After ten months my ex is still messing with my head

[Mustang]

Some of you will know the story regarding my ex. I won't go into it in greater detail because I don't really want to bring it all back up again but basically, she broke up with me when she started university and got with someone else almost instantly. This has been a very hard thing to deal with because I'm still not at the stage where I'm ready to be with anybody else. But I digress....

 

The break up wasn't nice. I didn't handle it very well at all. It killed me. I loved my ex more than anything and I was hurt that she seemed so cool and emotionless about the break up. She just broke up with me one minute and then found it perfectly easy to act like nothing had ever happened. This would upset me even more because I would ask myself things like "after two years, how the hell can she just switch off and treat me like a stranger?!"

 

She played the "I want to be friends" card but she never really acted on it. OK, she'd reply to text messages every now and then but only because I guess she felt guilty and didn't want to come accross as being rude.

 

I realised after a while that I had to go NC because I wasn't healing and she was only getting closer to someone else and further away from me. She'd start treating me like a stranger more and more and I'd get angry/upset/hurt/etc.

 

It's been almost three months of NC now and I'm really a hell of a lot better. I've started dating again and I feel ready to get back into another relationship if the right girl comes along.

 

But the one thing that kills me is that my ex and I never talk anymore. We were together for nearly two years and were closer than I ever thought I could be with someone. To go from that to not speaking... it just seems like such a waste seeing as she was once the only person I could open up to and the only person I could be my true self around.

 

I went to a festival over the weekend and I bumped into one of her best friends a few times. The topic of my ex came up and I told her friend that it was a shame that we weren't friends and that I hoped that we could be. I told her friend that I was over everything. She's been with someone new since day one and I'm over it all now and happy for her.

 

Her friend said that my ex has said similar things. I half joked saying that my ex can say things but not mean them and that she probably hates me. Her friend said of course she doesn't. She then invited me to go with her to meet my ex to watch a band. I politely declined. I didn't want to put my ex in a position where she'd HAVE to see me.

 

Anyway, last night, I sent my ex a message on Facebook (less personal than a text or phone call) just to ask if she enjoyed the festival. Nothing too full on, just a friendly two sentence message to try and break the ice. No response.

 

I'm not upset about it. If she doesn't respond. Fine. I just think it's rude to completely ignore someone. Why on earth after all this time is my ex still being weird with me? I've told her that I'm fine with everything and that I really want to be friends and she's always said that she wants to be friends too. But she's never really acted on it. Is she just too scared to tell me that she doesn't want to be friends and is hoping that I'll get the message? I thought I was worth a bit more than that.

 

I don't care if she's with someone new but I get the impression that my ex thinks I'm trying to win her back. Which I'm not. As I said, it's just really sad that somebody I cared about and still care about is not part of my life.

 

What I don't get is that my ex was the one to beg me to be friends with her when she broke up with me. I told her that I couldn't go from being with her to just being friends and she got so so so upset. I cracked and remained friends with her. All that did was make the break up less harsh for her. Now she's got someone else she probably has no need or desire to speak to me. Which is pretty hurtful.

 

There's nothing I can say or do anymore. I'm trying to build bridges and forget everything but for some reason it seems my ex wants nothing more to do with me. Which confuses me because her friends still talk to me and seem to be sympathetic and understanding about the situation. I know girls and if my ex really hated me then she'd tell her friends to not speak to me. I just don't get what the hell is going through my ex's head.

 

Back to NC I guess.

[Daegas]

You claim she replaced you, yet you don't get what is going on in her head? That's weird man. Are you sure you understand what is going on in your head? Why obsess over it? Are you just finding a reason to keep what you feel for her alive because the "feelings" you experience are that important to you?

[Mustang]

You claim she replaced you, yet you don't get what is going on in her head? That's weird man. Are you sure you understand what is going on in your head? Why obsess over it? Are you just finding a reason to keep what you feel for her alive because the "feelings" you experience are that important to you?

 

I've tried to imagine it from the other side. If I was with someone else and had been for quite a while then I don't see why I'd have to outright ignore somebody I once cared about. The only reason I'd ignore an ex if I was with someone else is if I still had feelings for them and it would be too hard and confusing to be friends. I admit that in the early stages I settled for friendship but wanted more and maybe my ex is worried that I'm still feeling that way. But I'm not. I just hate the awkwardness.

 

But she was the one that wanted to be friends in the first place and as I mentioned, her friend told me that my ex doesn't like the fact that we're strangers now. Which is why I got back in contact with her.

