Update on my story

[mr_zanon]

My previous thread:

 

We met there, they took their stuff. I just noticed she didn't give me my stuff, but that's not the point.

 

Before she left, I asked if we could talk a little. All the time, I kept myself calm, not needy, just as I should. As I sat down and started saying "during this time...", she immediately had to hold her tears. She almost cried. I asked her some times what was happening, but she didn't answer. Then I told her that I had thought about everything she had told me before, worked out the points where I felt I needed, and told her that everything I have now (the apartment) and everything I am now is all because of her and the time we spent together, and I thanked her for this. She said that everything we went by was good, even with the problems we had.

 

I hugged her (well, I tried, because she was holding his cousin's daughter in her arms). I kissed her forehead. I asked again why she almost cried, and she said "I don't know". She kissed me in the neck. I said, "not in the neck". She said "sorry".

 

In the way to the door, I stopped and spent several seconds thinking. Decided to tell her that we couldn't be friends, because what I expected from us was different from what she expected. She said she wouldn't act if she didn't knew me and she wouldn't avoid me (as her ex does now).

 

Before opening the door, I asked when she fell in love with the new guy. She answered "everyday", clearly because she didn't understand the question. I asked if it was before or after the break up, she said "after, surely". I have no reason to think it's not true.

 

Before she left, I asked why she didn't want to give me another chance. She said "because I never try again with anyone". As she was leaving, I asked "are you sure?", and she just said "yes".

 

My conclusion: she is not over me, but she won't give us another chance. That's the way she is. She seems to like the new guy more each day. She said she would keep in contact, but I really doubt she will ever try to talk to me again. I still love her, still want her back, but haven't dropped a single tear since this conversation (yet, I presume).

 

I think she won't be back, no matter how much she still loves me and no matter how much she still misses me. I would like to talk to her (phone, email, text message, whatever) to emphasize the "we can't be friends" part, but I'm sure you will tell me to just forget about it.

 

Any thoughts, insights?

[pumpkinmoon]

To me it sounds like she is not over you at all and she is still affected by the break up. As harsh as this may sounds and you may not want to hear this but from your previous post it sounds to me like she left you for this co worker.

 

Noone can say if she will be back or not but in the meantime take care of yourself. Go NC now. There is no need to contact her to emphasise that you can't be friends, just leave it as it is for now.

 

Because her relationship with this co worker started so soon after your break up I can't really see this being a healthy relationship for either of them, it is more like a rebound. Don't know if you have seen it but have a look for a thread called "Reverse psychology of the rebound relationship".

 

Hope this helps you.

[mr_zanon]

To me it sounds like she is not over you at all and she is still affected by the break up. As harsh as this may sounds and you may not want to hear this but from your previous post it sounds to me like she left you for this co worker.

I considered this to be possible, but I don't think it's true. Really.

And now I'm sure she's not over me. She said before that she was, but today I realized it was not true.

Noone can say if she will be back or not but in the meantime take care of yourself. Go NC now. There is no need to contact her to emphasise that you can't be friends, just leave it as it is for now.

Ok, resuming NC.

Because her relationship with this co worker started so soon after your break up I can't really see this being a healthy relationship for either of them, it is more like a rebound. Don't know if you have seen it but have a look for a thread called "Reverse psychology of the rebound relationship".

I read it, it's very good and motivated me going NC.

 

After this conversation, she surely knows what I want, I know she still loves me, and I also know she believes that second chances never work. I think she would only try again with me if, after the probable failure of her new relationship, she finds herself still in pain for breaking up with me. Yes, there are too much IFs in my previous sentence.

[pumpkinmoon]

She may not believe in second chances but if the day comes when she does decide that she will like to try again with you, I don't think her disbelief in second chances will stop that. If that day does come, be careful and make sure that she came back because she wanted to and not because her relationship failed and coming back to you would be easier than staying on her own.

[mr_zanon]

She may not believe in second chances but if the day comes when she does decide that she will like to try again with you, I don't think her disbelief in second chances will stop that. If that day does come, be careful and make sure that she came back because she wanted to and not because her relationship failed and coming back to you would be easier than staying on her own.

I hope you're right. What am I doing, I'm still hoping? Oh, man.

And thanks, I'll be careful.

 

Today I left the apartment with the feeling that, if she didn't have this strange belief, we would be together by now.

[pumpkinmoon]

It's natural to have hope but it can be destructive in these cases. As well as having that hope, and trust me sometimes you will even convice yourself that she will be back and feel so much beter for a minute or 2, I did this a lot and it was hard work. Instead, when you have these thoughts or hopes tell yourself that she may never come back right away, to keep you sane if nothing else. It will get easier for you though I promise.

