Confused, stressed on the way to being anxious and depressed, i need advice!

[contra11]

First off sorry this is so long:

 

Ok, this is a bit of a long story but needs to be explained. I used to weigh over 400 lbs 2 years ago. I am now down to 250 lbs and lead a fairly normal life. My entire adolescence was spent behind a computer screen with porn being my only sexual outlet and by adolescence I mean 13-23. As you can imagine I was depressed, continually gaining weight, living my life on various forums and video games. Sex and relationships wasn't even a part of my reality. They were something that normal people have and I looked at myself as a freak and resigned myself to a life of solitude. Actually I had made a pact with myself that had I not lost my virginity by 25 I was going to commit suicide. I actually almost did a few times, but not for reasons related to this. I mention that just so you can see where I am coming from. A severe decade long history of major depression and anxiety problems.

 

Over that period of time I moved on from regular porn to weirder and weirder stuff. Ultimately leading to transsexual and eventually a mixture of transsexual, specific types of gay and other fetishes.

 

Losing the weight was even harder on me, and almost all of the really bad suicidal moments were well into the weightloss phase. The depression and anxiety from that was immense, it is a great mental stress to undertake such a task like that and it nearly broke me. I pushed on though and at 24 I got my first girlfriend, someone who had followed my weightloss progress from the beginning and knew where I was mentally. Suicidal tendencies, anxiety, depression, ocd and all. I am past all of this now for the most part.

 

As you can imagine I was nervous and shy quite a bit and sex didn't come naturally for me. In fact I had numerous occasions where I couldn't even get an erection and we would have to postpone. Sometimes it would get up just enough to get in, and once it was in things went great. Most of the times I was extremely turned on during foreplay but as soon as it was time for actual sex things would start going limp. This started to weigh heavily on my conscience. I started having severe thoughts that I was gay, and as you can probably tell I am no stranger to anxiety, it consumed me. She is a very attractive girl and I fell head over heals in love with her but eventually we parted ways for reasons unrelated to any of this. We are still good friends.

 

The "break up" if you could call it that really tore me up and I am probably still dealing with it albeit not nearly as badly as before. This is where the porn comes back into play. I resumed watching porn with the absense of a girlfriend and I pretty much stuck to lesbian/girls masturbating which got the job done but didn't really get me nearly as excited as the more taboo stuff.

 

I wound up trying internet dating sites as I still have trouble meeting people in person and met a 19 year old girl who is cute enough. We actually made out the first time we met and I was very turned on. Then a few days later she came over again and we were making out again and she tried giving me a handjob, and while I was excited before her hands were in my pants things stopped working as soon as she tried anything.

 

This is the extent of my sexual experience and I am beginning to think (RE worry and obsess over) that I might actually be gay.

 

There are circumstances to each of my situations however:

 

With my girlfriend I was using stimulants heavily. I was using adderall for a while (prescribed) and I was highly addicted to caffeine, both of which can cause erectile problems. I actually cut the adderall out and things improved quite a bit. Also she never really seemed into the sex, only a few times and then I was pretty into it. I felt like I was doing everything and she wasn't putting in any effort, mostly just kind of laying there. I absolutely loved giving her affection. Hugs, kisses, slapping her ass Making out in public places. I was also the one who always had to initiate sex. Nothing made me happier than wrapping my arms around her and looking down and seeing her big smiling face staring back at me, and it still makes me happy to think about.

 

With the second girl I had gotten only about 3 hours of sleep the night before, was using ephedrine and large doses of caffeine to stay awake. Also I had jeans on which aren't really comfortable at all when they're just unzipped and you have hands in your pants. I tried to take them off to which she responded "not all the way that's weird." I immediately thought, "uhh, leaving them on would be weird right now..." I guess that was actually the moment where if there was any hope of getting an erection up to that point, it was now gone. I'm also pretty visual and she was fully clothed.

 

Fast forward to now. I am freaking out trying to decide what the hell is going on in my head. Straight porn can turn me on if I focus and get into it. Lesbian porn usually gets me going. Transsexual stuff gets me going and lately I've been watching gay porn to see if it turns me on, and a lot of it does.

 

My dilema is that historically I have always had crushes on girls. My first (and only) love was a girl. Romantically I only desire to be with a woman. I do not desire kissing men or smelling them or anything else like that. However with some gay porn turning me on, straight porn making me focus to get an erection I am starting to go crazy. I seem to have no sexual feelings for anyone I see in real life. A pretty girl or any random guy. Looking at pictures of guys does nothing for me and nor does looking at pictures of girls.

 

There are moments when a voice in my head just goes "face it you're gay" then I reflect on what that actually means and I realize I cannot even fathom being in a relationship with a guy. I don't know if I am actually gay or if this is a case of porn addiction gone off the rails or if it's still confidence issues (which I will readily admit I have) or if it's the fact I feel that I don't look like a man because of the residual loose skin and boobs I have thanks to being so large or some sort of mixture of all of it. I just don't know.

 

I feel I am rambling now so I will end this. If you need anymore info just ask and I will provide it. I am extremely confused and troubled right now. I need help and don't know what to do.

[delphi88]

Hey, I have no amazing advice to give unfortunately... I guess you just have to try not to worry about it too much. Humans are very complicated, and loads of people are turned on by much stranger things than transsexual porn. So it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. I think you'll probably be a bit happier if you stop trying to label yourself. As you go through life you'll figure yourself out through various relationships, etc.

 

Maybe you should see your doctor about the sexual problems, as lots of things can cause them, including low self-esteem, etc. It might even be that you're so busy worrying if you're gay or not that you can't really enjoy sex properly with anyone. You might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor if you would be comfortable with that. I guess the key is to try and relax, you're still young and it doesn't matter if you don't know everything about yourself yet.

[Supa_gurl]

Sounds to me that it is all a psychological issue. You got yourself addicted to porn, so much so that with the actual act of sex you get performance anxiety. Not to mention you have anxiety as it is. I would try to stay away from all forms of porn if I were you. And the right girl, NOT GUY, will come along soon enough.

[greywolf]

The kind of porn you watch doesn't necessarily indicate your sexuality. I know some girls that like watching gay porn. In fact, my girlfriend likes gay porn.

[contra11]

Thanks everyone. Your replies have actually helped calm me down quite a bit. Along with something I read in another thread on the forum along the lines of "There is no sexuality only who you choose to be sexual with" I really liked that. I'm sure it won't be as easy as that to deal with this but it is helping tremendously right now.

 

I think you're right supa_girl when I look back I kind of have a porn related mentality of sex and think that is my sexuality, when in reality with real people I am extremely uncomfortable with myself sexually. Posting this has helped calm me a lot. Thanks everyone.