 

I'm not obsessing over it. I'm just confused. Surely it'd just be easier to be honest rather than saying you want to be friends with someone when you don't mean it.

 

It's been ten months. I am not trying to win my ex back. I just don't like having enemies. Especially with somebody I was once so close with. I just want things to be cool. I do still care about her yes but don't confuse that with wanting her back. She's with someone else. I've had months and months and months to get over that. These things happen. I could just so easily be with someone else now. Even if I was, I would still want to be friends with my ex because she was an important part of my life.

 

I don't appreciate being ignored by anybody. I'd be just as upset if a friend that's not an ex outright ignored me without a reason. Obviously it's different because of our history but it's the same thing.

 

I've told her in the past that I know about her and her "new" guy. She let me figure it out for myself. She never told me. So she's got no reason to hide anything from me anymore. I've made peace with everything in my head.

 

I just wish she'd tell me to leave her alone, * * * * off, whatever rather than just ignoring me and hope I'll go away. It's childish and hurtful. I could never imagine treating her this way if things were the other way around. Especially if she was trying to make peace. But then I guess that just says something about her and not about me.

 

Shame.

[denise_14]

when breaking up, i think most girls would say that they want to keep the friendship. however, we can never tell if they only said that out of courtesy, for old time's sake, or they are just confused they didn't know what to say at the moment.

 

to be fair, let's not judge the sincerity of your ex when she said that she wants to keep your friendship. However, keep in mind that she already has someone new now and things have changed. maybe, being friends simply means that you are in good terms and you don't hate each other. maybe, that's her idea of a friendship with you, for now.

[Mustang]

keep in mind that she already has someone new now and things have changed. maybe, being friends simply means that you are in good terms and you don't hate each other. maybe, that's her idea of a friendship with you, for now.

 

I can understand that. It makes sense. But I'd rather her tell me that rather than ignoring me completely. We never see each other and we never will. I don't see the harm in catching up via texts and emails every now and then.

 

It seems to me that she doesn't want to be friends (or be friendly) but is too cowardly to tell me the truth. Which makes it easier for her. No matter how I dress it, she's ignoring me and hoping I'll go away.

 

She's never spoken to me about the new guy. Which I can understand is probably a bit awkward for her to do but I have accepted everything now. If she's moved on and is happy, great. But why hide it all from me? I don't care anymore. I don't get why she feels like she has to cut me out of her completely life to be with someone else. Are we only allowed to speak to each other when we're both single?

 

I wouldn't have bothered to get back in contact with her last night but her friend told me over the weekend that I should give it a go. I feel a bit stupid now.

 

I'd rather her say to me: "I have a new life that I don't want you to be a part of. Leave me alone" then just ignore me and make me feel like I never mattered to her.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

 

I don't care if she's with someone new but I get the impression that my ex thinks I'm trying to win her back. Which I'm not.

 

you are.

 

This has been going on a long time. She may feel like she cant 'shake you' because from your previous posts, you keep intermittently contacting her.

 

That can actually be scary, when you just cant get rid of a guy and he wants to be your 'friend'.

 

She finished your relationship, and has a new boyfriend, who to all intents and purposes is quite happy with.

 

you need to GO AWAY...TOTALLY.... just LEAVE her alone. If she wanted to message you about the festival..she would have.

 

All this contact your keeping up is not helping you to win her back. In fact its keeping her running away...

[Mustang]

you are.

 

This has been going on a long time. She may feel like she cant 'shake you' because from your previous posts, you keep intermittently contacting her.

 

That can actually be scary, when you just cant get rid of a guy and he wants to be your 'friend'.

 

She finished your relationship, and has a new boyfriend, who to all intents and purposes is quite happy with.

 

you need to GO AWAY...TOTALLY.... just LEAVE her alone. If she wanted to message you about the festival..she would have.

 

All this contact your keeping up is not helping you to win her back. In fact its keeping her running away...

 

OK, firstly, can I point out what I said about her wanting to be friends with me when she broke up with me. She said she didn't want to lose me completely.

 

If she wanted rid of me as you put it, she could've told me ages ago. I've given her plenty of opportunities in the past to open up and tell me to leave her alone and she's always said that she doesn't want that.

 

I'm not a crazy stalker. I only contacted her yesterday because her friend spoke to me over the weekend and told me that my ex has mentioned it's a shame how things are now. I'm not trying to win her back. I was. But I accepted things a long time ago and I should've moved on a lot sooner than I actually did.

