Why are some guys afraid of commitment?

[daj72]

The million dollar question...why are some men fearful of commitment? I want the honest truth you GUYS.

 

I just ended a relationship that lasted 10 years. I am very angry to 36 years old and back to square one. I wasted the last 10 ten years with a guy who was telling me "we both want the same things" but clearly it was not the case. Anytime I tried to bring up the topic marriage or living together - it always ended up in an argument. After six years he bought a house for himself & his kids, while I had to move in with my parents in order to save up for my own house. This is not normal, but in his mind, it was because "our situation" was complicated (because we both had children). I would get frustrated and try to talk about a life together, but it was redundant. He said that we were soulmates and he wanted to be with me forever. How could that be - if the thought of marrying me was such an issue. I was so confused. It got to a point where I just gave up and avoided the subject. Now after all that time - I am alone - again. He totally played me for a fool. ](*,)

 

Was it me or was it him??? Now I feel that I am too old to find another man. I would love to share a home and my life with someone (other than my kids whom are a huge part of my life). Is there still hope for me?

[annie24]

well, first off, i don't think you are too old. my mom married at 36, and remarried at 63, so i think you're never too old to find love.

 

next, you may want to maybe earlier on than 10 years decide if you are going to be together or not. if a man is still waffling after dating for 2 years, then maybe he isn't the right man for you. maybe you could have moved on sooner when you saw that a committment wasn't in the future.

[Jetta]

My mom has a two year rule, which is why I ended up married to two losers. I followed the rule. LOL If a guy isn't interested in marriage after 2 years dump him. Bring it up of course first but if you get a not so interested response then dump him. If you don't want to marry him then don't bring it up (that part she never added). LOL

 

And no you are not too old. My mom is out there dating again at 59 now. Started at 56, when she became a widow. That's the realization that marriage isn't forever for me. My next one, if I have it, will last. LOL

 

People of all ages are dating, marrying. Sex in the City wasn't just made for no one.

[gracerules2008]

Some guys are afraid of commitment and I think it's very smart that they are. I would hope that marriage scares the hell out of men because it is a serious step.

 

This is one of the few cases where I think fear is a healthy thing. Some guys fear commitment because they know they have more to lose in divorce court.

 

It's better that a man be very afraid of getting married than for him to take marriage lightly.

 

I myself never want to get married. Yes I fear commitment because I am a perfectionist. Unless I'm sure I can be an almost perfect husband and father then I won't even bother to take that vow in the first place. I can't accept the fact that I'm going to make mistakes so I don't even try.

 

For the most part more and more men are coming to see the light that marriage does not benefit them at all. It's more beneficial for women than it is for men really.

[Gratsy]

Heck, I find out on the first date if he's interested in getting married. After a year, he's gone if he doesn't want a commitment and I do. I don't have that kind of time to waste since I want to be married for a little while before I have kids and I want to have kids.

[gracerules2008]

What's the point of getting married when there's no guarantee that the couple won't grow apart in 20 years? People change and want different things as time goes on and sometimes that leads to two people growing apart.

 

If the majority of relationships are not meant to last forever then why go through the hassle of getting married in the first place?

[annie24]

i agree that marriage is a serious step and not something to go into lightly. i doubt that you, or anyone will ever be a 'perfect husband.' no one is perfect, and it's impossible to demand or expect perfection. you can be a loving and devoted husband though, and acknowledge that you are human with faults and apologize when you have made a mistake.... i think that would make for a great husband, i don't think he has to be 'perfect.'

[gracerules2008]

Heck, I find out on the first date if he's interested in getting married. After a year, he's gone if he doesn't want a commitment and I do. I don't have that kind of time to waste since I want to be married for a little while before I have kids and I want to have kids.

 

 

 

So what happens if you end up dating 20 different guys over a 20 year period? You will give each of them 1 year to propose? So you'll have a new boyfriend lined up every year? If you follow this method you still risk remaining single in old age.

[DN]

The million dollar question...why are some men fearful of commitment? I want the honest truth you GUYS.

 

Divorce, part-time Dad, alimony, child support, loss of home, family and financial independence.

 

It didn't stop me but I hear it all the time from men I know.

[annie24]

What's the point of getting married when there's no guarantee that the couple won't grow apart in 20 years? People change and want different things as time goes on and sometimes that leads to two people growing apart.

