Why are some guys afraid of commitment?

[annie24]

i do know of married couples who live separately and make the marriage work.... though that arrangement isn't for everyone.

[FreedomRing]

To the OP, I think waiting around after 10 years for a marriage proposal, leaves you partly to blame...so what he made the promises? Somewhere around the 2.5year mark and year 5, wasn't it clear that his words were not in alignment with his actions??

[orangesoda]

not sure if this is rhetorical, but if you're going to ask this question, why not ask the flipside: why do some women *need* commitment?

[daj72]

I have lived on my own for 15 years - raising my kids on my own. I worked very hard to improve my life for myself & kids. I completed two college diplomas and finally have a excellent job. I am tired of being alone and feeling used. I want to build a home with a man who loves me.

 

I guess the old saying is true "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

[annie24]

not sure if this is rhetorical, but if you're going to ask this question, why not ask the flipside: why do some women *need* commitment?

 

good question....

 

sometimes i wonder if it would be a good idea to have 'temporary marriages.' like you enter a marriage and the contract expires after 7 years, then at that time, you decide whether you want to renew the contract, or go your separate ways.....

 

if you are in your childbearing years, then having a committment is better for the children - more financial security, stable family environment, etc....

[DN]

it might be wise to use common sense too?...i didnt say that you wanted to say or that you did say that. just because you didnt intend for it come out that way doesnt mean it didnt come out that way to me or anyone else. plus its clearly my own opinion on your answer, but next time i'll put 'TO ME this is aka.....' at the beginning instead

Well, common sense would seem to suggest you don't put meaning on other people's words that clearly aren't there.

 

The fact is that many men I have spoken to have expressed the fears I mentioned - to dismiss them as irresponsible is unfair and unhelpful.

 

For example; one guy at work had saved a lot of money by working overtime and managed to finance a six-plex in which he lived and rented out the others to make money. He was really concerned that if he got married and divorced that fifteen years of hard work to make that happen could mean that he lost a good proportion of it in a divorce.

 

That wasn't him wanting sex with no responsibilities - it was about him protecting what he worked so hard for from someone who hadn't put in anywhere near the same effort if the marriage went pear-shaped.

 

Another guy I know was married for thirty years, had a home and a vacation home in Florida. His wife died and he met another woman and married her. Within two years she filed for divorce and he ended up in a rented apartment while she got the Florida house and the main residence was sold to pay the costs and alimony payout.

 

Another man I know was divorced - his ex-married again and moved three thousand miles away with the kids. The court allowed that despite his pleas. It now costs him thousands of dollars to see his kids.

 

In England an old-age pensioner was divorced by his wife after he retired. She had never worked outside the home and he was not well paid. All they had was their state pensions. She went to live with her sister hundreds of miles away. Once a year she would file for support payments from him. He would have to go by train to her city to defend the case. She would always lose because there was no other money and they had the same pensions. But the cost of the train ticket meant he could not afford to eat that one week every year. The law was changed after that but there are very similar stories.

 

People will say that it can be equally hard for women after divorce - or even harder. But that wasn't the question - the question was do men fear commitment. And the above stories are part of the reason.

[Circe]

I also don't think you are too old at all. You are still at a very young age!

 

Out of curiosity - did he let you end it? He just let you end it after 10 years?? How could he justify that?

 

Had he always said he didnt want marriage?

[Night Pumpkin]

Those are sad stories DN, but how do you know that divorce is the main reason why many men refuse commitment ?? I guess this is just your opinion derived from personal experience, rather than a long range scientific study on why many men refuse commitment.

 

I believe there are many reasons. Fear of divorce is just one of many.

[DN]

Well, I am sure that there are other reasons. But this is the one that most men I have talked to over many years cite. t is one that often pops up in articles about the issue as well.

 

It is an odd thing that when someone asks a question like this, people will then argue with the answers that are given. There seems to be a reaction that if people don't like the answer it can't be true or is at least suspect.

[gracerules2008]

aka 'being responsible for anything'. guys wanna have recess their whole life. do whatever they want. sleep with whoever they want. they dont wanna deal with responsibilities and consequences.