 

I don't buy the idea of once an ex moves on that you have to just completely forget that anything ever happened. I could be with someone new now but I would still care about my ex. I still care about all my previous ex girlfriends. Are you saying I want all of them back too?

 

The reason I am confused is not because I want her back. I am confused as to why my ex can say things she doesn't mean. What's the point? It'd make me look less like an idiot if she just put me straight.

 

It's not a big deal. It was almost two months or so of NC and I'll go back to it. I just don't get it. Her friend mentioned that my ex still talks about me at times and that she doesn't like how the situation is now.

 

I know actions speak louder than words but why bother saying things you don't mean time and time again? Why not just tell me that she doesn't want to speak to me and that she wants me to leave her and her boyfriend to it? Surely that's easier to do than having me hanging around? It's hurtful to be ignored. I feel like an idiot.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It's a dynamic and changing world. By that i mean, something that meant a lot to you at one time in your life may totally change and your life changes and evolves.

 

Yes, you were once close. And yes you were once boyfriend/girlfriend. And you broke up and she asked you to be friends, but you begged and pleaded and it got messy. And she got a new boyfriend.

 

Mustang, you can't freeze time where you are both intimate and the best of friends. That changed, i'm sorry. Things happened that caused the breakup, and things happened after the breakup that altered the dynamics of the relationship.

 

You can't undo what happened and ignore the fact that things fell apart between you. It isn't that you didn't matter to her, it's that you don't matter to her now in the same way, and in fact, she may see your presense and behavior as counterproductive to her current relationship and herself.

 

Most relationships that break up eventually do end up with the parties ceasing to communicate, as new partners come in and their lives change and move on. It is just how the world works. She may think of you fondly sometimes when remembering some happy times in the past, but that doesn't mean she wants you as an active part of her current life.

 

Her silence now may be because she told you so many times before that she no longer felt the same way and you refused to accept it. And she is afraid to stir up that hornet's nest. Or that she has moved on and is serious enough with the new boyfriend that having an old boyfriend lurking around makes her boyfriend uncomfortable so she respects him enough not to contact you.

 

Whatever the reason, you have to let go.

 

I think you have to deep down examine your own motivation. If you were truly over her at this point, this wouldn't be making you angry and upsetting you. You would have more of an 'oh well' attitude towards it, and be focusing on the current people in your life, not people from the past who are problematic at best, with potential to set back your healing if you keep trying to hang onto them.

[Mustang]

My attitude is "oh well" now. I'd been in NC for almost two months as I said. I only got back in contact with her because I had a conversation with one of her best friends over the weekend. Had I not then I wouldn't have bothered.

 

I can understand what you're saying. It just seems such a waste. And I do wish that my ex would tell me at least something rather than just ignoring me. It'd be it easier from both sides. I wouldn't be wasting my time and making an idiot of myself and she'd be able to get rid of me for good if she came out and say it.

 

I won't feel bad for getting back in touch with her to see how she is. I think part of the trouble is that I am best friends with a previous ex. Maybe that's actually a very rare thing and I just assume it is the norm.

 

As I said before, I could easily have a new girlfriend now. I'd still want to be friends with my ex. I certainly wouldn't ignore her if she tried to speak to me in a friendly way. Just because I'm not with her anymore, it doesn't mean that I have to stop caring. Maybe that's not the norm but it's the way I am.

 

But I've told her that I give up and I'll just get back to NC. A friendship shouldn't be this hard and for whatever reason she doesn't want to be and doesn't even care about me enough to tell me so. I won't blame myself for trying.

[nutbrownhare]

I am friends with nearly all my ex's. The ones where it really doesn't work are the ones where the guy still has a lot of unfinished business around me and gets angry/upset/hurt etc - just as you are describing. Does your 'caring' come out in a way which is light-hearted and easy to be with? Or is it more likely to provoke feelings of guilt or exasperation in her?

 

I firmly believe it's possible to be friends after a break-up. It might take a long time, though, and my guess is that you've got a lot of healing to do before you can be friends with her without distressing yourself.

 

Ironically enough, it's when you don't mind either way that you're really ready to have that friendship!

[Mustang]

I am friends with nearly all my ex's. The ones where it really doesn't work are the ones where the guy still has a lot of unfinished business around me and gets angry/upset/hurt etc - just as you are describing. Does your 'caring' come out in a way which is light-hearted and easy to be with? Or is it more likely to provoke feelings of guilt or exasperation in her?

