browneyedgirl36 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Hey Everyone... Just an update on my situation. If you read my post this weekend ("No choice but to move on now..."), you would know that my ex got married this summer to the woman he's been on and off with for over a decade. I work with him, so I have no choice but to see him and talk to him. I was agnonizing all weekend about how to deal with the situation -- how it would come up, what I would say, what he would say, etc. Well...it pretty much went like this: He stopped by my office, making small talk. A few minutes went by, and he mentioned NOTHING about getting married. So...I finally brought it up. Me: "Soooooo....it looks like you have some news," (holding up my hand and pointing to my ring finger). Him: "Yeah, we exchanged rings over the summer." (Not sure what this means -- did they actually get married??? I have no idea.) Me: (Calm, not over-enthusiastic) "Well, congratulations." Him: "Thanks!" A bit more smalltalk, and then...Me: "Sooooo....were you not going to tell me?" Him: "Was I not going to tell you?" Me: "Well, this is pretty big news, and I'm just surprised you didn't tell me." Him: "Well, we just haven't really told anyone." "Me: "Ohhhh. OK." A bit more smalltalk ensued, and that was it. I did not cry. I did not pout. I did not choke up. I did not show any pain or distress or anything. The ONLY thing I did was question whether or not he was going to tell me, and when he gave his response (which I think was bogus, by the way), I simply responded "Oh, ok" and left it at that. I maintained my dignity, which was goal #1 (well, after getting through the conversation without freaking out, which I did!), so it's all good. I admit, I am angry at him for not telling me, for just waiting for me to figure it out. His whole "Well, we didn't really tell anybody" kind of got to me. He said it in the context of telling me that colleagues were approaching him on Friday asking him about whether or not he got married, so basically, to him, I'm just another random colleague, NOT someone with whom he shared any meaningful personal connection. So, basically, I'm just another "anybody" -- never mind the fact that we spent over a year in constant contact, were emotionally and physically intimate, etc. I know he doesn't *owe* me anything, that he wasn't really obligated to tell me -- I guess I just wanted to think that I was slightly more important than some colleague he only sees every once in awhile, and that he cared enough about my feelings to not just have me find out from someone else or some other way. And, I admit I'm still sad, and puzzled. On the way home in the car, I just kept thinking, "A year ago, he was calling me all the time, texting me, being intimate with me, planning to go away with me for the weekend, etc., and now...he's married????" I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I know it's a natural part of life -- people break up and get with other people all the time, people break up with people and marry other people a few months later all the time, but...God, it hurts, and it hurts even more when you can't go NC and can't get away from the person who hurt you, because then you get to see firsthand how they have completely moved on. It's like, suddenly, we're colleagues again, and that's all, and he's fine with that, but there are still some feelings there for me -- mostly feelings of loss and disappointment about the situation more than feelings for him -- and I can't turn those feelings off overnight and just revert to "colleague mode" like he can. In fact, he came to my office several times, just to chat, and though I had told myself I was not going to allow that anymore, I just couldn't tell him I was busy or that I couldn't talk to him right then. I know I still want his approval, and that's something I need to work on -- he has problems with boundaries, and I need to make sure that my boundaries are more clearly defined with him. So, anyway, it's done. It's a relief, in a way. I have felt so nauseous the past few days, and my stomach is finally starting to settle. I still have a lot of questions in my mind, but they are NOT things I want or need to ask him...doing so would do no good. I feel like I just need to keep the status quo and leave it at "Congratulations" and not take the conversation any further. I guess now begins a new chapter of my life...I know that's good, but...it's also sad, and a little scary...I hope I'm up to the challenge.... Thanks to all who responded here. Link to comment
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