 

 

 

 

uh. lets not forget the big picture here. the basic reason for monogamy in animals is trying to guarantee that the offspring you raise are yours so i wouldnt say that it does not benefit guys at all. there are still a lot of traditional thinking guys who wanna pass on their family name. yeah you 'could' sleep around, but the chances some random chick will get pregnant with your baby and decide to keep it and raise it arent really high (compared to a wife) if youre not into marriage or at least some form of commitment.

 

 

You darn right that I want to be able to do whatever I want when I want it. That does not mean I want to sleep around with other women though. It just means I don't want to give up my freedom to go out with my friends. I like having a lot of free time. I don't like to stay busy.

 

I don't get enough free time as a single man anyway so getting married will only make it worse. I don't need the added pressure of having to ask for my wife's permission to go golfing with the guys on saturday afternoon.

 

As a single man I don't have to answer to anybody. I like that. That does not mean I want to be able to sleep around nor does it mean I want to date multiple women. I don't even want sex in my relationship at all.

 

If I chose to get married I could no longer be my own person. It's just like joining the military. I would go into the military if it was a last resort. I would get married if it was a last resort. The military has many benefits at the expense of giving up one's individuality just like marriage does.

 

In other words if my girlfriend wants a commitment or else she's leaving me and I find it too painful to go on living without her then yes I would get married.

 

Maybe an ultimatum would work for a guy like me since I seem to need a little push to give women what they want. It all depends how much pain I'm willing to tolerate through letting the right girl get away from me.

 

Not wanting to commit does not make me irresponsible. If anything I'm being responsible enough to count the cost ahead of time. It's more irresponsible to enter into a marriage not knowing what is going to be expected of you. Yes I would have my wife to answer to. That is actually the way I would want it if I got married. I would want her to be the boss. Maybe I'll get my wish. If she does not want me talking or hanging out with my friends then I won't do it.

[gracerules2008]

By the way this thread gave me some insight on why my ex may have ended things with me after 4 years. I remember her saying that she felt our relationship was not going anywhere. That is sometimes womanease for "I want a commitment."

 

So yes we men can get away with avoiding the issue of commitment for the first 2 years of the relationship. But when it gets into the 3rd or 4th year that's when she's going to turn up the heat.

 

If you don't commit to her then she will slowly lose interest level in you to the point she says "this is not going anywhere." Then she'll either split or put you in the friend-zone. My ex put me in the friend-zone.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

 

Note to self (gracerules): women are human beings not pieces of meat to be used whenever one feels the urge.

 

I do not believe that a guy not wanting to commit to marriage implies this. It simply means he has other priorities and life goals that he views as more important than a man/woman relationship. There's nothing wrong with this unless he dishonestly leads the woman to believe he wants to marry her.

[D_Lish]

I don't think that men are afraid of committment. When a guy usually won't committ, it means that he doesn't want to committ to you..

 

What explains the guy who has had a ten year relationship with a woman, he didn't committ to her and they split. Then a few months later he meets another woman and within a year they are married....??

[Blue Spiral]

Given that the guy stuck around for ten years, I don't think he's afraid of commitment--just marriage. And the reason why some guys are afraid of marriage is basic sanity. If half of all planes crashed, I'd stick to driving, no matter how exciting or rewarding flying was supposed to be.

 

There's no actual point in getting married. You don't get anything out of a marriage you can't get out of an unmarried relationship (okay, there are a few legal/medical benefits, but those will eventually be available to all couples). This isn't the '50s, where you'd be ostracized if you didn't conform to the "one size fits all" lifestyle. We actually have freedom, now, and the genie isn't going back in the bottle. So unless you're really religious, and you believe that some spiritual something happens when you put the rings on, it doesn't accomplish anything. It's basically a cultural status symbol.

 

Not only is it risky and largely pointless, it also creates a dangerous situation. I want someone to be with me because they want to be, not because it'd be too much work to get out of the relationship. I'd rather have someone holding my hand of their own free will, as opposed to being legally handcuffed.

