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Was my boyfriend and father of my child waiting for his wife to come back to him?

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I need some sound advice to tell me whether I'm being paranoid or whether my suspicions are justified.


My boyfriend and I have been together since february 2006. He and his wife were separated in march 2005 with no intent to reconcile (in fact, the ex wife had instantly gotten with another guy she had been seeing before she had left my boyfriend). In NC, you have to be separated for 1 year and 1 day before you can file for divorce. Anyway, a few months after we started dating they were officially allowed to become divorced. Well he's a procrastinator and didn't have the funds at the time. Towards the end of the year, he and I were serious and he was talking marriage. I of course brought up the fact that he needed to be divorced in order to do that, I even said we'll get a jar called the divorce jar and he could put away money each 2 weeks when he got paid, so he would have the cash.


Soon he was making decent money and allowed to withdraw up to $500 out of his state union bank card before being paid, and since his lawyer charges $500 for divorce, he said that he went ahead and paid him. I never had any reason to think otherwise. A few months went by, it turned into 2007, and still, nothing from his lawyer. THEN, his soon-to-be-ex wife showed up one morning and started banging on our door. My bf refused to answer the door and I started questioning why he wouldn't just open the door and tell her to leave. She kept banging on the door, I got fed up and said I was going to go answer the door and talk to her. I figured there was a reason she was here, and maybe she wanted to fight with me, or something. I went to the bathroom to put on some pants and instantly, my boyfriend rushed out of the front door and started yelling at her to leave and trying to cut her off. I went outside and he was yelling at her to talk to his lawyer. He rushed me inside and she peeled rubber out of here.


I asked him what was going on, he told me that she had received the divorce papers and she wanted to ask a question about it, so he told her to speak with his lawyer. I just found it really odd that he refused to answer the door but the second I intend on going out there, he rushes out there before I get the chance to, and cuts his wife off


Fast forward another few months, I have become pregnant and I told my BF he really, REALLY needs to tell his lawyer to get a move on the divorce. I just found it odd because in NC, divorces can be quite simple at times, file the papers, the other party signs it, then it's done! Even if she didn't sign the papers, there was nothing she could do about it. So one day my boyfriend comes home from work and said that his lawyer contacted him and told him not to worry anymore, the divorce was done! Good, right?


Well fast forward to the end of 2007, I was huge and pregnant, and one day his ex-wife shows up again while I was in the shower. My boyfriend comes into the bathroom to tell me that his ex-wife was just up here, bringing bags of baby clothes for us (she had a baby with her fiancee 6 months prior, which we heard about from my bf's mother) and my boyfriend said he told her to leave, to get the ---- out of here, slammed the door in her face, and that she knocked on the door again wanting him to talk to her, and that he sent her along her way. We had moved since the last 'visit', and he called his mother who informed him that SHE gave her our address, which we didn't understand because his mother HATED his ex-wife. But, she also hates me, so.


I was furious, I thought his ex wife was trying to interfere with our relationship. I thought, they're divorced, why the hell is she trying to butt into our lives? They separated quite maliciously, had a nasty custody battle in which my boyfriend's mother was given temporary custody, and she had no reason to be there.


At the end of January, 2008 now, I had our son. My bf's mother, who is a holy terror, kept trying to interfere in our relationship as she did with my bf's marriage, and kept trying to take over OUR child and I put my foot down. She came over under the presumption that she wanted to make things right, but instead accused me of a bunch of different things, such as getting pregnant just to have a place to stay, and alienating my bf from everyone, and etc etc etc. So we told her to leave, and as she was leaving I asked her why did she give my bf's ex-wife our new address, just to start trouble between us, and she threw in our face, "well SHE'S his wife and you need to GET OVER IT! YOU'RE NOTHING!" My Bf was sputtering and screaming at her about how he was divorced. If she knew this, why did she never tell me and let her grandson be born into another's marriage????


Anyway, after she left I told my BF if there was something he was keeping from me, he'd better tell me RIGHT NOW or he'd be alone and facing child support. He kept denying any knowledge of what she was talking about, and said she was just trying to start trouble.