 

If the majority of relationships are not meant to last forever then why go through the hassle of getting married in the first place?

 

i think marriage is a 'leap of faith' in some ways. or what's that quote.... 'imagination over reality?' sure, the divorce rate is sky high, lots of people are married and unhappy.... but there are many people who are married, committed, very happy. my aunt and uncle have been married for nearly 50 years, and they are still like 2 teenagers in love. they are really partners and best friends. i think that is the kind of love that most people aspire for.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I think it has to do with an internal conflict of desires. I'm not going to discuss men that desire multiple women as that is a different issue than what I'm addressing. I'm going to assume that our conflicted man is a man that would like one woman to care for in the long run. This sort of man has conflicted desires about life goals and accomplishments that have nothing to do with women and family. Even though we desire a long term relationship with a woman we love, we fear that our other goals and life ambitions may be sacrificed for this. Perhaps one man's goal is to travel to hundreds of different places in the world and he believes that will never happen if he marries and has a family beforehand. Or perhaps he's a scientist and wants to put all his efforts towards making a great discovery and feels a committed family life will sentence him to a life of mediocrity in the scientific community. It could be any number of things.

 

I'm such a man that has set goals and ambitions that cannot be compromised for the sake of a woman and family. And I have avoided dating and relationships just for this reason. But one day, if I can ever do something worthy of this life, then I hope to have a family. However, I can say for certain I'd rather die trying to climb to the top of a mountain in a storm than to settle in the valley where everything is peaceful and beautiful. I think it's something in the masculine nature that craves a challenge and a new horizon. If life is too safe, then we are dead already.

[gracerules2008]

But can a guy's fear of commitment allow for the possibility that he lets the right woman get away? I don't know. I have yet to find this out for myself in my current relationship. Will fear of commitment allow the right one to get away or will my fear be overcome eventually because I've found the right person?

 

But for ladies out there who are into this 2 year rule don't give the guy an ultimatum. Ultimatums do not work and even if he caves in and gives you what you want it will only work temporarily since his heart is not into it.

[annie24]

no, i'm not for ultimatums. however, there is a point that if you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you are both adults, have been dating for a while, and getting married is important to you, it's important to talk about where you see things going (ie, in the direction of marriage or not). if after dating for a reasonable amount of time, any discussions about marriage turn into fights, that's a really bad sign.

[gracerules2008]

i agree that marriage is a serious step and not something to go into lightly. i doubt that you, or anyone will ever be a 'perfect husband.' no one is perfect, and it's impossible to demand or expect perfection. you can be a loving and devoted husband though, and acknowledge that you are human with faults and apologize when you have made a mistake.... i think that would make for a great husband, i don't think he has to be 'perfect.'

 

I never said that I believed in the possibility of being a perfect husband or almost perfect husband. I just said that since I know that I'm not anywhere near perfect I have pretty much considered marriage being out of the question.

 

My idea of being a perfect husband is never voicing a disagreement with my wife more than 4-5 times a year. I've learned to pick my battles very carefully in a relationship and for the most part it's better that a husband rarely voice a disagreement with his wife when they are making decisions or discussing issues.

 

Better for a man to overcompromise than to undercompromise.

[Gratsy]

What's the point of getting married when there's no guarantee that the couple won't grow apart in 20 years? People change and want different things as time goes on and sometimes that leads to two people growing apart.

 

If the majority of relationships are not meant to last forever then why go through the hassle of getting married in the first place?

 

 

thats the majority of people. Thats not me. I'm very selective and I'm very loyal. I'm also not spoiled and selfish like most divorced Americans.

[Gratsy]

So what happens if you end up dating 20 different guys over a 20 year period? You will give each of them 1 year to propose? So you'll have a new boyfriend lined up every year? If you follow this method you still risk remaining single in old age.

 

No, actually its more or less and followed by my personal convictions...not followed that strictly. I mostly just go with what I've known from the past. i've only dealt with one non commital man and it was b/c he wasn't from my faith and culture. Never again. Its actually much easier to find commital men from my culture than from typical spoiled American culture.

[Alezia]

Divorce, part-time Dad, alimony, child support, loss of home, family and financial independence.

 

It didn't stop me but I hear it all the time from men I know.

