Done.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Everyone...

 

Just an update on my situation. If you read my post this weekend ("No choice but to move on now..."), you would know that my ex got married this summer to the woman he's been on and off with for over a decade. I work with him, so I have no choice but to see him and talk to him. I was agnonizing all weekend about how to deal with the situation -- how it would come up, what I would say, what he would say, etc.

 

Well...it pretty much went like this: He stopped by my office, making small talk. A few minutes went by, and he mentioned NOTHING about getting married. So...I finally brought it up. Me: "Soooooo....it looks like you have some news," (holding up my hand and pointing to my ring finger). Him: "Yeah, we exchanged rings over the summer." (Not sure what this means -- did they actually get married??? I have no idea.) Me: (Calm, not over-enthusiastic) "Well, congratulations." Him: "Thanks!" A bit more smalltalk, and then...Me: "Sooooo....were you not going to tell me?" Him: "Was I not going to tell you?" Me: "Well, this is pretty big news, and I'm just surprised you didn't tell me." Him: "Well, we just haven't really told anyone." "Me: "Ohhhh. OK."

 

A bit more smalltalk ensued, and that was it.

 

I did not cry. I did not pout. I did not choke up. I did not show any pain or distress or anything. The ONLY thing I did was question whether or not he was going to tell me, and when he gave his response (which I think was bogus, by the way), I simply responded "Oh, ok" and left it at that. I maintained my dignity, which was goal #1 (well, after getting through the conversation without freaking out, which I did!), so it's all good.

 

I admit, I am angry at him for not telling me, for just waiting for me to figure it out. His whole "Well, we didn't really tell anybody" kind of got to me. He said it in the context of telling me that colleagues were approaching him on Friday asking him about whether or not he got married, so basically, to him, I'm just another random colleague, NOT someone with whom he shared any meaningful personal connection. So, basically, I'm just another "anybody" -- never mind the fact that we spent over a year in constant contact, were emotionally and physically intimate, etc. I know he doesn't *owe* me anything, that he wasn't really obligated to tell me -- I guess I just wanted to think that I was slightly more important than some colleague he only sees every once in awhile, and that he cared enough about my feelings to not just have me find out from someone else or some other way.

 

And, I admit I'm still sad, and puzzled. On the way home in the car, I just kept thinking, "A year ago, he was calling me all the time, texting me, being intimate with me, planning to go away with me for the weekend, etc., and now...he's married????" I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I know it's a natural part of life -- people break up and get with other people all the time, people break up with people and marry other people a few months later all the time, but...God, it hurts, and it hurts even more when you can't go NC and can't get away from the person who hurt you, because then you get to see firsthand how they have completely moved on. It's like, suddenly, we're colleagues again, and that's all, and he's fine with that, but there are still some feelings there for me -- mostly feelings of loss and disappointment about the situation more than feelings for him -- and I can't turn those feelings off overnight and just revert to "colleague mode" like he can. In fact, he came to my office several times, just to chat, and though I had told myself I was not going to allow that anymore, I just couldn't tell him I was busy or that I couldn't talk to him right then. I know I still want his approval, and that's something I need to work on -- he has problems with boundaries, and I need to make sure that my boundaries are more clearly defined with him.

 

So, anyway, it's done. It's a relief, in a way. I have felt so nauseous the past few days, and my stomach is finally starting to settle. I still have a lot of questions in my mind, but they are NOT things I want or need to ask him...doing so would do no good. I feel like I just need to keep the status quo and leave it at "Congratulations" and not take the conversation any further.

 

I guess now begins a new chapter of my life...I know that's good, but...it's also sad, and a little scary...I hope I'm up to the challenge....

 

 

Thanks to all who responded here.

[renaissancewoman101]

Not to be nosy or not, is he married now or not, since it seems like, from what he told you, they exchanged rings (not sure what that means).

 

I do feel for you, esp since you have to deal with him at work and because you also have residual feelings for him. Trust me, I know how you feel. It's hard to be mean and cold to a person that one still has residual feelings for. I know I couldn't do it. It would hurt me too much.