Well, THREE DAYS LATER, as I'm sitting home alone with my son, I hear a knock at the door. I open the door and it's my bf's EX WIFE! She said, "hi, is (bf's name) home? I need to speak with him." I was like, ' * * * are you doing here? You need to leave!" And tried to shut the door in her face, but she snatched it before I could and said, 'EXCUSE ME, I am here because I WANT MY DAMN DIVORCE!!!" I said, "you ARE divorced, didn't you get the papers? You've been divorced for a year!" She said, "no, there hasn't been anything filed, we are NOT divorced, and (bf's name) acts like he doesn't WANT to be divorced."


I felt like... I needed to sit down... but I told her to hold on, got a cigarette, joined her outside, and apologized for being nasty. I told her I thought she was here to cause trouble. And so, she and I spoke for 3 hours and she explained to me that the reason why she came was to get her divorce, she and her fiancee were ready to get married, and she also wanted to speak with my bf about gaining joint custody of their daughter and getting her back from his mother. Because of their inability to communicate and my bf's mother's meddling and controlling, it had been kept out of court for the past 3 years.


So I told her that I would help her and my bf sit down and communicate, and I'd do everything in my power to help resolve this situation. She said she's tried several times to talk to him about it and he would just walk away and tell her "I don't have time to talk about this right now." She told me that when she came up to the house those two times, it was not to start trouble, it was to talk about getting a divorce! How interesting since he claimed that she was saying she received the divorce papers that first time she came over! She could'n't have received anything, or they would have been divorced and she wouldn't have been at the house trying to talk to him about getting a divorce! She and her boyfriend thought that he apparently didn't want to be divorced and her boyfriend thought that my boyfriend was waiting for her to come back to him or something. Anyway, I told her I would talk to him and help her out. She left, and when my Bf came home, I told him I knew he wasn't divorced. He started claiming that he WAS, that his lawyer told him he was, and then that's when I told him about how his WIFE came over earlier that day and she and I spoke for several hours!


I told him he must have been lying about her saying she received the papers when she first had come over to the old place we had lived in, because she told me she was trying to talk to him about getting the divorce done and he just cut her off and started yelling at her to talk to his lawyer! He said "well, I thought that is what she said", and blah blah. EIther he did think that is why she was there, or he was covering for himself, because he was scared he was going to be found out, that he didn't pay his lawyer anything for any divorce. ANyway I told him, "she doesn't want you! She wants to get divorced and marry her boyfriend."


Anyway he has claimed all of this time that he paid the lawyer. When he and his wife and I went to court so they could finally get this divorce done, he had to talk to his lawyer about withdrawing from the custody case and etc, since the man wasn't doing his job properly. he claims that he talked to the lawyer about why the divorce wasn't done, and he claims the lawyer said, "I thought it was taken care of." Um hello, don't you think the lawyer would have known? Anyway, I didn't HEAR that conversation but I thought my BF was being honest. Why would he not want to divorce her when he and I have been together for so long and have had a child together?


Anyhow, since she filed the papers to divorce him, there was nothing he could do, they were divorced.


Anyhow a few months have passed since then, and then my boyfriend finally went to his lawyer's office to get back the rest of his money for the custody thing. I said, um, you need your divorce money back, since you say you paid him! We had bought a tape recorder to catch his lawyer on tape talking about the custody thing, so I was like, hmm, okay, then you can also get on tape the proof that you did pay him, and this situation will be cleared up.


He started acting weird and stuff and started walking away with the recorder in his pocket, and I was like "well, let me see it, I want to make sure the record button is pressed!" He looked annoyed and eventually came over to me, and surprise surprise, the recorderer was OFF. I was like, now I KNOW you're covering something up.


He claimed that he thought the recorder button was in the middle, which is odd because he was just playing with the recorder the other day and he knew how to work it (he's an electronics geek!) He kept claiming that I'm being paranoid and that I would see, once his lawyer admitted he had paid him. I said 'but what if your lawyer says you didn't, right on tape? Then what can you say? Then you'd have to admit you were lying to me and come up with a DAMN good reason as to why you didn't want to get divorced!" he said, "I paid him!!!"


This time I took the damn thing and pressed the record button, and stuck it in his pocket, right before he went into the office.


