Just venting and looking for pity I guess

[SchecterGuy]

Well it has been almost three months and I feel I have made no progress. I still feel as crappy as day one. I have done everything I can to feel better, but nothing has worked. I feel like I am going crazy here. I have been living my life in constant fear and I feel pathetic for it. I have not spoken to her in these three months, but I do know she is happy. It seems for every bit of happiness she has I get three pieces of misery. I got a promotion a couple of weeks ago and I felt nothing. I am leaving for Europe tomorrow and I am not excited. I can't believe the living hell my mind has created. And to think at one time I was happy we were done At this point it almost seems unnatural.

[Supa_gurl]

You will find that happiness again. I am sure of it. Have a great time in Europe.

[Mutley]

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

 

 

Promotion at work??? Going to Europe?????

 

You are at the top of the world right now.

 

Better work on an "attitude of gratitude," my friend!!

[Karmageddon]

Im curious to know what it is you have been doing to make yourself feel better??

[testcase]

There you go haha never heard that. "Attitude of gratitude." I like that a lot. But yea man positive thinking results in a positive life. Don't wait to get over her. Start getting over her.

[SchecterGuy]

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

 

 

Promotion at work??? Going to Europe?????

 

You are at the top of the world right now.

 

Better work on an "attitude of gratitude," my friend!!

 

Fear of the future my friend. Fear of the future. I worry that was my last chance.

 

Im curious to know what it is you have been doing to make yourself feel better??

I take drives. I go to synagogue. I visit home. It all temporary fixes. The reason I cannot move on is because I fear the future and that I will never find someone else. This fear prevents me from moving on. And I do not mind meet someone who says yes, I mean find true love. This constant thought is destroying me.

[Mutley]

I'm serious here....

 

You need to find some good professional help to tackle your issues. You are going to drive yourself crazy in misery.

 

It's very hard to reprogram thinking patterns on your own.

[SchecterGuy]

I am seeking help. Its not working. He tells me everything I already know. I have my moments of solice as I said. Well one of things I am also worried about now is I am moving out. My breakup also lead to a falling out with my roomate. He has someone trying to get my room (he is sleeping on the couch), but I cannot get my stuff out while I am gone. So I got the stress of him. Like I said, for the most part my past is ok, my future scares the hell out of me.

[Mutley]

You need to find someone more "cognitive" based....because really, besides correcting your living situation....your life is fine.

 

Because your problems stem from the way your brain operates....not what's going on around you.

[SchecterGuy]

That makes me more worried. It seems like a daunting task to reprogram the brain. Although I was not like this until recently so it seems to have been programmed that way recently.

[Mutley]

It was always there. Your break up just triggered it.

 

It's not so bad.....you just have to learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them....until it becomes second nature. It won't happen overnight.

[SchecterGuy]

I am trying. Nights are ok. But waking up sucks. It seems like that is when I am at my lowest. By nightime I am ok.

[Mutley]

That's my pattern as well.

 

I'd suffer during the day....then by evening I'd feel alot better.

 

It's "good brain vs. bad brain."

[carla7369]

I'm in the same pattern as well. By the time I go to bed, on some evenings I'm nearly upbeat. Well, nearly. Then, morning comes and I don't even want to open up my eyes because I know I will see the sun shining and it will feel so odd to see the beauty outdoors considering how awful I feel on the inside. It's like receiving a "you're all alone" kick in the stomach every 24hours. I have to agree, however, that the feelings that one will never find true love again are less about the reality of your situation, than they are about your thought patterns. That's why a cognitive behavioral (CBT) therapist can be so helpful. To start, SchecterGuy, you're still *really* young and the statistical probability of you finding love in your first twenty-five years and then NEVER finding it again through the rest of your days is pretty low. Like really, really low. But the feeling is incredibly common. I experience it every day. My therapist makes me write down ACTUAL EVIDENCE that I have that I will be alone forever and/or never find true love again. My guess is that your evidence list will be pretty weak at best. No one is promising you that true love will be a breeze to find or that it is right around the corner, but you still (if statistical probability is on your side) have so much life to live that now is the time for you to build your self-esteem and improve how you feel about yourself so that you'll be able to offer your whole, complete and wonderful self to that right person when they finally come along. Become the sort of person with whom you'd like to fall madly in love (you know, if all of the gender stuff worked out in the right directions for you ). I really believe that these fears boil down to self esteem in the end. And for those of us who have been dumped, our self esteem has surely been kicked in the teeth.

[SchecterGuy]

I was going yesterday about how negativity runs in my family. Its like I am cursed by nature. The funny thing is when my ex left she was probably as depressed, if not more depressed than I am now. And out of the blue happiness came to her. No pills, no therapy, nothing. She got a job and found a man and life was peachy. Well as far as I know, I have not spoken to her. This is the life's not fair part. She got her happiness handed to her on a platter. Me I am grabbing at straws trying to find my happiness.

 

Here is my list of why I will not find love:

With her I loved her, but was not in love with her. My only "true love" relationship was kind of abusive and that was my first in high school.

I dated girls who were comfortable. I cannot do that now so I am intimidated

My group of friends is small

I do not like having large superficial groups of friends, I like just having a few close friends. The idea of forcefully trying to make friends does not really appeal to me.

I met all my exes in school when dating was easy. Now it is a lot harder to find dates

I do not care for bars and clubs

I am worried the only girls I will ever meet are trying to maintain the college party lifestyle

I am shy, but can be outgoing when comfortable

I am losing my hair

My luck in general is terrible

I feel no one will get me (I listen to heavy metal. I still sometimes dress kind of hoodlumish)

I would be miserable if I had to completely change my peronality in order to get a date

I have never cold approached a girl. Don't know if I can do this.

 

If I think of other things I will add.