 

I'm not sure how you should deal with this, esp since he still likes to chat with you and visit with you in your office. I do commend you for being strong and resolute, for, if I was in your situation, I'm not sure if I could refrain from talking to him about what happened and just still keeping ties with him (whether it be chatting with him as friends , etc).

 

I don't know how people can just move on from one person to another and not give it another thought. I know I've never been able to do that. Heck, even now, I sometimes miss my ex a bit.

[HeartGoesOn]

Browneyedgirl,

 

My heart goes out to you. You have much more strength than what you thought you had!

 

( Hugsssssss )

 

Take care...

[redhearts]

Gee if I were you I try to get transfered, but then again it may look like your trying to get away from it. But it would be good for ya. He didn't really need to tell you that he got married, no offense, its not your business because you guys aren't close friends or family. (unless you somehow are, my bad!)

 

Just keep your head up!=]

[rapunzel]

hey browneyedgirl -

 

You did great! Kudos to you. You were and are strong and conducted yourself with grace. I agree it is strange that he said 'we exchanged rings"....instead of 'we got married'. Very weird.

 

As to you being just another colleague, you really don't know what is in his head. You may "feel" that way but it doesn't mean he hasn't given it any thought. He may have just not known how to tell you so he chose not to. He may have agonized over you finding out. You just don't know. There could be any number of reasons. It's tough not to take it personally but remember that it really has nothing to do with YOU, it's all about him. Perhaps he was insensitive about the way he did not tell you but for all you know, he may think you're A-OK with things, that you are certainly appearing calm, cool and collected and that you are over him. He also does not know exactly what is in YOUR head. I'm not letting him off the hook here, just pointing out (as you know) that none of us can every truly know what another person is thinking. So don't go lumping yourself into the "just another colleague" category as that is just one possibility and not necessarily the truth. You may have made quite an impression on him but he chose a different direction.

 

So, yes another chapter begins. Life goes on, it's always changing and we have no choice but to keep living and moving forward. My life is also going to have a big change and I don't want to face it but I have to. I'll also have no choice but to move forward.

 

Keep thinking positive thoughts even though right now it is hard. One door closing and another one opening.

 

Time will heal all of us. None of us know what the future holds and we have to believe it will hold quite wonderful things! So let's move forward with open and loving hearts and believe that everything will work out for the best.

 

peace,

rapunzel

[browneyedgirl36]

I have no idea whether he's actually married. I'm not sure what "exchanged rings" means, but I kind of wonder if they're not legally married. It doesn't matter, though, and I didn't ask. To me, for all intents and purposes, they're married.

 

I've decided that, while I will still talk to him, I am NOT talking to him about anything personal. I feel like there's no point in re-hashing everything. He made his choice, and his choice was NOT me. That's really all I need to know. I will only "keep ties" with him as it pertains to work. In fact, I deleted him from my cell phone contacts today. And, I plan to delete him from my AIM buddy list. He can still call me if he chooses to (i'm not blocking his just deleting it), but I doubt he will, and I know I won't be calling or texting him.

 

It's hard...I feel a loss, but....it wasn't meant to be. He's clearly not right for me if he'd let me go, let alone marry someone else. Time to move on 100%.

[browneyedgirl36]

Browneyedgirl,

 

My heart goes out to you. You have much more strength than what you thought you had!

 

( Hugsssssss )

 

Take care...

 

Thanks soooooo much for this. It's funny, as I was sittiing there talking to him, I was thinking, "Is this ME????? Wow! I'm handling this soooo well!"

 

It's actually a huge relief. There's some sadness, and I know there will be some difficult days, but....it feels like a burden has been lifted, for sure.

 

Thanks for your response!

[browneyedgirl36]

Gee if I were you I try to get transfered, but then again it may look like your trying to get away from it. But it would be good for ya. He didn't really need to tell you that he got married, no offense, its not your business because you guys aren't close friends or family. (unless you somehow are, my bad!)

 

Just keep your head up!=]

 

I wish I could get transferred, but...I can't. The only option would be to quit, and I'm not giving up my career over this, for sure.