 

I firmly believe it's possible to be friends after a break-up. It might take a long time, though, and my guess is that you've got a lot of healing to do before you can be friends with her without distressing yourself.

 

Ironically enough, it's when you don't mind either way that you're really ready to have that friendship!

 

No point talking about it anymore. She's not going to speak to me ever again and I refuse to make an idiot out of myself by trying again only to be ignored.

 

The only time I get angry is when she starts ignoring me like she is doing. She then twists it round to justify her decision. I still can't believe that this is how she wants things to end but there's nothing I can do about it. She's made her choice.

 

Maybe the only time she'll ever really know how I feel is if/when it happens to her. Right now, she's with somebody new and has a new life that she dumped me for. Until that ends, I've got nothing to offer her. A friendship shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be this hard.

 

It's obvious that I still care about her (and probably still love her on some level) but I've been out on enough dates in the past six months or so to know I'm ready to move on as soon as I meet the right person. I'm not trying to win her back. Although I realise that my actions might suggest otherwise. It's just that I hate the situation being what it is and the more I try to sort things out, the worse I made things it seems.

 

Part of me thinks that if we actually just met up a lot of things would go away. Things have become so distorted. But I give up. I've been here before and each time it becomes clear that the sooner I forget her the better.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

mustang.. no one wants to upset you.

 

Honestly x

 

You asked for opinions and the ladies are giving them, but you seem upset that your not hearing what you want to hear.

 

Be Strong Be Happy has a point when she says that what your g/f said when you broke up was then, and this is now. you know, it could be argued, that you can only really hold someone to what they say for a week and all bets are off after that.

 

We can tell when a guy is still harbouring feelings. We can tell. And if we dont want to encourage it, we dont respond. You say it makes you angry that she doesnt respond but she has the RIGHT NOT TO RESPOND!

 

She's not your girlfriend, she's somebody else's now. She has a new guy. He is probably not encouraging her to respond either. You cant alter the situation by rehashing or reanalysing.

 

I KNOW how hard it is. My ex has a new partner that he's been with since 2 weeks after our break up. How do you think that makes me feel? but i havent chased or even tried to initiate contact because.....whats the point?

 

and thats in spite of the fact that he said 'lets stay friends'.. yeah right, blah blah, blah

 

if he comes back he does, if he doesnt he doesnt, but i know making the odd initiation will only serve to hurt me emotionally if im rejected or not responded to, and so do you.

 

You are CHOOSING to be rejected by putting yourself in these situations, so JUST STOP!

 

Im not saying this nastily.. Im honestly trying to help you, because I dont think you see how she is seeing it.

 

If she wanted your contact, she'd respond, and as i just said before..the more you chase the more she will run

[Mustang]

Thanks. I'll just leave it. The whole thing is just so frustrating. I just wish I could live life without having all this hanging over me. I want to make peace and just be content.

 

I do wish she would be a bit upfront with me. I think it's very rude to completely ignore me the way she has continually done. I can understand why she may be unwilling but I'm one of those people that would rather know why somebody hates me rather than them just ignoring me.

 

I get it from my dad. My dad always wants to solve problems.

 

But it's done. She doesn't care and has made that perfectly clear. I never wanted it to be like this and I never thought it would be after how close we once were. But at least I can walk away knowing I did everything I could. Not good enough for her obviously but it's better to regret something I have done rather than something I haven't right?

 

But it is her loss. She doesn't want me as a friend. Fair enough.

[jenny_mcs]

From looking at your previous threads, this seems like a pattern with you. You send her messages under the guise of friendship, but when she doesn't react how you want (she doesn't want to meet up with you, doesn't say the things you want) you get very angry.

 

Didn't you send her a message not too long ago saying you were going to completely disappear form her life? And now here it is a little bit later and you are sending her another message.

 

Your actions scream that you are not over her. Complete NC is the only way to go.

[Mustang]

From looking at your previous threads, this seems like a pattern with you. You send her messages under the guise of friendship, but when she doesn't react how you want (she doesn't want to meet up with you, doesn't say the things you want) you get very angry.

 

Didn't you send her a message not too long ago saying you were going to completely disappear form her life? And now here it is a little bit later and you are sending her another message.

 

Your actions scream that you are not over her. Complete NC is the only way to go.

 

I don't want her back. After all this time and all that's gone on, how the hell would it work?

