am I a psycho?

[lost hansie]

Hi everyone ive just discovered this site and it seems that alot of my issues could be solved here.

I really dont know where to start.

Ok i moved to France last August as part of my job. At the time i was still going out with my boyfriend from the uk of 2 years. By October id met somebody else, a French guy, and my relationship with my UK boyfriend came to a close.

Everything seemed to be going well, until we moved to a different city just the 2 of us. For some reason i feel really insecure here. I have no friends or no family, and if ever i want to talk to someone , or see someone, i either have to make an expensive phone call or buy flights back to Britain. My boyfriend on the other hand can just get in the car when he feels like it and drive back to his old town.

Since we have been here, i am becoming more and more jealous, insecure and almost psychotic in my behaviour. Whenever we go out together whether it be in the town centre or a supermarket or in the car, i always get the impression that he is looking at other girls. I follow his eyes to see where they are looking and they always seem to me that they are looking in the direction of other girls and it really really makes my blood boil, and makes me feel so ugly and insecure. I then go into silent mode, then he senses something is wrong , i say that i saw him looking at other girls and then he says that my behaviour is completely immature and psychotic, leaving me feeling even more worn down. The same happens with films and tv now aswell. Every time i see a sex scene on tv where a womans naked body is shown i get extremely jealous as i keep thinking to myself that he prefers her to me and that he would rather be with someone like her. I get the impression he like girls with big breasts and a curvy bottom, and i have none of these. Am i crazy? Can anyone make me see clearly, because at the moment the worry that i constantly feel about him looking at other girls and that he may cheat on me is eating away at my insides.

[Anonymous122]

The first thing that you have to realize is that it's completely and utterly natural for him to look at other women, and for you to look at other guys. It's not okay if looking progresses to touching, or anything further, but simply looking is natural and healthy!

 

It's not because he doesn't like you, think you're beautiful, or love you to pieces. It's because no matter what, he's never going to 'not' find other people attractive, too; that doesn't mean that anything will ever come of it.

 

You made the choice to move to France, and get into a relationship with this guy, so it's your choice now whether or not you want to go out and make new friends in the area. Don't expect him or anyone else to make your decisions for you, because no one will.

[Lana0120]

I agree with Anon. Also, if he liked women with bigger breasts and a bigger bottom so much more than what you've got on offer, well lost hansie, he wouldn't be with you. It sounds like part of the jealousy is stemming from your insecurities abroad. You feel very alone, so you're hanging onto the one thing you've got in your life right now. Look for some other things to take your mind off your jealousy.

[lost hansie]

thanks for such quick responses. I am currently looking for a job here in the new town, so hopefully that will make me take my mind off the things that are really getting to me right now. The way i feel at the moment i dont feel that i will ever change how i feel, but maybe finding activities that dont include him will help me think more positive. I cant help but think though that when he is looking at other women , he is thinking that he would prefer to be with them or find them more attractive than me. I know im sounding like his world should evolve around me , but i dont think he realises how it makes me feel. I quit my job and social life to move to this new place with him and i just feel that it takes the mick

[Lana0120]

If you're being so jealous and nagging him all the time, then it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He may not have been interested in the rest of what was on offer to start with (beyond a quick glance), but the more you nag him, the more you will push him away from you. No one likes a jealous partner and it's hard to deal with after a while. You may not feel like you'll ever feel differently, but you will. Just work at it, otherwise he really will get tired of your behaviour and walk. When you feel jealous, button your lip, and try and take your mind off it, or make an international phone call and have a good chat to a friend.

[nutbrownhare]

One thing I've noticed about French men is that they really look at women appreciatively (probably a generalisation!); I never feel as sexy and desirable in the UK. Rather than looking at him looking at girls, try to notice the men looking at YOU (and they will be!).

 

Your life situation is one where you are bound to feel isolated, and thereforee more vulnerable to anything which threatens your sense of security (real or imagined). The other posts have given you great advice about taking care of yourself - and once you get a job, you'll be less dependent on your fella emotionally.

 

Good luck!

[ZeldaPrinces]

I think its really unfair that he gets mad at you and calls you names and immature for being jealous. It isn't your fault!