 

Couldn't this pretty much apply to a couple living together but not married?? I guess alimony might not apply in some states / provinces? I know it does here anyways.

[DN]

Couldn't this pretty much apply to a couple living together but not married?? I guess alimony might not apply in some states / provinces? I know it does here anyways.

Yes, although it depends on where you live. But very often the financial liability is at least a little less. And if there are no children - much less.

[fragmint]

Divorce, part-time Dad, alimony, child support, loss of home, family and financial independence.

 

 

aka 'being responsible for anything'. guys wanna have recess their whole life. do whatever they want. sleep with whoever they want. they dont wanna deal with responsibilities and consequences.

 

 

For the most part more and more men are coming to see the light that marriage does not benefit them at all. It's more beneficial for women than it is for men really.

 

uh. lets not forget the big picture here. the basic reason for monogamy in animals is trying to guarantee that the offspring you raise are yours so i wouldnt say that it does not benefit guys at all. there are still a lot of traditional thinking guys who wanna pass on their family name. yeah you 'could' sleep around, but the chances some random chick will get pregnant with your baby and decide to keep it and raise it arent really high (compared to a wife) if youre not into marriage or at least some form of commitment.

[DN]

aka 'being responsible for anything'. guys wanna have recess their whole life. do whatever they want. sleep with whoever they want. they dont wanna deal with responsibilities and consequences.

If I had wanted to have said that - I would have said that. But I didn't.

 

My point is that many men are quite prepared to take on the responsibilities and advantages of marriage and children but feel that if there is a divorce they will end up with responsibilities and no advantages.

 

When somebody asks the sort of question that the OP asks - it might be wise to try to understand the responses instead of putting a different meaning on the answer that was not intended. Otherwise there is no point in asking or answering such questions.

[annie24]

yeah, like everything else in life, you have to weigh the benefits vs. the rewards. like skydiving, for instance. you get thrills, and amazing view, an adrenaline rush, etc.... but there is a possibility that the chute might not open, or you can get injured. for some people, they would risk the chance that the chute might not open for the rush and experience, and other people don't want to take that risk. different people have different thresholds for how much risk they are willing to take.

 

i think it's like that with marriage too... different people have different levels of uncertainty and risk they are willing to take when deciding whether or not they want a committment.

[AJ Auteur]

I think the question for most guys today who have it "together" is "why commit"?

[fragmint]

If I had wanted to have said that - I would have said that. But I didn't.

 

My point is that many men are quite prepared to take on the responsibilities and advantages of marriage and children but feel that if there is a divorce they will end up with responsibilities and no advantages.

 

When somebody asks the sort of question that the OP asks - it might be wise to try to understand the responses instead of putting a different meaning on the answer that was not intended. Otherwise there is no point in asking or answering such questions.

 

it might be wise to use common sense too?...i didnt say that you wanted to say or that you did say that. just because you didnt intend for it come out that way doesnt mean it didnt come out that way to me or anyone else. plus its clearly my own opinion on your answer, but next time i'll put 'TO ME this is aka.....' at the beginning instead

[annie24]

I think the question for most guys today who have it "together" is "why commit"?

 

well, am not a guy.... but watching my close guy friends who have married or committed to women, i'd say it seems like they just really really like the woman. they seem to admire and respect their wives/gfs and consider them their best friends. they seem to be happier with them than single. they seem to think that being together with these women makes their life better. i think if any of these guys thought that these women were bringing them down, they would not have committed.

[daj72]

Yes, I understand that some men decide to sacrifice marriage for the sake of fulfilling other goals or priorities. That is their choice completely. My point isin't even about marriage, it is about moving in together, building a life, a home & memories with someone you love. He spent 10 years with me and didn't have a problem sleeping in my bed most of those nights. He always told me we both wanted the same things. He said wanted to get married, live with someone, grow old together - which left me seriously confused when we would always argue about the subject of co-habitation. He just couldn't see how it would work (I had full custody of three kids & he had joint custody of his two kids). I often wondered if maybe by not living with me, left the possibility of finding another - better than me. But after 10 years of many ups & downs, sticking together and apparently he loved everything about me - he still is unsure. I am so damn confused.

 

Thanks for your insight. It is so refreshing to hear another point of view.