Anyway to make this long story short, he came out, I listened to the tape. He managed to get the lawyer on tape talking about how he kept the custody out of court, which was our primary goal. But, my BF also was asking him about getting his divorce money back as well... but the way he worded it was odd. He said "well, I'm divorced now and I don't know if you remember but I had came in and paid for it and nothing was ever done."


Okay one, why would he say it in such a manner when he claims that a couple of months ago, when he and his ex wife went to court to get the divorce, he had to speak to his now ex lawyer and he claimed his ex lawyer told him he thought the divorce was done? Discrepancy number 1.


His ex lawyer said, "I don't recall that, I don't recall that at all."


My bf kept trying to ask the man about paying him for the divorce and the man got angry and was like, "If you want to argue about it, then I won't give you any money at all. I don't recall you paying ANYTHING for ANY divorce." My BF kept insisting, (desperately), like "well I did pay you, I know you're a busy man and all and that you might forget things...." The man said, "well, I don't recall that, I'm going to check with the secretary."


My BF said, "Yeah I asked your secretary if she remembers me paying you for the divorce and she said yes."


The secretary cut in with a bit of an attitude, like, "Um, I remember you paying me some money, I don't remember it being about a divorce." (BF had a traffic ticket that his lawyer covered so that's what she probably remembers him paying her for!)


My BF kept insisting over and over again like an idiot, that he paid them, and his lawyer was getting angrier and angrier and saying "I don't recall that, AT ALL, now take your money and go! You got what you wanted, now go." The lawyer was acting as if my BF was trying to con him out of money. THe lawyer seemed to generally think my BF was trying to scheme him.


Anyway, if he had paid his lawyer the money, the lawyer would have given it back. he gave him back some of his money from the custody case that he didn't fully finish, so why would he not give him the divorce money back if he paid it?


BF was trying to act like his lawyer was just lying so he didn't have to pay him, but I'm like, uhhh, you said you just talked to him about the divorce the other month, you were acting funny about it to start with, and then on tape when you ask the man about it, you word it in a way that shows you never even asked the man about it the last time you saw him... that's because YOU KNOW you're lying.


I asked, 'why did you want to stay married to her? Did you think she was coming back to you one day?"


He kept denying it over and over again and started getting an attitude about it as well.


That's the thing, he will never admit to ANYTHING. It's like, hello, it's on TAPE and you're STILL DENYING IT.


Okay, readers, what is going on, in your opinions? I told him that if his lawyer was on tape denying he paid him for any divorce, then he'd HAVE to admit to the truth. Because the truth would be obvious. BUT HE'S STILL DENYING IT.


Could this just be a really bad set of circumstances for him? Somehow I don't think so, he would go to great lengths to cover up the fact that he did not try to divorce his wife.


How do I get him to admit to the truth?


And what could be the truth, why did he not pay his lawyer, when he had the money, to get this divorce? Why did he go as far as to lie and said that he did, and then claim that his lawyer told him he was divorced? Could somebody really be that stupid to think he wouldn't be found out?? Was him quickly getting rid of his wife each time she was at the door a cover for the fact that he knew he never tried to divorce her?


If so, why? Why did he not want to divorce her? They separated for good in 2005. He and I became a couple in 2006 and it's heading towards 2009 and we're still together. We had a baby together! Why? What is going on?

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I remember one of your original posts about this.


Here is my theory. If he paid by check, there should be a cancelled check floating around somewhere and if he paid by cash, then there is a receipt floating around somewhere.


He is going through great lengths to lie and cover his ass. All he has to do is produce a receipt, case closed.


Something is very strange here.

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I remember one of your original posts about this.


Here is my theory. If he paid by check, there should be a cancelled check floating around somewhere and if he paid by cash, then there is a receipt floating around somewhere.


He is going through great lengths to lie and cover his ass. All he has to do is produce a receipt, case closed.


Something is very strange here.


At the time when he claimed to have paid the lawyer, I asked him what about a receipt? He said he didn't get one, but claimed he signed papers in the lawyer's office (uh, bull! if he did, she would have been served!) The next day when he came home from work he had some little piece of paper from one of those machines? (forgot what it's called, you add stuff up on it. Uh, I'm probably an idiot, perhaps it's a printing calculator? I dunno) and someone had handwritten on it, "paid $500." Anybody could have done that, his mom could have written that. That is why I originally believed him, and when he came home and told me his lawyer said he was divorced, I didn't see any reason for him to lie. But of course, now I know better.


