what do you do on those days that the hurt comes back

[goodguy81]

ive been on and off in terms of my pain and anxiety and today it came back strong again (not the worst its been but its bad)..that constant tightness in my chest and its the only thing on my mind

 

i feel like i miss her so much today and just wish she would call ..i know..major relapse..ugh

 

how do you get through this??!? how do i deal with the anxiety

[Dani0613]

I know what you mean about the anxiety; I'm feeling it too. The tightness in my chest, the rapid breathing. The best thing I can tell you is to exercise!!!!! Do something to occupy yourself to keep from thinking too much. Easier said than done, I KNOW. The anxiety is REALLY bad at times for me.

[Loki71]

I either sit and cry ( I know real manly) or I talk to friends and maybe do something to try and keep my mind of it.

[Steve 7745]

I usually start by breathing.

 

Anxiety is a by product of fear. It's your body telling you something is wrong. It's your instincts going off and screaming in your ear that something is wrong. But it's also like a very general alarm, it tells you something is off, but isn't specific as to what.

 

I breath, I relax, I think about what's going on. What's causing my concerns. I rationalize my fears, and come up with a plan of action. I go to it then, and sort the problem out.

 

The anxiety stops after that.

 

Problem is your anxiety comes from someone else, so it's usually a "problem" outside your control. Or is it? Perhaps in worrying about her, you're making her into the problem. Giving her the power to cause fear in you. Why is it worth the pain? Why not relax and remind yourself, "Okay. There's life after her. There's plenty of girls if things go wrong. I'll recover and get on with my life whether or not she's a part of it."

 

Then the anxiety is gone. But what do you know? If you haven't acted poorly on your anxiety, she's still be part of your life. Nifty.

[goodguy81]

the problem is im at work..i just wanna lay in bed and sleep or something

[Sundai]

I can relate. For almost two months. Every page in my journals consist of 2 words. "I hurt". I have no other way to describing it what I am going through. When we give our heart to someone, we give them the power to destroy us. I fight every bone in my body not to be be bitter because it just isn't me to be so but right now I just hurt from the missing and wanting.

 

I miss him but when I ask myself if I want him back I find myself saying that I never want to go through this again with him or anyone for that matter.

[riley123]

Do the following:

 

1. Take out a piece of paper and number it 1 through 10.

2. Write down some of the traits, characteristics, mannerisms, etc., that absolutely drove you crazy. Think really hard -- she's not perfect.

3. Read the list over a few times. Repeat whenever you start to feel bad.

4. If you can, go for a quick walk and take a few deeps breaths.

5. Do something that you enjoy tonight.

 

Take care.

[journogirl]

hey goodguy

well if you are at work get some air

if you are close to colleagues email them and say you are feeling rough and do they want to take a breather with you

having someone to talk to can rationalise any fears and set your mind a little at ease

 

i have been there and its so hard i am still struggling and feeling low

 

thinking of you x

[goodguy81]

i think whats affecting me is the following situation:

 

on friday or maybe saturday, i saw that she updated her pics on myspace to her and her new man kissing and her outgoing message saying shes in love (this after only a month or so with this guy supposedly)..that killed me but i got over it after a few

 

but then on sun night, she unexpectedly calls and leaves a voicemail saying shes sorry that she put those pics up and shes tryign to convince herself that shes over me..and sent me texts to come over and talk..i didnt go cuz my friends were over and i didnt think i wanted to see her..so i txted back that i couldnt

 

on monday i texted saying sorry i couldnt talk and that i hope all is well...received no response..then today i called because i became increasing curious about why she called

 

im so confused and feel like im going crazy..i dont know if she wanted to talk so she can release her own guilt or if she had something to tell me or what

 

ughhh

[devotedtoher]

Maybe Riley's suggestion will help. After four full years I can't come up with 10 things though. That's just me

 

The last time I went through this I didn't talk to a lot of people about it, at least not more than "hey this is what I'm going through, just so you know". I found it helped to write about what was going on and what I was feeling. I made a text file on my laptop and just typed until I got over it or got bored. I wanted to call her, talk to her, tell her things, but I couldn't - so I'd type it out.

 

It helped a lot.

[riley123]

Yup, you nailed it. She's trying to alleviate her guilt.

The best thing you can do in these situations is not over analyze. Remember, she’s with someone new. That’s all you need to know.

 

Don’t bother calling her back – you don’t owe her anything anymore. Write the list, stay no contact, and focus on yourself.

 

Oh yea, stop checking her Myspace page – your only holding yourself back from healing.

[goodguy81]

Yup, you nailed it. She's trying to alleviate her guilt.

The best thing you can do in these situations is not over analyze. Remember, she’s with someone new. That’s all you need to know.

 

Don’t bother calling her back – you don’t owe her anything anymore. Write the list, stay no contact, and focus on yourself.

 

Oh yea, stop checking her Myspace page – your only holding yourself back from healing.

