell. It is drummed into your ears from the time you are born. I do agree that being a good person alone will not get you into Heaven, but that is about all I agree with. By the way, I am Christian (Ijust don't belong to any church because they are run by human beings, not God) and I wouldn't dream of smoking or drinking. God doesn't want us to do thing that can harm us. That being said, I respect different beliefs than mine. I just worry about my beliefs, not those of others. Who knows, maybe we are all wrong. I just know my beliefs give me peace, which is all that matters. Link to comment
sidehop Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 If religion becomes a problem within a relationship, then it's better off you're not with him. It's unfortunate but it shouldn't be an issue but some believe or want to push their ideas to others. My g/f is Pagan and she never pushes her idea to others including myself and do not expect our children to believe what she believes in. Link to comment
girl68 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Someone as hardcore religious has he will never change. If you can't or don't want to jump on his religion bandwagon it will never work. I'm like you... open to the idea not super religious or anything but I'm catholic. I don't impose my beliefs on anyone (including my bf) and he doesn't do that to me (he's christian). Any person who will tell me my beleifs are "wrong" REALLY rub me the wrong way; why can't we just agree that I don't believe yours and vice a versa- well these people aren't like that. Question for OP: is he actually fighting for you and your relationship? Most likely he doesn't give a hell- so move on find someone who is actually willing to at the very least let you have your own views. I've encountered people like this- they don't change. People with open-minds I believe are more healthy than those who are close-minded IMO! Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 People with open-minds I believe are more healthy than those who are close-minded IMO! I make it a point to avoid fanatics of all stripes. Link to comment
gracerules2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 First of all he sounds like he has a lot of growing to do as a christian. I used to be like that years ago. Maybe one day he'll mature and realize that living the christian life does not mean going around and force feeding his doctrinal beliefs on others. It does not mean trying to convert people to his way of believing. The christian life is summed up this way. Faith in Jesus Christ that expresses itself through love. To be a follower of Jesus means to be an example of loving people unconditionally. Jesus loves everybody unconditionally regardless of their lifestyle or religious beliefs. The gospel is good news that God has approved all of mankind. It's not about converting people to a doctrinal belief or moral code. John 12:47 "If any man hears my words and does not believe I do not judge him for I have not come to judge the world but to save the world." I believe Jesus succeeded in His mission to save the world. My point is during Jesus' ministry He didn't go around condemning or scaring people with threats of hellfire who didn't believe His message. He still loved them. So anyway can a relationship work with different religious beliefs? As long as two people can respect their differences. Part of maturing as a christian is understanding that it's not my job to convert anyone to anything but to set a good example in the way I live and share what I've discovered to be the good news of God's unconditional love & grace to all who will listen. But yeah the relationship can't work if he's a hardcore fanatic and he's still in that stage where he thinks the christian life is about proseltyizing and only keeping company with those who share his faith. There's no love in that. I'd recommend that he read the book "the gospel of inclusion" by carlton pearson. Link to comment
oh my god... ho Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 Well, that's the thing. He has many friends who are not religious and yet he has no problem with them. He was one friend who is an Atheist and I remember him telling me this guy was "good people" and yet according to his beliefs, his friend will go to hell even though he is a wonderful guy. But the majority of his social interactions are through his church and his family, all of which go to this church. They are a non-denominational Christian church, so I don't know what that means. All I know is that they speak in tongues because they believe that is God's language and it helps bring them closer to God. I have a feeling that this is how he was raised and that's why his beliefs are so strong. I have to admit his closed-mindedness is a turn off and I don't agree with him on certain issues. One night he went off on me for taking Splenda from a restaurant and another time for not tipping when I ordered 1 beer at a bar, all because he hates selfishness. Also he was pro-life whereas I am pro-choice. I don't really know what I believe other than I believe in a higher power or Creator. Either way, I just don't like the idea of people going to hell just because they don't follow Christianity. Part of me just wants to understand what his deal is, but I don't think I will ever truly grasp that. Link to comment
greywolf Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I used to be a very close-minded christian. Then I grew up and realized I didn't agree with half the things christians do. I still consider myself a christian, but I don't agree with many of the things they teach. It sounds like your ex has alot of growing up to do. My SO doesn't really have a religion. She does believe in a higher power and she thinks it could be God, but she wouldn't bet her life on it. I guess that is considered an agnostic? The reason we get along is because I respect that. I respect that she hasn't just taken what everyone taught her as her own beliefs. Instead she's trying to figure it out herself. We are in an LDR but she has told me that if she lived here she would go to church with me. I appreciate that as well. And anyways, I consider my church to be really cool. hehehe Well I guess they'd have to be pretty cool for it to be ok to bring my gf Link to comment
oh my god... ho Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 Oh yeah he's almost 30 so I really don't think he is going to grow up and change his mind. Link to comment
greywolf Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Oh yeah he's almost 30 so I really don't think he is going to grow up and change his mind. echh.... well good thing you don't have to worry about it anymore Link to comment
Sparkie Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 In my view, if someone strives to be the best they can be, they will be happy and fulfilled. If every one on the planet was happy and fulfilled, it would be a better place. You don't need to speak in tongues, or banish others, or control them, or think of yourself as superior to another. That doesn't make you content, or the people you're doing it do. It makes for a divisive planet. It starts wars. Much better to be away from him. Live your life how you want to, and you will be doing your bit to make a happier planet, because those around you will receive warmth and love. Link to comment
george237 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Look it is giong to be dificult since he is very into his religion. Talk to him and tell him that it isn't your cup of tea and he either has to accept that or sadly leave. Link to comment