Thanks for your responses, everyone. Why do you guys think he did this??

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Kitty, I know you don't want to hear this, and the fact that you have a child together now makes it very difficult to leave this relationship, but you need to be prepared to leave if you do not get the sort of partner you want and deserve. I am going to be harsh, I hope I do not upset you unnecessarily, but my god girl, open your eyes.


Your boyfriend has a history of lying, of poor judgement, etc. Is he still violent with you? Have other issues come to light since all that young girl stuff a while back? What's happened?


I think that you may never really find out what has been going on here with the lawyer and the ex. What you do know is that your partner has lied to you over and over again, about something pretty important to you (and now, your son). You know he's been really, really dumb before, on several occasions, and in saying "dumb" I am putting a positive spin on things. We could call him deceptive, sleazy, and abusive based on some of your past threads.


What I am saying is that you seem to not see the forest for the trees. This whole situation has been looming for a very long time, but you have stuck with him. I think this issue with the ex is not even worth too hard an analysis of circumstances, because what's the point? You did not leave before when you had very, very good reasons to do so, and this was before you had a child. Unless you are prepared to move on, knowing why he lied is irrelevant. What you do know is enough anyway - he has refused to get a divorce, over and over. He has lied to you about it, while professing his love for you and desire to move on with you no doubt. While he wanted a child with you.


So, what to do? Well, it's hard, obviously. Ask yourself whether this stuff is going to change, ask if this is worth it. I know in the past you didn't think you were worth better, but that is almost beside the point now. Is your son not worth better? If there has been a huge change from the past, then I am not saying to leave, but I am saying to be honest with yourself about it. You have had oodles and oodles of proof that your boyfriend is not really a good catch. You know that he has not been a great father to his daughter, I remember he did not spend time with her - have things changed? What kind of father is he? What kind of father will he be, and does your son deserve that? Is he worthy of that?

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I'm glad Caro brought this up because I read this and I was wondering, "Why the heck is she still with this guy?" This is the guy who has treated you like crap, called off your engagement, chased underage girls (including while you were pregnant, right?) lied to you, and been violent with you.


How much more proof do you need that he is bad relationship material? Why would you trust anything that comes out of his mouth?



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This may be simpler than you think. As long as his daughter is with his mother, then he doesn't have to pay child support to his ex-wife. And if they actually get divorced and settle custody issues, the wife most likely will get the daughter back and she will no longer live with the grandmother. Perhaps your boyfriend's mother is pressuring him to NOT divorce if she doesn't believe in divorce and if she wants to keep her granddaughter living with her.


But the bottom line is he has lied and shown a whole range of bad behavior. What is it you really want to do? Is he being a good partner that you should try to stay with, or someone you should leave?


Decide on what's best for yourself and your child and act accordingly.

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After I go home and think about some of the this stuff, something comes to mind and then I'm anxious to get back into the office so that I can jot it down here.


What BSBH said, makes perfect sense. I was thinking about this yesterday (after the fact) and if he files for divorce, that sets the wheels in motion for the ex wife to collect alimony and child support, not to mention the whole custody issue with the daughter. He's being incredibly selfish. He is thinking about his own feelings and not those of you, your child or even his other daughter. If he has worked this hard for this long to cover his ass then I don't even want to begin to imagine what else he is capable of hiding.

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Maybe that could be it, because once he received a letter from the library where he found out that his wife used his library card and had checked out books on alimony.


But, she was working three jobs so, surely he wasn't stupid enough to think she would get any alimony.


The child support thing might be true... but with all of his mother's lies about his wife, supposedly being abusive, there didn't seem like much of a chance that his wife would have won custody back. Now he and she are a team (heh, I'm sure he wishes it was more ways than one!) and are fighting for 50/50 custody together, against his mother who wants full custody.