 

 

thats what i figured she was doing..but then why send a text saying "its getting kina late. maybe we can talk another time. I love you"..ugh shes driving me insane..and i was doing pretty well with myspace..i used to check it daily and i was up to a week or week and a half without checking it..but its kind of hard not to check her page after she changes her outgoing picture to them kissing..its kind of hard to miss

[testcase]

Opppf Goodguy it's gonna suck for a little. Remember our timelines are pretty similar. The big difference is she is still very much a part of your life. Really just go NC, don't respond to her... try not to think about what she's doing. It does get easier it just takes time away from her.

[ccali78]

First of all I hate text messages. In my next relationship there will be none of that (unless it is a simple I am thinking of you). It is the downfall of communication and a relationship. I did not need to talk to my ex we typed our life story out...

 

I would say to not focus on all the good. I know for me there was good and I love those good times but there was so much more pain. The pain will keep me strong this time. The pain will keep me from not talking to him. I do not care if he ever calls me again today because honestly what is there to talk about. Nothing!!! I cannot forget that he dated so soon. I may be able to forgive but never forget. If he loved me the way he did for 4.5 years he would have never moved on so quickly and hid it from me.

 

Sorry but keep strong and let her go. If she stays in the relationship and you feed her ego that relationship will work out...

[riley123]

Well, you guys were together for 9 years -- I'd imagine the guilt is catching up with her.

 

She's not being fair to you at all. Telling you she loves you after posting pictures of her with someone else is absurd.

 

There is no magic formula. Only time and distance will get you to a better place. My ex broke up with me after 8 years -- 7 months later -- I feel like a new person.

 

One day you will too.

[ccali78]

Riley did you start NC from day 1 after the break-up or how long has it taken. We broke up 4/3/08 and I am finally ready. What is the average length of time it takes.

[riley123]

I don't want to high jack goodguy's thread. I'll send you a PM.

[Karmageddon]

thats what i figured she was doing..but then why send a text saying "its getting kina late. maybe we can talk another time. I love you"..ugh shes driving me insane..and i was doing pretty well with myspace..i used to check it daily and i was up to a week or week and a half without checking it..but its kind of hard not to check her page after she changes her outgoing picture to them kissing..its kind of hard to miss

 

Doing things like this is amazingly cruel to you. Sending you a text after a break up telling you she loves you, but is with someone else. It's selfish and cruel. But it sounds like you need to stop returning her calls & texts & definitely stop looking at her page. I know its hard.

[journogirl]

her picture is of them kissing?

how amazingly insensitive!

x

[goodguy81]

ugh so she ended up calling me this morning and we spoke for a little bit..she told me that she was crying last night thinking about us..and that she misses me..but is afraid of jumping back into it because according to her "it didnt work the first time" which to me is a bunch of crap

 

she also started asking alot of questions regarding my personal life cuz she knows i went on dates..i ended up tellin her i did kiss someone which made her say that will help her get over me easier or something to that affect and then she got really upset when i mentioned that i went to a game with someone (going to games for this particular team was something that me and my ex shared and really enjoyed tog) so she said that her hurt her..more so than if i would have slept with the girl (i thnk she is trying to make me feel bad for it and justify her sleeping with her new man or somethign)

 

she says she is still open to talking about us this week..ugh

 

any advice..should i stop picking up the phone or if shes willing to talk..still be open..ugh

[testcase]

PLEASE STOP ANSWERING HER CALLS. MAN EVERYONE HAS SAID SHE IS TOXIC. Whew you need some time without her screwing with your mind man. Seriously. Hell I'd even change my number what she is doing is extremely inconsiderate.

 

9 years where I'm sure it's stable, fun, caring, loving all that good stuff. Then this? Cut her out of your life man. She is not that person now you fell in love with ~10 years ago.

[Karmageddon]

It's time for you to decide what you want, whats good for you and to stick to it. This woman broke off with you 6 weeks before your wedding and was seeing someone else like a month after? something like that right? So instead of giving you the peace of now being able to pick up the pieces and move on, she continues to string you along...because she can. So if you want to live the crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions, no trust & questionable love, go back to her. And when she does this again b/c that is typically what happens we will be here. But if for one moment you decide to choose your worth as a good person over and above all this drama, then you know in your heart that you deserve better. But only you can allow someone to treat you poorly, only you can draw the line in the sand and say "no more". No one says any of this is easy, but if it also sucks your way now, isn't it worth a try?

[goodguy81]

she contacted me saying that she wants to talk tomorrow...not sure what her real goal here is..if she wants to make herself feel better by "talking it out" and coming to the conclusion that we can't be together or to truly talk about what happened

 

any advice?

[ccali78]

You will never know the true answers. They never tell the true answers. There are moments of clarity where their conscious takes over and says be honest and then back to hiding it.

 

Just move on. and remember if it is meant to be it will and if not then it wont. Best of luck and keep posting

[goodguy81]

should i still go to see if its meant to be..she sounded like that is what she wanted to talk about