 

I'm just sad that things are how they are and I really want to put things right. I don't care about her and her guy. At all. I've had long enough to deal with that. I'm genuinely glad that she's happy. I'm just angry that she completely ignores me. All I said was hello and asked her if she had fun at Reading (festival). Her friend told me to contact her. I spoke to her friend backstage and she said that my ex doesn't hate me and hates the situation just as much as I do. I'm a bit pissed off that her friend told me to get in touch with her. I'm annoyed that I got sucked back in. I had managed two months or so of NC and was doing well. I tried to build bridges and I'm left feeling like an idiot. And that upsets me. I don't care about the past anymore. It's done.

 

I know people will say "if you don't want her back then why do you care that she's ignoring you?" well the answer is simple. I would feel the same way if an old friend started ignoring me. I would feel the same as a father that was being ignored by his kids.

 

If she just said "I don't feel comfortable being friends because...." then I would understand. I would explain things. I never see her. I don't see why we have to be enemies and ignore one another. It's been far too long now.

 

I'm going back to NC because it's the only option but I do miss talking to her. She was a huge part of my life and it seems such a waste to have nothing now. It hurts me that she doesn't give a * * * * about me enough to even respond with a simple hello. As I said earlier, even if I had a girlfriend now, I would still think of my ex and I would still want nothing but the best for her. Is that such a bad thing?

 

It's not nice to feel hated by anybody. Especially somebody that once cared about you/somebody that you care about. I just want things to be normal. No awkwardness. I guess all this does is prove that she never loved me as much as she said she did. She dumped me and started treating me like a complete stranger and has done ever since. Nothng I can do. I'll go back to NC. It just seems such a waste after being with somebody for so long and it makes me sad that this is how she wants to end things.

 

I'm sure I'll have many more girlfriends in my life. I'm not the sort of person to just go "oh that's an ex... who cares?". Call me an idiot but I still care about people that I shared a connection with.

 

I'm not crying myself to sleep. I'm not jealous of her boyfriend. I can see photos of them together and not really care. I've accepted it. Nothing I can do about it. I just hate the fact that she's slammed the door in my face and made me feel like I never meant anything to her. But don't confuse that with me wanting her back.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

the opposite of love isnt hate...its INDIFFERENCE.

 

Your not over her if she can invoke anger or any other emotion in you. Women are VERY perceptive. its a primitive survival mechanism. the slightest HINT of anger can be detected. You must be careful your not morphing into stalker in her mind.

 

Im NOT saying your a stalker, but what I mean is, In her mind.

 

If she puts you in this category you have NO CHANCE of beings friends or anything else to be honest. These little messages that you think of as innocent and friendly, she see's as uh ohh he still likes me and he hasnt gone away..and it could start her thinking how to shake you off and see you as a stalker. Can you see what Im trying to say?

 

sorry if im not explaining myself very well, but only when you have ABSOLUTELY NO EMOTION over her, either positive or negative, can you ever really be just friends.

 

I am honestly trying to help you mustang x I hope you can see what I'm trying to say?

[Mustang]

Oh yeah. I get that. I totally understand where you're coming from.

 

But what bugs me is that she can consider me to be some crazy person when she went out with me for so long. Surely she must be able to understand that how she's treating me is hurting me and was partly to do with how I acted in the past. I am not a horrible or creepy guy. I'm sure deep down she knows that too. It just kills me that she's scared of me/hates me now. I never wanted that.

 

I contacted her with no emotion. Two months ago. She ignored me then. I contacted her yesterday saying hello and she ignored me again. Forgive me for getting upset at being ignored for no reason. I appreciate that she's scared or whatever but I know the score. She's got a new boyfriend now. Why on earth does that mean that she has to cut me out completely? How can I ruin things for her? I never see her and she should have no problem talking to me if she's happy with someone else. It'd be different if I didn't know the truth and she had a guy she was keeping secret (like she was in the beginning).

 

I'm sick of all of it. I just was normality and she just makes me feel worse for trying to make peace. I very much doubt she cares. In fact, she's probably slagging me off to all of her friends and telling them how much of a loser/stalker I am. All I'm trying to do is be nice and put the past behind us and just be able to be cool.

 

I don't want enemies but I have no choice as far as she's concerned.

 

I don't get it. I am not allowed to be nice because it gives her the wrong idea. Yet if I'm mean to her it justifies her decision. I can't be bothered with game playing anymore. I care about her yes and just want us to at least be civil with each other.

 

If she'd just contact me to tell me how she's feeling then I'd leave her alone. Her ignoring me just makes me feel worthless and even more insecure. And she was the one to dump me for someone else and lie about it yet she's making me feel like everything's my fault.