[Mayday11]

Sounds like a case of the self fulfilling prophecy. You're afraid you'll never find someone and that makes you miserable, then the fact that you're miserable makes it harder to find someone, which goes and reinforces your original position.

 

You need to figure out how to break that cycle. But, I'm sure you've already realized this.

[Cinnamongurl]

No offense to the OP, but you really have a terrible outlook on things...very negative. Try being positive...don't make a list of why you won't find someone. Instead make a list of why someone would want to be with you. Your negative energy is noticed by people and could be keeping you from happiness...

 

You must really love yourself before you can let anyone else love you.

[yankeefan74]

I do not like having large superficial groups of friends, I like just having a few close friends. The idea of forcefully trying to make friends does not really appeal to me.

 

Do you have any female friends? I have a friend who will talk to ANY woman in a bar if i asked her too. I've never honestly tried to date someone i met this way, but we have talked to people that way. She makes them comfortable, which makes anyone else in the group comfortable. She'll talk to them standing in line for the rest room, or at the bar...she'll want to introduce her husband, and i'm there talking to her husband...so she has to introduce them to me.

 

A great female friend, who will not give you pointers, but instead, will talk to anyone you want her too is better than any wingman i've ever found. lol

 

There are men who can walk into a bar, chat up any woman, if she says no...he moves on to the next...and that's how they meet people. I've never been one of those guys.

 

I will say this - if you are nervous, not very confident, anxious, etc, this will become obvious, and when you are that way, you will make a woman feel that way. If you KNOW you are a great catch for any woman you meet, then there's no reason to be anxious...your confidence is high. If she can't see the great qualities inside you, then someone else will. That attitude just comes out, and is attractive to most people.

 

Self-esteem is your biggest issue here as has been mentioned. It's something i've struggled with myself...but my ex has told me repeatedly that i'm an intelligent, funny, good looking, responsible, caring person...the relationship didn't work for other reasons...we just weren't right for each other, the timing was wrong, whatever.

 

So instead of worrying about those things, i'm just trying to concentrate on my friends, my work...just enjoy life. Sure, i miss my girl when i'm going shopping, or i'm thinking about something we did together...but i know i will have that with someone else later on. How do i know this? Because i've had women be interested in the past. A beautiful woman loved me and shared a year of her life with me...why would I think this couldn't happen again?

 

And i'm a decade older than you are. You have to find it within yourself. Also, you seem to be in a bit of a shell. There must be things you've never tried that you always wanted too...maybe you have friends that are into things you have never done, and you could do them. Point is, we are meant to always grow as people...each day brings new opportunities - a better job, a new hobbie, a new friend, etc.

[Mutley]

You must really love yourself before you can let anyone else love you.

 

I think my boy loves torturing himself more.

 

It's all an inside job.

[SchecterGuy]

The thing is I talk about it, but I do not show it too much. I go out when invited. I put on a smile when I am out. So very few people can tell what is going on inside me. But inside I am a wreck. The place I am moving into will have a social atmsphere. That will help me feel better in general. Not just work towards a goal for a woman. Lots of BBQ's and get togethers at my house. I try to avoid the slef fulfilling prophecy so I will not hesitate to do what I need to do.

[yankeefan74]

Just have fun. Don't put so much pressure on finding love. My ex came out of nowhere. you never know what is going to happen.

 

I thought i had to run right out and hook up with someone else when i got dumped...but why? To make myself feel better about my appearance, or my personality? To fill a void? I don't want to date, i want a relationship to replace the one I had, and that's not a great goal to have. So, I can work on me, have fun with friends...get to a place where the idea of my ex with another man doesn't make me want to beat people senseless...lol.

[SchecterGuy]

Yeah I have let go of the ex. I am hoping to have fun, but at the same time I want to relax. I was talking to a coworker and he basically said when he was in college he partied right so there was no need to really do any after. I am kind of the same mentality. I just want to relax. But I gotta do what I gotta do. We will see where this takes me.

[Karmageddon]

 

Schecter guy, I hate to say this, but you sound like my EMO step daughter, but worse. I asked you what you were doing to get yourself back on track of feeling better, you listed 2 things. There is no excuse for you not to get off your bum and make a better life for yourself. The choice is ultimately yours, you want to continue living your life this way, thats fine. It is totally and completely up to you sweetie. If you would rather be spending your days on ena with us complaining instead of getting out, that is your choice. There is no magic pill that will make you feel better. A mental health professional can only do so much if you dont do the work associated with it. You have to want to help yourself, & I don't understand why you don't. All of us here have been supportive of you, but it just doesnt seem like you really want that life. Why?

[Mutley]

I feel no one will get me (I listen to heavy metal. I still sometimes dress kind of hoodlumish).

 

Thought chicks dig the bad boyz, not nerd librarians like myself.

[SchecterGuy]

I am over not being with the ex. My pain comes from not being in a relationship or I should say not having many options of getting into a relationship. When I said I dated girls that were comfortable. I meant they may not have blown my socks off, but they were decent and reltively easy to get into a relationship with. And as for the personality being miserable. I mean I cannot be another person other than me. As for the person I am I am ok. Extrovertedness can be increased, but my interests, hobbies ( I do have some), and general mannerisms I do not want to change. I cannot change. And frankly people do like me. Its just I never seem to be in a good position to meet single girls. I have gone on a couple of dates from girls I met online and there ended up being no chemistry. One was pretty bigger than her pics. The thing is when I am actually out on a date or talking to girls I am fine. When me and the ex first broke up I talked to this one girl that I really liked and I was totally confident. She ended up hooking up with another guy at a party. I showed absolutely no self deprication (sp) or anything.

 

Deep deep down I thin kthings will get better. I have not lost all hope. But I am just discouraged at this point.