musashi Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 oh my god... ho!, I am in exactly the same situation. My ex fiance is a devout religious person who is involved in a weird religious sect that borderlines a cult. She has dedicated herself 100% to her ministry and has claimed that our relationship is basically just getting in the way. When we first met it was not much of a problem. We had a healthy sex life and it never got in the way too much. Then her guilt started overriding her thoughts. I am an atheist as well but was willing to work on it with her. She has claimed that the only way we could be together was if I came back to god, and not only that, but I would have to join her "church", and then not only that, I would have to submit to the authority of her pastor who basically controls her life. Even after I said that I was willing to do that, our relationship ended. I truly believe that people who get that involved in religion have some serious mental issues, especially dealing with reality. My ex also believed that god talked to her and directed everything in her life. Of course, most of this she got from her pastor/prophet and he tells her what god is meaning through dreams and "witnessing" and getting a "word" from god. It is all quite silly to me. They actually believe that this guy can raise people from the dead. Once, she asked me what it would take for me to believe and I expressed that it would be quite simple. All I ask of her all powerful god is to have an miracle occur such as an amputee regenerating a limb. She said that she was going to pray for that and when it happens she would call me. I then asked her that if she prays for it and it does not happen would she give up her belief. That did not sit too well with her. After I finally acknowledged that I would give her brand of religion a try, it still was not enough for her. She is now claiming that we have to spend some time apart so that "god can work in my life". My conclusion is that she is obviously mentally screwed up over this religion. She has claimed that I am the best man she has ever met and the only man she wants to be with. Promises of a happy life together have been crushed by religion. It is totally mind boggling to me. Religion, in most cases, creates a feeling of seperatism, an us-against-them mentality that is not healthy and creates a felling of isolationism in the individual. It also inspires in them a sense of piousness that anything they do is okay as long as they throw the god label on it. Her total contact with the outside world now is only with members of her sect. They control everything in her life and I feel so sad for her. I wish that I could get through to her so she can see how damaging it all is but it is causing me too much grief. Religious differences are a death knoll for a relationship, it appears. Link to comment
poloace Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 ... i'm a bit surprised by the number of negative vibes toward this guy. i browse through the original post - but, let's look at things from another angle. its my understanding that people who share the same faith have less risk for divorce down the road. now, i'm christian as well - a lot of it is a 'title' at times. i've engaged in premarital sex, drugs, alcohol, etc., etc. - but, at the same time - when it comes right down to it - the beliefs i would like to impart on my kids (if and when it happens) - are the ones that i was raised with. the other issue is - what do you do when down the road, one parent wants to go to church, the other stays at home... the kids are more conflicted, etc. i found that religion wasn't a big player while i was in a very happy, comfortable relationship - but that, as i attempted to extrapolate a future with someone - it wasn't simply 'you do this, i do that.' life is much more complicated than that. and, if someone is fairly religious, its a large part that they're unwilling to give up. i have an aetheist friend who is converting to judaism to marry his gf. to him, she's more important than his beliefs. its just easier down the road if people have the same mindset, in my honest opinion. doesn't matter what that mindset is - but, it does matter that they are similar. now, fanatics of any sort are scary. but, for someone to not want to give up their religion and ask that you convert to theirs... i think its fair within reason. or, to find a common ground that you can base a family and future children upon. Link to comment
Butterflygrl Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 A couple not sharing the same religious beliefs can be tough, but it can work. A couple where the religious beliefs/values of one are not respected, well, that most likely won’t work. Just be thankful that you didn’t get married before this became an issue. By the way, great name! totally one hundred percent agreed. His view of Marriage will be based on his belief in the Bible -100%. These are the issues that people "in love" overlook in the beginning - that ten years down the line, blows up in their faces. You must have foresight when it comes to issues of religion. It is no small matter, especially for the one who believes so strongly. Think hard and long about this. Link to comment
oh my god... ho Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Overall, I'm not interested in someone who cannot accept me for who I am right now. If he is so invested in his beliefs to the point where it is more important than any relationship could ever be, then it could never work out. I would have to be pretty crazy about someone to agree to convert to their beliefs, and my feelings for him are just not strong enough. Also, I'd never want to end up w/ someone who wouldn't want to fight for me. It's obvious to me he is not that person. Either way, it feels like a rejection, and that hurts even if it is for the right reasons. Eventually when I meet someone who makes me TRULY happy I will look back and be thankful that I did not settle. Link to comment
Butterflygrl Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Overall, I'm not interested in someone who cannot accept me for who I am right now. If he is so invested in his beliefs to the point where it is more important than any relationship could ever be, then it could never work out. I would have to be pretty crazy about someone to agree to convert to their beliefs, and my feelings for him are just not strong enough. Also, I'd never want to end up w/ someone who wouldn't want to fight for me. It's obvious to me he is not that person. Either way, it feels like a rejection, and that hurts even if it is for the right reasons. Eventually when I meet someone who makes me TRULY happy I will look back and be thankful that I did not settle. Wow. It looks like you can see ahead. Yes rejection hurts, no matter what the reason, but really you should look at it as you actually rejecting him -Rejecting the idea of being in a relationship that could potentially be bad. You are wise. Link to comment
Andy_2007 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Avoid like the plague anyone who has involvement with the jehovah's witnesses, whether they be one or their parents or guardians are one. bonkers, the lot of them, with attitudes and beliefs that are close-minded, restrictive and only suited to either the incredibly weak willed or the incredibly stupid. Link to comment
ricko Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Hi all, Sorry if I seem to be jumping in, I read the whole thread & decided I would put in my 2c worth... And please don't label me as anti-religion, I do believe in a higher power, but this is something I would never shove into someone's face. As other posters have said, fundamentalism of any color is a sure sign that something in the personality is out of balance, & if we look at religious fundamentalism as an addiction, we could say that just like alcoholism .. to the addict, the addiction always comes first before the personal relationships. You wouldn't want to be third in line in a threesome. link removed link removed link removed Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.