Brett12345 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 My wife and I have a spectacular relationship. Everything about it is out of this world and better than I would have ever dreamed of. We are both 25 and we have been married almost 2 years now, and there is no question in our minds we will always be together. We only have one problem and I have no idea how to deal with it. The issue is...my family. They were nice enough to start out when we were dating. But I tried to give her a heads up that it may not always be so nice. My dad is fine, he is submissive though to a fault (a trait I for the most part dont have). My mom has a very standoff-ish attitude, very difficult to get along with, and pretty much very fake, always trying to show she is better off than maybe she really is. She is very opinionated and doesnt hesitate to share it. The problems started when my wife was having showers before the wedding, and my mom and sister kind of flaked out on some of them with pretty lame excuses. They were always giving their opinions of the wedding choices, colors, venues, etc, which I think got on my wife's nerves, but she hid it from me and confided all of these things that were driving her up the wall to her own mother (not suprising, she is very very very close with her family, very sheltered, amd much closer to them than me to mine). Things finally came to a head at the wedding where my mom was in charge of the rehersal dinner, and did all of this planning, my wife came in last second and basically changed everything almost down to the last detail. This kind of angered my mom, and she said some pretty mean things, then she and my wife's mom got into a spat actually at the wedding, (I fault both of them for being pretty childish, but my wife completely and totally blamed my mom for everything). My older sister, who runs a blog, later blogged about the event, and posted some stuff about how it was too religious and bubbly for her taste (she is very cynical and says lots of candid things not really thinking about it), but my wife has hated my older sister ever since this happened because it was so hurtful and how much time her dad had taken to plan everything just right. So other little things continued to build up, things my family would say they were going to do, and wouldnt and my wife pulled further and further away. I tried to assure her that everything was ok, and that not to worry, it's just how they are, as long as we are happy it doesnt really matter what they do. But she saw in everything that they were trying to impose, or be too nosy, so she basically would rarely talk to them, or got mad if they were asking about us, or even when we would go to their house, she would (quite obviously) be rushing us out the door. but I know my mom was frustrated because I was drawn closer to my wife and really drifting from my family, which I am not too concerned about, my relationship could sacrifice a bit so my wife could do more with her family, I didnt have a problem doing that, but my mom kind of took offense to the fact that we did almost everything with her family and very little with mine. Things were tense, but it wasnt like it was terrible. We moved to Washington DC last May for job stuff, and things seemed to get better because we were apart and didnt really have any issues because we werent dealing with my family day in and day out. She missed her family terribly so that was hard, but we managed well and it made our relationship stronger than ever. But she still felt like my family would meddle and didnt really want to talk to them that much. We flew home a couple times and always stayed with her parents (45 minutes away from mine) and rarely saw my family, much to my displeasure, but i dealt with it for her. When we flew home for Christmas, we were home for several days before even seeing my family, my wife had planned all of this stuff (almost strategically) to kind of set that up, and planned a big bruch (which my dad couldnt make it to, so the rest of my family didnt want to go because of the tension between families), and she said well they had their opportunity. Well we finally went out to eat with my family and my mom basically ignored us and didnt say a word at dinner and it was pretty clear what she was doing. This made me made, so I got into a fight with her where she said some things that a mother should not say to a son. (I don't want to toot my own horn, but I turned out really well and it is something I do pride myself on. I am a good person, and I am patient and have respect for everyone, I don't treat others badly and try to never even speak harsh words about anyone). She basically said she was disappointed for how I turned out as I was defending the attitude and actions of my wife, and things got rough. It was probably the first time I really stood up to her in light of all the things happening, but even then I always felt it had just been my wife overreacting to most everything (wedding colors, missed events, little things that really dont bear on the big picture). She even says all the time that my mom ruined the happiest day of our life, the wedding, in which we both had a blast and she certainly didnt show any kind of frustration. Ever since then (almost 8 monthes), they have been on a very thin line, my wife said she just needs time to get through it and I have given her all the time in the world, but she still feels the same. Every time my family calls, my wife always has an insinuating tone, like "What did SHE want". Within the past several months, she blocked her emails, doesnt answer her phone calls, doesnt respond to text messages, even blocked my family from seeing anything on Facebook (because they were being too nosy on it). I find most of this ridiculous