It really MIGHT have been his mother who had something to do with the divorce thing because she was talking to his lawyer behind his back. Since she knew about it, she might have threatened my BF with something, like "if you get divorced, she'll be able to take the custody back to court, and you'll lose your daughter and pay child support," Or "if you do this divorce, then I'll hit you up for child support"... His mother is a threatening, blackmailing, controlling psycho who has screwed her son up in the head, if you ask me, and I wouldn't put it past her.


Still... his lying about it is not cool and like Caro and Hope pointed out, he's got a history of shady behavior and lying. My friend told me yesterday, why can't he understand that the relationship would be so much better if it were not based upon lies?

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I have read everyone's responses but I don't have much time to respond individually, I've got some cleaning to do!


But I do appreciate the responses and understand your concerns, Caro and Hope, I didn't know you guys remembered and I appreciate that you do. Your posts do make sense.


This is a bit of an update if anyone's interested, just to let you know I didn't put up with his abusive crap anymore.


Bf was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and intermittent explosive personality disorder and schizophrenia as a blanket term, and was put on two different meds for it. After months of treatment, there was a definite change and everything was fine between us (except for his mother starting a bunch of BS with us right before I gave birth, and after, and he stood up for me against her, in the way he never did for his wife. So I'll give him a few points for that. His mother is extremely possessive, controlling, and thinks that she's got ultimate rights to her children's children... thought she could walk all over me and I may seem like it to you guys, since I stay with him, but really, I fight back against anyone and anybody who decides to battle me, such as her!)


Anyway, our son was born at the end of January and everything was fine... BF was stabilized on his meds, we were ecstatic about our son, the relationship was good.


Then his mom started up with her BS again and kept telling him things that weren't true.... things he knew weren't true... and they would get into fights about me. He would defend me and tell her she needed to apologize to me and she would scream and rant and rave and say that I must have been making him say these things. She tried to run the whole show regarding OUR son and I didn't let that happen. Maybe she did that when my BF's daughter was born, and managed to have her way and get the wife out of the picture and take their child, but uh, THAT AIN'T HAPPENING WITH ME!


Anyway she was making this big deal about him needing to choose sides between she and I, well he chose me. She expected him to get rid of me and his son. She even told him he needed to choose between his son and his daughter. Oh, my, god. Insane. So now she refuses to have anything to do with our son until I am out of the picture. Heh. She tried to say that when he chose me over HER, that he basically chose me over his daughter, and that's BS. She acts like they had that child together! She's sick. I would never in a million years tell him to choose between me and his child, that's his mother's own deal, but she twists it back on me!


Anyway... he defended me and everything was basically fine. He slid back on his meds a couple of times and when I started noticing the signs, I would confront him and he would of course deny that he had stopped taking his pills but then would admit to it and start back up. He is incredibly forgetful and it annoys the hell out of me, but he's taking them and has been doing remarkably well.


I won't say we've been fight free but for the most part, yeah. And he adores his son and he makes that child laugh like no other.


His daughter, well he has tried and tried to see her, his mother has now cut off all visitation with him and his ex-wife, and now it's gonna be a huge battle in court because his mother is claiming neither he or she have ever come to see her in the past 3 years, which is a huge crazy lie and we even have the pics to prove it.


He has been denied visits so many times and was told there was nothing he could do about it, even when went to the sheriff's office... His mom was telling me a bunch of BS when she was pretending to be friendly with me that he doesn't see her as often as he used to... then I started to see what was REALLY going on, she would always tell him no and if she got mad at him, she would tell him if he came to see his daughter, she would call the cops. Then she started blaming things on me, saying I would prevent him from seeing his daughter, when it was her, and I witnessed this time and time again.


She doesn't even want that little girl to have anything to do with her little baby brother.


Anyway, it wasn't until his ex-wife came up 4 months ago and spoke with me about not being divorced and blah blah that I found anything out. And at the time, I believed it fully when he seemed genuinely surprised and said his lawyer must have been Bs'ing him. His lawyer has BS'ed him before to be sure, he kept the custody out of court just because my bf's mother was telling him not to take it back to court at this time, which was unethical for him to listen to her, and I'm sure he was accepting monetary bribes. His lawyer is quite shady.


But still, what's on the tape is on the tape.