 

Forgive the rant, been drinking all day.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Oh yeah. I get that. I totally understand where you're coming from.

 

But what bugs me is that she can consider me to be some crazy person when she went out with me for so long.

 

I'm not saying she does...yet...but if you continue this way, she might.

 

Surely she must be able to understand that how she's treating me is hurting me and was partly to do with how I acted in the past. I am not a horrible or creepy guy. I'm sure deep down she knows that too. It just kills me that she's scared of me/hates me now. I never wanted that.

 

she understands enough to know that if she contacts or responds to you, you will up the messaging ante... which makes me think that she thinks you DO want more, she doesnt, she ended it...another reason not to contact you.

 

YOU may be someone who keeps in touch with his ex's on a 'friends' basis but maybe she isnt, and maybe she's uncomfortable with it. I mean, how many non responses do you want before you get her message?

 

I contacted her with no emotion.

 

If you werent contacting her with emotion, what were you contacting her with? what was the motivation?

 

Two months ago. She ignored me then. I contacted her yesterday saying hello and she ignored me again. Forgive me for getting upset at being ignored for no reason. I appreciate that she's scared or whatever but I know the score.

 

your not being ignored for no reason. There is a reason. She ended your relationship because she didnt want contact. She clearly has no desire to respond or stay in touch, but for some reason which is honestly failing me you dont seem to be able to pick up that message?

 

She's got a new boyfriend now. Why on earth does that mean that she has to cut me out completely?

 

Is this honestly a real question? she has a NEW boyfriend. He wont want his girlfriend contacting her ex will he? Would you like it if you got a new girlfriend and she kept getting contacted by her ex and she was chatting away with him etc?

 

How can I ruin things for her? I never see her and she should have no problem talking to me if she's happy with someone else.

 

why would she want to talk to you if she's happy with her new man and keep raking up the past?

 

I'm sick of all of it.

 

you can bet your bottom dollar she is too!

 

I just was normality and she just makes me feel worse for trying to make peace. I very much doubt she cares. In fact, she's probably slagging me off to all of her friends and telling them how much of a loser/stalker I am. All I'm trying to do is be nice and put the past behind us and just be able to be cool.

 

she's probably too busy getting a life to spend time slagging you off

 

I don't want enemies but I have no choice as far as she's concerned.

 

now your at it again, putting words into her mouth. She's never mentioned enemies, only friends as in no hard feelings I imagine, but you just dont seem to see that, and have taken it literally to mean you can be friends and chatting on the phone, texting, hanging out etc...blimey if you were doing all that why break up? thats what g/f and b/f's do

 

I don't get it. I am not allowed to be nice because it gives her the wrong idea. Yet if I'm mean to her it justifies her decision. I can't be bothered with game playing anymore. I care about her yes and just want us to at least be civil with each other.

 

you could be nice by leaving her alone and letting her get on with her life. And be nice by wishing her well, and be nice by beginning to heal instead of hurt, and get out and about and meet someone new. you have pidgeon holed 'being nice' to mean insisting she stay friends and reply to you.

 

If she'd just contact me to tell me how she's feeling then I'd leave her alone.

 

Why should she do that? I dont understand? didnt her breaking off your relationship and getting a new man tell you how she was feeling? Not happy being with you is the answer or she wouldnt have broken it off!

 

I know that sounds harsh, and I accept it is a bit, but I've had to face the same thing. My ex didnt want me either! OUCH! but these things happen and you have to face it, feel it, and get over it

 

Her ignoring me just makes me feel worthless and even more insecure.

 

were getting to the nub of the problem right here. Maybe you feel abandoned and thats a horrible feeling. Look at your past relationships and see if theres any patterns? or if theres anything in your family situation that might give you abandonment issues, and where you may have got the control issues from?

 

I cant say for sure about the abandonment because Im not a therapist or anything, but I can say I think you have control issues because your still trying to control your ex g'friend and guilt her into responses.

 

And she was the one to dump me for someone else and lie about it yet she's making me feel like everything's my fault.

 

1. shes allowed to dump you. Its not nice. No one likes it. Being dumped stinks, BUT, shes allowed to do it, so thats number 1,

 

and number 2. Shes not making you feel like everythings your fault, your making yourself feel it, and now your feeling sorry for yourself. I know your hurting, I wish I could just flip a switch and turn the hurt off but I cant, no one can but YOU can make a start. Do the list of horrible things that you always hated about her. Everyones got some bad habits! and get out and about and meet some new people. I know you are doing etc, going to concerts and festivals, but even at that concert the main focus wasnt the actual concert and the music was it? it was her Auntie and the meeting etc which you posted about for a month before it, it came to nothing, and you were on a downer again which you posted about all the next week!