 

You're right, he didn't NEED to tell me, but since he knew he'd be seeing me, and he had to know the news might be difficult for me, it would have been considerate of him to tell me in advance so that it wasn't a surprise. But, it came out OK.

[JadedStar]

can you transfer to a different area or company? This is going to be uncomfortable for you a lot, and is it necessary for him to come to your office for small talk? Do you two have official business that needs to be discussed? If not, you should ask that he refrain from this behavior. It isn't necessary and isn't going to help you much.

 

You handled it very well, but truth is you should not HAVE to handle it like that at all when you are at work. We go to work and expect to have a comfortable work environment. That does not sound at all comfortable. There is no way i could work with an ex like that when the pain was still toggling near the surface, and surely not in this circumstance where he just got married.

 

I also agree with those who said he didn't have to tell you he got married. Actually he probably thought he was being kind by not bringing it up. I am sure that was his motive, not to be mean.

 

And who cares if transferring shows him you want to be away from it. That is the truth.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel! Thanks for your response. Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't project thoughts onto him. It could very well be that he was reaalllllly uncomfortable telling me, and he just used the "well, we haven't really told anyone" thing as a front. It's hard to believe that he could spend a year and a half telling me how special I am and then completely forget all about that. I doubt he did; he just, as you pointed out, chose another road to go down.

 

I agree, time will heal all of us. I actually feel WAY better today than I did six months ago when he announced they were reconciling. I never thought that hearing he was married would be *better*, but it's a relief in a way. A burden has been lifted, it seems.

 

I hope you are doing OK too. Hang in there, be strong, and don't settle for less than what you deserve!

 

(I will answer your PM soon; I just noticed that I had a notification)

[JadedStar]

and he just used the "well, we haven't really told anyone" thing as a front

 

I really think this was what he felt a protective measure to you and your feelings vs a front. I am sure he felt that it would be hurtful to gloat about this so he was playing it low key.

 

I don't agree with it but understand why. I would likely do the same in a similar circumstance to keep from looking like i was bragging to an ex that I knew was hurting about my marriage.

[browneyedgirl36]

and he just used the "well, we haven't really told anyone" thing as a front

 

I really think this was what he felt a protective measure to you and your feelings vs a front. I am sure he felt that it would be hurtful to gloat about this so he was playing it low key.

 

I don't agree with it but understand why. I would likely do the same in a similar circumstance to keep from looking like i was bragging to an ex that I knew was hurting about my marriage.

 

Yes, you're right, I'm sure he was trying to protect my feelings, but he had to know I'd see the wedding ring (that's how I found out), and that was worse than hearing it from him, really. But, I also realize he wasn't obligated to tell me. It just would have been considerate, in my opinion, if he had told me so that I didn't have to learn it the way I did.

 

I can't change jobs, because I'm a teacher, and there's no transfer option available; the only option would be to quit, and he is absolutely NOT worth me giving up my job. I can limit our interaction, though, and I plan to.

[JadedStar]

No, i would never suggest quitting your job if you can't find another as good or better. But limiting the contact is very key. He doesn't need to stop by and chit chat and it is not admitting any kind of weakness to ask that he doesn't do this. It is only admitting that you don't wish to chit chat any further since the relationship is over. Nothing wrong with that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

How silly of him! I can't help thinking how i would feel if i were his wife and knew he wasn't telling anybody, skulking around talking about 'exchanging rings' rather than just getting it out that he's married! Kind of cowardly and certainly weird!

 

He sounds ambivalent about it, and i wouldn't be surprised if this hasty marriage weren't related to a pregnancy, or she gave him an ultimatum and he caved.

 

The only other people i know who've been so nebulous about announcing a wedding are people whose babies arrive less than 9 months later! they don't want people sitting around calculating the months since the marriage and are embarrassed to admit they knocked somebody off and caved in to a hasty shotgun marriage.

 

But the good news is this certainly gives you closure and you know it is time to move on and permanently scratch him off your list... onward and upward!