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I don't want too.


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Tonight has been totally awful.


I've never felt so empty in months. I might end up loosing my best friend because I've been totally honest with them. And basically I have to sit and wait til they decide if or not to continue being my friend and its killing me cos I love them.


I confined in another close friend and we got talking but I only started to feel worse, I've SI too much tonight but it wasnt even blocking anything, just increasing everything!


My friend started to get really annoyed with me and stuff cos nothing was working but during our talk i also realised I've lied to everyone in my life at least once. I finally told them the truths I had kept from them and they said they still wouldnt give up but I wanted them to give up!


I'm an awful person, I lie and hurt people but then get annoyed when people dont trust me or show me kindness. But when they do say kind stuff to me it goes straight through me where as an insult sticks to me.


I've been thinking about just ending it all night. I really have no answer! The last thing my friend said was "ffs" and they might not see me alive again! I really don't know what to do. I'm so sick of hurting myself and everyone.

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Sometimes it is hard to look at our past and feel we have friends and we do only hurt them but if you really think, you will find many times you made them smile as well, or one opening up to you sharing a problem or two. Some times we have to look at tomorrow to repair the connections we damaged. You wanting to end it today will never resolve the pain you are feeling now and how you friends will feel if you are not there any more.


You said in your post you don't want to hurt them, stop yourself tonight and you have taken the first step not to hurting them anymore.


Big Hugs

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I didn't plan on making it through to today,

I didn't plan on not making it through to today.


I didn't do it obviously. But that was just last night. I've still many problems to face with my friends and myself these moods are getting more frequent and harder to battle and I'm scared that another tap is going to be enough.


I don't know what I want, dying or living, both seem just as bad as each other. And whats harder is I just cant picture peoples emotions if I die, I can't see sadness only relief that they don't have to worry about me anymore.


I've been given two options, I change or I die, but changing requires effort I just can't seem to get and dying requires effort I just can't get.


So I'm stuck in a limbo of this self destruction but also the love of my own life.


Confused and slighty hungry. Lets see how today goes.

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