I am completely the same.

 

It isn't natural for him to look at other women! He CHOOSES to. Do you look at other men?

 

You are NOT physco, and if he cared about you he would understand that jealousy is normal in a world where most men only care about appearance and many men are unfaithful and don't devote themselves to their girlfriend/wife as much as she does him.

 

Don't feel weird - many women are the same as you, me included. Tell him that if he cared about you enough he would understand your jealousy, especially when all over the TV we are presented with images of 'perfect' women that men oogle at.

[enlightenme]

Zelda brings up a good point. If you have ever been cheated on, it gets harder and harder not to be jealous. I am working on this one myself. This is a tough one. Just try to pick your battles with him regarding this or you will push him away. And swivel head, if you have a guy like that, unfortunately most times they tend to stay that way. So nagging won't make him stop anyway. I have other issues with my guy at the moment but, swivel head isn't one of them. He is very respectful with how he looks at women. I am not saying he doesn't look, he just isn't disgusting about it. So it varies from guy to guy. But, if you love him you need to get used to his style in looking. Sorry, I wish I could tell you he will stop. Any guy I have ever been with that is like this it never stops.

 

And I definitely agree with everyone else that said this, tend to yourself, that makes any guy hot for you. I promise.

 

And this is advice I need to take myself but it is so damn hard. What you resist persists! The more this bugs you, the more he will do it. So, try your best to work on you and let it be.

[blackgnat]

I have to disagree with the poster that said it isn't natural for her boyfriend to look at other women.

 

It really IS natural. If he's not leering at them or looking too long, then he's just doing what guys do.

 

Women do it, too! This is your own insecurity kicking in and you will push him away if you become too obsessed with his every move.

[Ragdollwasteland]

Yeah, sadly it is VERY hard for guys not to look at other woman but it doesn't mean that you don't have the right to feel upset...

First off, if he really really loved you, he would respect your stance on things and try not not to do it any more... Or at least not in your presense... And the fact that he refers to you as immature, makes him come off as insensitive to your feelings.

Secondly, I wouldn't be the least surprised if he has his own little set of rules for you when it comes to other men.

But since it doesn't sound like he is about to honor your perfectly legitimate feelings, than perhaps you should make a point of looking at other guys in his presense and see how much he likes it.

[ThisGirl]

No one HAS to "check out" members of the opposite sex, unless they WANT to. Even from the other side of the coin, I don't like it when strange men look at me, so I certainly wouldn't want my SO checking out other women in my own presense. The few guys who have tried to convince me that it's "normal" ended up either getting dumped by me, or eventually changing their willful ways. I don't like playing games, but sadly I have to agree with the previous poster: the most effective tactic always seems to be giving them a dose of their own medicine. In one case, it cleared up the problem immediately, after only one time!

 

But if you do feel your insecurity is getting out of control and making you unhappy, doing things for yourself like getting a job, meeting new friends, and taking care of yourself physically always help. And cut down on the sexy movies when you are together. There is too much sex in Hollywood anyway - it's exploitative to the actors, beyond making some viewers feel insecure.

[D1607307904]

Omg i feel the same way as you....it really sucks...

 

 

somtimes i wonder if i should just keep looking for a new man that wont do the things that bother me...

but me and my current bf have been together so long it would be a hassel to find a new man.

[bulletproof]

If everyone reads the original post, you'll see that it says she *thinks* he's looking at other girls. She then goes on to say that whenever she sees a sex scene with a beautiful woman, *she* starts thinking insecure thoughts. He hasn't said a word.

 

It is not okay for her to give him the silent treatment and pick fights based on what she imagines is going on. Whether he really loves her or not, he shouldn't have to put up with accusatory behavior when he hasn't done anything.

 

I used to date a guy who was extremely jealous... we couldn't even watch t.v. together without him accusing me of all sorts of things. And yes, I would get very frustrated and resort to telling him he was crazy. It wasn't right for me to tell him that- I should have just walked away. Eventually, I did.

 

To the o.p.: if you don't want him to walk away from you, try to get a handle on this stuff. I think you are on the right track realizing it's because you are so isolated. Time to address that and pay more attention to what your needs are than what he's doing all the time.