 

you have to make a decision to get her out of your head and then make a practical start on it ... FOR YOUR OWN SAKE and sanity

 

 

Forgive the rant, been drinking all day

 

and that wont help! (sorry to sound like your mum lol)

 

dont know if any of the above will make a blind jot of difference but ive said it anyway and you can pick it up or leave it here. I wont be offended either way. Just want to see you a happier person x

 

Hopey x

[Mustang]

I appreciate your words. I'm not offended by what you say.

 

The only thing is, I've said things to my ex in the past about "should I just leave you alone now?" and she's always said no and pulled me back in. She's always said I'm not getting. The reason why I get so confused is because she says one thing and then acts the complete opposite way. It leaves me feeling so confused which then leads me to getting upset/sad/angry/etc/blah blah.

 

I know she doesn't HAVE to do anything anymore but I do wish she'd have cared about me enough to be honest. To email me and just tell me how she was feeling - even if that was "I don't want to be friends in the way that you do", it would have saved myself a lot of embarrassment and I wouldn't have turned into a pathetic ex in her mind.

 

As you said, she's too busy with her new life and guy to be caring about me or how I feel. Fair enough.

 

I wish I didn't hang out with her friend at the weekend. That brought it all back. Her friend gave me a nudge to contact my ex again and I feel like I've gone back ten steps.

 

* * * * it. I can't be bothered anymore. I've tried. I know I've come accross as pathetic, needy and clingy but my ex has just been so cold with me that I've had to try and work everything out in my head. Again.

 

We've not been a couple for ten months. It just hurts me that if we're not a couple she can't even be bothered to speak to me. But as you said, that's her way. It's certainly not mine.

 

I wish I could forget her. I wish I could hate her like she hates me. I wish I could just not care when I wake up tomorrow. I wish I could no longer think about her like she no longer thinks about me.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

every one here wishes they could forget their ex. Flip a little switch and turn the thoughts and feelings off and the ex is deleted as quickly as an online profile (now wouldnt that be good!) She doesnt hate you, she just wants you to leave her alone. sometimes I want my kids to leave me alone but I dont hate them.

 

Sometimes, life just doesnt go as we want it. It hurts. Its really horrible.

Hurt, abandonement, worthlessness and depression all well up inside and we feel lousy.

 

Lets face it, we're MEANT to feel lousy when we're chucked. I mean, how can they finish with us? Gorgeous sexy us?

 

Well they did. And theyve moved on (cheek!) lol but..

 

prepare to be dazzled!!!!!!!!!!

 

we can come out fighting . We can work on ourselves so we look so great and ARE great people.

 

They may end up sorry they lost us! and by that time, we wont want their sorry backsides because WE will have moved on!

 

chin up Mustang.. Iknow you'll have to saddle up for a bumpy ride.. but...

 

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

 

ps. try and get hold of a copy of Jeremy Clarkson (or it might have been Tiff Needell) giving the 3 nuns a test drive of the Ford Puma on Top Gear. Its a couple of years old now but it was so funny. You need to have a good laugh and lift your spirits x

[fIIsion]

I echo Hope's sentiment, I wish I had her advice nearly four years ago.

 

Its the hardest thing in the world to let get of someone you love and care very deeply about. Its also very painful when that person who once claimed to love you so much, who you have such wonderful memories with can just seem to move on so easliy and regard you as a stranger in their life.

 

I had all the same hollow statements when we broke up, " I can't imagine a life without you " "we will always remain friends ", etc

 

What I came to realise is, that its just words to soften the blow, for you and for themselves, they might even mean it at the time, but as they move on, those sentiments just don't have the same meaning any more.

 

Staying in contact just felt like being an an item on a shelf, long past its sell-by-date.

 

The way I look at it, the person you fell in love with is gone, they don't exist anymore.......well the connection doesn't exist at the very least.

 

I sometimes think about calling my ex, but I might as well dial a random number from the phone book.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There are some fundamental things here that are really common in breakups.

 

First, you are really stung by her rejection. That is a self esteem issue, where you just can't believe that someone has just slammed the door in your face and it makes you feel worthless. So to feel good about yourself, you think the only answer is to get her to open that door again. But it's not. She was the source of your pain (so better of leaving her behind) AND she is no measure of your self worth. You have to feel good about yourself within you, and not care what she thinks nor need her approval in order to feel whole.

