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Newbie in a bit of pain


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Hi all


Wonder if you can help me. Boyf of a couple of months split up with me last weekend (also my birthday). We had a very intense couple of months and told each other we loved one 3 weeks ago.


I'm ill and I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks which are improving and I am in recovery. He broke up with saying he thought he could cope with the illness but he can't. I should point out that he is also ill and I have offered nothing but 100% support.


Anyway cutting long story short, he said he when he started seeing me he would judge my illness by it's merit (!) and see how things go, he realised he couldn't cope and he wanted out.



I have a lot of unresolved anger and I want to get a few things of my chest to him, so I started a letter and wanted to know anybodies thoughts. I wil have to see him when I go back to college in a couple of weeks to sit exams, but at the moment we not in contact, although he said he wanted to stay in touch.



Here it is......


"First of all this is not a ‘take me back’ or an ‘I can change’ letter.


I just wanted to say that I agree with the decision and I believe it is the best thing for both of us. I would like to stay in touch, but right now I need space and time to get on with my life. As you said you were having doubts for a couple of weeks, so have got used to the decision, whereas I have only had a couple of days.


It really saddens me that you weren’t able to open up about your doubts and worry’s when you first had them, maybe we could have talked them through, but you never gave us or me that opportunity.


You told me that you loved me but I didn’t realise it was conditional and I was being judged from day 1. When I tell someone I love them, it’s because I mean it and it is unconditional.


The really big thing I can’t get over is why you had sex with me at your parent’s house, knowing you had doubts. I know you said we were still trying, but I wasn’t, I thought everything was ok. I had no idea you were having doubts, you did and you still had sex with me. Plus the fact that we did it ‘bare back’ as you called it. Which was your first time without a condom (note - I am on the pill, by the way, so he knew I wouldn't get pregnant), and I think after the conversations we had about not wanting me to get pregnant and so on, a pretty big indication to me that you were committed.


You have to understand that that was a very big signal to me that we were committed, which is why all that happened afterwards was a huge shock. I know blokes will accept sex any which way it is offered, but I still think it was cruel.


As for the not being able to cope with my illness, you once told me a story about an ex who got upset with you because you fell asleep when she wanted to have sex. OK, so it might not be on the same scale in terms of invested emotion, but ask yourself, how did you feel that someone was upset by the restrictions of your illness, but that there was nothing you could do to control it? Now, multiply that by about a 100 and put yourself in my place, where there was a huge amount of me invested in us.


You’re a very logical person (obviously being a scientist) and men in general I find always want to fix a problem or find a solution. I never asked you or wanted you to fix me. I have to fix myself. All I asked for was acceptance and support, in the same way I supported you. And whilst you can say that my mood swings were extreme, all I can say is that you have different issues that affected me too."


Any advice greatly appreciated.


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So did he dump you right after you began having sex? If so i think he is a total jerk and just was trying to score the sex then once he did moved on. If that is the case, then sending him any letter will be a waste of time because he probably won't even read it, nor care about your feelings or he wouldn't have done that to begin with.


But i think you need to decide what the purpose of your letter is. If it is just to get things of your chest, say whatever you please, but don't expect a response from him. If he feels attacked, he may just fire a nasty email back, or do nothing at all and not respond.


The one caution I would have is that if you only date 2 months, you weren't in love (regardless of what was said or thought). You may have been deeply infatuated, but real love takes a lot longer than that to build and bear fruit.


So if you gave your heart and your all to him after 2 months assuming you were in love (or believing those i love you words), then that was a mistake, because he hasn't really proved he loves you after 2 months, you both just have a lot of exciting infatuation hormones in play.


Love shows a real consistency and caring over time, so don't jump in too quickly and expect that he'll be around forever after only 2 months. Guard your heart until time have proven that the relationship may endure.

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Thanks for the reply. It wasn't the first time we had sex, it ws just the first time we had done it without condoms. Sorry for the confusion and if it was too much info!!!


The problem is that he told me a while ago that he wanted to use two forms of protection, the pill and condoms, 'cos he was worried about pregnancy and other things. So for him to do it without condoms, I thought was a big deal.


I just don't know what to think. I have to see him next week, when I go back to college and I don't know how I'm going to feel.


This might be a bit weird, but I also have some of his things (he was into being restrained) so I still have handcuffs and other stuff that belong to him. Now I know he's going to want them back, he hasn't asked yet, but i've not offered to return them (and yes it's because it's a piece of him I want to hold on to).


So although it only lasted a couple of months, it was very intense, I did things with him that I have never done with other people, because he was giving me signals to trust him.


By the way, I'm not an infatuated school girl, I've had quite a lot of experience and had a difficult break up a few years ago. I just don't know why this is affecting me so much.




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It's affecting you so much because you trusted him and he let you down. You have every reason to be affected.


Consider this...the endorphins that kick in early in a relationship are not love. It's a neurological reaction designed by nature/God/the universe to get us to mate and have babies.


If you're suffering from severe mood swings, you should talk with your doctor about it. I'm not a physician, but have friends who are bipolar. With the right diagnosis and medication (this is a neurological problem, not a mental health issue) to rebalance them chemically, they do much better with mood swings.

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The rational side of me completely agrees with you and thanks for the reply.


I feel so stupid for feeling like this after only couple of months.


But we had discussed how many children we wanted, he met my family, I met his, so it's very difficult at the moment.


Plus I am slightly cyber stalking him on Facebook.


I have been diagnosed with depression and am taking medication, and like I said before I am on the road to recovery, this is just a bump and I will get over it. At least I haven't sent the letter!!!


Just don't know what to do when I see him. I'm almost guaranteed to see him maybe 3 times in the next 3 weeks and obviously he is still on my facebook, so I can see what he's up to. I've been updating my status to try and show him that I'm moving on, but it might look a little desperate.

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Hello all


Well, I didn't send the letter and I've been trying to move on. But I have been in contact with the ex a lot over email.


I told him that I did want to be friends and that I still cared about what happens in his life. He said it means a lot that I still want to be a part of his life and replied by saying the feeling is mutual, and he said that was sweet.


I've done a lot of positive things since we broke up and I'm trying to let him know that. But I'm not sure what to do, one minute we are laughing and joking and then he gets a bit serious and distant. I know the advice will be NC, but I truly believe he will forget about me if I don't contact him. He has a condition that really does affect his memory.


Advice anyone?



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