How could I go about getting the truth from him? Those who remember that young girl situation may recall how I had to use a bit of reverse psychology to get the truth as to whether he did hit on that girl or not, because he kept denying it, so I said "well maybe it was because you were with your friend... and you were just trying to look bad-@ss in front of him... that I could understand and forgive you for...." so he 'fessed up.


Now he's too smart to let any of my tricks get him to 'fess up, because he knows how much hell he had to pay the last time he admitted to the truth. I never let that stuff go, I brought it up constantly and we had big fights about it, and to this day I still am paranoid whenever we see teens dressed like hookers out in public... I accuse him of looking when he really isn't, but I get paranoid and think I see him looking away really quickly because he likes what he sees but doesn't want to be attracted because it's wrong and has to fight the feeling, I guess... but that sounds crazy. Or so he tells me. Honestly I don't really see him checking out girls... but I do accuse him of it all of the time and he gets mad about that and is quite tired of it and has been about to throw in the towel a bunch of times because of my paranoia, accusations, and mistrust.


When I explain to him it's because WHAT HE DID, he says "I'm not doing anything! I haven't done anything else since that incident! God what does it take to prove myself!?"


Part of me thinks, okay, he has a point, but on the other hand, why can't he accept responsibility and understand that he created this monster?


Anyway I'm going all off subject and rambling about everything when my original post was about the divorce thing...


how do I use some sort of reverse psychology to find out the truth?


I'm not ignoring the point Caro made and seeing the forest for the trees and that I need to open my eyes and I can read into the incredulousness of you guys that I am still here. I'm not ignoring that, it's just I don't know what to say regarding that... I'm sure I am quite psychologically damaged as well. I don't know why I don't tolerate crap from anybody else, but I've tolerated a lot of his crap, even if I would scream and raise hell at him for certain things, in the end he would still deny it and I would still stay, so that shows him he can do whatever he wants. I don't fully understand my reasons for doing as I do but I can take a good guess that a really skilled psychologist could give me the answers.

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Hi Kitty


Phew, what can i say, youve been through quite a bit.


First off, its clear, as you are aware, for whatever reason, this guy dug himself a huge hole, that he has tried to lie and lie his way out of. As to why he has done this, well, he has been dx'd with several problems and it seems you are desperately trying to find logical reasoning amongst a dysfunctional irrational mind. Thats not to be rude to anyone, but clearly, there is alot of dysfunction in his immediate family. His mother sounds quite narcissistic, and one can only imagine how his upbringing must have been around such a mother.


The bottom line is that you know the truth, (he lied) and believe me, I understand how hard it is when you want rational answers. Personally, i dont think that you are going to get them. He clearly, will not come clean at this time - and doing what he did, even with his 'shady' lawyer, sort of goes to show how far he will go to protect his ass.


You and him have had a pretty bad history, yet you are pleased that he has made progress and is seperating somewhat from his very controlling mother.

I think you have a choice to make here.

He could ofcourse, give you a million and one reasons for why he did this, yet none of them may still not make sense to you, (or ring true) in the fact that he has lied, betrayed, and hurt you, yes - he fooled you. It is one of the hardest things in the world when someone keeps very important info from you like this - as your reality and decision making at that time, was based completed on lies, and not reality.


The whys and wherefores maybe something that will eat you up inside. On the other hand, you may be able to focus on the good changes that he has made, and decide to move on.


This is totally your choice, and others here can speculate until the cows come home as to why he may have done this, as you could, but he is really the only one who will ever know the truth. If he told you a reason, yet it wasnt quite enough, or didnt ring quite right - then what??


Whatever, my advice would be not to put your life on hold due to this issue. He is the one with problems. I think you need to think about whether you can really ever get over the betrayal or not. Playing detective, and psycological games to get him to fess up, is quite honestly, im sure, wasting far to much of your precious time and effort, and detracting you from the good in your life, such as your precious son, and YOU!


I can see from your posts how much turmoil your mind is in. How much thinking and chewing over, and I also understand how you bring this up and cant let it go. I think its the worse thing in the world to go through something like this, yet have no real answers that make sense. It wont, and it cant, this is not something a rational person would continue, would they. And you know that.


I wish you the best of luck x


By the way, ive also sent you a pm.

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