 

Second, her own weaknesses are really showing here too. You keep demanding honesty from her (as in, just tell me you don't want me around), but she's weak. She doesn't want that confrontation. In fact, she sulked off with another guy behind your back (also weak). So she'll say anything to avoid confrontation, but what she actually feels is totally different. So you can demand an explanation 1000 times and she'll just run away.

 

And for someone who wants to avoid confrontation, all the drama around the breakup with you begging and pleading probably really made her want to run the other way. She doesn't want a repeat of that.

 

Take her friends for example. if they bring you up, she might say to them, yeah, too bad about what happened, i feel bad about the breakup. so they say, have you heard from him, how is he doing, and she'll say, no i haven't, but yeah, it would be nice to hear how he's doing. But inside she has no intention of doing that because she doesn't want the confrontation nor any potential to get back into the drama, or be made to feel guilty or whatever.

 

So she's avoiding confrontation with her friends too, and avoiding you, and avoiding anything that is unpleasant to her. That seems to be who she is, and it's tough to swallow, but you need to give up on the idea of being friends is she's not interested in that.

 

So your next task is to recognize you just have to let go. Close the book on her and don't waste more of your time being angry or wishing for things to be different. They are what they are, and you don't want to keep beating your head against that wall.

 

You see how even that contact with her friend and sending her a message has thrown you for a loop. You don't need this in your life, and you need to dust yourself off and get right back to closing the door on her and moving on.

 

It's a dry well there, and you keep returning trying to get a drink. Better to move on and find people who will be there for you, which she is not doing.

[Mustang]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better today. It's amazing how sleep can make you feel better.

 

BeStrong, my ex is definitely the person you describe. She would always avoid situations. I'm the complete opposite. You know when you can tell something is bothering someone? You ask them what's up and if they are OK and they respond with "I'm fine. Leave it." I would rather work things out. My ex just kept things hidden.

 

I suppose the way to think about things is that if she can just jump ship without really any emotional explanation and to then treat me like a stranger to avoid confrontation or guilt then she'll more than likely do it again. One thing about the break up from my side is that I've learnt a lot of lessons about myself and I know that the mistakes I made in the relationship won't happen the next time around.

 

If she runs away from all of her problems, ignores them and hope they go away then she'll never be able to solve problems in life or love. And seeing as she jumped from somebody else to me and from me to somebody else... she'll probably do the same thing again in the future once the honeymoon period ends and inevitable arguments begin to occur.

 

Before my ex started going out with me she was seeing another guy in our hometown. She told me that she didn't want to be exclusive with him and he did so she just started ignoring him and disappeared until he got the message. I should've seen that as a big red flag! Who's to say that it won't go that way with the guy she's with now? Or he might do it to her.

 

It sounds weird, but I think I'd feel so much better if she came back to me and said she was so sorry for hurting me and what not. But she never will I know. She seems to think that she's in the right and that whatever I do to try and make her understand how she's made me feel gets twisted around on me and justifies her decision.

 

I guess when we were together and had a connection, I never thought that it would only be exclusive to being in a relationship. It's not often that I meet somebody that I feel completely myself around and it's hard to accept her just cutting all ties and never look back. But she has and I'm sure I will do too.

 

If I was more confident in myself then I'd have walked away a long time ago. She bolted when things became a bit tense between us rather than stay and work things out. It was easier for her to chuck away two years for the sake of something new and more exciting. But that's her and not me - which clearly shows it never would've worked out anyway.

[Mustang]

So she's avoiding confrontation with her friends too, and avoiding you, and avoiding anything that is unpleasant to her.

 

And this will come back to haunt her one day surely? You can't keep running away from how you feel and smoothing over the cracks forever right?

 

Sorry if I sound harsh but I really do hope that one day it comes back around on her because I think that's the only way she'll ever have any understanding.

[Citan]

And this will come back to haunt her one day surely? You can't keep running away from how you feel and smoothing over the cracks forever right?

 

Sorry if I sound harsh but I really do hope that one day it comes back around on her because I think that's the only way she'll ever have any understanding.

 

I have a somewhat similar situation.

 

I think the right answer is... who cares? The whole idea is that she's not worth the time fretting over; if she comes to her senses someday, that's great for her, but we shouldn't disconcert ourselves whether or not they come to a sudden realization.

 

It's not our job to fix them.