myself. I know that is probably not a good attitude to have. My mom recently asked me if it was worth even trying to reach out, and I in a round about way said probably not. I have been trying to smooth everything out for almost 2 years, and really havent made any ground My wife is supposed to be in my sister's wedding in a few weeks (which she doesnt want to be in, says she is only doing it as a favor to me, and wont let me get her out of doing it even though i think it would be best for everyone). Her parents asked her to ask me if they should go to the wedding, I told her it is not my place to answer that. They decided not to and RSVP'ed that they would not be coming. My mom asked me why, and I said I hadnt heard that yet. When I asked my wife, she said she found out the day before (didnt tell me) and got mad that it was even any of their business. I told her I was disappointed in their decision, because I thought they would have gone if for anything that fact that both of us are going to be in the wedding. She said they werent because it would be too "awkward" for me. I said they made the wrong decision and she flipped out because they "couldnt read my mind". So this was today, and we spent the better part of the last 3 hours going off on each other. I want her to be open to having some form of relationship with my family. She wants to basically cut off all contact and cut them out of the record books, as if they never existed. I refuse to accept that and basically tell her that it will only serve to drive us apart, as I will have to talk to them behind her back (I said I just wont tell her what we talk about cause she doesnt really wnat to know anyway), and that when we go home, I will have to go see them without her, and that I would be embarrased to bring her over there anyways (since it seems everyone hates each other anyways, I dont know why I play the game) She said some things that stung, but I dont think she realizes that she says them and they hurt me. I am not proud of how I reacted, I got mad, I screamed, I threw some things, she got mad, pushed me, said other mean things, eventually we calmed down and just tried to talk through it. She says that she wouldnt ever talk to them if we werent married, so why would she now, I can tell she doesnt want the relationship at all. She says that I never put myself in her shoes and dont understand how she feels and how all this stuff affected her over the years. I say that it affected both of us, I have put myself in her shoes and I dont come to the same conclusions (which she gets mad about saying that I dont understand her and that it makes her doubt other aspects of our relationship -- which really hurts). I said I need from her some effort, meaning try reaching out to my family, dont block them and ignore them, she says she will have to think about it (which means no), and says that what she needs from me is to support her better (i.e. agree with me and decrease your contact even more with your family). This is kind of a long novel, but I don't know how to deal with this. I don't think I am wrong. I want a relationship with my family, I want them to be a part of my kids life, I dont want to look back with regret when they pass on at my wife and think she kept me from something. But I feel like she wont budge. Any effort she does, she says is just a favor to me, she sets her self up for clauses and conditions so she can basically weasel her way out of having to interact with them. She wont have any relationship with my family until "I support her and agree with her about everything" and given enough time, maybe she'll try to heal the gap (which she says very insincirely) To sum up: - My parents have done many mean things, are a bit standoffish, but for the most part, I dont think they have dont anything to warrent all of this - My wife has a very aggressive attitude, things are very black and white and she is not afraid to cut you off if you cross her - She can't stand my mom because she has a strong attitude, and is very opinionated - She can't stand my little sister because she is fake and selfish - She can't stand my older sister because she wrote some opinions about our wedding ceremony - She can't stand my dad because he lets them all run over him, even if he knows it is going on, he isnt going to jeapordize his relationships (and I dont blame him, it is not his place) - She says I always take their side, and never understand what she goes through and I always defend them (which I think i often do, but not purposefully, I am very logical and I try to just logically lay everything out) This is the ONLY thing we fight about, and we both can get downright mean because neither one of us seems to be budging an inch. It is the only character trait that I dont like about her, the way she just cuts people off and closes the door forever in her mind, and I have told her that it disappoints me, because when she gets on this roll, she is just mean. I dont find it acceptable and I want to have a semblance of a relationship with my family, but at the cost of my relationship with my wife?? It kills me. In my mind, I KNOW i am right and it should be the right thing to have a relationship with my family, they really arent that bad, and if you dont expect much from them you wont be disappointed. But I am terrified at the fact that it is basically an ultimatum and that they may have to be cut off from me for me to get anywhere, and she knows how much it upsets me, but its like it doesnt matter. I know i have written a novel, but I dont know what to do and if anyone out there has any kind of advice, I would truly appreciate it. I view this as the only hurdle in my otherwise perfect marriage. Link to comment
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