 

For the record, I'm not divorced, and my parents have been married for almost forty years.

 

And I'd like to add that the cow/milk argument is hugely insulting to women, as it implies that they're exchanging sex for commitment, which just isn't healthy. If the only way you can get a man to marry you is to withhold sex, well, you have far more serious problems than finding a husband. The nice thing about the 21st century is that we're free from the "We want to have sex, but we want to wait, so we'll rush into marriage!" problem that plagued past generations.

[Gratsy]

Sorry, but it does not imply that you're exchanging sex for commitment. Thats your assumption. To me, it implies that sex is sacred and meant for someone who loves you and is willing to commit to you.

 

As far as the rushing into marriage thing, I do agree that it does happen.

[Gratsy]

I do not believe that a guy not wanting to commit to marriage implies this. It simply means he has other priorities and life goals that he views as more important than a man/woman relationship. There's nothing wrong with this unless he dishonestly leads the woman to believe he wants to marry her.

 

 

I agree...there is nothing wrong with wanting to be single as long as you aren't leading women on into thinking that you want something else...which is what some men do. They date and use women for sex but have no thought for commitment.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Given that the guy stuck around for ten years, I don't think he's afraid of commitment--just marriage.

 

or maybe the responsibility of someone elses three children? step parenting is HARD work emotionally

 

There's no actual point in getting married. You don't get anything out of a marriage you can't get out of an unmarried relationship

 

I disagree! not only would I not enjoy the dubious 'privilige' of washing and ironing his smalls and cleaning the house and holding down a job, I would enjoy it even less doing it all for nothing more than the 'privilige' of being his live in cook/cleaner/girlfriend

 

It's basically a cultural status symbol.

 

exactly. you hit the nail on the head right there. Its a status symbol that says to other females 'he chose ME so hands off!' 'and also that she was good enough to be chosen, thats why marriage will never go away.

 

 

Not only is it risky and largely pointless, it also creates a dangerous situation. I want someone to be with me because they want to be, not because it'd be too much work to get out of the relationship. I'd rather have someone holding my hand of their own free will, as opposed to being legally handcuffed.

 

I think calling it dangerous is a bit OTT, but in America its definitely hazardous to your financial situation if your a man. Thirty years of 'equality' has elvolved a legal system that has males by the short and curlys. Its not as bad in other countries but still, men hesitate to commit in case they get stuck with someone who changes after the marriage IMO, or theyre scared they wont be able to be faithful for the rest of their lives.

 

Having been married I can honestly say I did more for him, and willingly, than I would have if he had just been my boyfriend because I knew he was more committed to me than a boyfriend, so it works both ways. Marriage can be very beneficial for males, and in fact official statistics back this theory up

[gracerules2008]

I could not have said it any better. Even if the OP's boyfriend had committed to her in marriage that's no guarantee that he will stay committed to her for life. There's ultimately nothing a woman can do to keep a guy with her before marriage, during marriage or after marriage. If he wants out he will get out with or without that piece of paper.

 

Granted she could collect financially from him in divorce court but the law can do nothing about her broken heart. She'll still have to face the emotional pain of rejection on her own. There's only so much the law can do in a divorce situation. It does not matter who wins more financially.

 

I'm a christian myself and even I believe marriage is an institution of control invented by humans not by God. I don't believe in getting married just so I feel like I can have a sex license. I don't believe in getting married just so I can avoid having sex without sinning. Evangelicals who believe that they're going to burn in hell for having sex before marriage may feel compelled to rush into marriage just so they feel like they have a sex license and not because of love.

 

This would explain why the divorce rate is no different in the religious community than it is in the secular community. Many christians and religious people for that matter get married for one of those reasons I stated above. Then when they discover that they really don't love one another they get a divorce.

 

But I'm glad times are changing. It's the 21st century and it's up to the 2 people involved to decide the nature of their union. Get married because you want to not because you have to and not because your friends are doing it and not because everybody expects you to do it by a certain age.

[DN]

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[DN]

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