[mr_zanon]

It's natural to have hope but it can be destructive in these cases. As well as having that hope, and trust me sometimes you will even convice yourself that she will be back and feel so much beter for a minute or 2, I did this a lot and it was hard work. Instead, when you have these thoughts or hopes tell yourself that she may never come back right away, to keep you sane if nothing else. It will get easier for you though I promise.

I have been telling myself she won't be back whenever she comes to my mind. But it seems I'm not good at convincing myself.

 

Before someone says anything about it, let me keep this clear: I remember she told me in the past this belief she has. It surely is not a recent thing. But I don't know when or why she started believing in it.

 

Oh, and she noticed I was wearing a new shirt.

[pumpkinmoon]

When I started seeing my very first serious boyfriend I was 18. I told him that if we ever broke up that would be it. I said that I would never go out with the same person twice.

 

How old is she?

[mr_zanon]

When I started seeing my very first serious boyfriend I was 18. I told him that if we ever broke up that would be it. I said that I would never go out with the same person twice.

 

How old is she?

She will turn 26 next month. I'm 26, and her second serious boyfriend. The first one lasted about 3 years, and we were together for almost 5 and a half years.

[pumpkinmoon]

Snap, I'm also 26! Well felings can and do change. People can change a lot too.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

i agree with shoe, I think she still has feelings and is confused.

 

she obviously has this belief that its never worth giving it a 2nd chance, and so many people have said to me 'never go back it never works' that it does put doubt in your mind.

 

but if her feelings for you are strong, like shoe said, no matter what her beliefs she will want to try again.

 

ps. hi shoe hope your ok and doing well! xx

[mr_zanon]

That's what I really wanted: the female opinion about my situation.

You both are making my day.

(No guys, I'm not saying your opinions are worthless. Keep 'em coming!)

 

I know I should make no contact, but I feel I should seize today's event. I'd like to tell her these things. It's translated from Portuguese, so maybe some ideas may not be well written.

*********************

after our conversation today, I noticed you never got over me, and that you're still suffering.

What I want to tell you is to seize the opportunities that life gives you. No matter if these opportunities are in your work, personal life, or love.

I know that you think it won't work because you're afraid of suffering this pain again. But how could you know how nice is a rollercoaster ride if you never try it again and again?

What I can tell you is that I know, and you know, that we love each other, and we're perfectly capable of being happy together. We are 2 different people, but our differences can't stop us from being together, they just help us grow, together.

We, together, are capable of facing anything. We, together, are capable of going through anything to be happy.

I am certain that we are capable of doing anything for the other to be happy.

Today, life has given us a new opportunity. Not to make the same mistakes of the past, but to learn from them and form, together, a new relationship.

We have now, in our hands, the opportunity to make everything new. I don't want to lose it.

*************************************

Thoughts? Even if it's a "don't tell her anything".

 

Edit:

I just read again that theory about the reverse psychology and the rebound relationship. That reminded me that I just turned the situation more favorable to me. And that I should not tell her the words above. I'll see what I'll do now.

 

I think that today - and only today - she realized she lost me.

[mr_zanon]

But the truth is that I'm still confused. I think I should try and do something to take those doubts about trying again away from her head. But if I try something, like telling her those words, it may backfire, sending her away from me, or helping her with the new guy.

 

Oooooh, love should be so much easier...

[mr_zanon]

It's 02:20 AM and I just can't sleep. Just came to my mind that, after I kissed her, she kissed me back in the neck. I said "not in the neck", and she said "sorry". Nothing much, but anyway, a kiss in the neck is a kiss in the neck, not an ordinary kiss.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hi Hopey, hope you are doing well also

 

Well tszanon, I don't know if you have decided to tell her what you have written here but I don't think it's a good idea and if I were you I really would leave it. I think from what you have written it will seem to her like you are putting words in her mouth and telling her how she feels. It will confuse her more and she will blame you for the confusion and push you away further although that isn't what you are trying to do.

 

This is a fresh situaton for both of you and you both need to step back to be able to see things clearly. She obviously isn't seeing things for what they are at the moment. As hard as it is give her all the space that she needs, and to do this you need to go NC. Let her get on with this new relationship of hers and let her see that for what it really is also. She may end up happy with him but she may begin to queton her decision when they cracks begin to show and realise that she may have been better of with you after all.

 

I am also going NC now so if you need a buddy for that let me know, but I really do think it is the best way x

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

shoe is bang on again.

 

give her all the space she needs. If you dont give her any space how can she miss you? and I agree that if you say all that youve written in your mail she will know your on the back burner for her.

 

I hope it made you feel better to write it, but DONT send it.

 

Just sit back and let things pan out, she seems confused enough without you putting any pressure on.

 

hope this helps,

 

Hope x

[mr_zanon]

We talked this afternoon through MSN. At one point she treated me so badly in a way that someone who spent 5.5 years with me would never do.

 

Of course, I still have some feelings for her. But after this conversation, they're slowly leaving.

 

I don't want her back anymore. Case closed.

 

Thanks everyone.

[spion_kop]

hey tszanon, i've read through your story and it's similar to mine. It's been 5 months since i've broken up with my ex. She also is dating her co worker, three days after we broke up. I think she is still with him but i cant confirm that. I've been NC for 5 months. It's helped me a lot because i've taken control of my life and done what is right for me.

 

You have to give her the space that she needs. Just think for a min about what she did. You were together for 5+ years and she left u for her co worker and she's been "in love" with him everyday since they've been together.

 

Similar to my situation, i also saw my ex one last time before telling her i was going NC and being friends just wouldnt work for me. She said i wouldnt last a week (yea i know). Before i left she forced a kiss on my cheek, i didnt want it because i could see it coming from a mile away.

 

If you really want her to be happy, then let her be free. Let her be happy with this new guy and if things work out they do and if they dont, they dont. I've always told myself that my ex needs to be single for a while to realize what she wants because like yours, i can tell that she is confused but i'm not letting that stop me.

 

Don't wait for her no matter how hard it is. You only have one life to live for and that's yours. Be patient, strong and always keep your chin up.

[mr_zanon]

Thanks for reading my story. i wrote a long answer, but I decided to post only this:

 

My ex told me, as clearly as possible: she never goes back. Once she decides something, that's it. She said she had thought a lot before breaking up, that she cried a lot, but the best thing to do, in her mind, was leaving me. She took this decision alone. And she won't change her mind. She never does.

 

I don't want to go into details about what we talked, but she was mean to me. I realised that someone who almost married me after 5.5 years together would never do that. Let me be even more specific: we lived as if we were married. We didn't have a place of our own, but we lived as if we were married. After what she told me, she does not deserve my love anymore.

 

NC now will probably last forever, cause our daily routines are totally different. Even the places where she hangs out now (all near his house) are not the places where I would go.

 

And she's not confused. She just doesn't love me anymore. I think she's just wrong for never reconsidering whatever she decides...hey, I just noticed she reconsidered her decision about marrying me. Whatever! LOL

 

After all this, what I'm trying to say: she just won't ever come back, no matter what she feels. It things don't work out with him, she'll just leave him and look for another new guy, even if she still loved me. And after what happened today, I don't think she would like to give herself the trouble of trying to get me back.

 

Yes, I'm venting a little.

[spion_kop]

in a way, it's good that you're feeling this. It helps you to move on quicker.

 

My ex told me something completely different. While we were together ( and this was way before the break up) she said that she felt we would break up once in our lives, date other people etc etc and then eventually get back together. Back then i was like * * * and thought it was crap. When the initial break up happened, i thought about what she said and maybe she was right but that's when i went NC.

 

I slowly realized that i'm not waiting around for her and if this is the way it's going to happen, i aint gonna wait around. I'm gonna enjoy my life to the fullest without her. Yea we all have moments where we feel down but life's to short to feel down.

 

PS. Vent all you want, that's what we're here for. Hopefully you can get your life and feelings back on track. We're all here to support you.

 

Good luck mate!

[mr_zanon]

in a way, it's good that you're feeling this. It helps you to move on quicker.

Hope so. I know that this anger I'm feeling now will go away a lot faster than the love I still have for her. It sucks. But I hope I forget her a lot faster now that I know she isn't the one I should marry.

[mr_zanon]

Stupid heart misses her...

Think I should line up for a heart transplant.

[spion_kop]

hey man, just remember that this is going to make you stronger and help you to develop into a better person. Keep your chin up. We all have those rough days. I had those this past weekend where i felt the pain over again after 5 months of the breakup and NC.

 

Be strong and try to keep yourself occupied

[mr_zanon]

Once a month, I check how heavy I am...

I noticed that it took me a whole year to lose 10 Kg (about 22 pounds).

Last month, just after my break up, I lost 4.3 Kg (about 9.5 pounds).

 

Breaking up is really something hard to face...

 

But at least now I'm almost in shape!

A little more exercising and I'll be physically ready for another round.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Hi Tszanon and Spion,

 

hope your both feeling ok. I know what you mean about knowing (well wanting to believe) your better off without them, but your heart says different and Im having one of those days!

 

its 6 months today since I saw/last spoke to him, and realise I still really miss him.

 

I told him how much I hated him and to never to contact me again so apart from a phone call in July from his friends g/f to see if i had a new guy (which I took as a fishing call) I havent heard from him again.